How Did We Get Here?

Hannah was gone from Holby for nearly a month and when she returned she did her best to act like she was doing so much better than she really was. She had returned to the hospital before her father had so she knew that the talk would be a little worse with her, the whispers would be a little more audible, but she did her best to ignore it and pretend like she didn't care what people were saying. She was surprised to find that Jac was already back at work and saddened to hear of Ollie's frustration as memories resurfaced for him regarding his medical knowledge, she knew that he could never really be a doctor again and tried to make that known to him gently, apparently her subtlety had been too great though.
Working with Frieda was good, she had missed her sardonic wit and she tried her best to hold on to the link that Ms. Petrenko gave her to her past, a past where things were much less complicated. After a couple of days of working on the ward, Hannah was doing her best to pretend like nothing had happened, that she was the same, the only difference was that now she was Ms. Hanssen rather than Dr. Hanssen.
When Nicky McKendrick was placed on Darwin ward to complete the necessary part of her rotation, Fletch was torn between which doctor to place her under for mentorship. Eventually he chose Hannah, he thought that it would be good for her to have someone to share her knowledge with. She was reluctant at first and did her best to distance herself from Nicky and when Fletch noticed this he split the mentoring duties evenly between the two main registrars, Frieda and Hannah had equal power.
Hannah's shoulder still ached from time to time but had genuinely healed well and she no longer had to have a bulky bandage placed over the wound. It still hadn't completely healed over so she had to have a light plaster over it most of the time, but it wasn't so bad. The real problem lay with the fact that sometimes it stuck a little when she was tired or when she'd had a long day. She hid it well from her co-workers and knew that it would never really go away but it didn't affect her work much so she didn't deem it a problem, just another scar to add to the list.
She knew that it was ironic for her to encourage her father to seek help without seeking it herself so she made the effort to attend a therapy session once every week and her therapist was so encouraged by her improvement that the sessions were reduced to once every two weeks. Hannah genuinely felt like she was getting better, that she was managing to move on from the horrific events before Christmas. The only real thing that plagued her still was the awareness that her father was still suffering.
She tried extensively to help him, to encourage him to talk to someone even if it wasn't her, but he never listened. She avoided his study, she hated seeing his map, she hated seeing her face up there like she had died. She hadn’t, she was very much alive and she didn't want to have to keep reminding herself of that, her mantra became more prominent in her life and she hated that, it was supposed to be a coping mechanism but now it felt like a necessity, a routine. Her father barely spoke to her at all in those days, he avoided being in the same room as her and Danny and she had to explain to her young son that he was just busy with work. It was heart-breaking but she didn't know how else to address their problem, she didn't know how to help him anymore.
Gradually she lost sight of him as she grew even closer to John than she had been already. Returning to Holby gave her more opportunity to spend time with him and whilst the trial was a good premise for their meetings, they often strayed into more personal topics. More often than not, they met in the stairwell, the place which had been Hannah’s spot became their spot and whenever either of them needed some space to think or a friendly word they went there and sometimes found one another. It was like an unspoken code, it was a source of comfort for them both.
After she was qualified as a registrar and she was planning on returning to work she made more of an effort to bring her family together again. It culminated in a special dinner one night on a rare day off she had. She began preparing for it in the early afternoon; she went shopping especially for the perfect ingredients then meticulously followed a recipe from a cookbook so it would be ready as soon as her father arrived home with Danny, it had been previously agreed that he would pick him up from his childminders.
When they arrived, Hannah was setting the table and she cornered them in the hallway before either of them could disappear.
'Dinner is almost ready, we're going to sit down and have a nice family dinner, okay?' She said and the two males shared a look as she turned and hurried back to the kitchen to begin serving up the food.
Danny was in a particularly dire mood, he had gotten in trouble at school and was taking it very personally. He didn't want to eat what Hannah had made, he wanted to go and play on his computer. Her father wasn't in a much better mood and he wanted to disappear into his study and spend time alone. Hannah tried desperately to keep them together but they were both as bad as each other. Hanssen began by helping her establish Danny at the dinner table whilst she began to dish up food onto his plate but he was incessantly whining, Hannah was able to tune it out but her father was growing cross with the child.
'Now stop squirming and sit up straight.' He ordered his grandson and Danny scowled and pouted.
'I don't want to, it's not fair...' He wailed as Hannah placed his plate in front of him.
'Enough now Danny, we're going to have a nice family dinner.' Hannah said quietly but her voice was lost under Danny's whines and Hanssen's reprimands. Hannah placed the final plate and tried to turn her attention to calming down Danny but Hanssen was losing his temper.
