You Were Mine

Alex can’t take it anymore.

It’s twelve-ish on a Wednesday morning, and he’s throwing yellowing, framed photos into a frayed cardboard box. His chest feels like it’s bursting, but he can’t look at these pictures anymore. It’s absolutely killing him.

Throwing them, of course, is a bad idea. For one, it’s breaking the frames and therefore spreading broken glass into the bottom of the box. But secondly, and more importantly, Sophia and Lucas are asleep, and Sophia has pre-school tomorrow. If he wakes either of them up, the other one is bound to wake up, as well. And once they’re awake, they’re definitely not going back to sleep. He has to work tomorrow, too, but he’s long past sleeping.

He kneels down beside the box and swallows hard, tears in his eyes. Carefully, he picks up a frame, doing his best to avoid the shards of glass. He can’t get rid of this photo, as much as he wants to. Alex and Jack are in their matching black suits and beaming smiles. In some, he has cake on his face, and Jack does, too. In others, he’s crying joyfully with his mother and Cassadee. He remembers this day so fondly, or at least, he had. Now, it’s just a handful of good memories that have been tainted by the last year.

Alex sighs deeply and then schlepps the box of broken glass to the kitchen, shoves it violently into the bottom of the trash can. He still has the photos in his hands, though, his previous goal of spring cleaning completely forgotten. He holds them close to his chest and pads back to his bedroom, the bedroom that he’d shared with Jack. He gingerly sits them on his bedside table right beside the book that he’s currently reading: Un-Married. What a stupid fucking title, and a stupid fucking book.

Because the truth is, Alex thinks as he turns onto his side, unmarried isn’t some clever term that some white divorced lady with botox just made up. It’s always meant single; not married. Adding a hyphen doesn’t just make some creative, groundbreaking new phrase for saps that have been traded in for someone thinner and younger.

And female.

Alex lies flat on his back and just stares at the ceiling. The lights are off and he has blackout curtains so he’s not really staring at anything, actually. He didn’t bother to learn the book’s author’s name, but he does know that she suggests reflection at the end of the day.

What did you improve on? What could you have done better? What are your goals for tomorrow?

He didn’t cry when he woke up and felt the chilly, bare sheet beside him. He supposes that’s an improvement. He did, however, cry when Lucas demanded Daddy when he fell and skinned his knee.

“Dad’s here,” he’d said, trying not to get too choked up. But Lucas wasn’t having it; he screamed and cried and wouldn’t let Alex bandage him up. In fact, he’d balled his hands into tiny fists and beat on Alex’s back and shoulder.

“Stop it, Bubba!” Sophia had yelled, smiling sympathetically at Alex. “Dad’s only twying to help!”

She’s only four, but she can tell that things just aren’t right. As if Jack being gone isn’t a howling indicator.

“Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!” Lucas cried, completely ignoring his sister.

Yeah, Alex thought to himself, no longer fighting back the tears. Cry for the one that left you.

But that’s something he can improve on. Fight back the tears, don’t let the kids see. Sure, Lucas had hurt his feelings and even angered him a little. But he’s barely two, Alex can’t blame him. Besides, he missed Jack, too. In fact, missed is a hyperbole.

But, goals. His goals for tomorrow are just to make it through the entire day without crying. He’s a man, damn it. An adult man. He can handle it. He’s not a wuss, for God’s sake.

The nameless author says that crying is normal. In fact, it’s a good thing. It’s one of the human body’s natural processes when dealing with grief and other emotions. It’s a good thing, but it makes Alex feel sick. His eyes burn, his stomach hurts, his chest feels heavy, his head pounds, his nose runs. He can’t imagine how it’s a good thing. But maybe that’s what the next chapter discusses. He was supposed to read another one tonight, but traded it in for broken glass and fading photos.

They’re not all that old, Alex supposes. They’ve only been married for six years, after all. But that didn’t stop the pictures from yellowing and furrowing at the edges. It wasn’t like they could afford wonderful quality frames at the time. He could probably afford more back then than he can now, though. An artist’s salary isn’t all that much, even when he works for an art shop, doing whatever is needed. That includes cleaning, running the cash register, stocking shelves. He also paints things for the shop to sell. Sometimes he gets booked to paint caricatures or portraits, or just something personal. He actually gets paid decently, but that money means nothing when he has two children. Paycheck to paycheck is an expression that he knows all too well now.

It’s nearly one in the morning now, though, and Alex knows better than to lament over his financial situation as he's trying to fall asleep. Instead, he visualizes what he’ll paint tomorrow, if given the chance: a violet sunrise, a dark blue ocean, a child laughing. Maybe a pair of dark brown eyes and a big nose, too. He’ll pair that with a tall and lanky body and dark black hair. Maybe he’ll paint the figure naked with a tattooed chest and shoulder, and a neck full of freckles. A shiny mouthful of white teeth fixed by years of braces, calloused fingers from years of playing Green Day on a battered acoustic guitar.

And maybe while he’s at it, he’ll paint a broken and bloodied heart, too.

*

Sunflowers are pretty, but they’re certainly not Alex’s favorite flower. He loves roses the most, but it’s sunflowers that he’s painting today. He’s using different strokes of yellow and orange to create a garden of the blooms, with a sunset overlooking them. The manager is gone today, and his only other coworker for the day is in the back of the store, so Alex is alone up front. It’s been a slow day, but Alex doesn’t mind. He’s just been painting this sunflower scene for a customer that had called it in this morning.

