How Did We Get Here?

Chapter Five - Recovery

Hanssen was adamant about returning to work as quickly as possible and Hannah understood his reasoning; it was easier to be distracted at work, to let the mind focus on something that wasn't so terrible. The hospital rallied under Hanssen's leadership and things were quickly the same as they had always been, except for the memorials and shrines. Gaskell began his innovative research and began to make himself known as a face of the hospital that the world could trust. Hannah herself was forced to remain in hospital for a week after the shooting to be monitored through her recovery. At first, she wouldn't let Danny come and visit her, she didn't want her son to see her that way, but eventually it was reported that he was getting restless and worried. When her father told her that he had refused both breakfast and dinner, she relented and allowed him to come see her.
Hanssen didn't oversee the visit himself, he rarely saw Hannah except to give her brief updates on the workings of the hospital and their home life. Mainly it was Dom and Lofty or occasionally Gaskell and/or Roxanna. She wished that her father would be there more for her, but she also understood that to see her was particularly painful and he needed his space. She cherished the time he spent with her but didn't hold it against him that this time was lacking and limited.
Roxanna was the one to bring Danny to visit Hannah, she led him gently into the room and pointed to Hannah, remaining in the doorway in case Hannah needed her. Hannah leaned forward in her bed and smiled at her son who approached her cautiously like she had some kind of infectious disease.
'Hey there, you.' Hannah smiled, her voice was soft and she wished she could be stronger for him, he wouldn't understand. 'Jump up here for me...' She encouraged him, patting the bed with her good hand. Roxanna darted forward and helped lift him, once he was settled she retreated again. Hannah expected him to say something, to ask a question, but he was silent so she pulled him onto her lap and cradled him against her chest; he sat stiffly in her arms and Hannah felt tears come to her eyes.
'Have you been having a fun time with granddad?' She asked and she felt him nod a little under her chin. 'I hear you've been refusing to eat your vegetables, you know that vegetables keep you strong and healthy, you need to eat your vegetables.' She said slowly and he moved out from under her chin and looked up at her but wouldn’t look her in the eyes.
'Is that why you're here? Did you not eat your vegetables?' He asked in a small voice and Hannah and Roxanna shared a look. Hannah had to make the choice of how much to disclose to her son and she knew that it wouldn't be easy, it wouldn't have been easy even if it hadn't been a family member who had put her in that place.
'No, sweetie.... I'm here because I got hurt, see...' She said and pointed to her bandaged shoulder.
'How did you get hurt?' He asked, playing with her sling, it hurt her a little but she pretended it didn't.
'Has granddad told you anything about what happened?' She asked him and he shook his head, she sighed and ran her fingers through his hair. 'Uncle Fredrik, you remember him? Well, he got a little upset and lost his temper and he hurt me and some other people.' She explained slowly.
'Is he here too?' Danny asked and Hannah closed her eyes against the pain.
'No, baby, he's not. He's gone somewhere else.'
'What about Oskar? Has he gone with him?'
'No, but I don't think that we're going to be able to see Oskar or Auntie Sara for a little while, I'm sorry honey.' She said and he properly looked up at her for the first time with his inquisitive eyes.
'Why don't you show mummy the card you made her?' Roxanna interjected and passed Danny a backpack he'd brought in with him. Danny silently retrieved a home-made card with poorly spelt words and badly drawn pictures but Hannah exclaimed happily when she saw it.
'Oh wow, this is amazing. Thank you, sweetie!' She grinned and placed it on the table next to her. 'There, now it'll be the first thing I see every single time I wake up!' She grinned but he ignored her happiness and looked down again.
'When are you coming home? Granddad puts me to bed too early and then goes into the study and cries when he thinks I'm asleep...' He said quietly and Hannah felt a pang in her chest. She needed to be home for them both, she looked at Roxanna again for help but Roxanna was staring at the floor, unable to say anything that would help, this was a family matter.
'Soon, baby. I'll be home soon, I promise. They just have to fill me up on lots of fruit and veg, yeah? So, you'd better do the same, and give granddad lots and lots of hugs. He's sad because he won't get to see Uncle Fredrik or Oskar for a long, long time too so you need to be a really good boy and give him lots of cuddles. Can you do that for me?' She asked and he gave a sheepish nod. 'How about for me?' She asked and he suddenly threw his arms around her neck and squeezed so tightly she found herself struggling to breathe but she didn't care. She held him tightly back with her good arm and planted a kiss on his cheek.
