The Graveyards We Leave Behind

They have been back in the sky for a year, and things have changed dramatically. Harper and Monty are a real thing now. If she had to say, Nyx would admit that it was the most idyllic relationship that she could imagine. It's funny how the cards fall into certain people's hands yet she can't seem to break even. She is happy for them, but the sight of them makes her miss Roan.

It's gotten easier to live day by day, but when there's not much to live for it's still a struggle. A break up is hard enough, but watching the man you love die in front of you - that's something entirely different. Even a year later, sometimes Nyx finds herself on the verge of a breakdown. Her self destruction has climbed a level she didn't think was possible, but she's fighting the depression from swallowing her whole.

While one relationship has been brought to fruition, another has been torn apart. Murphy and Emori have separated already. It seemed that she couldn’t wait to become Raven's apprentice and get her hands on the buttons and gears of the ship. She was mesmerized by the universe as soon as she left the ground. Unavoidably John felt neglected. He was too needy after being rejected his whole life. The two of them were almost cut from the same branch, and though Nyx thought it was beautiful that they could find solace within each other, she knew it was a bomb waiting to explode.

It bothers Nyx that Bellamy and Echo seemed to grow close too. Nyx and Murphy are the odd ones out, but it seems that is the only thing that hasn’t changed. They never fit in from the moment their shoes touched the dirt, and they should have known that it wouldn't be any different up here. Space has a way of making you feel small and insignificant, and if that doesn’t stir up an existential crisis in your head then the lack of companionship and the surplus of boredom will.

She still finds herself thinking about Roan. In her defense, there is only so much to do on this godforsaken hunk of metal. As much as she realizes there are worse people to be stuck here with, she can not help but to feel suffocated. She deserves it, she believes. She never deserved to be with someone as good as him. She should have died. He should have lived. That guilt that comes with such thoughts consumes her.

Praimfaya was the universe's way of repaying them for the graveyards they littered the Earth with. They took that planet as if it was theirs to take, and played God by scattering bodies left and right to rot back into the soil. What did they expect? For the Earth to keep nurturing them? Nyx scoffs at the thought.

She has been thinking too much lately. She is back at the airlock chamber standing in her cuirass that she pulled from the drawer this morning after breakfast. It's as tight as she can get it, but it suits her again. The algae and the training has helped her bulk up some, and she is not the skinny drunken girl Roan would remember, though she has to admit she has begged Monty to figure out how to stir up some moonshine a few times. With the lack of resources she knows she's out of luck. The first few weeks were the hardest. Her body felt like it was evacuating from a nuclear threat, and she spent the majority of her days in the bathroom and in the bed. When she did manage to eat, Monty's algae nearly killed her too. He's perfected the recipe since, and they were as successful as they could be trapped in a soup can in the sky.

She has pulled her hair back into a braid today. She's been wearing it down, but days like these it brings her comfort to imagine herself as she was with Roan.

There is a pathetic smile on her face as her hand hovers over the red button. She has tried to become one with the universe so many times, but she has resolved that today is the day. Before she has a chance to push the button and suck the air out of her lungs, the chamber opens and Murphy is standing there disapprovingly.

"What are you doing?" he is harsh as he grabs her arm and yanks her into the ship. His hair is cut short now, and there is nothing to hide the anger in his eyes as he stares her down.

"It's time, John," the words are calm as they ooze out of her mouth. She's determined.

"Time!? For what?! To kill yourself?" she has taken his breath away in the worst way possible. "When we stood here a year ago I thought you were done with this shit!" He gasps out. He's in disbelief of her selfishness. In this moment she is the calm and he is the storm raging behind her.

"I've been done for years," she tells him, "you understood once." She knows she looks pathetic. She feels so fucking pathetic. She's tried to scrub it off her skin so many times, but has never succeeded. Just when she was on the verge of some makeshift happiness it had been torn from her, and she doesn't know how to come back this time. There is no Nathan to sink her claws into and forget with. There is only grey ship and empty space that mimics the hole in her heart.

