The Graveyards We Leave Behind

"I thought you agreed you wouldn't kill the defectors," Bellamy's voice is almost crying as he yells at his sister. His fists are clenched and shaking while his eyes stare her down empty expression. She’s not the little girl he used to know anymore, and he hates the ground for it.

"I agreed to let Echo go," Octavia replies. Her words are lackluster, emotionless. Her tone is as dull as the look she gives her brother. It seems as if nothing can phase her. People are dead, and her reaction is short and to the point. She hasn’t been very talkative, but neither has anyone that came out of that bunker.

Nyx stands in the corner of the room leaning against the cold concrete wall with her arms crossed over her chest. Miller is at her side as promised, and they stand together listening to the conversation in front of them together. He can feel her shiver, his arm pressed up against hers. The Blake soap opera is quite entertaining, but he allows himself to indulge in side glances every now and then, only feeling the butterflies in his belly settle at the sight of the woman in his peripheral view. Nyx, on the other hand, is bored. She’s tired. She thought the ground would be different, and how gullible she was to believe it for a second time. She’s lost whatever will she had, and now the minutes pass tediously, dreadfully.

"You murdered your own people," Bellamy accuses making Nyx raise a brow. She could swear that he would cry then and there if Echo had gotten hit. The pain in his voice is palpable, and to her jealous ears it’s misconstrued. She thinks to herself that she'd been childish to believe him when he said nothing was happening between himself and the former spy. From her side, Nathan can feel her tense, and he glances over to see her let out a silent sigh between her parted lips. Old habits die hard, and he’s beginning to think that her addiction to Bellamy is permanent.

"I executed traitors," Octavia spits back. She sounds strong and angry, but Nyx can hear that desperation in the back of her throat. She is scared that the little power he has is slipping out of her very hands. Nyx watches Bellamy’s face soften. He can’t be mad at his baby sister. She’s spiraling out of control, and Bellamy will try to fix her.

"None of you will talk about what happened down there,” his voice is soft, and his words leave his lips in a sigh. “Tell me, O, I'm your brother,” he’s bartering even though he knows he’s got nothing to give, and she’ll probably never tell. “If that bunker has you messed up in the head you can admit it, and I won't judge you, but you can't keep living like this," Bellamy is desperate too, but he doesn't hide it. He had thought he was coming back to Earth to find his sister. Instead he found Blodreina. She hasn’t looked at him the same since Lincoln died. He thought it was tough then, but now it seems hopeless. He watches her expression, but it’s as angry as it had been a moment ago, and he resolves that there’s no coming back for them.

"That's enough," Miller says from Nyx's side. She looks at him from the corner of her eye, curious about his loyalty. His automatic rifle is polished on his shoulder, and she can easily tell that he’s irritated by the way his nose flares with every silent breath. Who the hell was Octavia down there to deserve such worship? What the hell happened in that bunker?

"Let me know when the Eye is down," Octavia’s irritated tone rings through the air, demanding Nyx’s attention. She watches the girl walk away, the thump of her boots echoing through the desolate room, and she can’t help but think that she should’ve taken all those chances she had on the ring and gotten herself out of this.

Bellamy scoffs at the air around him, dirty hands on the tattered jeans hugging his hips, and when he turns around Nyx catches his eye. He blinks again to make sure she's real, but he doesn't know what to say. How long has she been there? The argument with Octavia slips his mind for a moment as he takes her in. Her dark hair falls in waves over her shoulders, and her hands grasp at the pair of arms crossed tightly before her chest. The way she looks at him, through her eyelashes with barely parted lips, makes him want to kiss her.

"What are you lookin' at? She's got clothes on this time," Miller tries to be smart. He doesn’t like the way Bellamy’s looking at her, so he throws his arm around Nyx's shoulder bringing her closer to him. The mean mug he gives the man makes Nyx roll her eyes, and she turns her gaze just in time to see Bellamy shake his head at them before walking out.

"Don’t let him get to you," Nathan says, giving her a squeeze before letting go completely. They walk in silence, listening to the dragging of their shoes against the concrete of the bunker. She hasn’t missed it. She finds herself missing the grey of the ring and a bowl of algae. She’s missing the games of Scrabble, and nights in John’s bed talking about nothing. Images of Bellamy flash across her thoughts before Nyx finally decides to speak.

"I told him I love him," she admits looking down at her feet. She doesn’t know why, but she’s scared of what Nate will think.

"When?" Nathan is surprised by the news. He stops in his tracks to look at her, to make sure she isn’t really slipping away because it sure feels like she is.