He stayed for a little while longer but as Roxanna began to take him away to meet his nanny who was going to take him to school, John arrived to pay his short daily visit. It was the first time John had met Danny and he crouched down and shook his hand sweetly. Hannah quickly wiped away her tears as Danny left and Roxanna shut the door on her and John.
'How are you?' He asked, approaching the bed and handing her a tissue, she thanked him and began to wipe at her nose and eyes in a way that was very unflattering.
'I need to get home, my dad, he's not coping and it's scaring Danny.' She explained and he sighed and nodded.
'You need to stay here for at least another few days, just so we can keep an eye, you know the rules.' He said slowly and she sighed.
'I know, I just hate feeling so powerless. My dad will barely talk to me, whenever I try and bring up the subject of Fredrik he clams up completely. He might not have been hurt physically but he's not okay, he needs to recover but he won't let himself. Please, John, you have to try and convince him to take better care of himself. I've seen this road before and the destination is not pretty.' She spoke quickly, accompanied with more tears and he nodded.
'Alright, I'll speak to your doctor and see if I can get you discharged a day or two early. You'll have to have a psych assessment though, you know that?' He explained and she nodded, she knew her past put in her a dangerous position but things were different now, she wasn't going to make the same mistakes twice. 'But when you get out you're not planning on coming back to work?' He asked and she shook her head.
'No, I need some time. I can't exactly perform surgery with a botched shoulder, anyway can I?' She attempted a joke and he humoured her with a smile.
'Alright, well to stop you going stir crazy I would appreciate your input with some aspects of my trial?' He suggested and she was taken aback.
'Isn't your trial neuro based? Stem cells and all that jazz? I'm a heart and lungs girl I'm not sure how much help I could be...' She said and he shrugged.
'Just reading over notes, casting a fresh pair of eyes over things, making sure I'm ticking all the boxes. Just something to take your mind off... things.' He explained and she smiled at him gratefully.
'Thank you...' She whispered and he avoided her gaze but nodded as he pretended to check her notes. She took a deep breath as she steeled herself for her usual question. 'How's Ollie?' She asked quietly and he tensed a little even though he heard the same question every day and always gave the same answer.
'We're hopeful, at least he's stable.' He said and she nodded, she hoped for some miraculous recovery but she understood it was incredibly unlikely.
A couple of days later Hannah was allowed to leave the hospital but was instructed to keep wearing the sling as much as possible over the course of the next two weeks. At first, she devoted herself entirely to her home life and the weekend almost felt like they were slipping back into the swing of things, Hannah almost forgot about the pain. She spent every waking moment with Danny and tried to engage her father in their activities but he cut himself off from them. She made them all dinner and refused to let anybody leave the table until everyone had eaten everything; she read Danny bedtime stories and made him laugh so he returned to being the happy little boy she was used to and adored. Once he was soundly asleep she would sit with her father and make him tea until he also went to bed and then she allowed herself to sleep. She got up before anyone else, sometimes only narrowly before her father, but she made sure there was a fresh pot of coffee ready for him and breakfast was cooking, she was determined to do her best to take care of him so he had as little to worry about as possible but he didn't make it easier for her.
She was aware of the distance that was opening between them, the gap that was forced by Fredrik's actions and his death, but she tried her hardest to bridge it all the same, to make them work as a family again. On Monday, she took Danny to school in a taxi and packed her father a healthy lunch, making sure not to include the tomatoes she knew he hated. Once she had the house to herself she cleaned it from top to bottom, everywhere except her father's study which was off limits to both her and Danny unless they were invited in. Around midday she began to feel that loneliness and lethargy she'd been sure she would be able to stave off. She stopped taking her pain medication, determined to use the pain to spur her on, but once the house was spotless there was little else she could do.
She wandered aimlessly from room to room, she tried to watch TV but she couldn't keep her attention focused. She tried to play a few tunes on the piano with one hand but it only frustrated her. She grew more and more agitated until she could justify going to pick up Danny, she walked to the school but was still early so she wandered around the neighbouring streets for twenty minutes before going to wait in the playground, she was the first one there. When the other parents began to arrive, she saw the judging stares and she pretended not to notice the whispers. It had been all over the news, her brother had shot up a hospital, how could she think that she would get away without being judged for it, especially with her obvious injury. But she stared straight ahead and did her best to ignore them, she wished it could go back to the other parents judging her simply for being a young mother.