His morning hadn’t been a good one, but since Jack left, that’s been pretty normal. The kids just aren’t the same and neither is he, but he can’t let them know that. Lucas had been showing his grief by acting out and begging for his daddy. Sophia, on the other hand, was clearly bottling her feelings up, but she’d also been incredibly clingy to Alex. She was such a well-behaved kid, but this morning, getting her to pre-school had been a nightmare.

Lucas kept yanking his shoes off and throwing them as Alex tried to buckle him into his carseat.

“Be still!” Alex kept exclaiming, but it was no use. Finally, he just let Lucas keep his shoes off, out of fear of being late for work.

Alex could see Sophia’s lower lip trembling as he buckled her in, and while he didn’t have time, he still asked her what was wrong.

“N-nothing,” she’d said, and then she’d taken to playing with one of her dolls. Alex didn’t have time to push her, so he just drove her to school. He drove up to the drop off, and when an attendant had opened the door to get her out of her car seat, she’d started shaking. Alex could see her little shoulders trembling in the rearview mirror, and he knew that something was wrong. She started panting and tears began to cascade down her chubby cheeks.

“She’ll be all right,” the attendant told Alex with a smile. But Alex was definitely not convinced. Sophia loved school and never protested going. She certainly never shook and cried. Alex wanted to take her home, coddle her, watch movies with her, and make her favorite cookies. And yet, he knew that that was quite possibly the worst thing that he could do. He couldn’t baby her forever.

Alex bit his lip and looked in the rearview mirror again. Sophia was still shaking, still crying, but barely making any noise. “I don’t know…,” he said finally, trailing off.

“Trust me,” said the attendant. “It’s just a little separation anxiety. We all get like this sometimes.” She gave Alex a wink. “If she doesn’t calm down, then we’ll call you. But Sophia’s a very good, sweet little girl. I know that she’ll be fine.”

Alex finally forced a smile and nodded. “Okay, right. Dad loves you, sweetheart.” He watched with a broken heart while the attendant unbuckled his eldest baby, as she cried and then began to scream for Alex. Lucas began crying as his sister screamed, and Alex had wanted to scream, too.

He fought back tears as he drove Lucas to daycare. His son didn’t cry for very long, but soon angry grunts replaced the tears. Lucas didn’t like daycare very much, but he normally didn’t throw tantrums about it. Today, however, was not Alex’s lucky day, and Lucas knew very well where his father was taking him. He’d yelled and banged his fists against his carseat, and kicked the seat in front of him.

“No go!” he’d exclaimed. Alex could see him glaring at him through the rearview mirror.

Alex felt like crying some more. “Buddy, I know. I don’t want to go to work, either, but we have to do things that we don’t want to do sometimes.”

“No go!” Lucas just kept yelling. “Want Daddy!”

And there the waterworks came. It wasn’t even eight o’clock yet and Alex was already heartbroken and exhausted. He had the urge to just drive to Jack’s parents’ house and drop Lucas off. But he didn’t. He took a deep breath, blinked profusely, and began to tune his son out, finishing the drive to the daycare.

When they arrived, Alex got out of the car and then unbuckled Lucas. Despite his son’s yelling and kicking, he picked him up and carried him into the daycare. The worker that took Lucas from him had given Alex a sympathetic smile, but it hadn’t made him feel any better. She has no idea about all of the things that have been plaguing him recently. He’s hurting so bad, but he can’t do anything about it.

His kids come first.

*

A customer finally comes in at about 2:30. Alex has his back to the door, still painting sunflowers, but he hears the chimes. He spins around on his wheeled stool and is greeted by a tall, blonde with Dolce & Gabbana sunglasses perched on her nose.

“So this is an art store, huh?” she asks, hidden eyes scanning the surroundings.

“Yeah,” Alex replies, unsure of what she wants from him. It’s an art store. He sells art supplies and well, art. “Can I help you with something?”

The girl steps closer to the counter, pulling her sunglasses off of her nose. Her eyes are blue. She shakes her hair out and that’s when Alex realizes that it’s her.

Her name is Courtney. She’s tall and blonde and female and successful and beautiful — all of the things that Alex is not. And she has his husband now. It feels like a punch to his gut and it takes his breath away. He wonders if she recognizes him. She doesn’t look like it. But what if she’s just pretending to not know him? What if she’s just here to torment him? Alex has no idea if she’s ever even seen him. Surely she’s at least seen photos of himself and the kids. But considering Jack hasn’t seen him or the kids since he left, Alex surmises that it’s possible that she has absolutely no idea who he is. Or even that she’s sleeping with his husband.

Alex is wordless for a few moments, but that doesn’t really matter because Courtney soon starts speaking. “Hey so…I heard that you sell art here? Like handmade stuff?”

He thinks that should be fairly obvious, but maybe it’s because he works there and knows all about the store. Or maybe she’s just completely stupid and it is fairly obvious. He hopes it’s the latter, but he knows that it’s the former. “That’s right,” he says with a nod, blood pounding in his ears. “Are you, um…,” he clears his throat, “looking for something in particular?”

Courtney’s blue eyes travel around the room. “Not exactly. My friend just bought a house and she’s having a housewarming party next weekend. I’m looking for something that will fit in with her decor. She’s not the richest so she really doesn’t have the money to decorate her house. I wanna help.” She gives Alex a warm smile and he’s immediately confused. She seems really nice, and not at all as if she’s trying to shame him. She could just be a good actress or really fake, but Alex just isn’t picking up on that.

