The Graveyards We Leave Behind

Every moment of the trip to the lab brings back images of Roan. The first time she came this way was with him, and maybe if she had just let them do their experiments without pushing Clarke, then he would still be alive. It's her fault, and she knows it.

John and Emori are whispering to each other. Nyx wants to smile at the idea that John found someone to love, but Roan's eyes just wont let her. From the front of the convoy she hears Clarke and Bellamy talk. She tells him she is sorry for leaving them and Nyx holds her breath in anticipation of the words to come. When she hears him say, "I forgive you," she tries to imagine she is in Clarke's place, but Roan's eyes won't let her see Bellamy's. She is better for him, Nyx thinks to herself before she feels the convoy drive off the road and crash.

When Nyx climbs out of the vehicle Echo is standing there, and the ground is littered with men with arrows in their backs. She knows they're talking, but she can't focus because Roan is standing next to Echo with a smile on his face.

"Echo what are you doing here? Go back to the damn bunker," Nyx yells interrupting the conversation. She won't let the woman die. It is all that's left of Roan.

"They have no room for me in there," Echo says with her eyes locked on Bellamy.

"What are you talking about? Azgeda will pick you to go into that bunker, and you know it," Nyx doesn't understand why she wants to sacrifice herself when she can live. She can carry on his memory.

"Roan banished her," Bellamy clears his throat from behind weary of saying the king's name in her presence.

"What? When?" the words leave Nyx's mouth like gasps. Roan didn’t tell her about this.

"At the conclave," Echo adds. There is no remorse in her voice.

"Both of you were at the conclave?" her words catch in her throat when she realizes that she could have went in and saved him.

"Ice Nation had two people fighting. It wasn't fair," Bellamy argues. He's scared of what she'll say, but he believes in what he did.

Nyx doesn't say anything. She looks to Echo with a gratitude. She had tried to help Roan before Bellamy interfered. Nyx won’t let her die. She owes Echo for trying to save Roan's life. She hears Bellamy trying to radio Monty as she helps Echo suit up. Clarke is now bleeding without the suit she had to donate to Emori. They are running out of time.

They are stranded now that the convoy has crashed, and they've wasted an hour sitting around. One look to her wrist, and she knows their sentence. "You two should head back while there's still time. We can go after Raven," she directs her words to Clarke and Bellamy. She knows now there's nothing left in that bunker for the four of them, but Bellamy and Clarke still had a chance.

"I'm not leaving you here. Miller would have my head as soon as I walked in," Bellamy argues as he stands up leaving Clarke to lean against the convoy instead of his shoulder.

"You're going to die because you're scared Miller will kill you?" Nyx scoffs. If that was a declaration of love, he sucked at it.

"We agreed we'd bring Raven home," he adds staring her down.

"There is no home, Bellamy. If you continue then you can never go back. There's no time," she warns as her eyes peer into his.

"Then 'til death do us apart, I guess," he says before walking to meet the rover that is pulling up.

They are lucky that Monty and Harper show up. Clarke is grateful to see that they have an extra suit for her.

"Monty," Nyx starts, "if you leave with us, you won't make it back." Nyx feels obligated to warn the couple.

"We'll figure something out. We always do," he reassures her. They are dedicated.

The rest of their journey is rough for Nyx. She is seated in the back of the rover with Bellamy next to her. Monty is a better driver than her ex so she had to endure his company.

"I'm sorry, Nyx," Bellamy says to her. Those are a pair of words she would have killed to hear him say, but she knows they're not in regard to his actions so they're useless to her.

"I know you loved Roan. Maybe if I had let Echo help him…" he trails off. He knows that could have meant the end of Skaikru, but he is sure Roan would have let them in just as Octavia did. Now Roan is dead, and Bellamy feels guilty mostly for wondering if this could be another opportunity for them to reunite.

"The dead can't help us now, Bellamy," Nyx tells him as she channels her dead lover's wisdom.

"Yea, but I know you," he begins, "just because you understand the logic of it doesn't mean you'll let it go." When she doesn't say anything he continues, "you were finally happy, and I can't let you go down that old road again. The way you deal isn't healthy."

"That sounds like a load of jealous bullshit to me," she scoffs. "Besides, we're dying, and there's no one left to fuck anyway." She couldn't believe he was so obsessed with her sex life even though he wanted nothing to do with her.

"First of all, we're not dying - we'll figure it out. Second, I can't sit around and watch you destroy yourself again," he is adamant.

"It's none of your fucking business," she says. She is glad that they've arrived at the lab because she can't listen to Bellamy any more.

Nyx is the first to walk into the lab where Raven sits at the computer, her fingers typing erratically.

"We have to go to space," she says when she hears the crew walk in behind her.

"You can get us up there before the death wave hits?" Monty asks.

Raven nods adding that the death wave can kiss her ass. It is time to prepare.

Nyx is happy to hear that they can survive. She is stuck wondering how she'll get out of it.