When Danny came barrelling out of the classroom and ran straight into her arms she forgot everything which had worried her. She held him tightly and asked him questions about school as they walked home together, Danny complaining all the while that it was too long a walk. When they got home she helped him with homework and they waited until her father was home to have an enforced family dinner. It was that night that he told her about the memorial that was planned the following day; he didn't ask her if she wanted to go. She motioned to her father to stop talking and resumed the upbeat conversation as best she could, her arm was throbbing with pain.
She put Danny to bed and made the tea as usual, taking it into her father's study and this was when she saw his work, his map outlining the shooting, outlining Fredrik. She placed the tea down gently, her father hadn't noticed her coming in.
'Dad?' She spoke softly and he turned to face her guiltily. 'What is this?' Hanssen paused and then turned back to his work, speaking confidently.
'I'm trying to understand why he did it.' He said and Hannah approached, studying her face, Ollie's, Jac's, all pinned up on that wall and strung together like they were part of some eccentric murder mystery.
'I mean, there's understanding why he did it and then there's going overboard.' She said as she stood beside him and looked up at it, it was like something out of a bad Sherlock Holmes film, it frightened her.
'It is a necessity.' He said firmly and there was a pause between them, Hannah was at a loss for words, she didn't know whether her father needed comforting or giving a push in a better direction, if she messed it up then it could damage their relationship catastrophically.
'This is my fault.' He said quietly and Hannah shook her head, turning to face him and grabbing his arm so he was facing her, he pulled away gently but she knew that this wasn't the time for comfort.
'None of this is your fault, something underlying was wrong with Fredrik, you did not cause this, you are not responsible for the hurt he caused.' She said and gestured to the map, her eye was suddenly caught by something near the centre of the map. At first glance she had thought it was a list her father had made but she noticed the handwriting wasn't his, it was Fredrik's and it was a list of names. She reached forward and untacked it from the wall, ignoring her father's discomfort at her messing up his meticulously organised plans.
She saw Roxanna's name on there and Dom's as well as her father's; but what really got to her was the name at the top of the list. The rest of the list had been written in black ballpoint pen, but her name was written in red, capital letters, underlined, circled and highlighted.
'Wow, he really wanted me dead didn't he...' She muttered to herself and her legs felt weak, she needed to sit down. She moved to a chair and collapsed into it, unable to let go of the piece of paper she held in her hand, her brothers hit list. There was another horrible pause as Hannah tried to process all the information and her father watched her with a nervous look, he didn't like the list being out of its place but he disliked the pale fear on his daughter's face even more.
'He was sick.' Hannah said at last, her voice was shaking. 'He was sick and we didn't help him, he deserves our pity but we have to move on. We owe it to the people who were hurt, the people who died. Do you think that David would want you to wallow like this? Blaming yourself for something that you couldn't have prevented, something that was almost inevitable? Fredrik was always going to hurt someone, it was in his nature, but it was nothing to do with us.'
'His nature...' Hanssen said quickly, crossing to her and taking the seat opposite her. 'His nature, his evil, comes from the parents, biological genes, my creation, my fault.'
'Does that make this Maja's fault too? And what about me and Danny? Are we evil?' She asked quickly, anger spiking through her as she grew frustrated, she knew that she wouldn't be able to get through to her father but she was desperate to try. 'You're only seeing things you want to see, to hurt yourself so you can justify blaming yourself for what happened but nobody else blames you and the truth is dad, you're scaring Danny and you’re scaring me. I don't know how to get through to you, I don't want the rest of our family to fall apart.'
She leaned forward in earnest, placing the list to the side and instead grabbing one of her father's hands in her own and holding tightly. He let her hold on to him for a moment before gently retracting his hand, picking up the list and placing it back on the map in its proper place. She knew that there was nothing more she could do, he was gone. Wordlessly she stood and left the room, she left her tea to go cold and instead locked herself in the bathroom, it was the only place she could bar herself against intrusion. She sat on the floor and held her pain medication in her hand.
There were two things she could do, she could take them all and entrust her son to his grandfather, probably not the best option considering his current mental state, so she opted for the other solution. She punched all the pills from their plastic wrappings and into the toilet, then she flushed them away and once she was done she tore her sling from around her neck and threw it into the bin. Her arm was aching dully as she stretched it out and exercised it, it felt like it had been dead and was only just now coming back to life. She pulled her t-shirt down over her shoulder to expose the thick bandaging and she stared at herself in the mirror. Slowly, she reached up with her left hand and pressed her forefinger onto the bullet wound. She pressed harder and harder until she could barely hold back a cry of pain and the white bandage was darkening with the blood of broken stitches. It was almost an agony but she kept pressing, relishing the pain, feeling alive. When she began to feel dizzy she stopped and clutched to the side of the sink for support, breathing heavily; but when her dizziness cleared she felt free again and she knew that she wouldn't be able to endure another idle day again.
