The Graveyards We Leave Behind

"No!" Nyx cries. The tears are streaming down her face and her heart is breaking for the umpteenth time. "You're stupid! Stupid! I hate you!" she shouts at Roan who attempts to embrace her.

"Nyx," he says. His heart aches hearing her tell him that. He has no choice, and he wishes she'd understand.

"Why did you have to go and say something so fucking stupid!?" she doesn’t understand. He volunteered to leave her. He offered himself up as a sacrifice. He's going to die, and there's not a goddamn thing she can do about it.

"You promised me!" She bangs her fists against his chest, "you promised that even if no one else survived, it would be me and you!" The tears that slide down her cheeks burn into her skin like acid. She was a fool to think she could be happy. All the graveyards that flash through her mind remind her there is a price to pay. She's going to lose him.

"This is not how I want to spend my last night with you," he tells her. Sitting down on the bed helplessly. He doesn't want to cry, and he reaction is making it difficult to keep the tears back.

"Oh, and what did you expect, my king?" she mocks him. She wants to hurt him so he can feels how she feels. It's not fair. Why didn't he think of her? Why couldn't he just put her first for once?

"I don’t know. Love?" He is annoyed. This is no way to spend their last moments together. Why doesn’t she understands that this is not easy for him? This is the only way she'll be safe. He has to fight for her.

Nyx manages to stop the tears. He's right. They should cherish this little time that's left. Her choking breaths slow as she wipes the pain from her eyes. "Roan," she begs, "send Echo, send anyone."

"What kind of king am I if I don’t fight my own battles?" he shouts at her. He can't take much more of this.

"The kind that has too much to lose," she says hopefully.

"Nyx, I love you. I fight for you. If Skaikru wins tomorrow you will have a place in that bunker. If I win tomorrow you will have a place in that bunker. All I need is for you to survive this ugly Earth," he tells her the truth. He needs her to have the best odds, and with him in the fight she will.

"What is the point in living if you're not with me?" she asks him. Her words linger between them for a moment and he hears him sigh before he speaks.

"I am always with you, Nyx," he places a hand over her heart feeling it beating almost out of her chest. It saddens him. He doesn't want to upset her. He's doing this because he loves her more than anything else in the world.

"It's not the same, Roan," she is disappointed that his honor is too big to announce a different champion. "My last memories of you will be bloody and decapitated," she whispers fighting the tears back.

"Then let me give you something else to remember me by," he says devouring her lips hungrily.

Nyx doesn't fight it. She undresses him hastily, not wanting to waste any more time. This is her last night with him, and she'd spend as long as she can remembering everything about the way he feels inside her.

When Nyx wakes in the morning she doesn’t want to dress. She wants to stay in the bed forever. She wants to keep him safe, and maybe if they stay here forever then she can.

"It's time," he tells her as he gets up. The same thing he had told her after their first night together, he now tells her after their last.

"Please don't go, Roan," she begs sitting up. He doesn't comment. He has no choice. He wishes he didn't have to. He wishes he could stay here with her forever. It is not her fault for falling in love with a king. Still, he is a king, and his people need him. She needs him.

He begins to put his clothes on, so she sighs and follows suit. Roan has too much honor, she realizes. This is the right thing to do, she thinks to herself, and Roan always did the right thing. They arrive to the throne room together hand in hand because what is there to lose anymore. The other champions are already declared and waiting.

"Roan…" she wants to beg him again, but she knows there is no use. This is a duty he must do for his people, including her.

"I love you, my angel," he tells her as thinks about how she has fallen from heaven to be with him.

Nyx stands on her toes to give him a kiss. It is angry, sad, tired, tender. "I love you, Roan," are her last words before he walks away. There is a pit in her stomach threatening to swallow her again. She takes one last look at him just incase it is the last - making sure to etch his face into her mind.

On his way down from the tower and into the city turned battlefield Roan walks into Bellamy.

