The Graveyards We Leave Behind

The trip to Becca's lab is lonely in the back of the convoy. Bellamy's face lingers in her mind, and there is nothing to distract her from it. She wishes Roan road in back with her, but she knows that would mean trusting Clarke completely, and that was something neither of them could do. Nyx is regretting the decision now because there is too much time to think of the turbid past and the hopeless future. Too much time to think of Bellamy and what he's thinking now that he knows how she feels.

When the convoy finally comes to a halt Nyx is relieved. She heaves herself off the ground of the truck and wastes no time hopping out. Roan and Clarke are at her heels as she runs inside.

"John," the name is a sigh of relief on her lips as their eyes meet from across the lab. He gives her a grin standing firm in his spot next to Emori and Raven, but that’s not enough for her so she runs into his arms, and he wraps her up like he's done his all his life. Roan and Emori exchange half smiles as they watch the pair awkwardly.

"We lost a barrel guys," Clarke's voice separates them as Murphy shakes his head at the bad news. His hands are on his hips and he's staring at the ground now.

"Back to square one again," Raven says feeling defeated.

Nyx squeezes her eyes shut when she hears the disappointment in Raven's voice. Turns out Monty was right, and she did need every drop. When she opens them everyone seems to have dispersed rather quickly, probably to try to come to terms with unavoidable the death that's looming ahead again.

"Roan," Nyx calls out. Her voice is low as she tries to filter the sorrow out.

He turns to look at her and purses his lips at the sight of the sadness in her eyes that he hasn’t seen in a while. He walks over to wrap her up in his arms, and she gladly falls into him. "Shall we take a walk?" he asks her eagerly, and Nyx smiles weakly in return. She likes their walks.

"Not too long, lovebirds. You don’t want to catch anyone's attention," Raven warns overhearing the conversation. With the drones disabled anyone could wander over, and that's something Raven wants to avoid.

"John and I are going to the mansion, if you want to come with us?" Emori suggests as the pair reappear hand in hand.

Nyx looks at John. He seems as happy as he can be given the situation. Maybe one day she would get a chance to talk to him again, but not now. The hug would have to be enough.

"We don’t want to go far," Roan rejects the offer before Nyx can. He won't leave Skaikru here unattended.

They follow the couple out of the lab hand in hand as well. Nyx stops admiring the green of the trees before them. They don’t have long before there would be no more trees to see.

"I'm scared," she admits to Roan when they find a quiet place to sit.

"Of what?" he asks rubbing her hand with his thumb.

"Death," the word comes out like a sour taste on her tongue. She never thought she'd say that.

"I thought you did not fear death," he reminds her with a smirk on his face. When he first met her she refused to show a single sign of weakness, and now she's unraveling before him, and he appreciates it.

"I didn't until I had something to lose," she looks over at him before lying down to take in the shapes of the clouds. She doesn’t want to look him in the eye because she doesn't want to cry.

"You won't lose me," he tells her before lying at her side with an arm over her waist. His fingers fiddle with her cuirass as he waits to hear her voice again.

"When we die I will," she says hopelessly enough to break his heart.

He doesn’t have to look at her to know that the emptiness is taking over. He wishes he was back in Polis in his bed with her, safe behind the doors of his quarters. He is a king though, and as a king he has the duty to try to save his people even if it means making this sacrifice.

"I'm sorry," he tells her, "I thought we could have peace with Ontari, and even if we didn't, we could have ran away and lived in the woods where no one knew who we were." He had dreamed so many times that Lexa didn't name him king. He could have remained an exile. He could have taken her and ran so far away.

"That's a nice fantasy," she tells him, "I think about the possibilities a lot too. It seems no matter how many times we escape death it is always chasing us." There is no way to sugarcoat it. There is no sign of hope. Death is looming. She doesn’t know how to come to terms with it.

"We're not going to die yet. I'm going to figure something out. If I only save the two of us, then so be it, but I will not let you die," he admits to her. He is a king, but she will always come first he resolves. How can he rule over so many when she is undeniably his first duty?

"I love you, Roan. With all my heart," she tells him. Her words are sad as they settle in the space between their eyes that seem to want to hold each other's gaze forever.

"I know, Nyx," he reassures her. There was never a doubt in his mind that she did even when he felt the inklings of jealousy every now and then. "I love you too," he adds. They stay still for a moment until the bushes seem to come to life. In the near distance Nyx spots John, and she heaves herself up to head back to the lab.

"What is this?" Nyx asks with a raised brow eyeing the prisoner that Emori and Murphy have returned with. Roan's hand sits at the small of her back to reassure her he's still by her side.

"We're testing the nightblood on him," Emori speaks with crossed arms. She seems a little shaky, but Nyx is unsure why.

"I thought you couldn’t make any without that rocket fuel?" Nyx's eyes are squinted as she looks at Abby. Something is suspicious.

"We didn't, uh, Luna donated," Abby explains pointing at the girl with a bandage on her hip. She's laid out on a metal table gazing weakly into the forming crowd. Luna's faint stare lands on Nyx, and she can see the fury in her eyes.