The next morning, she went through the same routine, breakfast and school, her father disappearing off to work before she really had a chance to talk to him. Once she had dropped Danny at school, however, she kept going and went to the hospital. She stood outside for a few moments, looking up at it with mixed feelings as she contemplated her first move. On the lawn, a group of people were setting up chairs in front of a veiled entity, the memorial. She sighed and she knew where she had to go.
Walking back onto Keller ward made her heart race, it was busy, bustling with the day's electives and regular doctors, but to her everything felt different. Dom was the first to spot her, standing in the exact same place she had been shot and staring at the place where her brother had died with a scared expression. He approached her cautiously, he had seen the list too and whilst it affected him, he had no idea how it could have felt for her.
'Hey,' he said and she snapped back to reality, she gave him a weak smile.
'Hey you.' She grinned, slipping back into her charade that she put on at home, Hannah Hanssen as usual. She hugged him tightly and noticed he was a little taken aback by her brightness.
'Are you okay?' She asked and he raised an eyebrow.
'Am I okay? Are you okay?' He asked and her smile shook a little but to her credit she kept it strong.
'I'm fine, good in fact, even great. Danny's doing really well, eating his greens again which is great, my arm is finally out of that horrid sling, you know it didn't go with anything...' She said and he eyed her arm.
'Yes, it shouldn't be yet I don't think...' He mused and pulled back her jacket and shirt to survey the dark patch on her bandage. She feigned surprise.
'Oh, I must have bumped it while I was getting dressed.' She laughed but she'd never been a very good liar. He gave her a look and she stepped back and readjusted her clothes to cover the bandage. 'Look, Dom, I love you and I know that things are pretty sucky at the moment, but Ollie...' She trailed off and Dom nodded. He knew that Hannah was a good friend to him but Ollie was her best friend, and he had taken a bullet for her.
'Do you want to see him? He's awake.' Dom said quietly and she was surprised.
'Awake?' She asked in surprise and he repressed a smile.
'Yes, apparently Ms. MacMillan is a miracle worker. She woke him up a little while ago, Zosia was here too and his mum, it was a bit awkward really when he didn't remember anything. He doesn't really remember much, his frontal lobe was severely damaged, but you can see him, maybe he'll remember you.' Dom explained and Hannah took a deep breath.
'If he doesn't remember the woman he married I doubt he'll remember me much.' She said attempting to smile but it was becoming harder and harder.
'Oh, I don't know...' Dom said, attempting to give her a little hope and lighten the mood with a joke, 'How could anyone forget the incomparable Hannah Hanssen? He's known you a lot longer, he remembered that scary new doctor from Darwin.' He said and Hannah did a small double take.
'Scary new doctor on Darwin?' She asked and Dom nodded.
'Yeah, Petren-something, I can't remember I've only met her once.' He said but Hannah was excited again.
'Frieda Petrenko?' She asked and when Dom nodded her face broke into a genuine grin, 'Oh brilliant, back in the old days when I was a mere F1 it was me, Ollie, Penny and Frieda on AAU. Then Penny died, Frieda left and we all seemed to fall apart. It'll be good to see her again.' She grinned, genuinely cheered at the sight of seeing an old friend, even if she was unsure if Frieda had ever considered her a friend in return.
'Hannah?' Roxanna appeared behind her and approached them swiftly. Hannah smiled at her and accepted the quick hug offered. Roxanna and Hannah had become closer whilst the latter had been admitted to AAU and Hannah felt a comfort in knowing that she was the one overseeing Ollie's care.
'Are you here to see Ollie?' She asked and Hannah nodded.
'I think it's finally time I faced the music.' She sighed and Roxanna gave her an understanding and sympathetic smile as she took her arm, Hannah gripped it tightly as they approached the side room where through the glass she could see Ollie lying on the bed in pyjamas and listening to music through earphones; he had his eyes shut but he was tapping along to the music with his hand, indicating he was awake.
'Do you want me to come in with you?' Roxanna asked softly and Hannah shook her head, gently detaching herself and opening the door.
