How Did We Get Here?

Chapter Eight - Revelations

Over the next few weeks Hannah kept her head down and engrossed herself in her work. When he was in Tangier, John called her a few times but respected the fact that her family needed her and never asked her to join him; she was grateful for this, she didn't want to miss out on the newfound family time she was getting. Even after only one appointment with his therapist, Hannah noticed a change in her father; he was more relaxed than he had been and he spent more time with her and Danny rather than cooped up in his study. She loved getting to spend time with him when he was like this, she liked to watch him with Danny when he let his guard down and became a grandfather as opposed to the stiff, cold surgeon she was so used to seeing him as.
She began to relax more and settle back into the family dynamic she had been used to, but after a couple of weeks she realised that she really wanted to have more freedom and she began searching for houses and flats without her father's knowledge, she didn't want him to think that she was running away from him, she just needed some space for her and Danny. She found a couple of suitable options but could never bring herself to commit to anything. She needed a push that hadn't come yet, she knew that she would know when the time was right.
When he got back, John and Hannah slipped back into their usual routine of pretending that there was nothing between them when in reality, Hannah was sure now that she could identify the cause for her pet butterflies. She accepted that she had feelings for John and she was sure that he felt the same way about her but there was no way that either of them could do anything about their feelings. Even if John wasn't over twice her age, he was her father's best friend, there was no way she could allow herself to act on any feelings that she might have for him.
So, she kept her feelings bottled and he did the same, of course there were moments where they both slipped a little and made the other aware of their feelings: the brush of a hand or when their eyes met and lingered, there was an inexplicable tension between them but neither of them dared to make the first move, or any move.
She went to him every morning and they met at their spot in the stairwell on occasion, things were normal and Hannah was happy.
It took another two weeks to pass before drama began to unfold for her again, before her life began to get messy and the fear began to creep back into her chest like it was threatening to envelope her.
She arrived early for her shift, same as usual, and headed down towards the wet lab to meet John. She was a little later than usual since Danny hadn’t been able to find his shoes, but it was rare for anyone else to go down to the wet lab before her, except sometimes Meena. Whenever Hannah and Meena met it was uncomfortable.
Meena wasn't blind and she knew that John and Hannah had feelings for one another without even having to ask, she didn't know if either of them had acted on it before but she knew that there was something going on. She and Xavier had finally broken up after a rocky patch and she was feeling more uncertain of herself than ever. She clung to John and the trial like it was all she had left to cling to and John saw her vulnerability, he always did his best to help build her confidence, to make sure that she didn't feel so alone, but it was different to the way he cultivated his time with Hannah. His relationship with Meena was strictly professional, whilst he wanted her to feel comfortable around him and to enjoy working on the trial, he didn't harbour the same kind of feelings for her as he did for Hannah. Meena didn't pick up on this hint however, instead she tried to expand it, she just wanted to feel accepted, she wanted to have what Hannah had.
This morning, Meena had arrived in the wet lab before Hannah with a coffee for John, a regular morning routine but this morning she felt more down than usual. She did her best to put on a brave face as she walked into the lab with a smile for John, he accepted the coffee with thanks and took a sip before turning back to the file he was reading.
'So, what's the plan for the next patient?' she asked brightly, settling down next to him and leaning against the desk. He gently shut the file and leaned forward, his elbows on the desk.
'Well, we're down to three, Roxanna and I need to do our final reviews and then we'll pick one, probably by the end of the day. I'll keep you updated.' he said with a gentle smile and Meena pointed to the file.
'Is that one of the patients?' she asked and he nodded, handing her the file to flip through.
'They've had a lot of operations on their back...' Meena commented and John nodded slowly.
'Yes, it's a tricky procedure, there's too much scar tissue in the back, we'll have to approach from the front, removing a lung temporarily.' he explained and Meena sagged a little.
'You'll need Ms Hanssen.' she observed and John nodded.
'Yes, most likely, unless Ms Naylor returns to us miraculously.' he said and Meena thought for a moment, trying to think of the best way to word her next question.
'Is Ms Hanssen officially a part of the trial? I mean is she one of us?' she asked and she expected John to show some kind of emotion, anger perhaps if she'd spoken out of term, but he remained soft with that gentle smile of his.