“So are you wanting a painting? A drawing? A sculpture of some sort?” Alex asks, his hands shaking a little. His eyes are darting all around the room and he’s breathless. As kind as Courtney seems to be, she’s still the woman that Jack left him for, and he can’t seem to shake the dejectedness that walked in with her.

“A painting,” Courtney says with a nod. She doesn’t seem to notice how jittery Alex is and he’s grateful. She’s just looking thoughtfully around the store at the different works and supplies. “Maybe a beach scene if you have one? Kind of large. I want her to be able to hang it over her sofa. It’s like an off-white, sandy color, if you get my drift.”

Alex nods, biting his lip. They don't have a beach scene big enough to fit over a sofa, so he’ll have to paint one. He’s done hundreds of them, so it won’t take him very long, but contingent upon the dimensions of the painting, it could be pretty pricey. Alex tells her as much, and then Courtney asks for a quote. She doesn’t flinch when Alex delivers it to her, and she nods, immediately taking out a silver Visa. “Sounds perfect. Can I pick it up next Friday?”

In order to finish it in time, Alex will have to work around the clock, but he knows that this is a good opportunity for the store so he’ll do it. “Of course,” he replies with a forced smile and a nod.

Courtney smiles back, but her smile doesn’t seem fake. She hands Alex her credit card and he promptly swipes it and rings it up. He takes a few notes about a time for pickup and some details for the piece, and then Courtney is happily on her way.

Alex waits until Courtney’s hand is on the doorknob, and then he clears his throat. “Courtney,” he says a bit hoarsely.

She turns around with a small smile and a furrowed brow. “Yes?” she asks, clearly confused. It doesn’t make a lot of sense for Alex to call her back and he knows that. But he has to.

“Tell Jack that his kids miss him.”

*

Considering the fact that Alex’s day was fairly traumatic, he really didn’t feel like cooking that night. And while he tended to stray away from fast food once his children were born, he’d hunkered down today and purchased an eight piece dinner from KFC on the way home. He was more thankful than normal for the kids’ babysitter, Charlotte. She picked the kids up from preschool and daycare respectively since Alex usually worked past five or so. He almost always closed up the shop and that was a lot of work, often keeping him past five o’clock. People didn’t seem to understand that coming in at 4:50 was incredibly inconveniencing.

Charlotte had helped Sophia with her after school homework and had ensured that Lucas’s toys were put away before Alex got home. He wished that he could afford to pay her more, but on a starving artist-slash-store-clerk salary, he couldn’t afford much. She understood that, though, and she adored his children, despite Sophia’s recent panic attacks and Lucas’s temper tantrums.

“Rough day?” she whispers to Alex as he sits the bucket of chicken down on the kitchen table.

Alex gives the blonde a small smile and then shrugs, taking out his wallet. “No more so than usual. Here,” he says, handing her a ten and a twenty, which was more than usual.

Charlotte raises an eyebrow, but Alex can tell that she is pleased. “Oh, Mr. Barakat, it’s fine. This is too much.”

Alex shakes his head, forcing a smile, and handing her the money, anyway. “I insist.” It was difficult being referred to by his husband’s last name, but he wasn’t going to change it. Not when it was the name that he shared with his kids. And besides, Alex hadn’t given up hope that Jack would come home yet.

Charlotte grins and stuffs the bills into the pocket of her jeans. “Thank you so much! Same time tomorrow?”

With a nod, Alex begins to walk her to the door. “Have a good night,” he tells her, watching as she climbs into her white Prius and drives off.

Suppressing a yawn, Alex takes out the food and begins to plate it up. They’re using styrofoam tonight as they often do when Alex is tired. Except tonight, he’s exhausted and so damn thankful for takeout.

Alex pours two sippy cups full of juice and then he calls his son and daughter to the table. They’d been watching Nickelodeon in the living room, and Alex knows that they’re going to want to eat in front of the TV. He doesn’t like it, but he’s not going to argue tonight. He doesn’t want to fight.

Sophia trails into the kitchen with Lucas behind her and Alex smiles. They made everything totally worth it.

“Dad!” Sophia exclaims, running to him and immediately wrapping her arms around his neck.

Alex smiles widely and hugs her tightly, kissing the top of her hair. “Hi, angel,” he whispers. “Did you have a good time at school?”

“Uh-huh!” Sophia says as Alex puts her down. “We talked about shapes!”

Alex smiles as Lucas toddles over to him and hugs his leg. He scoops his son into his arms and kisses his cheek. Lucas giggles and hugs Alex back. “Dinner?” he asks, looking around Alex at the table.

Alex chuckles and nods. “I got chicken!”

The kids excitedly settle around their chairs and then Alex helps them into them. As they
begin to dig into their chicken and mashed potatoes and mac and cheese, Alex pours himself a tall glass of red wine. He completely understands that it’s definitely white-trashy to have wine with fried fucking chicken, but he needs his wine tonight, even if he has to drink it around the kids. It’s not as if he’s getting drunk. It’s just one glass, he repeats in his head to reassure himself.

Despite Alex’s utterly shitty day, he’s finally enjoying his time with his kids. They’re discussing the cartoon that they'd been watching and aren’t begging to go watch it, Sophia is talking way more than usual, and Lucas is being obedient and eating his dinner. Alex is so relieved that he could cry.

They’re almost finished with dinner when the doorbell rings. It’s nearly seven o’clock, so Alex can’t imagine who’s coming to visit. He kind of assumes it’s just someone that’s gotten lost in the neighborhood or maybe a neighbor coming to borrow something. The last person that he’s expecting to see when he opens the door is Jack. But it is him.