‘I need to do this by myself…’ She whispered, unsure if Roxanna had even heard her. As she entered, Ollie's eyes snapped open and he looked at her for the first time. She shut the door and approached the bed silently, willing herself not to cry.
'Oh, hello, are you another relative I don't remember? Another wife perhaps?' He asked and she smiled at his dry tone, he was still the same Ollie underneath it all.
'No I don't recall us ever being married, not that I'd marry a sour git like you anyway.' She grinned and he looked offended for a moment but it cleared into a smile.
'Well there's a clue, we must have been close.' He said and she giggled.
'Is this a guessing game now?' She asked and he sat up, putting his music device to one side.
'Might as well, not like I have anything better to do. We were friends then, how long had I known you for?' He asked and she thought for a moment, scrunching up her nose.
'Seven years? Maybe eight I'm not sure.' She said and he was shocked.
'Oh, bloody hell, and I never tried anything on with you? Weird, you’re pretty.’ He replied drily and Hannah laughed, electing not to mention the painful truth. ‘Alright, uh, what's your surname and I'll try and see if I can remember, or guess, your first name.'
'Hanssen.' She smiled and his face fell.
'Hanssen, like Mr. Hanssen?' He asked and she was suddenly, afraid, what had he been told about her family, would he resent her for what happened? Even if he just resented her father it would hurt her.
'Yes, he's my father.' She explained slowly.
'Ah, so that's how we know one another.' He guessed and she shook her head, perching on the edge of the bed, her legs felt a little weak again. She struggled to look at him but it wasn't fair for her not to so she forced herself even though it brought tears to her eyes.
'No, Ollie, we worked together. I'm a surgeon on Darwin, you were my mentor, you were my best friend. We worked together for a long, long time, you were always there for me.' She paused and gently placed a hand on her stomach, it wasn't fair to offload everything onto him, it was easier to keep it clean. 'I'm Hannah.'
'Hannah?' Ollie asked and she couldn't stop the tears from falling down her cheeks as she realised that he really didn't remember her at all. She closed her eyes and stood up very quickly, covering her face with her hands and trying to calm herself down which only resulted in her sobs becoming worse.
'No, please, don't cry. I'm sorry if I upset you.' Ollie said and Hannah couldn't help herself, she rushed back to him and flung her arms around his neck, sobbing into his shoulder. He stiffened for a moment, unsure of how to respond before nervously reaching around and hugging her back, patting her back awkwardly.
'You remembered Petrenko but you don't remember me...' She sobbed and he paused for a moment and let his mind work hard in a wandering fashion, it meandered through the mazes of memory back to the time on AAU and he suddenly remembered her. She had been a little meek and unsure of herself, she always looked to him for guidance, always unaware of how much of a fraud he had been; he couldn't remember whether she'd ever found out about his lies. He vaguely remembered other elements of their past, he remembered working with her and he remembered feeling strongly for her, feeling protective; he couldn't remember why.
'I do... I do remember you, a little, not everything though.' He said and she pulled away slightly but he kept his arms around her, having her close helped his memory.
'What do you remember?' She asked eagerly.
'It's not so much actual memories,' he muttered, 'but I do remember when you first came to the hospital, we were so young... We must have been very close because I feel this strong feeling for you, I'm not sure what it is yet though. I think I cared about you very deeply, did I ever tell you?' He asked and she sniffed back more tears.
'You didn't need to.' She replied quietly. Roxanna came into the room behind them and coughed to make herself known.
'I'm sorry to interrupt,' she said as Hannah detached herself from Ollie and moved away to clean up her face a little. 'I need to just run some tests with Ollie.' She said and then walked over to Hannah. 'Are you coming to the memorial service later?' She asked and Hannah nodded but couldn't say a word. She rushed from the room, overcome with emotion and she hurried from the ward, ignoring Dom's obvious stares from the nurse's station. She kept walking and when she came to a stop she found herself in the stairwell, her spot.
She clutched at the railing and counted the cars.
'My name is Hannah Hanssen,' she began, she had to calm herself before things got worse. She put Ollie to the back of her mind and just focused on her mantra.
'My name is Hannah Hanssen, I am twenty-six years old, I have a son named Danny and a...' She trailed off as the thought of Fredrik flooded her brain and she couldn't fight back the overwhelming emotion which coursed through her. It was a strange mix of anger and frustration, desperation and fear, but most of all it was a deep sense of depression. She couldn't fight through it anymore, she had to let it overcome her for her to overcome it in turn.