"Fuck, Nyx," it rolls off his tongue in a sigh. "I still do. How many times have you watched them all walk away from you and called them cowards? You're gonna give them an opportunity to call you one?" he is trying to reel her back in. His words are a cop out as he places with the hem of his forest green shirt, but he doesn’t know any other way to keep her here.

"I don't care anymore," she admits. She admires the way his shirt brings out the color of his eyes, the pain in them. She's sorry there's so much pain, but she can't help in the way he wants her too. She can't stay. Her burdens are too heavy to carry that even Atlas would drop them from his shoulders.

"Why? Because of Roan? Goddamn it. Take that fucking thing off. I swear I'm gonna burn it," his hands are working at the speed of like to unfasten her armor. It's his turn to be selfish. He needs her here. He's afraid he'll follow in her footsteps if she goes.

"Murphy, stop!" she is angry now. He doesn't have the right.

"No! You don't get to fucking kill yourself, Nyx! You don't get to leave me here alone!" he demands as he fights back the tears that are welling in his eyes.

When his words hit her like bricks she stops fighting, letting him unstrap the armor and run his hands along her body as he works it off. She feels the familiar electricity of arousal stream through her, but she fights it because she knows it's not what he's here for. "John, I -" her words are interrupted by his anger.

"You're fucking selfish," he accuses, throwing the leather chest piece into the chamber before shutting its door. She's his ground, and the current would tear him to pieces when his emotions flood him if she's not there. She should know by now.

Nyx watches it fall to the ground before turning to look at him. His short hair is still as slicked back as he can get it, but the beard growing on his face is a sign of neglect. He has lost Emori a few months ago, and Nyx has not been there like he is for her.

"I'm sorry, John. I'm a shitty friend. The only thing I've ever been good for is a fuck," she sighs before realizing she sounds like she's offering. The arousal is still heavy in her belly, and subconsciously that's all she wants right now.

"I know it seems like we're gonna be here forever," he starts, "but it's only a few more years, and we need each other to make it, okay?" He needs to hear her say that she understands. If he loses her too, he might just lose himself.

"After all this time, I think I can put myself on hold for you," she manages, pulling him so close to wrap her arms around his shoulders. She can hear his heart beating out of his chest, and she knows she's taken this too far. Self destruction isn’t just to oneself. She's been blinded by her own emptiness to see how deeply rooted his has become.

"I don't want you to put yourself on hold," his whispers tickle her ear, "I just want you to realize there's more here for you than you think." He'll take care of her. He knows it's not the same, but he'll do his best. She's his best friend.

Nyx sighs, "there's nothing here for me John, but I'll stay a little while longer for you." She knows it sounds terrible because in the vacuum of the empty room she can hear her own whispers, but even though her brain is telling her to shut up she can't help but to let the depression speak for her.

The clearing of a throat from the entryway grabs her attention from John. Her eyes dart to see Bellamy standing there, squinting at the scene.

John's low growl of frustration pulls her attention back in. He lets go of her as he shakes his head. "You talk to her. I can't do this," he bumps Bellamy with his shoulder on his way out of the room, and Nyx is left wishing she had pushed that button before he found her.

Bellamy's brows are furrowed as he watches John storm down the hallway. When his eyes land back on Nyx he follows her gaze to the airlock to see her armor on the ground.

"What's going on?" his voice is like hot wax as it hovers over her threatening to burn her skin with every drop - every word. He doesn't understand what she's feeling, and he never will. She wants to keep blaming him, but she knows that she's fucked up.

"Nothing," she doesn't want to talk about this with him. Her posture shifts awkwardly under his gaze, and she wants to run away. John is right. She's become the coward.

"Yeah, well, that sure didn't seem like nothing," he allows himself to walk into the room. He can feel her eyes on him as he struts in confidently.