'I hope she might join us soon, yes. She seems a little averse to it but I hope to win her around. Of course, she wouldn't be involved in every case, in every surgery, that's why you're integral to the trial, I need you to be there every step of the way.' he said and Meena felt that strange impulse that both John and Hannah had felt before, the only difference was that she wasn't very good at controlling her impulses. She leaned forward suddenly and kissed him, taking his face in her hands. He froze for a moment in shock, his eyes wide, just as Hannah walked in.
She froze as she saw Meena kissing John and suddenly she felt numb, she wasn't sure how to feel, this wasn't something she'd expected to see. John caught sight of her out of the corner of his eye and it seemed to snap him back to reality and he pushed off Meena, firmly but not harshly, he turned to Hannah but she was already turning to leave.
'Hannah!' he called after her and jumped from his stool, rushing out of the lab and after her into the corridor where she seemed to be walking in a sort of daze, he caught up to her and grabbed her arm, turning her to face him.
'I didn't mean to interrupt...' she said, gently releasing her arm from his grip. The feeling in her chest was starting to come back, the sinking, crushing feeling, but stronger than she'd felt it in a long time. She wondered if this is how it felt to have your heart broken.
'Hannah, as clichéd as it sounds, it's not what it looks like.' he said quickly but she shrugged.
'It doesn't really look like anything to me, your personal life is your personal life, you can kiss who you want it's nothing to do with me...' she was surprised with the calmness of her voice, she was surprised she wasn't crying; her chest was contracting so hard she momentarily thought she might be having a heart attack but she knew that was silly.
‘Hannah you’re not understanding me…’ he said and she paused, waiting for him to elaborate when in actuality he was battling with his conscience, trying to decide whether it was a good idea to reveal his feelings for her, especially in that moment. When he didn’t say anything, she sighed.
‘There’s nothing to understand, sorry, I’m late for work…’ she said quietly and turned and walked towards the stairs, she didn’t know if she expected him to follow but when he didn’t she felt it pang in her chest as she doubted whether her hunches had ever been right, maybe she was the only one harbouring a stupid crush.
When she arrived on the ward ready for work she headed right for the board to check her theatre slots for the day and pick up her cases. She scanned the list for her name and only found two procedures in the electives, she rubbed out her name with her thumb and wrote in Frieda’s, luckily Frieda walked past at that moment.
‘Oh, Frieda, can you take my theatre slots this afternoon?’ she asked and Frieda narrowed her eyes, coming to stand beside her so they could keep their conversation private. ‘It’s just a CABG and a mini-maze.’ Hannah said, looking at her friend and hoping she would say yes.
‘Of course, but why don’t you want to go into theatre?’ she asked suspiciously and Hannah tried her best to smile.
‘I’m not having a great day, I don’t trust myself in theatre right now.’ she said quietly and Frieda raised an eyebrow but nodded understandingly.
‘Do you need a hug?’ she asked and Hannah’s smile became a little more genuine.
‘You don’t do hugs.’ she countered and Frieda shrugged.
‘This is true but I’m sure Fletch is around here somewhere,’ she said glancing around and it was Hannah’s turn to raise an eyebrow, ‘or I’m sure I could make an exception for an old friend…’ Frieda said and Hannah knew she meant it.
‘I’d never dream of putting you in that position.’ she replied and a flicker of a smile danced across Frieda’s face.
'Well, in thanks I will do you a fair trade.' Frieda smiled gently and handed her a case file.
'I suppose that's only fair.' Hannah replied and accepted the file before Frieda could give her the details.
'It's a consult on Keller, but judging by the notes Mr Johnson is going to have to be moved to Darwin anyway, he's Ms MacMillan's patient but according to her Professor Gaskell is taking a vested interest in him too.' Frieda said with a wink and any semblance of relief Hannah had felt in her interaction with her friend evaporated. She forced her best smile as Frieda walked away and held the patient file with a little less enthusiasm than she had initially felt. She sighed and opened it to read the notes as she walked towards Keller to find Roxanna.
When she found the patient, she couldn't find Ms MacMillan anywhere so she began to run her own tests and hoped Roxanna wouldn't mind. Dom gave her a funny look as she approached the nurse's station and raised an eyebrow.
'And to what do we owe the pleasure?' he asked and Hannah laughed but the light didn't reach her eyes, no matter how many friends she spoke to she couldn't seem to shake off the heartbreak she'd felt that morning, every second brought with it the dread of seeing Meena or John
'No, but seriously, what brings you from the high and mighty Darwin down to us mere peasants?' he asked and she rolled her eyes.
'Can you stop?' she asked and he grinned.