She sank to the floor, still clinging to the railings, and she sobbed hysterically, curling up into a ball and praying nobody would come by. Minutes passed and turned into an hour and nobody came by but slowly her sobs subsided and she regained control of herself. The intense feelings were still overwhelming her but she no longer had the energy to fight them or give in to them, they were just there. She grew calmer but couldn't bring herself to move, instead she closed her eyes and leaned back against the railings, stretching her legs out in front of her and gently pressing on her wound. It was painful but it kept her centred.
'You should let a doctor look at that.' A voice said from above her and she snapped her eyes open to see John Gaskell standing at the top of the steps, he had approached her silently.
'I am a doctor and I say it's fine.' She replied weakly and he bowed his head, he didn't say anything but came forward and sat on the floor beside her.
'How are you?' He asked and she sighed.
'I'd be a lot better if people stopped asking me that.' She replied and she thought she saw him smile.
'You passed the psych evaluation, that doesn't mean that you're alright.' He commented and she shrugged.
'Maybe I've just learnt the right answers to the questions.' She said and he handed her a tissue, she reluctantly accepted it and began to mop at her face again.
'You shouldn't sit here, it's probably filthy and I bet that suit cost a fortune.' She said, gesturing to his attire and he smiled properly this time.
'Marks and Spencer’s.' He said and she raised an eyebrow.
'Really?'
'Yep, it’s very comfortable.' He said and she laughed slightly. 'Roxanna told me you saw Ollie.'
'That was very uncomfortable.' She said, twisting his words. 'He hardly remembers me, he doesn't remember about the baby, he doesn't remember that he took a bullet for me. It's not fair that he's like that and I'm just... here. Fredrik shot at me twice but I got out with barely a scratch all because people tried to save me. Ollie, my dad, he pulled me out of the way. I didn't even register it at the time, it wasn't until Dom told me what he saw last week. What if he'd been shot too? I would have been responsible for two of them?'
'You're not responsible for anything.' He said and Hannah sighed.
'I know, I've been repeating it to my dad enough times, it wasn't our fault. It still sucks seeing Ollie like that though; I can't tell him about the baby, it's not fair to him. In a way, I’m glad I don’t have to, I’m glad that I don’t have to be responsible, that I don’t have to go through it all again.' She said, she was merely verbalising her thoughts at this stage.
'Will you ever tell him?' John asked and she shrugged.
'I don't know, I don't even know where I stand with him. I love him, I do, but I love him like a best friend. I don't know if we ever would have worked as a couple, I think we'd just have made it work because of the baby, but we’d never really have been happy together, I don’t think.' She mused, crumpling up the tissue and staring into space with a vacant expression. She was so tired, exhausted from her fit of hysteria, but now she felt calm and overwhelmed.
'I think he's lucky to have you.' John said and Hannah shook her head.
'He doesn't, not really. I'm not sure even I have me.' She said and thought for a moment. 'I mean, it's hard because I'm giving everything to just try and make my family work. Danny needs me to be his mum, he needs me to be the same person I've always been. My dad needs me to be the same crutch I've always been for him but he won't listen to reason which is only driving us further and further apart and all the while I don't know what I need for myself. There's a cloud over me and I can't shake it, I don't want it to take me over but it's getting harder and harder to fight. I'm scared.' She admitted and he paused for a moment before reaching over and taking her hand, she moved a little in surprise but let him hold it all the same.
'I think you should try focusing your mind on something. Something which isn't your family. Also, you need to admit to yourself what this really is, it's depression. You know you have it, you've had it for a long time and it's alright, you've got people who care about you and who will help you. But you need to take time out to focus on something that matters to you and not because other people need you to do it but because you want to do it. Of course, you're always welcome to help on the trial, I would really value your input, but, you're still a junior doctor correct?' He asked and she was a little taken aback.
'Does my being a junior doctor exclude me from helping you?' He laughed suddenly and she looked a little bashful.
'No, of course not. What I was going to say is, why don't you take the time out to qualify as a specialist registrar? You have friends and family in high places, we could pull some strings for you, you could do it whenever you liked. I'm sure you have a deeply expansive portfolio and CV.' He smiled and she thought for a moment. She'd always been content as a junior doctor after she passed her F2 rotations, it meant she had more time for Danny and still got to do the things she loved whilst never having to take real charge. She'd meant to get around to it at some point, of course, but she was happy taking her time. Perhaps then was the time to step up, it had been five years after all.