'If you don't stop you'll have to go to bed without any dinner, how would you like that?' He said sternly, not raising his voice but his tone was angry and it sparked the light of rebellion in Danny, the rebellion he had inherited from his mother.
'Fine!' He shouted and jumped from his chair, crying and ran to his room, slamming the door behind him. Hannah didn't have a chance to say anything before Hanssen himself stood and picked up his plate.
'Thank you for the dinner, I think I'd prefer to eat alone tonight.' He said and he too disappeared to the study before Hannah could stop him. Hannah was left sitting at the table by herself, only the sound of Danny's exaggerated wails echoed through the house. Slowly, Hannah put her head in her hands and rested her elbows on the table. She tried so hard to make it work but she thought that she might have to accept defeat, things would never go back to how they were, she was a failure.
After that she stopped trying so hard, Danny noticed she was dimmer and had a shorter temper and after a particular instance when he made her cry from frustration he made all the effort a six-year-old could make to behave better.
As more time passed Hannah began to see slight changes in her father, she noticed when the map was gone and it brightened her a little with the hope that he was getting better. He didn't announce his intentions to return to work, and it was as much of a surprise to her as it was to everyone else when she heard the news one day that he was back. She sought him out, wanting to check that everything was going alright.
She went to his office and knocked timidly, even if he was her father, in the hospital she felt like a child going to the headmaster’s office.
'Come in.' He called and she entered slowly with what she hoped was a reassuring smile.
'Hey,' She greeted him and he put down the file he was reading, she was glad that he was willing to pay her a little attention at least, it was more than she was used to recently.
'Dr. Hanssen, is everything alright?' He asked and she responded automatically.
'Ms. Hanssen...' She corrected him and then stopped herself as she crossed to the desk. 'Oh God, I'm turning into you, sorry.' She said and thought for a moment she saw a glimmer of a smile on his lips.
'Of course, my apologies, Ms. Hanssen.' He said and she thought she saw a flash of pride in his eyes. She wondered if he was proud of her, of what she'd achieved, of what she'd managed to overcome. 'Is everything alright?' He repeated and she sat down slowly.
'Yes, everything's fine with me, I came to see how you are. You didn't say you were planning on coming back.' She said slowly and he sighed.
'My apologies, I wasn't aware I needed your seal of approval.' He replied drily and she winced a little, rolling her eyes.
'You know that's not what I meant.' She said and he smiled a little but it didn't reach his eyes.
'Quite, but yes, everything is fine. In fact, I'm performing a surgery this evening, I think it would benefit you greatly to observe, it's quite an interesting case.' He said and she smiled.
'Of course, I'd love to.'
'You'd also, perhaps, keep Mr. Valentine happy. He is quite agitated at present, he seems to think that he will be able to resume his professional duties.' Hanssen said, suddenly avoiding her eye and her smile fell.
'Oh, yes... We haven't really spoken about Ollie, have we? Or, the other thing.' She said, she wanted desperately to talk to him about it, speaking to a therapist about her miscarriage was one thing but she really wanted to open up to him about what she’d gone through.
'No, and I don't think here is an appropriate time nor place.' He replied quickly, standing suddenly so she was a little taken aback.
'But we will talk about it?' She asked quickly with wide eyes. He couldn't bring himself to look at her still, but he did give a small nod and she decided she needed to take what she could get, this was as good as a promise from him.
'Now if you'll excuse me.' He said quietly and then cleared his throat. Hannah rose slowly and left, she didn't know what else to say.
The rest of the day passed slowly and rolled into the night shift when everything in the hospital was eerily quiet. Hannah loved this part of the night, she loved the calm, the way the patients were all sleeping and she could take her time with things. There was no rush, no pressure.
She decided against observing the procedure from within the theatre, she wanted to stay in the gallery with Ollie, to keep him in check as much as possible. He seemed to have something against her father, he was doing everything he possibly could to undermine him, distract him, humiliate him, and it grated on Hannah's nerves but she tried to keep calm and collected, it would make things easier and it wasn't fair on Ollie to berate him. They had all been through so much.
After a couple of hours, Sacha and some of the others decided to take a break but her father declined. Her eyes were starting to get droopy and she struggled to focus on the surgery so she also decided to head back to the ward and see how things were going there. She ended up staying on the ward for half an hour and then she spent some time with those who were on a break, she realised her father was still working and headed back to the theatre.
'Dad?' She called through the intercom, he didn't even look up, he didn't respond. 'Maybe you should take a break?' She suggested and he ignored her so she just sighed and crossed her arms, concerned.