'Sorry,' he replied and Hannah put down the file, open as she continued to skim the patient's notes to double check for any history of chest problems.
'Have you seen Ms MacMillan?' she asked and Dom raised an eyebrow.
'Looking for Ms MacMillan and not Professor Gaskell?' he asked and she struggled to maintain her smile.
'We're not joined at the hip you know, Dom. I'm consulting on Ms MacMillan's patient.' she said and passed Dom the file.
'Ah yes, Mr Johnson, unlucky fella. He has a spinal injury that's due to be rectified, Professor Gaskell is keen to get in on that too, he's got you all fighting over him.' Dom commented as his eyes ran over the notes.
'Well that might have to wait, I have a hunch he needs heart surgery, just waiting on a couple of results to come back and confirm my suspicions.' she said as she accepted the file he handed back to her.
'You and Professor Gaskell will be fighting over him I think, let's hope you can manage to keep your clothes on...' Dom grinned, and Hannah turned scarlet as John appeared at her elbow.
'What are we fighting over?' he asked her and Dom's face fell as he saw Hannah's mortified expression; of course, like everyone else, he had suspected she had a crush on him but he'd never intended to embarrass her like that. He slowly stood up and backed away from them, making a mental note to apologise to Hannah later.
'Mr Johnson,' Hannah said as she showed John the file. 'I suspect he has a clot which needs to be removed as soon as possible.' she explained, avoiding his eye and trying her best to remain cool and professional.
'Ah right but he is actually booked in for spinal surgery I believe.' John said and Hannah's blush deepened.
'He needs this surgery more.' she said, looking up to meet his eye defiantly, when it came to patient care she lost her inhibitions.
'You don't know for certain yet, perhaps you should wait and listen to all the facts before making snap decisions about situations where you may actually turn out to be wrong.' he said, staring her down, and she knew they weren't talking about the patient anymore. She didn't want to have that conversation, especially not on the ward, and she could already feel the lump in her throat and the stinging at the back of her eyes. She turned suddenly and began to walk away, intending to leave the ward as quickly as she could.
As she passed the office, however, Roxanna emerged and Hannah crossed to her.
'Ms MacMillan, Ms Petrenko and I swapped a couple of cases today so I've run some tests on Mr Johnson and booked him in for a CT scan but I suspect he has a large clot which will need to be removed in theatre later today. I'm afraid the spinal operation will have to wait.' she said quickly and Roxanna listened with a glint of concern in her eye.
'Alright, well if you're right then of course we'll have him moved to Darwin as soon as possible.' she said and Hannah gave a quick nod and made to leave. 'Hannah wait, are you okay?' she asked, taking her arm gently and Hannah took a deep breath and let it out slowly.
'I suppose so, why do you ask?' she asked and Roxanna gave a small smile.
'You have tears in your eyes.' she said and Hannah tried to blink them back with little success. She bowed her head and cleared her throat but when she looked back up it was no better. Roxanna gestured towards the office and put her arm around her. Hannah sat down heavily and pulled her hair from its ponytail, running her fingers through it again and again. Roxanna sat beside her and waited until she was ready before asking her to confide her problems. Hannah didn't know why she suddenly let herself go and spilled everything to Roxanna, she felt an odd connection with her, she'd become a sort of mother-figure to her recently and Hannah didn't want that to be for nothing, she wanted to have someone she could talk to about personal things, it wasn’t easy to talk to her father.
'Well, it feels weird saying this but recently I feel like I've kind of developed these... feelings, for John.' Roxanna seemed surprised and her eyes widened a little, 'I know it's insane because of my dad and everything and I was never planning on acting on them or letting John know they were there or anything but I've not felt this way about anyone since Danny's dad, Liam. Ollie was just a friendship that went too far, I've had odd one-night stands here and there across the years but I've never felt a connection to someone like I feel with John, God please don't judge me this is all so embarrassing to admit out loud.' she groaned and Roxanna waited, she had a feeling that she wasn't done.
'I mean that's not the reason I'm upset today,' Hannah dutifully continued, taking a couple of shaky breaths. 'I don't know, I sometimes thought that maybe John felt the same way but then sometimes I just thought it was because he was being nice to me because he felt sorry for me but then this morning I saw Meena kissing him and, I don't know, it hurt.'
'Wait, John kissed Dr Chowdhury?' Roxanna asked and Hannah cringed a little.