"I would say good luck under any other circumstances, but since it's my life or yours…" Bellamy trails off.

"Do you love her too?" Roan asks him. He is tired of talking about dying. He is jealous that the man in front of him will have a future. He doesn't want to die today, but something inside tells him fate has other plans, and he has to make sure Nyx will be okay.

Too? Bellamy is caught off guard by the man.

"She loves you. Do you love her too?" Roan asks again. There is no anger in his voice or in his face, just concern. Roan owes this to Nyx.

Bellamy suddenly realizes that Roan heard her in the convoy. He doesn’t say anything. What can he say to a dying man?

"Bellamy," Roan calls, "do you love Nyx?" his voice is demanding this time. He is growing impatient. His time has run out, and Bellamy is taking too long.

Bellamy nods, "Im sorry, Roan." He feels terrible admitting it to the man.

"Then you will protect her. If my life on this world ends, you will take care of her. If you don't, I will come back for you, and believe me if I do praimfaya will seem like children's play," he warns.

"Roan, I…" Bellamy doesn’t know what to say. What is Roan even asking of him?

"Keep her safe, Bellamy," Roan demands as he walks away to allow the universe to choose what he deserves, praying that some shred of luck will let him come back to her.

The day is drawing to a night and almost all have fallen. The victor will be announced tonight. Nyx wants to beg the Gods to save him, but she realizes Octavia is down there too, and she could not do that to the poor girl, she could not do that to her brother.

Staring out the window from the throne room she sees the black rain falling. She smiles when she hears Octavia telling Roan to take cover. She is glad they have allied, but what happens when they are the only two left?

Then suddenly her heart stops. She feels like she's going to throw up as she watches helplessly as Luna's sword pierces Roan's stomach, and her hand holds his head in the fountain filled with the acid water. The scream she lets out is so bone chilling that many leave scared.

Roan's eyes are wide. The sword in his belly is a surprise. He has lost. He has left her. He shouldn't have been so stubborn. He could almost see her break in his mind. As he hears the scream he knows it is hers. She had to be strong. His eyes lock onto Octavia's for the briefest second. He sees the sorrow in them.

As Octavia looks at the dying man it seems as if he's telling her something. She understands. He needs her to protect Nyx, to keep her safe. Octavia nods to reassure him before Roan is dragged into the fountain face first.

Nyx sobs for hours, not noticing the time pass or the others in the room watching her cry. Even when Echo pulls her up and takes her outside to listen to the victor's speech she does not stop sobbing. Even when she realizes Octavia has won and has decided to take everyone into the bunker, it is not enough to put her heart back together again.

While the others head towards the bunker she heads to Roan's room. She lays on the bed, and his scent from his pillow swallows her whole. The tears do not stop. It is a cycle. Weeping, passing out from exhaustion, waking to realize it is not just a nightmare, weeping again. She doesn't know how long she lays there. It's probably been a whole day. She has to pee, but she doesn’t care. She doesn’t have the strength to get up. She doesn't have the strength to live.

Octavia walks into the room. It is her second time visiting.

"Nyx," she begins. This is difficult for her. She knows how Nyx feels. She's watched Lincoln and Illian die before her eyes. She doesn't know how to comfort her because she knows the sorrow doesn’t go away, but she promised Roan.

"Nyx it's time to go into the bunker," she tells her. "They finally opened the hatch. Each clan will have 100 spots. You'll be one of Azgeda's."

Nyx doesn't speak.

"Nyx come on, do I have to carry you?" Octavia threatens.

"Leave me alone. I'm not going anywhere," her voice is low and raspy, "and I'm sure as hell not going to take a spot from the people Roan died for. They deserve it."

"That's suicidal," Octavia warns.

"That's the plan," Nyx says. Her words are voids just like her eyes.

Octavia sighs and leaves.

Nyx thinks she has given up. They are probably out of time. She gets up to pee finally then grabs the bottle sitting on the table. When she sits on the bed the tears start again. She buries her face into the blanket. She begged him so many times, and he didn’t listen. Now she is alone. The door opens again.

