The Graveyards We Leave Behind

The march to the Ark is long and tedious as she walks by Bellamy's side. The way his eyes look into the horizon is scary. The emptiness that's oozing out of them mirrors her own. She hates that he has to feel it. For so long she has wanted to hurt him, but now that she sees him like this she regrets wishing it. He is broken. More broken than she has ever seen him before. Octavia's death has broken her again too. She meant what she said to Echo earlier. Octavia was her best friend, but she was also a sister to her. She was the only person that’s ever been there for her all these years with no expectations. Nyx has no loyalty or dues to anyone save Octavia; Octavia was her people. In due time she will avenge her. The words she spoke to Roan so many months ago were real: Echo's time has come, and every breath she takes now is a barter.

Though Bellamy's hands are tied, Nyx has left the ropes loose. She reaches over without any second thoughts and manages to sneak her own hand in between them, lacing her fingers with his clammy ones. He doesn't flinch. There is no surprise on his face, no questioning. He tangles his fingers with hers wordlessly. She looks up at him in anticipation. She wants to hear his voice. She wants to fix him.

Bellamy stays silent. The gaze he holds forward doesn’t falter when he feels her touch. In any other moment he would have taken the opportunity to try and win her back, but in this moment even that doesn't seem to matter. Her hand is meant to comfort him, to bear the weight of his loss with him. He doesn’t protest it as it slips in between his. It's what he's wanted for years, and its what he needs for now.

They walk conjoined for a while. Neither of them slows their steps. Their movements are robotic as their legs carry them across the lands they've traversed so many time for mostly the wrong reasons.

Nyx thinks they are close to Arkadia when in a clearning only a few feet away stands Clarke. Her heart skips a beat and she almost forgets to breath. They knew Azgeda was coming. Someone warned them. Octavia is alive.

Nyx squeezes Bellamy's hand unable to keep the joy to herself upon the realization. "She's alive, Bellamy," she says to the man next to her with empty eyes. "She had to be the one to warn them otherwise Clarke wouldn’t be here," there is hope in her voice again as she tries to elicit the same reaction from him.

Bellamy looks at her with furrowed brows. His blank stare takes a moment to contort into realization, and he has to fight back tears for a second time today when he convinces himself that he will see his sister again.

Nyx offers him a smile as she feels the tears well in her own eyes. She feels him squeeze her hand this time, and she lets out a chuckle before looking back over to the scene unfolding before them.

"We need to talk," Clarke demands. Her hands are on her hips as she looks at Roan. Her words are slathered in confidence, but her posture is shaky, and Nyx is wondering what the Arkadian's are plotting.

Echo attempts to hide her panic as she looks around them. She can see all the men scattered behind the bushes, and she realizes they've walked to their own death. She's pissed that she's allowed this to happen. Roan might not forgive her. Her angry frantic eyes fall on Nyx momentarily, and they trail down her body to examine that one of her hands is intertwined with Bellamy's.

"You have no loyalty," Echo snarls at her. She might've kept her mouth shut under other circumstances, but she's frantic right now, and she can't seem to control herself.

Roan turns for a moment to see what the commotion is about. His eyes are immediately pulled to his lover's hands holding someone else's. Bellamy's of all people. He breathes out through his nose in attempt to center himself. He has to ignore them. There are more important things to deal with at the moment.

"If you want to kill me, go ahead and try, but traitors should sleep with their eyes open," Echo threatens Nyx with a snarl on her face, but it doesn't scare her for a second.

Octavia is not dead, Nyx reminds herself as her eyes search the cliffs of the canyon they're in. "Your time will come," she repeats Roan's words calmly. Luck has bartered her some more time to live, and that matter will have to wait awhile. "There are more important things," she says as if reading Roan's mind. Nyx eyes the lasers gathering on Roan's torso before saying, "take his six." So swiftly she untangles herself from Bellamy's grasp as she seemingly glides to stand in front of her king.

"Tell your snipers to stand down, Clarke," Nyx demands. Her voice doesn't falter. She's not scared. She owes Roan her life anyway. The Arkadian's won't win against her wrath.

"Give me ten minutes, Roan," Clarke pleads completely ignoring Nyx's presence.