'I mean, in retrospect she looked a lot more into it than him.' she admitted and then wondered if he had been telling the truth, if things weren't as they had seemed and she'd completely overreacted.
'This is a lot to process.' Roxanna said and Hannah smiled but it looked more like a grimace.
'I'm sorry, I don't mean to pile onto you, I've never really had much experience in this kind of thing and I guess I don't really know how to handle it. I could never exactly go to my dad about anything like this, and I've never had a mum to talk feelings and stuff with...' she said and looked down so she missed the way Roxanna stiffened slightly.
'You don't have to apologise, it must have been hard, not having a mother when growing up...' Roxanna said quietly, staring down at the floor with wide eyes and Hannah nodded slightly.
'It was hard, especially when dad was going through his depressive episodes. Before he admitted it for what it was he just had to battle through and I just had to battle through it with him, I wasn't exactly a helpful kid either. I blamed him for everything, well most things. I blamed myself for my mum not sticking around and I always thought he did too, I mean she left a couple of months after I was born, it had to have been me, right?' the question was rhetorical but Roxanna reached out and grabbed Hannah's hand all the same.
'No, it wasn't your fault, Hannah, I can tell you that much. I'm sure your mother loved you very much, there were just other things that got in the way...' she said and Hannah narrowed her eyes slightly.
'Did you know her?' she asked quietly and a spark of excitement shot through her eyes as Roxanna began to panic, but Hannah couldn't notice that, all she could think about was how she would finally get answers after so many years without anything.
'Yes, I did.' Roxanna admitted, unable to lie.
'Who was she?' Hannah asked, sitting up straight and gripping Roxanna's hand in excitement, all trace of tears gone from her eyes.
'Hannah I...'
'What was her name? You can at least tell me that, can't you? Are you still in contact, does she remember me? Please, you can't tell me you knew her and then not tell me anything about her!' Hannah was pleading now, she desperately needed to know something, anything, about the part of her life that was missing.
'Hannah, I can't...' she argued and Hannah suddenly let go of her hand, anger and frustration flashing through her eyes.
'What do you mean?' she asked and Roxanna stumbled for words and then stood up quickly, she needed some space.
'Your father, he asked me not to say anything to you, not to tell you anything. David and I were both sworn to secrecy...' she said, keeping her back to Hannah so she couldn't see the pain and conflict on her face.
'But that was twenty-six years ago! Surely things have changed?' she begged but Roxanna shook her head.
'I'm sorry.' she said firmly and Hannah sat there for a moment in bewildered silence before the shock of the betrayal fully hit her and she grew angry.
'I can't believe this. Fine, keep your secrets. I'm sorry I trusted you.' she said bitterly before grabbing the patient file and storming from the office, leaving Roxanna alone.
For a moment, all Roxanna could do was stand there in stunned silence, trying to keep her breathing under control after the confrontation with Hannah. For twenty-seven years, she had been tasked with this secret, she had thought that it would be easier to deal with after David's death but in reality it only made things more complicated; she didn't have anyone she could talk to about it. She felt stupid for ever believing that Hannah wouldn't want to know exactly who her mother was, especially once she found out that Roxanna knew. She wrung her hands together and took a couple of deep breaths as she made a final resolve, she was going to go and talk to Henrik about this, she felt like it was finally time that Hannah knew the truth.
She left the office quickly in search of Henrik and found him with a patient. She waited until he was done with the patient by hurrying to his side.
'Henrik, could I have a word?' she requested and he nodded slightly and they moved to one side, it gave them a little privacy but Roxanna knew they would need more so she quickly guided him to the nearest private spot, the locker room. She carefully shut the door behind them and then turned back to Henrik who was wearing a concerned expression.
'Is everything alright?' he asked and she took another deep breath, steeling herself for the conversation that they had to have.
'I want to tell Hannah the truth.' she said and he stiffened at once, his eyes widening.
'Absolutely not.' he said, his voice raised.
'Why not? Hmm? She's a grown woman Henrik and things are less complicated now, I don't like lying to her, keeping it from her.' Roxanna said, stepping towards him but there was a fire in his eyes, a stubbornness and she knew that she wouldn't win this battle, but she couldn't let that stop her from fighting it.
'If you didn't want to keep it from her then you shouldn't have walked away when you did.' he said and then took a deep breath, he knew it wasn't fair, that the circumstances had been more convoluted than that. 'The fact of the matter is that I raised her, you did not. I will not let her be hurt from this, not now.' he said, his voice softening a little but Roxanna couldn't let herself be defeated yet.