"Leave me alone, Octavia! I left you alone when Lincoln died! You dealt with it your way, and this is mine. Why can't you understand that?" she shouts from under the furs.

"I'm not going to leave you to die here, you know," she is surprised to hear Bellamy's voice. Bellamy. Another dead love. He isn't really dead, but he may as well be.

"I'm not getting up," she says as she pulls the blanket off her face, averting her eyes from him.

"Ok, I can carry you," he says before scooping her up.

"Put me down or I'll break your nose," she threatens with her eyes closed. She couldn’t look at him. She is scared that she will forget Roan in a second if she does. Bellamy laughs at her.

"It's not funny," she says as she wiggles out of his arms.

"It's the end of the world, Nyx, and you're threatening to break my nose. I think that's kinda funny," he says. He's hoping for just a little smile.

"I'm not interested in jokes, Bellamy. I told you and your sister I'm not going anywhere. There's nothing else left for me," she says. She sounds as depressed as she was on the Ark.

"What about me?" he asks wearily. Scared of what she'll say. She told him she loves him when she thought they would never see each other again, but what about now? Did she love Roan more?

Nyx holds her breath as her heart skips a beat. "What about you?" she asks back. She loves Bellamy, she really does. So much. He has consumed her life for as long as she can remember, but Roan had shined a light on her darkness. Maybe Roan wasn't the infinite love of her life, but she loved him dearly. He had become her everything, and now that he was gone did Bellamy expect her to just fall into his arms? How could she?

"Listen. You don't have to get in the bunker now, but if you're going to stay out here then at least come with me. Clarke and I are going to get Raven. She's still alive. If we leave now then we can make it back in time before they have to close the hatch," he suggests. He knows she won't say know, and if this is the only way to lure her then he'll use it.

Nyx looks up at him for the first time. A distraction. She loves a distraction. He doesn’t have to ask her twice. She stands and slips her harness on, then her sword, and her machete, and her blade. He watches her re-braid her hair. He wants to tell her how beautiful she is, but clearly now is not the time. They walk out of the tower and toward the temple.

Nyx refuses to step foot in the bunker so Bellamy throws a hazmat suit up to her. She protests, not wanting to put it on, but complies after he tells her that she won't be helping anyone if she drops dead. She wants to tell him that if she drops dead then Raven would too, and there would be no one left to save, but she doesn't want to start an argument because she knows they're running out of time.

"Nyx," Nathans's voice calls from the hatch. He climbs out to see her, a apology is on his face before he even speaks. "I'm so sorry, Nyx. You didn't deserve that. Not a second time," Nathan says reaching over to hug her tightly. He squeezes her so hard as if he can squeeze out the pain.

Bellamy watches wondering what Miller means by 'second time.'

"Nathan, when I come back I'm not coming into that bunker," she admits to him. Their eyes are locked, and she is serious.

Nate looks at her with furrowed browns, "Nyx -"

"No, Nate. I'm serious. This is it," she is firm.

Bellamy watches the exchange as Miller nods and tells her he loves her. He kicks himself mentally because he doesn’t understand how everyone else can say it but him.

"I love you too, Nate," she plants a kiss on his cheek and puts her helmet on.

Bellamy thought that was goodbye, but only seconds later Miller comes up with his own suit in hand.

"What are you doing, Nathan?" she is concerned when she sees him stepping into it.

"I'm coming with you," Miller says.

"The hell you are. Get back in the bunker, Miller. Now," her voice is demanding, but it doesn’t faze him.

"I left you out here once, I'm not doing it again. You don't get to run away and kill yourself, okay!" Nathan yells back. He can't lose her.

"I'm sorry, Nate," she says and before even Bellamy realizes it, she hits Nate on the neck and he is out on the ground. "Get him inside, Bellamy, and let's go before anyone else gets any ideas," she says.