"This morning,” she’s too afraid to look at him. “God, I almost killed him, Nate,” she chuckles nervously, “and the worst part is he told me to.” Nyx kicks at the dirt buried in the pores of the cement as she talks, “and like a fucking idiot, I told him I would’ve done it if I didn't love him," her voice is so desperate as it leaves her that it makes Nate slightly uncomfortable.

"What do you mean you almost killed him?" Nate chuckles at the idea. His laugh is just as nervous as Nyx’s was a moment ago as his mind runs at the speed of light in attempt to comprehend the situation.

"He ticked me off a little. It doesn't matter. The point is he knows," she emphasizes before reaching to open the door and walking into Nate's room. She undoes her armor before throwing herself on the mattress as her eyes examine the remnants of a broken chair settled on the ground.

"You weren't kidding when you said you almost killed him," Nate laughs. This time he’s amused as he takes his jacket off and hangs it on the door.

"I didn't do that," she replies wondering what did happen when she left here this morning.

"And what did he say?" Nate can’t help but to pry so he decides he’ll leave the mess til morning. He’s wondering if Bellamy said it back.

"And nothing. He doesn't care. He's obviously too busy thinking about other things with his girlfriend defecting and all," the irritation on Nyx’s voice is obvious.

"Oh, baby girl," Nathan sighs as he lays himself down next to her after flipping the light switch. The glow of the nightlight plugged into the far corner is enough to illuminate her welling eyes. "It's been so long. Don't you think it's time you put this past you?" He reaches over to push her hair behind her ears before kicking the blanket up to cover them.

Nyx doesn't say anything. She wiggles out of her pants and throws them over Nate's body onto the ground. Her bra and shirt follow until she is completely naked and pressed up against him. He is leaner than he used to be, but she expected that. Who would have thought life in space with Monty's algae was better than on the ground?

"You don't understand how much I missed you," he whispers to her with his hand on her face. The feel of her warm skin against his has him lightheaded.
.
"Probably as much as I missed you," she responds biting her lip in anticipation. She can’t deny that she missed this feeling, the comfort of being wrapped up in Nathan.

When the door suddenly opens Nyx is surprised to hear a male voice say, "hey, babe." The light from the hall illuminates his face enough for her to recognize his features. When he realizes Miller has company he is flustered. "Oh, right, sorry, I, uh, I didn't know, sorry," he says nervously before stepping back out.

Nyx chuckles, "Jackson, huh? You should have told me. I could have crashed somewhere else." She’s amused by the shock on Nate’s face so she nudges him to lighten the mood.

"Yea, I kind of forgot. You're a little inebriating to be honest. No one really comes close," Nate speaks lightly into the little space of air between them, forgetting about Jackson the moment her eyes peer into his. "Anyway," he clears his throat after realizing what he'd admitted, "tell me about space."

"Well, unlike you I didn’t exactly have a thousand people to choose from," she smirks.

"I didn't think about that. I can't imagine you not having sex for five years. You must be going crazy right now," he is grinning at her. He knows the light touches he’s leaving on her hip are driving her insane, and he loves the fact that he can tease her so easily.

"I didn't say I didn't have sex, all I said was I didn’t have much of a choice," she laughs at his reaction. The raised brow on his face deepens her chuckle as she feels him adjust himself under the covers.

"What?" Nate is shocked. It's not like he expected to her wait for him or anything, but who could she have slept with? He doesn’t like the idea.

"Just a few times in the last couple years. Murphy," she admits with a gulp wondering how he's doing out in the woods.

"I thought he was with the grounder chick?" Nate raises his brow. Nyx had her fair share of men, but even she had boundaries.

"Yea, well, space does weird things to relationships," she shrugs suddenly feeling solemn. "It was hard without you, Nate. Murphy saved me from the airlock more times than I can count," another admission at keeps her gaze averted from him.

Nate clears his throat in surprise, "well then, I'll make sure to thank him when I see him again." It’s tough hearing that she’s spiraled so far down her rabbit hole that life isn’t worth living. People tend to get over things they think they’ll never get over, and here’s Nyx, his Nyx, still trying to fight the depression she fell into over a decade ago.

"Life's been so upside down for me ever since Mount Weather, and I don't seem to know how to let go," she is full of confessions tonight.

"We'll fix it the way we always do," he tells her wrapping her up in his arms. He doesn’t know how to make it better, but he’s going to try.