'Maybe... It might be nice to be Ms. Hanssen rather than Dr. Hanssen.' She mused, 'I'll think about it, thank you.' She turned her head to look at him and found him closer than she'd expected. She wasn't afraid though, she felt a strange connection to him and she was sure he felt it too. They simply looked at one another for a moment with gentle smiles and Hannah finally began to feel brighter, just looking in his eyes, holding his hand, being near him, made her feel more hopeful, like there was a chance of becoming the 'ray of sunshine' she was once more.
'I have to get to the memorial, are you coming?' John asked, breaking the spellbound silence between them and she took a deep breath before nodding.
'Yes, I ought to.' She said and he stood before helping her to her feet. They brushed the dust from themselves and Hannah stuffed the tissue in her pocket in case she would need it, she imagined she might.
They walked downstairs and to the front of the hospital together. Her father was there along with Essie and a handful of other people milling around and preparing for the service. Hannah surveyed the group as Ollie and Roxanna appeared behind them, John left her and she joined the mismatched group. Her eyes scanned the crowd and fell on a solitary figure in the back row.
It took her a moment to place her but once she did Hannah's breath caught in her throat and she found herself rushing towards the lonely woman.
'Sara?' She spoke softly and her sister-in-law looked up at her, surprised to be noticed amongst all the people who were there.
'Hannah...' She replied and stood, the two women held each other close for a few moments. When they broke apart Hannah took the seat beside her and held her hand tightly.
'I'm so sorry.' She said quietly and Sara gave her a watery smile.
'You have no reason to be, I knew he was drifting away from us a while ago and I said and did nothing. I thought by going back to Sweden that it would make him see sense, it didn't work.' She explained and Hannah didn't really know what to say, she hadn't even seen the signs. 'You were hurt in the shooting?' Sara asked and Hannah nodded slightly, pointing to her shoulder.
'I'm alright though...' She said and there was another silence, Hannah felt she owed it to Sara to tell her what happened from her perspective. 'I tried to talk him down but I lost my temper, he was so, so angry at me. He wanted me dead, more than anyone else, me. I was there at the end, me and dad. It was horrible.' She couldn't say much more but Sara seemed to understand.
They sat in silence while the seats filled up, Hannah watched as her old friend Frieda approached and made a mental note to go and see her at some point; she watched Jac and Sacha approach and neither of them even glanced at her; she watched as Roxanna wheeled in Ollie in a wheelchair, but when he looked up she averted her gaze so she wouldn't catch his eye. Her father was there at the front with John and Essie but Hannah couldn't focus on any of it. She just stared at the purple cloth shifting slightly in the breeze at the front of the crowd. She took a deep breath and squeezed Sara's hand, she knew that she needed comfort too.
Once everyone was settled, Essie moved to the front to address the crowd from behind a stand but Hannah couldn't hear a word. She tried to focus as her father stood up to speak but she could only hear her own heartbeat thrumming in her ears as memories swam across her mind. Her attention was finally drawn back to the present moment when Hanssen moved away suddenly from the stand and walked swiftly back towards the hospital, he was distressed. She heard murmurs then and a few eyes were on her, of course it was up to her to fix this, it was always up to her to reason with him.
She stood up quickly and Sara shifted her long legs to let her pass. She felt eyes on her as she hurried past the crowd and towards her father who had paused a little way away.
'Dad?' She called quietly, not wanting to interrupt the service. He didn't say anything, she put a hand on his arm but he shook it off so she tried again, holding tighter this time, not giving him a chance to brush her away. ‘Just, stop! Talk to me…’ She said quietly but he just looked at her with large eyes.
He stopped for a moment, his eyes were wide and he was frightened, panicking. Without warning he pulled away from her again and hurried inside the hospital, leaving her stood there looking after him. The service had resumed but she could still feel people watching her, she looked towards the hospital and then back at the memorial, tasked with an impossible choice. Her eyes met John's but he betrayed nothing, he couldn't make this choice for her, it had to be her.
She took a deep breath and returned to her seat, staring down at her knees for the rest of the memorial and not taking in a word that was said, she couldn't even bring herself to look at the statue.
She was one of the last to leave, she and Sara parted ways without a word even though they both knew that this would be the last time they would see one another, any reunion would be too painful. It took a woman to know this kind of thing. A few drops of rain began to fall and Hannah was stirred from her trance, she looked up at the opening sky and let the rain fall on her face and closed her eyes. When she was finally ready she rose from her seat and made her way to the school to pick up her son.

….