'Henrik, I know I hurt you both, I hurt a lot of people, but we all decided that it was the best option back then. Things have changed...' she pleaded but he shook his head.
'Things might have changed, Roxanna, but I will not run the risk of hurting her further, especially not now.' he said firmly and Roxanna steeled herself.
'What if I made a different call?' she asked softly, 'We've become close, and she knows that I know who her mother was.' she said and he took a step towards her, the fire glittering in his eyes again.
'I'm only going to say this once… I forbid you to tell Hannah that you are her mother.' he said and there was a silence between them. Roxanna tried to stare him down but she couldn't, instead she looked down at the floor and gave a slight nod.
'Alright, I'll trust your judgement.' she said quietly and Henrik paused for a moment but didn't say anything else. He brushed past her and left quickly, leaving her alone with her thoughts.
In the meantime, Hannah herself had returned to Darwin to take care of a couple of patients there whilst she waited for the results of Mr Johnson's tests and for the radiologist to conduct his scan. She tried to focus as she worked but there was something nagging at the back of her mind, it was like there was something obvious that she was missing but she couldn't quite put the pieces together.
After a couple of hours Dom paged her to let her know that Mr Johnson's tests were complete and that the results showed a large clot that needed to be removed as quickly as possible. She organised to have him moved to Darwin and found herself in front of the board for the second time that day. She sighed as she looked at the empty slot and she put her name down, it looked like she would be going into theatre after all.
Her depression pushed at her steadily, not getting any better or worse as she prepared for theatre, and all the while that nagging sensation crept at the back of her mind. She found herself in the stairwell, looking out at the cars, she was due in theatre soon so she was taking a little time to collect herself.
'I hoped I might find you here.' John said from behind her and she turned around quickly, jumping at his appearance.
'Oh, God, you startled me.' she cried with a light laugh, momentarily forgetting her griefs and he smiled at her and apologised as he came to stand by her side.
'I heard that Mr Johnson was moved to Darwin.' he said and Hannah nodded.
'Yes, we're heading into theatre in twenty minutes.' she replied and turned back to the cars. It was the middle of June and the past few days had been hot but today was cloudy and grey, a light drizzle began and Hannah recollected something from English classes about pathetic fallacy.
'I'm sorry for the way I treated you on the ward, it was rude and unprofessional.' he said and she shrugged a little, she didn't know how to act. She was still upset about what she'd seen between him and Meena but the more recent conversation with Roxanna was more prominently on her mind.
'Were you still close with my dad when I was born?' she asked suddenly and could tell it took him by surprise.
'No...' he answered after a while, 'I grew apart from them for a while.'
'You went off to have medical adventures.' she commented and he smiled.
'Something like that, why do you ask?' he asked and she sighed.
'Roxanna knows who my mother was but won't tell me, I wondered if you might know too.' she said and he looked down at his hands, she didn't look at him.
'I'm sorry, I don't know who she was, I'll admit I only found out you existed when you were already five years old. Do you remember the first time we met?' he asked and she realised that she didn't. 'You were very shy, you hid behind your father's legs and then he made you sit on his lap so everyone could see you, he was very proud of you, he wanted to show you off.' John said and Hannah smiled a little but blushed.
'That's not something I could ever imagine him doing…’
'Oh yeah, you've always been his pride and joy.' John assured her and she managed to give him a small smile. There was another pause between them and Hannah could feel the tension like a balloon, acting as a buffer.
'Look,' she said suddenly, wanting to be the first one to speak, 'I think it's safe to say that this morning I saw something I was not supposed to see and whether it was a... reciprocal act or not, it really was none of my business.' she said, forcing her tone to appear light and to look at John. She felt like he could see right through her, like he wasn't buying her act for a minute.
'She kissed me and I froze, she's since apologised and it's all been chalked up to a misunderstanding.' he explained softly and Hannah nodded, she believed him but she didn't know if she was so sure of his feelings towards her anymore.
'I think it's best we just forget about it? Try and move on and pretend like it never happened?' she suggested and he smiled gently.
'I'd like that.' he said and she took a deep breath, when she released it she felt a little lighter and her brain felt a little clearer. That nudging sensation was back and more powerful now she didn't have this to think about. She pushed it to the back of her mind and made to leave.
'I need to go and get ready for Mr Johnson's op, I'll let you know how it goes.' she promised and headed for the stairs.