Alex feels similarly to how he did earlier in the day when Courtney showed up at work. Except now, Jack is here. His husband. The love of his life. The man that left him and their children. He’s standing at his front door, of the house that they’d shared. Where they’d promised one another that they’d raise their family. Where they’d grow old together. All of that had changed when Jack had met Courtney. He’s dressed as if he’s just come from work, in black slacks, a matching blazer, a white button up, a red tie, and black loafers. He doesn’t look happy, either.

“Jack?” Alex whispers dumbly, his heart pounding and his hands shaking. He hasn’t seen Jack in months and he can hardly breathe. “Wh-what are you-”

Jack doesn’t give Alex an opportunity to finish. “What am I doing here?” he asks sarcastically. He steps into the house without permission, sideswiping Alex, and crosses his arms. “I’m here to see my kids.”

Alex is speechless, and he can practically envision his jaw on the floor. “Are you kidding me? You’ve been gone for five months, without so much as a fucking text message, and just like that, you're here to see your kids?” With each word that he speaks, Alex’s voice is rising a few decibels. The kids are in the kitchen, which isn’t too far away, but that couldn't be farther from Alex’s mind.

“I’m here now,” Jack says, looking away. Alex immediately notes the shame in Jack’s eyes, but that doesn’t make Alex any less angry.

“I’m so glad!” Alex exclaims, blinking away angry tears. “Have a seat, I’ll fill you in on all that you've missed. We’re having KFC, want some?”

Jack’s face wrinkles in…something. Alex isn’t sure if he’s pissed off, disgusted, sad, or guilty. “Really, Alex? You're feeding our toddlers fast food?”

Alex just about explodes. “Shut the fuck up, Jack! You don’t get to say that. Not now, when you left us. All three of us, and you didn’t say where! You didn’t ever contact us, and you left me t-to raise the kids by myself.” Alex’s voice starts to quaver. “And now, they’ve only got me,” he says swallowing hard. “And…you didn’t even say goodbye!” With that, Alex breaks down into full-blown sobs. His legs are wobbly and he can barely stand, so he leans a hand onto the wall, trying to steady himself. He feels pathetic and ridiculous. He’s a grown ass man and he should be angry at Jack, not completely broken.

But he is. Tears are streaming down his face and his shoulders are shaking. His vision is blurry and he can barely see Jack through his tears.

“Alex,” Jack whispers, and Alex barely hears him, but he looks up, his teary eyes locking with Jack’s. They’ve always been dark, dark brown, but today they look black, which only really occurs when Jack is really angry or really horny. “We’re not going to get anywhere by screaming at each other.”

Alex doesn’t know if what he said even registered in Jack’s mind. He’s about to ask him, but he and Jack both are cut off by a loud, high-pitched voice.

“Daddy!” Lucas cries, running into the room. Alex isn’t surprised, seeing as though Lucas has been begging for him since the moment Jack left. What he is surprised by, however, is that there is fear evident on his face and tears running down his face.

Jack immediately scoops Lucas into his arms and hugs him tightly. If the circumstances were different, Alex probably would have loved the scene in front of him. But there is truly too much going on for Alex to enjoy a sweet moment with his family, especially when it is so broken. Lucas is snuggling into Jack and rubbing his eyes, and Alex wishes that he could comfort their son the way that Jack can.

“What’s the matter, bud?” Jack whispers softly to Lucas as Alex profusely wipes at his eyes. He doesn’t want Lucas to see him crying. He knows that it will just upset him even more.

“Sissy,” Lucas says quietly, looking toward the kitchen.

It’s at that moment that Alex realizes that Sophia hasn’t made a peep since Jack arrived. She’s a shy and quiet child, but it doesn’t make sense for her to have heard Jack and not come to see him. Alex’s eyes widen as he realizes what is probably happening. He turns away from Jack and Lucas and he dashes into the kitchen. Instantly, he sees his daughter on the floor, tears streaming down her face. Her body is shaking and she’s panting, eyes wide and wild.

“Sophia!” Alex exclaims, running to his daughter’s side and sitting down beside her. He pulls her into his arms and holds her as closely and tightly as possible. He gently rocks her and kisses her hair before whispering, “it’s okay, angel. I’m here. Dad’s here. You’re okay. Just breathe. In and out. Deep breaths.”

Sophia keeps panting and crying, burying her face in Alex’s neck. He can feel her heart pounding alarmingly fast against his shoulder. “It was…loud,” she gasps. “So loud. Daddy…made you sad.”

Alex sighs deeply, running his fingers through Sophia’s dark curls. “Baby, it’s okay. You don’t have to talk. I know that we were loud and scared you. I’m so sorry. But you just breathe, okay? Don’t worry about me. Dad is just fine, and so is Daddy.”

As he finishes speaking, Alex feels Sophia take a deep breath and he can feel her relaxing. He glances up and he sees Jack staring down at them, Lucas in his arms. He’s so overwhelmed, and Jack’s presence is just making it worse. He’s shocked and even a bit thankful, however, when Jack sits down beside him in the kitchen floor that hasn’t been swept in a couple days.

Alex bites his lip as Jack reaches over, gently stroking Sophia’s back. “Daddy’s here, too,” Jack whispers. “I’m sorry that I upset you. And I’m sorry that I made your Dad cry.”

It’s the closest thing that Alex has gotten to an apology ever since Jack left, and for whatever reason, it starts up the waterworks again. He sniffles valiantly, though, because Sophia really doesn’t need to see him crying anymore. Still, it hurts that Jack can’t even apologize to him directly. Everything hurts.