After the memorial, it took Hanssen a little while to get his feet on the ground again, he left Holby to take some personal time and Hannah decided that if he was going to get through it all she could do was let him know that she was there, but otherwise leave him to it. He had to heal by himself, she couldn't do it for him this time. In the meantime, she took Gaskell's advice and tried to focus on herself and her son. Danny was overjoyed at getting to spend more time with her and she spoiled him with little presents and days out as often as she could. During the days when he was at school she went to the hospital and helped John go over notes or sat with Ollie as he gradually began to regain fragments of memory. With John, she felt like nothing more than a glorified secretary but she also enjoyed the work, it was mind-numbing to be simply reading over notes but at the same time it was fascinating. It didn't induce her in the slightest to go to the dark side of neurology, but it was interesting to see inside of his mind all the same, he really was a genius.
After a couple of weeks, however, things began to get tiresome and she wanted to be doing something more, she knew what she had to do, she needed to get away from Holby.
She decided to broach the subject with John but when she went down to the wet lab, Meena Chowdhury was with him. Hannah wasn't intimidated by Meena, she was younger and whilst she was prettier than Hannah, she was a little vapid at times. All the same there was something about Meena that Hannah wasn't keen on, something that made her uncomfortable. However, Hannah was still technically her superior and so always treated her with the respect and courtesy of a colleague.
She hung back by the door, not wanting to interrupt John as he explained something to Meena who looked more at him in awe than the microscope, batting her impossibly long eyelashes. John looked up and saw her, his face broke into a smile that she couldn’t help but return.
'Dr. Hanssen, how nice to see you.' He said brightly and Meena gave Hannah one of her uncomfortable smiles she gave whenever Hannah intruded on her private time with her precious Professor Gaskell.
'Hi,' Hannah replied, walking into the lab and smiling at them both, her arm was aching again and it was taking more out of her than usual that day but she did her best to hide the pain.
'Dr. Chowdhury could you give us a minute?' John asked Meena and Hannah blushed a little and tried to pretend she didn't see the look of annoyance on Meena's face.
'Of course...' She said, disappointed and hurried past Hannah who moved out of the way for her. John didn't speak again until she was gone.
'How's your shoulder?' He asked and Hannah shrugged as she came to stand beside his stool.
'It's sore,' she replied and he reached up before pausing.
'May I?' He asked and she nodded. He pulled back her shirt and jacket to reveal a clean, white bandage over her wound and he suddenly relaxed from a tension she'd not even noticed he'd been holding. He'd been nervous she'd been pressing it again and was relieved to see it was clear, that she was really getting better. 'It all looks good to me.'
'It's healing nicely.' She said with an awkward smile, the hidden subtext was like a secret between them and for a moment she reflected on how odd it was that she had this hidden link to an old friend of her father’s, a man over twice her age. She pushed the thought aside though and returned to the present.
'I'll just have a nice ugly scar to add to the collection. Another moment of my life memorialised which I'd rather forget.' She mused, pulling her shirt back into place.
'I think scars show our strength.' John replied and Hannah almost laughed at the sentimentality of it.
'Yeah, I was really strong in this case,’ she replied sarcastically before pointing to a small scar below her right ear, near her jaw, it had barely been visible but now John saw it he knew he would always see it. ‘And then this one... Danny's dad gave me that one, the last time I ever saw him, before he disappeared off to God knows where. I suppose he wanted to give me something to remember him by... And then there's...' She stopped, she still couldn't bring herself to talk about the scar down her left forearm, it was too painful and uncomfortable a recollection.
'I think you're one of the strongest women I've ever met.' John told her and she smiled at him, blushing again.
'Oh, stop it.' She grinned and hurried on before he could say anything else to make her blush, 'Anyway, I didn't come here so you could unabashedly compliment me, I came to tell you I'm going to take your advice and finally qualify as a specialist registrar, God knows Darwin needs one right now. I think I've been in training for long enough and I'm ready to move onwards and upwards.' She said and he gave her a new kind of smile, one she hadn't seen him give anyone else, it had a special sparkle in his eyes.
'I think that's a wonderful idea.' He told her and she smiled back but now there was no trace of bashfulness in her features, she felt completely comfortable with him.
She stayed with him a little while longer before he had to return to the ward when she walked up with him to say goodbye to Ollie, explaining that she wouldn't be around for a few weeks, he seemed to take the news well. When she finally left the hospital, she felt a vague sense of optimism, her world was starting to get a little larger.