The Graveyards We Leave Behind

Nyx sits on a log by the ashes of the fire pit. This seems to be her favorite place to go when there is no one around. Her sleeves are pushed up past her elbows as the sun beats on her skin. She has lost track of how many days she has spent walking the dirt in grey, of how many nights she has spent seeing the ocean blue of the parachute under Nathan's heavy handed grasp.

A rustle behind the wall steals her attention from the heat, and she stands to walk past it. The gate is filthy and heavy, made from wood and scrap metal. She pushes it open to find a sickly looking Murphy crawling in the dirt.

"Get up," she tells him as she wraps an arm around his waist.

"The grounders," he starts, "they beat me." When Nyx doesn't say anything he continues, "I told them everything."

This time Nyx purses her lips, struggling to close the gate before walking him to the drop ship. Octavia rushes to help, wrapping her own arm around John. She doesn't know how she will be able to defend him this time when Bellamy finds out.

When they hand him over to Clarke, the pair disappears into a tent on Octavia's insistence for girl time. Nyx makes herself comfortable on the blanket ready to listen to more stories Lincoln has told her. They spend hours whispering and giggling until shouts outside pull them back to the grey Earth.

Nyx exits the tent just in time to see Miller's body fall to the ground, blood dripping from his nose. "Nate!" she shouts, running over to help him up. Inside the drop ship there are many sick, and John is handing out cups of water.

"You can't be in here, Nyx," Bellamy's voice rings through her mind.

"The hell I cant. What is this?"

"Biological warfare. They gave Murphy something," Clarke tells her. She covers her mouth with a handkerchief as she checks Octavia's pupils.

"Is Nate going to be okay?" she asks. The worry in her voice makes Bellamy feel uncomfortable enough to clear his throat audibly.

"I'm going to talk to Lincoln," Octavia announces only to have Bellamy grab her hand.

"Let her go, Bellamy. He'll keep her safe," Nyx reassures before walking away to sit next to Nathan who is out like a rock.

She grabs his hand and her thumb instinctively rubs his as if to comfort him through his sleep. She doesn’t know how long she sits there waiting for him to wake up, but soon Murphy sits down next to her, their knees touching again.

"I'm sorry. I didn’t know," he tells her. His voice holds a regret that she has never heard in him. He doesn’t know what this is. He doesn’t know if he'll survive it, if Nate will survive it.

"You're fine. He'll be fine. I'm the one that's sorry," she finds herself always apologizing for Bellamy's sins. Murphy should have never been outside the wall.

She looks over when he hands her a knife. It is a dagger with a wooden hilt carved and dyed the most beautiful blue. Too bad she can't see it. "What's this?" she asks him.

"It's for you. A thank you," John says. He stole it, she knew that much, but it is still a gift. She exchanges it for the makeshift knife on her right thigh, pleased with how it looks on her leg.

John throws his arm on her leg, his hand resting on her knee. There are no expectations with his touch. The comfort she had felt with him before is still there.

"I don’t know what you ever saw in him," he says spitefully, his gaze on Bellamy.

"John," she warns watching his eyes plot, "don’t do anything stupid again."

He turns to look at her.

"I need you here," she tells him, wanting to ensure that she wouldn’t lose this feeling of camaraderie again.

"There's no cure!" Octavia's voice echoes through her ears drawing her attention away from Murphy. Nyx's heart stops at the words - she is scared to lose Nathan. "It's not meant to kill," she adds, "they're weakening the battle field. They'll be here at first light." Her heart slows in a relief before she realizes that isn’t good news either.

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Nyx thinks over and over again in her head. There must be something she could do. She had to think of a way to stop them.

"Nyx," Nathan's soft whimper pulls her back in.

"Nate. Hey," she says in relief. Her hand lets go of his only to find it's way to his face. "You're gonna be okay. It's just a virus, kind of like the flu," she tells him in reassurance.

He nods, pushing himself up to sit. He feels like shit. He must be dying. Why else would he feel like he is?

"I have to go help the others, but I'll be back soon. I promise. Drink some water," she gives him a peck before she disappears through the hatch.

He watches her go. A part of him wishes she stayed. If these are his last moments then who would he spend them with if not her? He doesn't stop her though. He never stops her. He's gotten used to watching her walk away.