“S’okay, Sissy,” Lucas says, reaching his arms out to hug Sophia. Alex smiles softly, surprised that Lucas has taken his attention away from Jack. Ever since he’d arrived, Lucas had been glued to his side. But Lucas loves his big sister, and Sophia has been trying desperately to help Alex ever since Jack left, especially with attempts to calm Lucas from his constant paroxysms. Alex has really appreciated it, but he also completely understands that she shouldn’t have to do that. It’s Alex’s job, and it’s Jack’s job, and neither of them have done a good job at it. Most importantly, it’s taken an extremely emotional toll on their daughter and she’s only four years old. Much too young to have full-blown panic attacks.

As Sophia begins to calm down, she turns around so that she can see Jack and Lucas. She rubs her eyes and then yawns, resting her head against Alex’s shoulder. “Hi, Daddy,” she says, looking up at Jack.

“Hi, beautiful,” Jack whispers, giving her a smile. “Are you okay? You gave us quite a scare.”

Sophia looks away, reaching for Alex’s hand. He can tell that she is still reserved when it comes to Jack, and he can’t say that he blames her. “I don’t like when you yell,” she says softly. “And I don’t like it when Dad cries.”

Alex can feel his cheeks reddening, mostly out of shame. He hates that Jack has that kind of power over him, despite everything, and he really hates that his inability to keep his emotions in check upsets Sophia so much. “It’s okay now,” he whispers. Then he sighs. “Daddy came to see you and Lucas. Do you want to go play with him while I clean up dinner?” He gives her a reassuring smile and plants a kiss on the top of her head. The biggest part of him wants to tell Jack to get the fuck out of his house, but the kids really have missed him, and he is their father. He has a right to see them, even if he did leave. And besides, Alex isn’t ready to fully accept that Jack’s going to be completely gone from their lives. He knows that there’s still a lot for the two of them to talk about, but it can wait until after their babies are asleep. Nothing is worth a repeat of what just happened.

Sophia thinks over Alex’s question for a long moment, and he can see from the way that her face scrunches up that she’s weighing the pros and cons. She’s only four, but she’s already so caring and smart. Alex couldn’t be more proud of her. “Okay,” she finally says, turning around to give Alex a hug. “But you’ll come if I yell?” she asks quietly in his ear.

Alex smiles. “Of course, baby girl. You just say the word,” he says back.

Sophia stands up and then waits for Jack to stand up with Lucas. Alex gets up, too, and watches as Lucas leads the other two into his bedroom. Jack doesn’t look back at Alex and he’s relieved. He really needs a few moments to himself. He’s already emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausted — and it’s only been a few minutes.

It doesn’t take long to clean up, because they’d used virtually all paper products. Everything else goes straight into the dishwasher, and then he does manage to sweep the floor. He decides that he’ll mop later, and then he collapses in a kitchen chair, taking a breath and finishing the rest of his glass of wine. He tries to relax, but he just can’t. Maybe Sophia had calmed down, but Jack was still in his house and he had no idea how he was going to speak to him without blowing up again. He doubts that Jack would leave without talking to him first, but he’s also done it before.

With a long sigh, Alex gets to his feet and then carefully places his empty wineglass into the dishwasher. He throws in a tab and then starts it before he stretches, a couple joints popping, and then he treks down the hallway to Lucas’s room. He’s surprised to see that both of his and Jack’s children are both in their pajamas and they’re sitting on Lucas’s bed. Jack is sitting in between them and there’s a large picture book in his hands. He’s reading to them and Alex feels a pang in his chest. This is so familiar and yet, it almost feels as if it isn’t. While Jack had read to the kids fairly often when he’d lived here, Alex had been the main reader in the house.

Lucas is the first to notice Alex standing in the doorway. His face lights up and Alex nearly cries. His son hasn’t been happy to see him since Jack left. “Dad!” he exclaims, and Alex smiles, really smiles.

“Hey, guys,” Alex whispers, stepping into the room as Jack and Sophia look up.

“Dad!” Sophia says, beaming. “Daddy read us Goodnight Moon, and we brushed our teeth, and we put on our jammies.”

Jack smiles and nods. “Sophia insisted. She said you had a long day at work.”

Alex grins and steps over to his family, sitting on the edge of the bed. “Did you? Good job.” He leans over and gives both of the kids kisses to their foreheads, ignoring Jack. “It’s probably bedtime now, don’t you think?”

Lucas immediately pouts as Sophia climbs into Alex’s lap. “I wanna stay up with Daddy,” Lucas says, snuggling into Jack. But right after he does so, his eyes close and he yawns. Alex smiles softly and then props Sophia onto his hip.

“Your turn, Princess,” Alex tells his daughter, before taking her into her room. He doesn’t look at Jack as he does so. Things are much calmer now, but he’s still absolutely furious at his husband.

Sophia wraps her arms around Alex and snuggles into him, and he grins. She’s usually very cuddly, but she’s been especially clingy to him lately. All of his parenting books say not to give in to the clinginess, but it’s really hard for Alex not to. Lucas is behaving better tonight, but he’s been very disconnected to his son since Jack left. And Jack…well, Alex isn’t even sure where to begin with him.

Alex gently sets Sophia down in her pink bed and then tucks her in, pulling the comforter to her chin. He leans down to kiss her cheek and brush a few strands of hair out of her face. “Goodnight, Angel,” he whispers as she smiles up at him. “I love you.”

“Night, Dad,” she says with a yawn. “Love you, too.”

