Mind Made of Stone

Dan’s mind was out to get him, of that he was sure. He didn’t mean to be such a liability to Phil, but this was the third time in a month that Dan had bailed out on plans to have breakfast at some overpriced London café with a group of their friends.

There was always some sort of excuse made by Phil on Dan’s behalf, usually something along the lines of Dan having eaten something dodgy the evening before. Poor Phil was beginning to run out of excuses, and their friends were beginning to think that Dan was, to put it lightly, a hypochondriac.

But the reality was that Dan had depression, and he had days where he just didn’t see the point of getting out of the secure warmth of his bed. Despite taking medication to keep himself as functional as he could, sometimes the rain pushed the sun behind the darkest cloud, and Dan would surrender himself to skies of grey.

A soft knock at his bedroom door made Dan finally open his eyes. He exhaled, his fingers curling into the thin material of his bed sheet as he tried to bring himself back into reality. “Dan?” Phil’s cheerful voice was on the other side of the slab of wood.

Dan didn’t understand how Phil could be so fucking cheerful all the time. Sometimes, it was a breath of fresh air, and other times, it made Dan want to give Phil a swift punch to the throat to shut him up. He couldn’t quite decide which option was relevant to today’s feelings.

“What?” Dan finally called back, nearly wincing at the sound of his own voice. His voice was hoarse from exhaustion and he didn’t sound as enthusiastic as he usually did in his YouTube videos, or liveshows.

The door handle to his bedroom turned with Phil’s gentle touch, and with a small shove, Phil popped his head around the small space separating the door from the frame. “Louise said that she’ll rearrange for some other time, and she hopes you get better soon.”

“Thanks, Phil,” Dan replied meekly, turning over so his back was faced to his bedroom door. He didn’t want Phil to see the dark circles under his eyes. Pulling the blanket further up his torso, Dan’s gaze fixed upon the dull colour of his curtains, blocking out the sunshine that London rarely got.

Phil nodded, despite the gesture going unnoticed. “I’ll be in the gaming room if you need me.”

Dan felt a twinge of guilt somewhere within his chest. Phil sounded fed up for a brief moment, and Dan knew for certain that the blame rested partially on his shoulders. Dan’s fingers curled further into the material of his sheet, trying to release some of the anxiety he could feel bubbling within his chest. Clearing his throat to regain some strength to his voice, Dan blinked slowly, trying to keep his heart from fluttering out of his chest in panic. “Phil?”

Silently hoping Phil hadn’t already removed himself from the situation, Dan toyed with his lower lip between his teeth. “Yeah?” Dan felt a wave of relief wash over him as Phil’s soft voice responded from the doorway. Phil understood that during days like this, Dan needed to be approached with an open mind and heart, and Phil did his very best to do just that.

Phil had always been the best thing in Dan’s life, and Dan would openly admit that to anyone who listened. Dan felt, in the ocean of existential dread, loneliness and failure, Phil was there to toss him a lifesaver — and for that, Dan was forever in Phil’s debt, even if Phil didn’t quite know it.

Keeping his gaze firmly on the depth of black that were his curtains, Dan exhaled heavily. It was very rarely he let his walls down, even when he knew he was safe to do so. “Will you stay?”

“Stay?” Phil’s quizzical response made Dan want to simultaneously deliver that swift punch he’d been considering, and then instantly pull his blue eyed counterpart into his embrace. “Dan, you know I’m not going anywhere, ever.” Dan’s heart lifted with the sound of the smile in Phil’s voice, and even with that promise of solidarity, Dan couldn’t help a small part of his worry fall off his shoulders.

“I mean now, Phil.” Dan chuckled lowly, such a foreign sound to his ears. “Will you stay? You don’t have to say anything, just,” Dan paused. He wasn’t sure of what he was asking of Phil himself, but Phil was a smart man, Dan knew he’d understand.

“Course,” Phil confirmed, and Dan noticed, nearly instantly, how Phil’s presence, his mere existence, could light up even the darkest of spaces. As the mattress beside him sunk with Phil’s weight, Dan shifted towards the edge to give Phil room to make himself comfortable.

Sharing a bed with Phil wasn’t a rare occurrence. In fact, it brought Dan a lot of reassurance that in the disorder, Phil was the sound mind, waiting patiently for Dan to open the door and let him in. The two had shared beds before, under different circumstances. Whether it was a sleepover with other friends or during the nights Dan’s mind was plagued with nightmares, Phil was always there.

But this time? This time felt much different than the times before. And Dan couldn’t put his finger on why.

Feeling Phil move beside him, Dan reached behind him to lift the blanket, a quiet invitation for Phil to make himself comfortable. Complying with Dan’s wish, Phil shifted closer, gratefully accepting the edge of the duvet as he pulled some of the comforter over himself, appreciating the sudden rush of warmth that had accumulated from Dan’s body heat.

Dan allowed himself a moment to adjust, and despite his heavy heart, and tears left unshed, and the frightening paranoia that Dan wasn’t living his life to its fullest, Phil was there. And in that moment, that’s all that mattered.

“Thanks, Phil.” Dan murmured, his exhaustion at fighting his own thoughts constantly getting the better of him. It wasn’t a fight Phil was familiar with, but he knew it was a fight that was incredibly real, and this pushed his decision to remain silent even further. “You’re the best.” Dan stifled a yawn into his pillow, and within minutes, Dan had drifted off into a world that was entirely his own.

Within the stillness of that moment, Phil couldn’t resist — doing his best not to disturb the younger of the two, Phil moved himself closer to Dan, leaving just a few inches of space between Phil’s chest and Dan’s back.

Counting the freckles scattered across Dan’s shoulders, like constellations, Phil decided there he much preferred this method to counting sheep, and as he felt his own sleepy haze take over his mind, body, and soul, Phil Lester thanked his lucky stars that the universe had brought Daniel Howell to him.