Nyx doesn't wait for him to make the first move. She leans in to kiss him, and she is met with hot and chapped lips that move with her like they are molded to fit. This time his kiss is gentle. His hands are pulling her close before his fingers reach to play with her hair. This is the first time Nate's tongue asks for permission as it tickles her lip. She answer with her own tongue, and the kiss develops passionately. There are moans, but they are soft, much like the way her skin feels on his. She doesn't reach for his cock, and, surprisingly, Nate keeps his arms locked in the embrace. When he breaks the kiss Nyx smiles gingerly, and he definitely notices the shyness that veils her eyes. He gives her a peck on the forehead before saying, "go to sleep, baby."

"Goodnight, Nate," she whispers as her eyes shut upon his command enjoying the safeness of his grasp.

"Goodnight, Nyx," he agrees watching her for a few moments before his eyes follow suit.

The next morning when she wakes the mess in the room is cleaned up, and Nathan is already gone. With a sigh she stands and puts her clothes on, then the armor, then the weapons. Every morning and every night is a ritual again. She decides to make the bed whose sheets remind her of Roan's. As she turns down the hallway a few minutes later she feels like she can see his honey eyes in her peripheral vision following her every step. She is glad that Echo is gone because the ground makes his memory so fresh, and the spy doesn't help either.

The command room is empty this morning, so Nyx decides to try the garden. Sure enough Monty is in there holding a letter in his hand whilst talking to Bellamy. "Never thought I'd miss space so much," Nyx catches him say as she walks in. She glances around at the sad excuse of a garden before her eyes lock with Monty's.

"I thought you said we could fix this with your algae, Mont?" she is curious because it doesn’t look like there’s been any progress made.

"It doesn’t matter anymore, Nyx. This war is unavoidable," he sounds hopeless.

Nyx raises a brow before grabbing the paper from his hands and skimming it. "Where the fuck did you get Jasper's suicide letter, and why they fuck are you sitting here reading it?" Nyx is irritated. This is not how they would make it on the ground again. "The dead can't help us, Monty. We don’t have a choice but to survive, okay?" She takes a note from Murphy's page who’s talked her out of these situations plenty of times.

"I'm not gonna kill myself, Nyx. I just don't want to live like this anymore," he admits.

"We don't have a choice. I know what you're feeling, Monty. I know the emptiness is a quickly spreading disease once you let it in," Nyx feels Bellamy's eyes on her as she talks. "But Monty, you have no choice except to fight it. Everyday is a struggle, and Harper will be there to guide you through it. I'll be there. First we have to make it, then we get to really live," she finds herself promising.

Monty gives her nod, and just as he is about to sigh out some depressing spiel, the door to the hydrofarm opens. Nyx grabs the boys, and they shield their bodies from view underneath a table and up against some large pots. They watch with surprise as Connor walks in with a body. Her fingers are quick to open a secured door, which she is quick to enter and leave empty handed. Nyx's eyebrows furrow, and she waits until the woman leaves the room altogether before standing tall.

"What's in there?" Nyx asks nervously, hoping Monty would know.

"We can find out," Monty says, standing to grab some hedge trimmers.

Nyx watches in amusement, completely impressed when the door unlocks before them without him even touching it. She is the first to walk in, but when she sees the bodies oozing with worms trapped in chambers she steps back and into Bellamy.

Bellamy's hands reach out to grab her hips and stabilize her feet. He hears Nyx gag at the sight as his own skin rises in a cool shiver. He reaches to turn her around, and she doesn’t protest but eagerly hides her face in his chest.

"Let's get out of here," Bellamy suggests as he wraps his arms around Nyx.

"Bellamy, if Ocativa is -" Monty starts but is interrupted.

"My sister it not doing this," Bellamy's voice sounds threatening when he turns to yell at Monty.

"Monty's right, Bell," Nyx's voice sounds disgusted as she looks up to talk to him. His heart skips a beat when she calls him Bell and her green eyes peer up at him. "We have to tell Indra," she says.

Bellamy gulps. He doesn’t know what they did in this bunker or even who Octavia is now, but she couldn’t be capable of this. As he looks down at Nyx though, he can't bring himself to say no to her, so he nods. When they walk out of the room, Nyx quickly recovers and lets go of Bellamy's warm body. They wait awkwardly in each others company while Monty goes to get Indra who walks into the room hesitantly.

Nyx stays behind. She can't stomach the fact that Octavia piloted this experiment. The world has turned completely upside down for her, and all of what has happened has been too much for her to take. When the three come out of the room, Monty says he's going to check on the Eye. Nyx and Bellamy wait again in a room full of anxiety for Octavia to be summoned.