Alex looks up and notices Jack standing a bit awkwardly in the doorway. He motions toward himself and Sophia with his hand and a look of surprise washes over Jack’s face. He may be angry at his husband — furious even — but that doesn’t mean that he's going to make the kids suffer for it.

Jack comes over and gently strokes Sophia’s long dark hair — Jack’s color — and then he kisses her forehead. “Goodnight, Sweetie. Daddy loves you.”

Sophia is almost asleep, but she still mutters, “night, Daddy. Love you, too.” She’s asleep before Alex turns out the light.

Alex steps out into the hallway and then traipses to the kitchen. He can hear Jack behind him, but he doesn’t acknowledge him, nor does he slow down.

“Are you just gonna ignore me?” Jack asks, as Alex switches on the light above the sink.

Alex swallows, making an effort to stare at a painting of a couple cows grazing. He’d painted it when they’d moved into the house. His art was all over the house because Jack claimed to love his work. “Do you want coffee?” he asks hoarsely.

“Oh. Yeah. Thanks,” Jack replies, and Alex can hear the stupefaction in his voice.

Alex turns on the coffee pot and adds in a couple scoops of dark roast. As it percolates, he takes out a couple mugs: a white keepsake from a trip to Nashville, and a black one with ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ printed on it. It was a gift to Jack from the year Sophia was born, but he wouldn’t be using it tonight. Alex would.

“Milk and sugar?” Alex asks, his back still to his husband.

“Just black is fine,” Jack says softly. “I’m uh, trying to watch the sugar.”

Alex rolls his eyes. Courtney is skinny and fit, so he’d place bets that this newfound health mindset is her doing. He’ll throw a mug at Jack if he asks for decaf.

Once the pot of coffee is brewed, he pours them both a cup. He fulfills Jack’s request for black, but he pours plenty of milk and sugar in his. He doesn’t sleep well anyway. Finally, he turns around to hand Jack his, and their fingers brush. Alex almost drops the mug.

“Let’s go to the living room,” Alex says softly, his tired eyes turning away from Jack. Looking at him makes him want to cry.

Again, he leads the way, holding his coffee in both of his hands. They’re shaking already and he’s terrified that he’s going to drop it. He imagines the mug falling to the ground, shattering at his feet. He can see broken clay, sharp edges digging into the carpet. There would be creamy brown liquid all over the floor, seeping into the carpet and staining it forever. That would just be even more to clean up, and Alex can’t handle that. So, he grasps his cup with both hands and settles down on the sofa. He takes a sip of the hot coffee and then sets it down on an end table. Jack sits down beside Alex and he grips his cup, staring down at him. Neither of them want to speak first.

“Why are you here?” Alex asks softly, staring down at his feet. He can’t look at Jack. He just can’t. He hears a snort.

“I told you when I got here. I’m here to see my kids.”

Alex feels his lower lip start to tremble, so he bites it and takes a deep breath. “You saw them. You’re still here. Why is that?”

“We needed to talk,” Jack says simply.

And Alex can’t believe how calm he is. He finally looks up at Jack, raising an eyebrow
and fighting back tears. “You think?” he chokes, and then he chuckles, shaking his head. “Jack, honestly. What in God’s name is wrong with you?”

“I don’t know what you mean,” Jack says, looking down. Alex can tell that Jack knows exactly what he means, though.

Alex shakes his head. “Why are you making me spell this out for you, Jack?” His lower lip is trembling again. “It was hard enough to go through the first time.”

Jack sighs, and if Alex didn’t know better, he’d say that it was out of exasperation. “Okay, I know. I get it-”

“No, you don’t get it!” Alex exclaims, hopping to his feet. His hands are shaking with rage and his voice is wavering. “Six years ago, you asked me to marry you, remember? You did that. No one made you. And I married you, because you promised me in your proposal that you’d love me forever, no matter what happened.” He takes a deep breath, his voice dangerously close to breaking. “And because of that, I had your children. Two of them, Jack. I did that for you, for us, so that we could have a family, because that’s what you always said that you wanted.” Alex takes a break, panting a bit. “But five months ago, you met someone else, and you left me, and you left our children, Jack. You broke every promise that you ever made to me and to Sophia and Lucas.” The tears finally come and he wipes frantically at his eyes. “And for what? A young blonde with no credit limit?”

“That’s not it!” Jack exclaims, also jumping off of the sofa. “Y-you’re right,” he says softly, running a hand through his hair. “I did break a lot of promises. I let you and the kids down, and I’m…I’m sorry for that. But I didn’t leave because of Courtney.”

Alex looks up at Jack, folding his arms across his chest to keep his hands from shaking. “So what was it then, Jack? Some kind of midlife fucking crisis? Why couldn’t you have just bought a convertible like a normal man? Why’d you have to be so irresponsible? Why’d you have to leave?” His voice breaks again. All of this pain feels so tender right now and Jack is just pouring salt in the wounds.

“I know that it was irresponsible,” Jack sighs, biting his lip and looking down at his feet. Until about five months ago, Alex had thought that Jack was a really strong man. That’s clearly not the case anymore. “But once I was gone, I didn’t…I figured that you wouldn’t want me to come back, you know?”

Alex feels the need to roll his eyes, but he holds back, biting his tongue because he
knows that if he interrupts Jack, he may never get the truth out of him. He neither agrees nor disagrees with Jack’s sentiment, though.

“So imagine my surprise when I came home today and Courtney immediately told me that a guy at the art store downtown told her that my kids miss me,” Jack says with a dry laugh. “She didn’t even know that I had kids.”