"Raven," Nyx calls walking into a tent. Her heart pulls at old strings at the sound of the name. Nyx can almost her the girl's moans in the back of her mind, haunting her.

Raven's head turns along with Finn's, both are surprised to see her there. She has never really talked to either of them, and they are unsure with how to proceed.

"Murphy crossed a bridge to come back. Can we blow it?"

"To hold them off," Finn realizes, looking at Raven hopefully. He has never had a conversation with Nyx before, but this moment is all he needed to declare her a genius.

"The hydrazine," Raven says. "I'll make it happen," there is a look of determination on her face, so Nyx nods and lets her get to work.

Back on the drop ship Bellamy takes a seat next to Miller. "I need you to leave her alone," he tells Nate.

Nathan snorts back, "glad to see you're alive too, Blake." He feels like death and is not in the mood for a disagreement. If these are his last moments he is definitely not interested in spending them with Bellamy, the liar, the fraud, the asshole that left him picking up the pieces of Nyx.

"She doesn’t need this. Whatever she thinks she's getting out of fucking you, it's not real," Bellamy argues. He is struggling to keep up his composure as he imagines them having sex in his mind. It is infuriating. He wishes she would just talk to him instead of taunting his with all these guys she fucks. Doesn’t she know she's not allowed to? She is his. At least she was before he fucked it up.

Nathan chuckles, "and what do you know about what she needs, Blake?" When Bellamy doesn’t say anything he continues, "you think you know her better than me?"

"Yes," is all Bellamy says. His mind is filling with memories of her on the Ark, reading with Octavia, him holding her hand, him making love to her for the first time. "I think it's time you drop the act and leave her alone," his words sound threatening on Nathan's ears. To tell the truth, Bellamy wants to strangle him. He has seen the bruises Miller leaves behind, marking Nyx like she is his property. If he ever does get the courage to kill him, he would make sure to leave Miller purple too.

"She doesn’t need saving from me. I'm the one saving her from you. Picking up the pieces you left on the Ark when you thought that wasn’t real either," Nathan says. Getting up for the first time he fights back the dizziness with every intention to leave Bellamy to tread in his own pool of misery by himself.

"Miller," Bellamy calls out. This time his voice carries desperation so Nate stops to listen. "You're not helping her move on, you're keeping her stuck in the past," Bellamy says but he's words are not convincing. He wants Miller to tell him that she loves him. That he should just up and talk to her, and there would be a happy ending.

"You know what?" Nathan turns to look at him. He realizes that this is not about the observance of some made up guy code, this is about a man realizing he is too late. "Maybe you should stop projecting. Nyx has been a fighter ever since I've known her - she doesn’t need help moving on." Nathan knows he is lying through his teeth. Of course she's stuck in the past, but this is the only way he knows how to protect her right now. There is no way he would let her fall into Bellamy's hands. Bellamy hasn’t changed enough to have his blessing. "Maybe you're the one that’s stuck in the past with all this time on Earth that you've had to wallow in your regrets. Just because you think every move you make is a mistake, doesn’t mean everyone else does. Nyx makes her own decisions. When she tells me to leave her alone, I will."

Bellamy doesn’t know how long he sits there. All he knows is that Nathan is right about everything.

He knew how in love Nyx was with him, but he pushed her away. 21 at the time, his sister in jail, his mother dead, he was dying to figure out how to live when his world was upside down. His nights were full of benders and girls whose names he did not remember. What he does remember is the look on her face when she walked in on him. He is sure she heard the rumors, but only seeing is believing. She stood by his side even through the whispers and accusations until she saw him on top of someone else. He knows her heart broke, but she doesn’t know his did too. He was scared, he was stupid, and now he is too late.

Maybe if he just talks to her, she'll come around. Maybe she'll see what she saw in him before. He laughs at himself. The pathetic words of a desperate man. She does not love him. She could never love him after he betrayed her, detonating a bomb from the trenches of their relationship and blowing it up like a spy in their midst.

As Bellamy stands his body crashes back down. His eyes flutter around the empty drop ship realizing there is no one to help. The forgiveness Jaha has given him earlier no longer seems useful because he wonders if these will be his last moments alive. The darkness swallows him whole as he decides to focus on the distant memory of Nyx's lips on his, regretting ever leaving her and savoring ever being with her.