My 705th Life
1
Im standing at the busstation waiting for the bus to arrive. A warm sunny day. Breeze is cooling me.
The azure blue cloudless sky above me. Such calm and peace and beauty of a day.
But inside of me. An endless of rain and darkness... sadness and hopelessness. Time after time I feel like I’m on the edge to give up. And fall into the abyss, down, down to the very bottom of it.
With no one to grab my hand, need no one to catch me from the fall. I’m giving up like this. All alone. As the way it should be.
The buss arrive. getting into it, empty inside. I take my seat. Listening to the music. My favorite band and the familiar tunes of the songs I always listen to. It is a small comfort...
I am arriving at the station, getting out of the buss. To find the hairdresser my friend is at. I have arranged a meeting with her today.
She is not in her best mood. It will be a first test for me, how I keep my cool. To stay positive and friendly, warm and understanding. As a person I wish to be. But also something very difficult to do in this moment of life.
I have a gift to her with me. It is a diary, I know she likes those. I wanted it to be something motivating for her. That she keeps herself in good health and a decent mood to keep living, keep fighting and staying strong.
This is a step for me. I want to be better...
Despite the raging storm in my heart, sadness and pain...
I don’t want to give up yet. I am tired. But I don’t want to disappoint myself. I don’t want to let myself being beaten just yet. There are still reasons for me to keep trying...
These problems in life that hurts me... the things and people hurting my heart. I am not done just yet. And I will tell more about it eventually. What it is all about.
Right now I am sitting and waiting for my friend to finish her haircut. She is getting her hair rather short. A little shorter than mine. Her black hair reaching just reaching her neck. A clean and simple style. Like the way of life we wish to have. A simple life.
I see her face in the mirror. She does not notice me looking at her. Her eyes gaze at her sides, waiting for the hairdresser to finish. She is not smiling. Just an emotioness look while sitting there on the chair. I wonder what she is thinking about.
It had been 15 minutes. I don’t like to wait. I have never liked to wait, but lately, I have been waiting a lot. Sometimes it feels like my life is full of me waiting for something.
As the lyrics go in the song I love. ”I’ve been waiting, I’ve been living for tomorrows”
Yea, that is what I feel I am always doing. Waiting for a time, searching for something. Waiting for my time in the darkness, in the shadows.
The song I find closest to my heart, is that song I have been stuck listening to since I was 14. I am now 26 years old.
But it is that song which has been describing me to the exact.
My friend is getting her hair blow dried right now. The noise from the dryer is all one can hear. She is getting done soon. And I will be able to hand her the gift I have with me.
And yes, probably also giving her a hug. And we will probably go for a walk and then have something to eat.
I am writing this on my phone. No text messages from him.
I don’t know if I should be expecting any. It pains me to think about it... so I release the thoughts of him for now. I need to get a grip of myself...
The azure blue cloudless sky above me. Such calm and peace and beauty of a day.
But inside of me. An endless of rain and darkness... sadness and hopelessness. Time after time I feel like I’m on the edge to give up. And fall into the abyss, down, down to the very bottom of it.
With no one to grab my hand, need no one to catch me from the fall. I’m giving up like this. All alone. As the way it should be.
The buss arrive. getting into it, empty inside. I take my seat. Listening to the music. My favorite band and the familiar tunes of the songs I always listen to. It is a small comfort...
I am arriving at the station, getting out of the buss. To find the hairdresser my friend is at. I have arranged a meeting with her today.
She is not in her best mood. It will be a first test for me, how I keep my cool. To stay positive and friendly, warm and understanding. As a person I wish to be. But also something very difficult to do in this moment of life.
I have a gift to her with me. It is a diary, I know she likes those. I wanted it to be something motivating for her. That she keeps herself in good health and a decent mood to keep living, keep fighting and staying strong.
This is a step for me. I want to be better...
Despite the raging storm in my heart, sadness and pain...
I don’t want to give up yet. I am tired. But I don’t want to disappoint myself. I don’t want to let myself being beaten just yet. There are still reasons for me to keep trying...
These problems in life that hurts me... the things and people hurting my heart. I am not done just yet. And I will tell more about it eventually. What it is all about.
Right now I am sitting and waiting for my friend to finish her haircut. She is getting her hair rather short. A little shorter than mine. Her black hair reaching just reaching her neck. A clean and simple style. Like the way of life we wish to have. A simple life.
I see her face in the mirror. She does not notice me looking at her. Her eyes gaze at her sides, waiting for the hairdresser to finish. She is not smiling. Just an emotioness look while sitting there on the chair. I wonder what she is thinking about.
It had been 15 minutes. I don’t like to wait. I have never liked to wait, but lately, I have been waiting a lot. Sometimes it feels like my life is full of me waiting for something.
As the lyrics go in the song I love. ”I’ve been waiting, I’ve been living for tomorrows”
Yea, that is what I feel I am always doing. Waiting for a time, searching for something. Waiting for my time in the darkness, in the shadows.
The song I find closest to my heart, is that song I have been stuck listening to since I was 14. I am now 26 years old.
But it is that song which has been describing me to the exact.
My friend is getting her hair blow dried right now. The noise from the dryer is all one can hear. She is getting done soon. And I will be able to hand her the gift I have with me.
And yes, probably also giving her a hug. And we will probably go for a walk and then have something to eat.
I am writing this on my phone. No text messages from him.
I don’t know if I should be expecting any. It pains me to think about it... so I release the thoughts of him for now. I need to get a grip of myself...