Alex doesn’t know why he’s surprised at this point, but he is. He can’t stay quiet any longer. Jack owes him this. “She…you never told her? Jack, what the fuck is wrong with you? Did you come back here today solely because of her? Do you even want to be a dad anymore?”

Jack sighs, finally looking at Alex. “See, that’s the thing. I felt…trapped, I guess. I came home one day after a horrible day at work and I thought that things would be better when I got home. But they weren’t. You were angry at me because I forgot to pick something up. Sophia was sick and throwing up constantly, and Lucas wouldn’t stop crying. I was starving, but we had to take Sophia to the ER, and the entire time we were there, you wouldn’t speak to me, a-and Lucas was screaming. When we finally got home, it was after two in the morning, and I had to get up at six. I guess I was thinking…do I really want this to be my life? I mean, you and I had been together for so long before we got married, and I guess I panicked.” He pauses and glances up at Alex.

Alex’s teeth stay gritted the entire time, but his shoulders are shaking and his lower lip is trembling, both from anger and disappointment. “So…you had a bad day and decided that the best solution was to just leave your family without a trace?” He snorts, shaking his head and wrapping his arms around himself. He’s chilled. “Makes perfect goddamn sense, Jack! I’m so sorry that I was ever mad. I forgive you!”

Jack cocks his head to the side, giving Alex a pointed look. Alex knows that he’s being a bit immature, but fuck, Jack didn’t have the right to be judging anyone. “I know that it sounds completely ridiculous, but it wasn’t just one bad day. It was every single day. I love our family, I really do, but I didn’t want to resent any of you.” He sits back down and puts his head in his hands, sighing.

Alex watches Jack, swallowing hard and keeping his arms wrapped around himself. He stands above him, but a few feet away, because he’s afraid of getting too close. He doesn’t trust himself. “So you left us instead? And found someone new.” That really hurts to say, and he closes his eyes for a moment. “I…I can understand why you’d leave me. But why the kids? They haven’t done anything.”

“It’s like I said, I figured that once I was gone, you’d want me to stay gone. I know that the kids need stability, so for me to pop in and out would do more harm than good. But when Courtney told me that she saw you, it’s like everything snapped back into perspective. Everything I did was completely stupid and selfish, and I know that.” Jack bites his lip and finally looks back up at Alex. “And I’m sorry.”

Alex blinks, shaking his head again. A couple tears slip down his cheeks before he sits down next to Jack. “Do you love Courtney?” he asks, his voice trembling as he asks. But he has to know.

Jack opens his mouth to respond, but then he hesitates, locking eyes with Alex. “It wasn’t
supposed to last this long, me and her,” he says finally. “I met her at a work function. It was purely a meeting, but she asked for my number.” Jack snorts, shrugging and shaking his head. “I’ll be honest. I wanted to see what it was like to be with someone else.”

“How was it?” Alex asks, eyes filling with more tears. It’s none of his business, but he really wants to know. “Being with someone else, I mean.”

Jack looks away for a moment, folding his hands and staring at them. “Weird, different. With you, everything is so familiar. So being with someone else, especially a girl, was just really weird. She wasn’t…she isn’t home. You are.”

Alex feels his lower lip start to tremble and he bites it, blinking profusely. He hates that Jack can do this to him. He’s so fucking angry and hurt, but Jack knows exactly what to say to break him down, even still. Alex wipes angrily at his eyes and then shakes his head at Jack. “If that were true, you wouldn’t have left in the first place. You wouldn’t have lived with another fucking person for months, Jack. You didn’t even call me!”

“And I told you that that was because I didn’t think that I could. I figured you wouldn’t answer me.”

“But you didn’t even try!” Alex wails, sniffling hard. “I called you. I texted you. I did pretty much everything but send out a carrier pigeon. You didn’t even talk to your parents or your brother or sister this whole time. They didn’t deserve this either.”

“I know,” Jack says, and Alex can see a hint of softness in his eyes. He doesn’t know if it’s guilt or sadness or something else, but it pulls at his heartstrings, makes him want to learn forward and wrap Jack in his arms. But he knows better and as badly as he wants to just take Jack to bed and forget about everything, he knows that that just isn’t an option.

“Case in point, I fucked up, Alex. I left you when I should have just talked to you. I slept with someone else when I should have just came home. I lived with her when I should have stopped after one night.” He sighs deeply. “And now, I’m here just making excuses.”

“Yeah,” Alex whispers, swallowing hard and turning to Jack. “But at least you're owning up to it, I guess.”

“I’m sorry,” Jack whispers back, moving just a bit closer to Alex. “I’m so sorry.”

Alex knows that he needs to move away, because he can feel Jack’s breath on his lips, and he knows what that means. But he’s completely frozen, captivated by Jack’s dark eyes, like he always has been. But instead, Jack tilts his chin just so, and then their lips are just barely brushing, and Alex knows that he's completely fucked. His eyes flutter shut as Jack’s lips press against his own, and his heart begins to hammer in his chest.

When Alex doesn’t pull away, Jack wraps his arms around his husband, and Alex lets him pull him close. Jack deepens the kiss, gently nudging his tongue between Alex’s lips, and Alex opens his mouth, letting Jack in. He always does; he loves Jack so much and all he’s wanted this whole time was for his husband to be home with him and their children. He desperately wants his family back. And it’s that thought that forces him to push Jack away.

“Stop it,” Alex says breathlessly. He keeps his eyes closed and he licks his lips, tasting Jack’s mouth. He’s missed it so much.