She feels his body shift behind her, and the hands on her waist are guiding her, asking her to move. He's agreeing. Nyx stands firm. He's still being targeted, and she's not letting him out of her sight until Clarke's men disarm.

"It might be a trap, Roan," Echo warns watching him fidget in front of her.

"We're already in the trap," he replies. Effortlessly he squeezes out from between the two women to follow Clarke into the woods.

Nyx wants to yell after him, but she knows he won't listen. Roan is a leader, and he refuses to be made a fool especially in front of all his people.

Minutes pass as both sides wait nervously at the stand off. Nyx's hand is at the hilt of her machete waiting for someone to make a wrong move. She's on her toes ready to fight, but deep down she hopes that Clarke has a solution. She doesn’t want the Arkadians to die - they have created too many graveyards already. Taking Bellamy as a prisoner was a long shot in hopes of forcing their hand to find a solution.

Suddenly there is clamoring up above them and Nyx is pulled out of her thoughts to hear that a sniper has gone rouge. The commotion from above is too loud, and she can't seem to think straight as she's frantically surfing the folds and creases of her brain trying to figure out how to get to Roan. Bellamy offers to go with Echo to chase down the gunman. Nyx wants to protest. She doesn't trust the woman, but before she can Bellamy gives her a reassuring look. He's got it. Nyx's nod gives him permission, and she watches them disappear into the trees.

Nyx is growing anxious by the second. She keeps herself from pacing, but her hand does not leave her weapon as her eyes continuously scan the environment. The pair is not gone long when a boom resounds through the woods, and Nyx jumps at the sound remembering the sound of the explosion at their camp site before the mountain men came. Smoke surmounts the trees where the Ark should stand, and her stomach flips.

Nyx feels overcome by nausea until her eyes land on the four running out of the woods and toward the stand off.

"We've reached an agreement," Roan announces. His voice is booming as his eyes trail the smoke rising toward the sky.

"Everyone stand down. We're going back to the Ark," Clarke demands, and there is a evident rustle that comes from around them as the guards scramble to begin the trek. Nyx looks back to Roan's men, their uneasiness palpable in the air. She lets out a sigh and turns back around following Roan down a trail. The Arkadian guards and the Azgeda army march down to the Ark together, and anxiety shrouds all of them at the sight of the destroyed station.

"Fuck," she hears Roan whisper as he watches the Ark burning. All of this is for nothing. It seems like he can barely break even these days.

"You agreed to split it, didn’t you?" Nyx asks. She knows Roan is fond of compromise, and the destroyed ship had really done a number on his plans.

"Doesn’t matter now," he says. He's always composed, and Nyx wants to reach over to hug him and tell him that it's okay to be disappointed, but something else commands her attention.

Out of the corner of her eye she sees a boy carrying Octavia's flaccid body out of the burning ship. "Bellamy!" She shouts to get his attention. When he turns to look her way and then spots Octavia, he sprints to her side.

"Luck is a lady for you tonight," Nyx directs at Echo who's standing at Roan's side, "if she wasn’t alive you wouldn’t be either."

Echo turns to look at her with that snarl once more, and Roan can't help but to let out a chuckle at the two women. The ship explodes once more pulling Nyx back to the scene, and this time it completely collapses on itself. Roan sighs, "back to square one."

The next morning the group meets early to discuss how to proceed. Monty insists that the nightblood is their only hope, and that Raven can make it if she has more hydrazine. The goal is to get it to her. Roan is uncomfortable by the idea, but it seems like there's no other choice.

"It won't be an easy road. I sent Echo back with my army, half of them deserted. I don’t blame them - they want to be home when the end comes," Roan says. He is always understanding.

"Do you blame them for burning Trikru villages as they go?" Bellamy accuses. Watching Nyx stand so close to him is making his blood boil.

"That's funny coming from you," Roan says as the image of him holding Nyx's hand floods his vision. There is an uncomfortable tension between the men as Roan grabs the small hand lingering beside him as if to tell Bellamy that she's his.

Kane eyes the tension in the space between them. He sighs and interrupts the dick fight they're having, "I can't really spare any guards to go with you."

"We have my squad detail," Roan says focusing back on the task at hand. He is going to be with them every step of the way now that he knows they can't be trusted on their own.