"You knew about this?" Bellamy is the first to speak. He points to the room as he looks down on his sister in fear but also in hope that he is wrong.

"What if they destroy the valley?" Indra speaks next. She recognizes Octavia's look. It is one of admission of guilt.

"They can't survive in a green environment," Octavia states bluntly. She doesn’t seem to care.

"Are we really having this conversation? Our friends are down there," Nyx is furious.

"Acceptable losses for our survival," Octavia is simple and frank. There is no remorse in the aura surrounding her, and Bellamy is frightened by it.

Nyx steps closer to the Blake sister. She is unafraid now that she knows who Octavia has become. "You keep them in line with fear. Even if you help them survive like this, they will not thank you. You reign because the time of the commanders is over, but subordinates only accept dictators because they believe the next one will be worse. When we show them a democracy, you'll be shaking even harder in those blood stained boots than you have been. The hundreds you've killed for show will haunt you, Octavia," Nyx's words are laced with a venom no one in that room has heard before. As Roan's eyes peer at her from a corner she forces herself past the girl and out of the room.

She walks quietly, and his ghost walks next to her leaving her feeling nauseous. When she hears Bellamy's footsteps from behind, she begins to walk faster. She cannot find herself trapped between two loves again, so she barges into the closest room glad to find it empty. When she sits down on the mattress and looks up to see Roan again she sighs. The cry that escapes her lips surprises her.

"I can't do this, Roan. I can't," she tells him. His ghost his silent, but she knows how to read those eyes. "I should have left to find you in the stars when I had the chance. Now I'm stuck here again waiting for the fucking world to end," the sobs leaves her in waves as she looks at the apparition in front of her. "Everything has been so fucked up since you've died," she confesses out loud. The smile on Roan's face is understanding and reassuring. She can almost feel the squeeze of his hand right now as she looks at his ghost. "I thought I could do this, but there's nothing left, Roan," she sighs, reaching up to wipe her tears.

"Nyx…" a voice from beside her shocks her out of the daydream. When she sees Bellamy at the door she can hear Roan's voice in her head telling him to keep her safe. She feels an overwhelming desperation to run into his arms, but the thought of Echo keeps her from it.
When she doesn't say anything, Bellamy comes closer until he is sitting on the bed with her engulfing her in his arms.

"I'm done, Bellamy. There's nothing left," she admits to him what she couldn’t every time he found her in that airlock.

"You've been saying that for the past five years, but you're still here," he tells her. He doesn’t know how Murphy talked her out of it all those times, but now it’s his turn, and he’ll be damned if he fails.

"That's because I thought we all had a chance down here, but everything is different. Everyone is different," she is heartbroken that praimfaya had somehow taken even the souls that survived it.

"We're going to make it, Nyx. Be as strong as you've always been," he pleads. He can’t lose her.

"I'm tired of being strong," Nyx confesses, weaseling her way out of his grasp.

"I have to ask you to be because I don't know what I would do without you," it is Bellamy's turn to confess.

Nyx's head spins to look at him when the words leave his mouth. He sounds as desperate as she is, but she doesn't understand what he means. "If this is about Octavia, then I can't help you. She's too far gone," she tells him. If he needed her to ground his sister again then it was above her pay grade. There is nothing she could do for him anymore. Nothing she could do for herself. She stands to walk out of the room. The hallway is abandoned, and Roan's ghost is gone.

"It's not about Octavia, Nyx," he grabs a hold of her before she can walk too far away. He looks her in the eyes, and he can see the desolation that has crept into them. He wants to tell her that he loves her so badly, but he is a coward. "It's about you, Nyx. Us," is all he can manage.

"Nyx!" There is a shout from down the hall that interrupts them. Nathan is running toward them, and he stops to catch his breath before he says, "Echo did it. The Eye is out. If we're going to save them we have to move."

Nyx's eyes flutter to Bellamy for a second. She wants to ask him what he means, but this is a conversation for another time. In the meantime she will concede and be the strength he needs. She gives Nathan a nod and reaches her hand out to the Blake brother who takes it without hesitation. They turn to follow Nathan out of the bunker. Nyx is trying to fight the emptiness inside her while Bellamy is trying to fight his butterflies as they re-emerge from Earth with a strength of the ghosts of the clans that have become graveyards at their hands. Nyx finds herself praying to whatever God to keep the last living humans from creating another graveyard she will have to bear on her shoulders.