'Good luck.' he called after her, wishing he'd taken those precious few moments to say something more. He felt like he was in a constant battle with himself, trying to decide just how much to reveal.
Hannah headed to theatre and scrubbed in quickly, wanting to be ready to go as soon as the anaesthetist gave the all clear, Nicky was already there, preparing.
'Thank you for letting me be part of this procedure, Ms Hanssen, really thank you.' she said as Hannah switched off her tap and Hannah gave her a smile, the nudging feeling was getting stronger but she tried to push it back.
'I needed someone to assist and you need to learn, seemed like a good mix to me.'
Hannah gave Nicky a small smile as she left the sink to don her gown and gloves. All the while she couldn't shake the uncomfortable feeling that she was missing something huge, something obvious. As soon as Nicky and the rest of the team were ready, Hannah began the operation and tried to focus. For a while she succeeded, she managed to put all thoughts to the back of her mind other than the task at hand and it worked, the surgery went well. It was just before they began to close, nearly two hours later, that realisation hit Hannah like a bus.
She froze suddenly as the reality hit her. Of course, she couldn't be sure of anything yet but she felt certain that her hunch was a good one and once she'd begun to entertain it she struggled to keep it from her mind.
'Ms Hanssen? Is everything alright?' Nicky asked and Hannah blinked before nodding.
'Yes, uh, 2-0 prolene and get some TXA in him please.' She instructed and people obeyed her without question. 'We'll do the inner layer of sutures with 2-0 and then use surgical glue to make it airtight. Dr McKendrick, would you like to do the honours?' she asked and Nicky beamed behind her mask. Hannah gave her a comforting smile and did her best to hide her shaking hand, this was why she hadn't wanted to operate that day.
She supervised as Nicky closed the patient slowly, horrendously slowly, Hannah needed to get out of that theatre but she couldn't leave an F1 by themselves. She was impatient but didn't dare open her mouth lest she was rude to Nicky, instead she tapped her fingers together, it helped to hide the shaking as well.
As soon as Nicky was done she checked the patient quickly and determined that everything was fine before hastening to scrub out. As soon as she was done she made to run off to Keller ward, she needed to speak to her father urgently, but Fletch was waiting outside the theatre with the news that a patient wanted to see her to discuss their upcoming operation which was scheduled for the following day. Hannah was impatient but did her best to appear calm to the patient as she answered all their questions before she was able to rush off.
Roxanna battled with herself all day, she couldn't go against Henrik's better judgement, she really didn't have a right to any say in the situation. All the same it felt horrible to keep the truth from Hannah, her daughter. She was distracted and irritable as she tried to work out a loophole but she knew that if she was to go against Henrik's wishes then it would only create problems for everyone involved. The end of the shift was nearing and Roxanna headed towards the locker room to collect her things and leave for the day, she didn't want to stay a minute longer than she had to. When she walked in Henrik was already there, he was sat down with his head bowed, holding a photo of Hannah and Danny pulling funny faces into the camera.
'That used to be on your desk, right?' she asked softly and Henrik nodded slightly, not looking up. Roxanna sat down beside him and looked at the photograph. 'I know she means the world to you, they both do. I don't want to get in the way, I don't want to intrude in any way, I just want her to know.' she urged but Henrik shook his head again.
'You don't understand as much as you think you do, she's fragile, she wouldn't be able to handle something like this.' he said, his voice was soft but Roxanna could sense the underlying tension, he would never yield to her.
Before Roxanna could reply the door burst open and Hannah herself emerged as a whirlwind, she saw them both and Hanssen quietly put the photograph to one side.
'Good I'm glad you're both together, here.' Hannah said and Henrik sighed and stood.
'Roxanna has told me about the conversation you had earlier...' he said and Hannah paled at the thought that her father knew about the inappropriate feelings she had for John.
'Uh, how much exactly did she tell you?' she asked and Hanssen was momentarily confused.
'She told me about how you tried to pressure her into revealing the identity of your mother and I stand by my decision that I will not tell you and neither will she. It would only cause pain for all, I assure you.' he spoke in a matter of fact tone and made to leave but Hannah stepped in front of him, more confident now that she knew he didn't know her secret.
'What if I guessed correctly?' she asked quietly and Roxanna gripped the edges of the bench, her knuckles turning white; Hanssen didn't say anything but the colour of his face changed a little.