'Worried he's a bit stressed? He seems a little tense to me.' Ollie commented in a jarringly bright tone and Hannah nudged him.
'Leave him alone. He's a good doctor.' She said and he looked down.
'Yes, unlike me apparently.' He replied bitterly and Hannah sighed again.
'Ollie, come on, you always knew this, right from the beginning. You can't go back to how things were, everything's different now.' She said softly and he ignored her, she was starting to get used to being ignored.
After a while the silence became unbearable for her so she returned to the ward. She knew that she was meant to be observing this amazing operation but she couldn't bring herself to go back to the theatre, the atmosphere was unbearable. Fletch was angry about something he had been asked to do and it meant she had more work to do on the ward while he was distracted since it was just the two of them. She decided she would field the questions from her father later, instead she absorbed herself in her work and tried to forget about everything else. She was getting tired and regretted agreeing to stay but she knew she had to ride it out.
The first thing she noticed was when Fletch disappeared around the corner and she noted angry voices. She didn't want to get involved if he was having an argument with someone but there were patients trying to sleep so when the voices became raised she got up from her desk at the nurse's station and headed towards the corridor where the argument was coming from. She walked around the corner just in time to see her father grab Fletch by the throat and pin him against the wall. He held him there and Hannah watched in stunned silence.
'Dad!' She suddenly yelled, she wasn't sure what had prompted it from her, she felt too shocked to respond but instinct took over, instinct to protect her friend. Hanssen turned quickly to see her, his eyes were wide as he realised what his daughter had just seen him do. In his eyes she wasn’t a young woman stood there, she was his little girl, a child almost, seeing her father attack another man, he dreaded to imagine what she must have thought of him. He released Fletch who glared at him for a moment before pushing past him and heading towards Hannah, she could only look angry and appalled at her father and as Fletch approached her she held out a hand to him. He put an arm around her and she put her around him, comforting him as they walked back to the nurse's station.
'Are you alright?' She asked and sat him down to try and calm him down, he was seething with anger still.
Ollie came slowly around the corner and Hannah became aware that he too had seen the whole thing. He began to recite something, she could tell he was reciting it because he had a certain tone of voice he didn't usually use. Once he was done he turned to her where she stood behind the desk and she looked back at him with wide eyes, she was vaguely aware that her father had come onto the ward, and collapsed against the wall in tears; but she couldn't pay attention to him, she couldn't take her eyes off Ollie who was looking at her with pain in his eyes, pain and something else, recognition.
'I remember.' He said softly and Hannah came around the desk but kept a little distance, holding onto the desk for support.
'What do you remember?' She whispered, the atmosphere was so tense you could shatter it in a heartbeat.
'I remember why I stepped in front of that gun, I remember you, Hannah Hanssen, I remember our little sprout.' Hannah put her hand to her mouth and struggled to breathe as tears filled her eyes and spilled down her cheeks. Ollie's eyes moved down to her abdomen and his face showed confusion. He came to her side and knelt, she was almost insensible, she could only clutch to the desk for support. He gently took her waist and leant his ear against her stomach, like he was listening for the heartbeat of his child which was gone.
'You were pregnant, we were...' He said and then kissed her stomach and Hannah tried to compose herself a little. 'You didn't tell me.'
Hannah knelt with him, taking his face in her hands like she was going to kiss him and leaning her forehead against his.
'I'm so sorry Ollie, the baby, it... didn't make it. I couldn't tell you, I was too scared, I didn't want to hurt you anymore.' She whispered between her sobs and he looked at her with those beautiful, blue eyes.
'It died?' Ollie asked and Hannah nodded, trying to take deep breaths and calm herself down. Ollie looked pained for a moment before his features cleared and he took her in his arms and held her tightly. She nestled her face into his shoulder and inhaled his scent, she would miss him but she knew that this would be one of their last embraces. They broke apart slightly and then Ollie did something she wasn't expecting from him, he kissed her. It was a simple kiss, unremarkable aside from its wetness due to Hannah's tears. It was short and sweet, it was a goodbye, there was no way either of them could move on together, not from this.
He held her there for a moment more before getting up, leaving Hannah broken on the floor. She was aware that he was going to her father to comfort him and her heart swelled with affection for him but it wasn't love, she didn't love him and that was alright. As he left her she felt freer, she felt like something had been constraining her but now it was gone, it was over. Ollie accepted he wasn't coming back, he accepted Hannah had filled his place, the student had officially become the master and now it was up to her to see that Darwin was safe.
She was vaguely aware of Fletch sitting beside her and taking her hand but she felt calmer now, she finally felt like she was no longer overshadowed by her loss, she could accept it and move forward.