“I feel the need to remind you that you guys are about to drive the last ten barrels of hydrazine known to man - which Raven needs every last drop of - through bumpy roads and hostile territory, and if it blows up, we're all dead,” Monty's words are like a hurricane as he looks at each of them with warning.

“What could possibly go wrong?” Roan says sarcastically squeezing Nyx's hand for good measure.

On the way toward the laboratory they reach a Trikru checkpoint that they barely escape from. Monty's words echoing in all of their minds as Nyx looks over the barrels to make sure they're safe. The road is still bumpy in front of them, and just when they finally think they're in the clear they reach another obstacle in form of a blazing river Murphy never said was there.

"It's ice melt," Roan says realizing they probably have less time than they thought. The radiation is thawing everything, as it makes him hasty because he know he doesn't have much time left with Nyx. "I can go find a way around for us," Roan offers beginning to leave on foot.

"Bellamy," Clarke calls, "go with him and take the rover. It'll be quicker," she insists.

Nyx's eyes fall on Roan who is already a few feet away. With pursed lips she gives him a nod, hoping this won't blow up in her face.

The car is silent as they drive. What is Bellamy supposed to do, engage in a conversation about the weather with the man that is fucking the love of his life?

"You seem like a good man," Roan tells him. He doesn't like the tension. There is nothing to fight about. Bellamy had many chances, and he blew them all. Nyx is his now. There is no use for anger. It will not change anything.

"Then you should hear Nyx's stories," Bellamy chuckles. He is hurt that she doesn't talk about him even if it's to talk shit.

"The only stories I have heard about you were from Nyx," he admits, and Bellamy hears himself gulp at the thought that she does talk about with her lover.

She's told him stories? And the stories are good enough not to make Roan hate him? Bellamy is confused. The olive branch Roan is trying to extend is a blessing, but Bellamy doesn't know if it's enough.

"We have all made mistakes, Bellamy. Nyx has too. Our mistakes don’t make us," he offers Bellamy advice.

"You sure you don't have that flame in your head?" Bellamy jokes that he sounds like a familiar know-it-all AI. Maybe the wisdom is what attracted Nyx. The king is not hotheaded like Bellamy. He's good for her.

When Roan shakes his head and chuckles Bellamy sighs, "you're not so bad yourself. I'm glad Nyx found you. She needed you." It's hard for him to admit, but he has no choice except to be happy for her. It is good to see her not so miserable all the time.

Roan smiles when he hears Bellamy's words, but doesn’t have time to respond because they have found a way around the stream, and Bellamy is attempting to radio the convoy. No luck.

When they get back to where the truck used to be they find Roan's guard on the ground, "must have been Trikru." He looks around for any sign of Nyx as the butterflies flutter in his belly. He is surprised when men come running from the trees, and he pulls his sword out instinctively.

The attacked by the Trikru from the checkpoint is sudden, but Roan wastes no time cutting them down. He wishes he didn't have to, but his hands are tied as they charge towards them. Suddenly he realizes it wasn't Trikru that took the truck.

"It was my men," he tells Bellamy as he pulls his sword out of a body on the ground.

"What?" Bellamy doesn't understand what he means.

"Earlier when you said everyone does what's best for their people," Roan start looking up as he tries to calm his breathing. "My men," he continues sheathing his sword, "they did what they thought was best for our people."

Bellamy lets out a dramatic sigh as he runs up and pulls himself into the rover. Without another word they are speeding down the valley following the trail of the newly made river in complete silence.

They manage to catch up to the convey that Clarke is driving with a knife to her throat. Bellamy pulls up close enough, and Roan jumps into the back to take out the guard who has tied Nyx up and is about to dump a barrel of hydrazine. He wastes no time slitting the traitor's throat. Nyx is lying on the floor, blood dripping down her head. Suddenly there is a gun shot, and Roan's heart skips a beat praying they don’t instantly blow up. When they don't, Roan unties her and helps her up.

"I'm fine," she says. He can hear the anger in her voice. She's mad she didn't see it coming. They caught her off guard, and she's pissed they got the best of her. She slips past Roan eager to get away and blow off some steam.

Roan watches her walk toward the river and sighs as the rest of them exit the convoy for a moment of peace before they have to start their trek again.