"You fucking let her do this, Clarke?" Nyx is amazed, "Raven?!" Her eyes flash to the pictures Miller's stories painted in her mind. If Clarke did not understand then Raven should have. It was done to her. This is unacceptable.

"We had to try something," Clarke defends her mother's words. This is seemingly their last hope.

"You're going to test it on this poor man? We don’t even know him. We're trusting a thief to tell us he should be sentenced to die? What are you, God? And when he dies then what? It doesn’t matter because he's just another grave you dig?" Nyx is furious. The death and destruction thy cause is appalling, and it makes her sick to her stomach. She is fighting back tears at the thought of Bellamy hanging upside down and being bled. She can't sanction this.

"Nyx," John speaks from the side. "Let's just give it a chance, okay?" His words are nervous, and the look he gives her is a frightened one. Who has John become?

Nyx looks at him in disbelief. Why he's agreeing is beyond her, but it seems like she's the only one that doesn’t like the idea. She doesn’t say another word, and Abby takes it as permission to seal the radiation chamber and the strangers fate.

They all stand and watch as Jackson increases the radiation levels slowly. The nerves running through Nyx's body are on fire, as she waits for what she knows is inevitable. By standing here she's endorsing this, and it makes her hate herself even more. The whole room is filled with tension as everyone holds their breath. Roan's hand squeezes Nyx's before she pulls away. She's mad that he didn't protest with her. How many of his people did the mountain men sentence to die like this?

Nyx's eyes are glued to the chamber. She knows he'll die, and she's going to force herself to watch. Maybe next time she'll be stronger. Maybe next time she'll have the courage to put her foot down and fight them tooth and nail. At first the man seems fine, and she lets herself inhale sharply in anticipation as Jackson turns the knob again. Suddenly he coughs, and Nyx fights to keep her eyes open as his body blisters before them. The blood he throws up is suffocating him. He chokes, writhes in pain. Nyx stares ahead watching his skin bubble to a crisp as the blood pools around him. The last breath he takes looks painful as his body convulses violently and comes to a complete stop before his arms fall flaccid at his sides and his chest stops moving.

Nyx gulps before finally looking away. "Murderers," she accuses as she allows her eyes to dwell on Clarke before leaving the scene in a brisk walk.

Only an hour passes before Abby thinks she has made a breakthrough: removing an additive, which prevents clotting, that was being broken down by the radiation will work. Nyx scoffs when she overhears her say it. Her arms are wrapped around her knees as she sits on the ground in thought.

"That man just exploded in that chamber, and you want to do more testing?" Raven asks, realizing Nyx's point. They're going too far. This isn't worth it.

"There's no other solution, Raven," Clarke argues. Typical. She always keeps her goal in mind no matter the means.

"What's wrong with you people, even Baylis honored the dead. He wore the stones of his Rock Line ancestors," Luna claims as her eyes flutter to the now empty chamber in remorse.

Rock Line? "That wasn’t Baylis," Nyx realizes as she stares at the woman cowering at John's side. That's why they both looked nervous.

"Who the fuck did I just sit back and watch you kill?" Nyx shouts in Emori's face. The woman is scared, and John is wrapping his arms around her as his eyes ask Nyx to calm the fuck down. "A man with a wife and children? Who will feed them now that he's gone? Who will hold his children in comfort when the praimfaya comes to take their life?" Every word from her mouth is ferocious as she ignores John's pleas. Emori has turned him into a killer, and she'd have no sympathy for them.

"Nyx," Roan calls her in warning. He is worried she will do something stupid.

"Justice is for those who deserve it, Roan," she quotes him. Her words are almost condescending as they reach him.

His eyes meet hers and he nods with pursed lips as she uses his own wisdom against him. "Then I guess we know who's next," Roan sighs regretfully.

Nyx watches with clenched fists as John struggles while Jackson and Clarke tie him and Emori up. She doesn't want it to happen this way, but her anger keeps her from protesting.

"You keep saying it will work hoping that it does," Luna accuses. "I am leaving, and I am not giving you anymore of my blood." Nyx watches as she hops off the table and hobbles away from the crowd. She's grateful that Luna had the sense to put a stop to this.

"I cant let you leave. This is our only hope. You're wounded, and I don’t want to fight you. If Emori dies saving the world, that is a good death," Roan says.

Nyx stares at him bewildered that he is on the wrong side of this. She watches Luna take a stance ready to fight her way out, but she is hurt, and it doesn't take much for him to knock her out.

"Roan! Stop! I won't support this," Nyx calls just too late. Luna's body collapses in his arms, and he places her back on the table.

"It's a matter of life or death, Nyx," he is taking Clarke's side. He is scared that he'll lose her to the radiation, and if he has to torture Luna to ensure Nyx will live, then he'll do it.

"That's what the mountain men thought too, remember? The graveyards they made from all the people whose families you command now put them straight in the ground," Nyx warns that the mountain men got what they deserved, and if they do this it would have consequences.