The radio room in the lab is just as grey and dreary as the Ark. Nyx is surprised the colors of the world had not faded from her eyes, but she knows it will come soon and doesn’t want to be here for it. In the corner Bellamy is talking to Octavia. Nyx wants to say goodbye to the girl so badly, but she can not bring herself to interrupt the siblings. When the radio dies, and Clarke comes in Nyx averts her eyes.

Clarke's sobs don’t bother her, but seeing her tangled up in Bellamy's arms is too painful to watch. Thankfully Raven interrupts them. The communication system is down. Clarke volunteers to go install it at the tower while Bellamy has to accompany Murphy to get Monty who has passed out from the radiation.

They have five minutes left before launch now. "Let me go after her," Nyx suggests, knowing that Clarke is gone but seeing it as a way out for herself too.

"Are you fucking stupid? I'm not going to let you kill yourself," Bellamy shouts. He is angry that Clarke is not back. "Put your fucking suit back on and get on the damn ship, Nyx," he is demanding, and she realizes there is no way out.

The six of them sit in the rocket waiting. Nyx wishes she could escape. She would be stuck on that tin can in space for years with this crew, and she doesn't know how she'll be able to live with herself.

"Clarke would want us to go," Bellamy says after Emori protests.

Nyx sits in her chair. She is strapped in and thinking of all the ways she could kill herself when they get up there. She would float, she decides as Raven launches the countdown sequence.

Before they know it they are shooting through the atmosphere. Nyx's hand is in Bellamy's just like it was four years ago when they first landed on the planet. He is holding the glove of her suit with his own even after the turbulence stops and the ring comes into view.

"The lights aren't on," Nyx breaths. Clarke didn't make it?

"I'm going to get ready for when they are. Remember to relax, we only have minutes of oxygen," Raven reminds them.

It is painstaking watching Raven wait at the door. When the lights flash on and the door is open, the five of them proceed onto the ship with the oxygen scrubber. It is getting harder to breath as they wait for Monty to hook it up. When Emori and Echo are out of oxygen, Nyx shares hers. It is a good excuse for death.

Just as quickly as her eyes flutter shut, they open back up and her lungs stop singing from the pain. The loud whir of the vent is in her ear, and she grabs Emori and Echo, placing them in front of the shaft to help them breath. Her eyes lock with Bellamy's who reaches out to help her up.

Nyx walks off to explore the station. Greyer than she remembers it. She listens from down the hall as the others exchange laughs and hugs of relief. She is not relieved about anything.

When she finds an airlock she begins to peel of her suit. She stands in her tank top and jeans, but before she can enter the chamber the clearing of a throat resounds behind her. She turns to see Bellamy standing at the doorway.

His t-shirt has more holes in it than she can count and his skin is smudged with so much dirt he looks darker than he is. The curls of his hair sit on his forehead as his brown eyes sit on her.

"What do you want, Bellamy?" she is frustrated that he's interrupted her. When he doesn't answer she sighs and says, "I'm sorry about Clarke." As if that would help. He apologized to her about Roan, and that didn't do shit.

"Clarke did what she had to do for us to be up here," he tells her, "let's not let that be in vain." He looks between her and the airlock as if he knows what she's planning to do.

"Well then I hope your sister is taking care of the people Roan died to save," she chides back.

"We're stuck her for at least five years, Nyx, and this time there isn’t a hundred people you can hide among. It would do you some good to have a conversation with me," he tells her, wanting to kiss her pouty lips.

"We are having a conversation," she is snide with him.

"You know what I'm talking about," he tells her. He walks up to her, standing by her side watching the Earth through the window turn into a raging fireball. When she says nothing he looks over at her. Her hair is braided back just like his sister's. She looks so thin in that tank top that he could almost see her ribs through it. Staying up here without any food won't help that. He would make sure she eats. He promised Roan.

"Well," Bellamy clears his throat, "I'm happy that you're here." There is a small smile on his face. Clarke is gone. He can't do anything about that, but his sister is alive and so is Nyx. Two out of three isn't so bad, he resolved.

"That makes one of us," Nyx has a monotone. She doesn't want to be here. She doesn't want to be with him. She stares out into the void of the universe imagining what it would feel like to dissolve back into stardust. She imagines the atoms breaking off one by one. Returning to the universe would be freeing. Then whatever left of the soul trapped in her shell could find it's way to Roan somewhere. What galaxy would his soul pick to travel to? She decides she will out find out soon.

"Nyx," Bellamy's voice flutters to her ears, tickling her neck from so far away.

She looks over at him, not believing that he could still make her feel this way from five feet away and after so many years. The sad smile tugging on his lips is also tugging on her heart.

"It fucking sucks," he tells her, and she knows he is talking about Roan, "but it'll get better."

Nyx nods biting her cheek. There is nothing to say. It doesn't matter that death has torn them apart, it'll reunite them soon enough.