Nyx walks to sit at the bank of the river reaching down to wash the blood from her face. She notices Bellamy approaching and says, "don’t talk to me." She's not in the mood at the moment, and she'll bite his head off the first chance she gets.

"You slept with Kane," Bellamy doesn't listen. He wants an explanation, an apology. Really, Kane? She could've done better than that.

"I slept with a lot of men," she says curtly, "I've had many better since you, Bellamy."

"Like Roan?" he asks with a jealousy in his voice. The conversation the two had warmed him up to the idea. At least she isn't sleeping around anymore. Still, the thought of his hands on Nyx is more than he can handle

"And others in between," she reminds him not wanting to focus on the king.

"I talked to O," he decides it best to change the topic. He needs some advice anyway. "She's still mad me," he is a little hopeless.

"Yea, well, you killed the love of her life," Nyx recalls. Her words have a bite to them even when she tries to say them flippantly.

"I didn’t kill him, Pike did," Bellamy defends. He can't believe that she sounds just like Octavia.

"You let him, Bellamy. How do you not understand that she depended on you, and you let her down because you let Pike put a fucking bullet in Lincoln's brain? You're still her brother, but it's gonna take some time. Hell, it's been three years since we landed on the ground, and I still want to punch you in the face sometimes," she admits. She doesn't like that he knows he's still got a hold on her, but it's worth it if it helps him understand Octavia's struggle.

Though she tells him not to worry, in the back of her mind she is scared for Octavia. Her downward spiral is starting, and Nyx doesn’t know how to help because she knows how strong the gravity is once you start down the rabbit hole. "Let's get going," Nyx suggests. She doesn’t want to console Bellamy any longer because she feels like she is lying to him. It's to protect him, to keep him from blaming himself, but lies are still lies to those they hurt.

They walk silently back to the convoy. Bellamy wants to reach over and grab her hand. It felt perfect in his yesterday, but that was for reassurance. He wants to hold it again today for a completely different reason. He doesn't have the courage, but he allows his gaze to trail over her ass as she heaves herself up into the truck.

"Fuck," she says once inside the back of the convoy. Roan jumps up and walks over to kick the barrel when he notices what she's looking at. A Trikru arrow is buried deep inside it, and the reservoir is now empty. Monty's words repeat in her head when she realizes they have failed their mission.

"I'm gonna take the rover back, you guys go ahead," Bellamy says, his mind still on Octavia. He could have died today, and the idea that Octavia still hasn’t talked to him makes him feel like he needs to try to make peace again. He'll give her time if she needs it, but he wants her to try.

"Clarke, if I don’t see you again…" Bellamy trails off as his eyes fall to the blonde square in front of him.

"You will," Clarke shuts him up as she takes a few steps back. Whatever Bellamy was going to say would've been inappropriate. The end of the world makes people a little desperate, and she wasn't going to risk pissing Nyx off for it.

Nyx is hurt that he doesn’t attempt to say goodbye to her. The pain is probably written all over her face as she waits for Roan and Clarke to get into the front of the convoy. Before they drive off she calls out to him from the back, "Bellamy." Her heart is beating out of her chest.

He turns to look at her. There is a whirlwind of emotions in his eyes that she can't read. Still no desire though.

"If we don’t see each other again," she begins mirroring his statement.

"Clarke is right, we will," Bellamy reassures her biting his lip in anticipation of her words. He wishes he didn't interrupt her, but he doesn't know if he can handle a confession like that as she leaves him alone and drives off into the sunset with her lover.

"But if we don’t, it would be wrong of me to have left without telling you that I love you," she admits. There is no hesitation before she speaks, and no regret when she finishes. His eyes are holding her gaze. He feels his heart skip a beat and struggles to take a breath. It takes everything inside Bellamy to keep him from jumping on that truck and giving her a kiss.

In the front of the truck Clarke's eyes fall on Roan who looks out into the horizon. She heard Nyx, and she knows the king did too. This is a distraction. She steps on the gas, and they drive off leaving Bellamy in the dust.

Nyx is alone in the back with the hydrazine, her eyes fixed on Bellamy's body standing next to the dirty rover. As they get further away she can see him remain in the same spot. Her heart is fluttering in her chest. Roan is more than enough for her, but she cannot lie to herself - Bellamy will always be in her heart. Maybe Echo was right, maybe she isn't loyal to anyone but herself.