“Alex, I’m sorry, I-”

“It’s okay,” Alex says. He takes a deep breath and then opens his eyes. “Listen, Jack, you can’t do this. You can’t leave us for five months without a trace and then come back expecting everything to be exactly the same.”

“I’m not-” Jack tries to interject.

“You are,” Alex says, cutting him off. “And if it was just me here, you might just be able to get away with it. But the fact is, it’s not just me. Sophia’s here and so is Lucas. And Sophia’s been having panic attacks ever since you left. She’s devastated, but she thinks that she can’t show it because of Lucas. Lucas is so sad and he misses you, and he doesn’t know what to do with those feelings, so he’s acting out. Not just here, but at daycare, too. Our lives didn’t just go on without you, Jack. But they also didn’t just stop.” He swallows hard. “I love you. I always have and I always will. You’ll never know truly how much, a-and this has been the fucking hardest time of my life. Losing you made me want to die, but I couldn’t give into that because we have kids, Jack. Two tiny people that depend on us for literally everything. We can’t just leave them. You can’t just leave them. Not again.”

“I know that, Alex, I get it-”

“No, you don’t!” Alex exclaims. He’s not angry, merely frustrated. “If you understood that, you wouldn’t have left us in the first place. You’re here now, but this shit is just not gonna work.” He takes a deep breath. “Either you come back and you stay forever or you leave and don’t ever come back. You don’t get both. You can’t have both. I-I’d understand if you don’t want to be with me anymore, but if you really want to be a father, you can’t ever abandon Sophia and Lucas again.” The thought of Jack not loving him has plagued him ever since the moment Jack left, and it still devastates him, rips him in two. The tears that fill his eyes are so goddamned familiar.

Jack’s eyes are dark and his face is somber. He finally gets it and Alex is so relieved. He doesn’t think that he can do that again, and he doesn’t want to have to put himself through it again, either. “So what are you saying?” Jack asks softly.

Alex locks eyes with Jack, trying to appear more confident than he feels. “It means what I said. Either come back to stay or stay gone. I’m not putting our kids through this again.” His voice is threatening to break, and again, all he wants to do is jump into Jack’s arms again, but he knows that he can’t. Everything is weighing on Jack’s decision.

Jack stands up, shoving his hands into his pockets. He sighs and then looks back at Alex, biting his lip. He opens his mouth to say something, but nothing comes out. Finally, he turns his back and Alex is shocked when he begins to walk toward the front door. He wasn’t necessarily expecting Jack to scoop him up and carry him to the bedroom, but he certainly wasn’t expecting him to leave. Alex wants so fucking badly to scream at him; to beg him to stay or to call him a coward, but his mouth is dry and his face is wet. He watches Jack open the door, step out, and then close it behind him, and he stands in the living room and listens as Jack starts up his car and drives away.

Like a sleepwalker, Alex walks over to the front door and he locks it. He barely blinks as he goes to his room, the one that he’d shared with Jack, and climbs under the covers with his clothes from work still on. He hasn’t showered and he has dried paint on his skin and clothing. He doesn’t read his chapter from Un-Married, he doesn’t say his prayers, and he doesn’t brush his teeth. He cries and screams into his pillow. He punches his bed and cries some more, his chest feeling like it’s going to explode. He cries until he has a migraine, until his eyes burn. He screams Jack’s name into his pillow until his throat aches. He repeats all of this until he passes out from pure exhaustion. His sleep is fitful and dreamless. 

*

On Thursday morning, Alex wakes up much earlier than he has to. He tosses and turns for half-an-hour before he finally gets up. He takes a dazed, bleary-eyed shower and then brushes his teeth. After, there’s still an hour before the kids have to get up for school. He gets dressed and then goes to the kitchen to make coffee. As it’s percolating, he remembers that the coffee cups from last night are still in the living room. He sighs and runs a hand over his face before going in to pick them up.

The living room is messy, but that’s nothing new. The whole house is messy most of the time. Alex barely has time to cook, much less clean or do laundry. When Jack was here, everything was so much easier. Maybe it wasn’t spotless and maybe there weren’t always clean clothes in their closets, but it was a much happier place overall. With that thought in mind, he wonders if he should make a special breakfast for the kids today. He’s got plenty of time and it’s been a while since they’ve had anything but cereal or frozen waffles before school. The kids would probably enjoy something hot and homemade.

With the mugs in hand, Alex heads back toward the kitchen. He pauses, however, when he hears a loud ding. It’s the doorbell, and just like last night, he really can’t imagine who it is. It’s barely past six in the morning. He can’t help but get his hopes up as he sets the mugs back down on the coffee table. He knows better than to wish for Jack, but it’s what he wants more than anything.

Alex goes to the front door with a heavy heart, barely breathing. Even so, he attempts to take a deep breath, trying not to choke on his nerves. He unlocks the door and opens it at a crack, immediately seeing the one that he wants to see most. His heart begins to pound and his legs go wobbly; he grabs onto the door for support.

Jack looks like absolute hell. There are dark circles underneath his bloodshot eyes. His hair is standing on end and he’s clad in a black hoodie and gray joggers. He doesn’t look like he’s slept at all, and Alex knows exactly how he feels.

“Jack,” Alex says, his voice wavering. “What…um, what are you doing here?”
Jack’s dark eyes meet his own and Alex feels his legs growing weaker and weaker, and his heart is pounding out of his chest. “I wanna come home,” Jack whispers. “For good.” Jack opens the door the rest of the way and catches Alex as he falls, right into his arms.

Right where he belongs.