"Prep Emori," Abby says ignoring everything Nyx has said. Death makes for scared people, and fear makes people do dumb things.

"What about Clarke? Mama's sweet precious baby is too good to die sacrificing herself for the rest of humanity, while the outsiders are expendable?" Nyx shouts. She's not going to let this happen.

Clarke looks straight into Nyx's eyes. She knows she is right. With a single glance to the work bench she takes the syringe of nightblood and injects herself.

"No! Clarke! I wont let you," Abby shouts desperately. She heaves a chair up in the air and hits the radiation chamber repeatedly until it's in pieces. Clarke's eyes are wide in disbelief as her mother falls to the ground in tears. Raven sighs. Square one again.

Nyx shakes her head at the scene in front of her. Pathetic. Lexa was right when she said love is weakness.

"Can we go back to Polis now?" Nyx asks Roan. This place feels toxic even without praimfaya.

Roan nods in defeat. This was all for her. He doesn’t want her to die like that, but she refuses to let him bend morals to save her. Maybe that's one of the many reasons her loves her so much. He tames his frustration letting out a sigh before making his way out of the lab.

Soon Abby, Clarke, Luna, Roan, and Nyx are taking the trek back to the capital. The ride is long and the tension is heavy. She is glad Roan is with her this time because she doesn't know if she would have made it with out.

It's well into the night they make it back. The couple leaves the convoy hand in hand, and Roan is about to lead them into the tower when Nyx pulls him the opposite way. Indra is outside sharing a word with Clarke, and it looks suspicious. She overhears the Trikru warrior say that Jaha has found his bunker. Trikru and Skaikru have an alliance to share it, but will not let Azgeda in. The woman disappears into the night, and Nyx gulps at the words that left her lips.

Roan lets go of Nyx's hand. His eyes are on Kane who stands in the distance whispering with Abby. Roan takes a few steps in his direction with intentions of diplomacy, but three Trikru soldiers block his path. He unsheathes his sword for a fight, but it is unnecessary as Nyx's machete has already sliced two throats, and Echo's arrow has hit one in the heart.

"Welcome back to Polis, my king," her words ring through the market as her warriors take the lingering Skaikru hostage.

Hours later Roan is pacing back and forth outside of the temple. Nyx sits with a cup of moonshine in her hand watching him. He is nervous. She's never seen him anything but calm, and it worries her. "I need to talk to Clarke," Roan insists not even looking her way. When he leaves she follows as he makes his way to the holding cells in the city.

He lifts up the large iron railing and takes the ladder down. Nyx watches as he cuts the rope that binds Clarke's hands and thanks her for trying to warn him.

"Azgeda has the bunker surrounded. You need to let people go in, Roan," she pleads with a half smile. She trusts him. When he says nothing she continues, "talk to Indra."

Roan's sigh is long and dramatic as he says, "I'll try." He follows Clarke into the bunker, and Nyx lingers as far back as she can. She's not interested in fighting.

"What's he doing here?" Indra sounds bitter as she stares the king down.

"I think my being here is obvious. The real question is what you're doing here," he spits back earning a look from Clarke.

"War is not the answer," the blonde shouts at them.

"When the choice is my people or yours, what can I do?" Roan is angry. His eyes refuse to leave Indra's in case she decides to attack.

Nyx rolls her eyes at the display. She turns to walk back out, thinking its best to leave him alone for awhile. She strolls through the market place eager to find some moonshine. She fingers the coins in her pocket and decides to buy something to eat instead. Roan is angry enough, she wouldn’t make him angry with her as well.

She nibbles on the rat greedily. Chewing fast and swallowing hard. She's starving. When she hears the horn blow to signal ascension her face falls. It couldn’t be possible. There was no conclave. Has Luna changed her mind?

Nyx doesn't want to wait for the lift. She climbs up to the throne room, nd when she arrives at the ceremony Gaia introduces Clarke as the new commander. Nyx shakes her head. She is making a mockery of their religion as she cuts her hand to display the dark blood dripping down her fingers.

Roan's bellowing voice stops everyone in their tracks, "this is blasphemy." He pushes Abby forward shouting, "why don’t you explain why Clarke suddenly bleeds black."

The demanding tone of his voice frightens the doctor, and Abby has no choice but to admit, "I made her a nightblood." Her words are weary as she looks around at all the people scowling at what she's said.

"If anyone can be a nightblood, why should we trust nightbloods any longer?" Roan demands as he approaches the throne giving Gaia a look of disdain. His eyes fall to Nyx before he says, "I suggest a final conclave."

Nyx's eyes fall on him too. The look she gives him is almost enough to kill him on the spot. She doesn’t know what he's thinking, and it's making her crazy.

"A champion from each clan to participate. The victor gets the bunker," he concludes. His eyes never leave her, and he can see the emptiness climb up her body as if it's sucking her into the ground.

Nyx's heart stops when she realizes that he would fight for Azgeda. She would lose him too just like she's lost everyone else. Then she would lose herself. There is no more hope.