"You don’t really need to know shit," her words spit at him. She has waited for him for so long, and it's really taken a toll on her.

"You weren't thinking about doing anything stupid, were you?" he asks as he walks over to unlock the chamber and pull her armor off the ground. His eyes are almost devouring her as he wait for a response.

Bellamy walks over to her, the cuirass in his hand drags against the floor next to him. He is so close to her that she forgets to breath as her eyes ghost over the freckles that adorn his handsome face. There is no space between them at all because she can feel his pelvis against her as his chestnut eyes flicker from her own to her lips.

"Good," he sighs out interpreting her silence as a no, and the breath from his mouth sets her on fire for a moment before Bellamy backs up to hand her the cuirass.

"Well, are you gonna take it?" he asks when she doesn’t move.

Nyx clears her throat when she feels her cheeks flush rouge. She reaches over to pull her belongings from his grasp, but when he doesn't let go her eyes dart up to meet a glimmer in his and a smirk on his face.

He drops his right arm back down as he takes a step forward again lifting his left hand to allow it to graze her hip before it drops to his side. "Don't tell that after all these years of being pushed around by Miller this is all it takes to get you hot and bothered," he is sarcastic as he smiles knowingly while holding her gaze. She is searching his eyes because this is not lust she sees as her belly grows warm from the feel of him so close she could smell him. The arousal from Murphy's hands on her hasn't settled, and Bellamy being so close is almost driving her to the ledge of a cliff she might not be able to climb back from.

"Bellamy," Echo's voice is like a growl from the door, and Nyx looks over to see the familiar scowl on the woman's face. She's almost grateful for the interruption because she's terrified she might have made a move in her desperate emotional state.

Bellamy doesn't say anymore. The moment is interrupted, and he knows he can't win her back now. He hands her the armor and turns to walk away, following Echo down the hall.

Nyx lets out a groan when the footsteps fade, realizing she has let him see her weak and seduced with the touch of his breath. They were so close, she could have had him so easily, but Echo always seems to be in between her and the men she wants.

For a moment Nyx wishes they didn’t save her, but she pushes the thought from her mind after the guilt seeps in. That is selfish, and she promised Murphy she wouldn't be selfish anymore.

She leaves the cuirass on a chair in the room before making her way to their dinning hall. She watches as Harper leans over to give Monty a kiss, thanking him for algae they would eat for dinner. Nyx sits down next to Murphy.

John looks up at her, his eyes empty and cold. She lets her knee hit his before offering him a smile. When he manages to shoot her one back she reaches over to grab his hand, lacing their fingers and squeezing - hoping to bring him back from wherever his thoughts took him.

Emori sets a bowl down in front of her, eyeing the hands entwined beneath the table. Nyx watches her roll her eyes and scoff, but she makes no attempt to let go. This is not something she wants to hide. She is not there to steal John, Emori did fine losing him on her own. John is her best friend, and their tangled hands are a comfort to both of them. Nyx needs it, but so does he. At the bottom of it, there is nothing more than pain in the space between them.

When she hears a chair screech across the floor she looks over to see Bellamy seating himself in front of her. There is a subtle smirk on his face as he stares over at her, his eyes piercing through her like his words would if he spoke.

Her breath catches in her throat as she holds his gaze. He knows now. There is no going back. She is back to needing him. Needing him so badly it hurt again. Maybe now is the time for that conversation he's wanted, but what if it turns into more and then less simultaneously? Nyx feels the fear build in her chest, suffocating her desire to feel him on her. She breaks the hold he has on her to reach up and slurp up the algae before excusing herself from the table and running away. When she shuts the door of her room she lets out a breath. The sudden necessity of him is so terrifying that she is desperately trying to envision anything else but Bellamy. She tries to imagine Roan, but his eyes won't find her, instead she is met with the speckles of honey that sit beneath Bellamy's, strengthening the need inside her.