'Dad, I'm going to ask you something and I want you to answer me honestly.' Hannah said in a very quiet voice and Hanssen took a step back and sat down a little heavily. The tension in the room was so thick it was almost stifling, Roxanna knew that Hannah had worked it out but Hanssen held on to the hope that she hadn't. There was a pause as Hannah worked up the courage to ask the question and then she took a deep breath and decided that the time had come to face her fears.
'Is Roxanna my mother?' She asked so, so quietly and Hanssen's eyes widened, he couldn't believe that she'd worked it out. Tears came to his eyes but he didn't let them escape and when he spoke his voice was hoarse.
'Yes.' he said bluntly and Hannah didn't know how to feel anything other than shock. All her life Hannah had wondered and hoped that one day she might find out who her mother was, even meet her, she never dreamed that it could have been someone who had been there all along.
'Why?' she asked suddenly, anger tinging her voice as Hanssen looked down. 'Why did you lie to me for twenty-six years?' when it became apparent that Hanssen was either unable or unwilling to answer Hannah turned to Roxanna.
'Why did you leave me? What the hell even happened?' she demanded and Roxanna stood up slowly and went to touch Hannah but she stepped back.
'The situation was complicated, I was already married to David.' she said and the memory of David spiked at Hannah's heart, all those years when he had treated her well during those dinner parties.
'Did David know?' she asked and Roxanna nodded.
'We thought about keeping you ourselves at first, but he didn't like the idea of you knowing you weren't his daughter. We all agreed that this was the best option, so that you could have the best chance.' she explained and Hannah felt hot tears rushing down her cheeks but she wasn't happy or upset, she was angry, it was pure rage.
'And you never thought I was old enough to be trusted with the truth, would you ever have told me?' she cried and tears came to Roxanna's eyes too.
'I'm sorry, I never wanted to give you up but what could I do?'
'I don't know, maybe not have had an affair in the first place?' Hannah lashed out and Roxanna fell silent again. Hannah leaned against the door and tried to collect herself, she took a deep breath before turning her attention back to her father.
'I'm going to go away for a few days, I need to clear my head and I can't be around you, either of you. I need you to take care of Danny though, I can't have him around me right now either.' she said, her voice had returned to that horrible quiet tone and Hanssen nodded, glad that she wasn't taking his grandchild away from him in the same way Sara had done in her anger and frustration.
Hannah paused for another moment before suddenly rushing from the room and slamming the door behind her. Roxanna sat down gently beside Henrik again and he did something completely unexpected, he reached out and grabbed her hand.
Hannah sought out Dom as quickly as possible, her first thought had been to go to John but she couldn't go to him with this, not yet, and she definitely couldn't make the same request of him.
Dom was at the nurses station when Hannah sat down quickly beside him, tears were still wet on her cheeks and Dom did a double take.
'Oh, my God, Hannah you can't be on the ward looking like that.' he said and grabbed her arm, pulling her into the empty theatre behind them. Hannah took some deep breaths as she leaned against the operating table.
'Alright, spill the tea.' Dom said, leaning beside her and crossing his arms.
'Can I come and stay with you, just for a few days?' she asked and Dom raised an eyebrow.
'Of course, mi casa est tu casa you know that, but I have to ask why?' he said and she took a deep breath.
'I just found out who my mother is,' she said and Dom made a sign for her to continue, she looked at him with wide eyes. 'It's Roxanna.'
'Holy sh...'
'I know, I know, it's insane.' Hannah interrupted Dom before he could curse.
'Actually, if you think about it, it makes a lot of sense.' Dom said and Hannah punched him, hard. 'Sorry, I guess that was in poor taste.'
'Look, I know that this must make things weird and I'm sorry for not acting like a grown-up... But isn't this what you've always wanted, to know who your mother is?' he asked and Hannah shrugged.
'I guess I just didn't expect her to be someone I've always know, it makes it feel like a betrayal, you know?' she said and gave Dom a watery smile, he considered her for a moment before pulling her to his chest and hugging her tightly.
'To be honest, I'm surprised you didn't go to your bestie John Gaskell...' he said and Hannah made a fist again but didn't strike. 'Come on, everyone knows you've got a huge crush on him.'
'Do you want me to hit you again?' she mumbled into his chest and he squeezed her hard again before holding her at arm’s length.
'How about I buy you a drink to say sorry?' He suggested and she smiled.
'Make it, like, ten.' She said and he put an arm around her and led her out of the theatre.
'Just like old times...'