The Graveyards We Leave Behind

By the time the sun passes its peak, a group from the Ark is already on the way to Mount Weather to take out the radio tower jamming their frequencies. Nyx is walking with Octavia, who happened to recruit Bellamy some time along the way. She isn't interested in making small talk with him. He would think of something smart to say to piss her off. That's who he is.

When the low belch of the foghorn sounds Nyx panics looking for shelter. The others have straggled behind with the tents, and there is no way to be sure they'd make it in time. Then, like a blessing, Octavia finds a hatch in the ground covered by moss. Nyx yanks at it feeling the pain surge through her arm. They jump down to find themselves in a garage. Before she knows it shots are fired, and there is Lincoln standing above a guard's body with his face covered in blood.

Though Octavia and Bellamy jump back, Nyx is not afraid. Her arm is pounding, but she has already resigned that she would not let Octavia go down the rabbit hole she is in, so she has to save him. She grabs the dead sergeant's baton and sends a shock through Lincoln's body causing him to drop limp.

"We're taking him home," she tells the siblings as she begins to tie up his hands. When she is sure he is secure she looks up at Octavia and places a hand on her shoulder. "I don't know what's wrong with him, but we will fix him," she reassures the girl whose face is covered in tears. A look to Bellamy is all it takes for the man to hunch over and pick up Lincoln's torso, leaving the lighter weight of his legs for her to carry.

When they resurface, Raven is shocked to see Lincoln's flaccid body decorated by reaper furs.

"You guys done with that radio?" Nyx asks. The journey back is several hours and now is the time to leave if they want to be at camp by nightfall.

"We're leaving it up," Raven states, her hands on her hips.

When Nyx gives them a confused look Abby offers an explanation. "We don't know if any of the other stations survived, but we know we have survivors in the mountain. It'll do us more good to listen in on them. Maybe it'll lead to a way in," Abby defends.

Nyx nods. She is upset that she's so close, but has to leave Nathan behind. She gulps audibly, fighting the swirl of destructive emotions inside her. She'll come back for him. He'll understand.

The trek back to the Ark is painful. Bellamy helps her carry the body, but even he is struggling. Lincoln's dead weight is tiring, and he finds himself eager to reach the Ark for the first time in his life. There are certain times Nyx thinks that she will pass out from the pain, but Bellamy's heavy breathing seems to ground her. Octavia insists on asking her if she's okay every few minutes, and that helps to keep her going too.

"Nyx, you look like shit, let me take over," the Blake sister pleads from beside her. When she places a hand on Nyx's left arm, Nyx has to fight from wincing. Even the gentle touch sends down deadly electric pulses through her arm which has been screaming at her the past six hours.

"We're almost there, Octavia," Nyx manages.

Bellamy hears the pain in her voice that she tries to hide so well. He looks back at Nyx noticing the blood dripping down her arm. He knows Lincoln is too heavy for Octavia, but he is hoping they'll make it back soon before Nyx bleeds to death. "We got it," his voice resonates through Nyx's mind. When Octavia protests she reassures her that she's fine.

Even now with her body on fire, Nyx is disappointed that they are retreating from the mountain again. She knows she must make this sacrifice for Octavia, and Nathan will understand when she tells him. That is another reason for her to keep going.

When they finally reach the gate, Nyx can't help but to drop Lincoln's body. Her shoulder is bleeding heavily through the torn stiches, but more importantly it is throbbing down to her wrist. There is so much pain that she feels like she will die. The hike from Mouth Weather is eight hours, and Lincoln is not as light as a feather.

"Nyx," her name rolls off Bellamy's tongue as he places Lincoln down to pull his shirt off and put it over her wound. He is sorry he pushed her. The could've rested. Octavia and Abby could’ve taken over. He radios for help and several guards come to carry Lincoln in and to the medical ward. He won't leave her side.

"Don't be so stubborn. Let Abby re-stich you, please," his voice is muddled with worry, but she is dead set on protesting.

When she refuses to take any of Abby's time, insisting that Lincoln's situation was more urgent, Bellamy offers to walk her to the cafeteria. After he helps her sit down at the bar he pours her a cup of water, but she reaches for a cup of moonshine instead. "Come on, Nyx, you need to hydrate," he is apprehensive in regard to her recklessness.

"I am," she says as she throws back the cup and chugs. The pain will pass soon. The alcohol has been good to her. It usually dulls the misery - it'll dull the agony.

"You're going to kill yourself," Bellamy cautions. His hand is on hers, warm and pleading.

"You never cared before, Blake, how about you don't start now? My shoulder hurts, and I'm sure as hell not in the mood to listen to bullshit," she tells him. Really she is scared that she'll cry in front of him.

Bellamy growls in frustration before he slams his fists on the counter and leaves her alone. She doesn’t expect anything else: he always runs.

She doesn’t know how much she drinks, after the third cup she looses count, but soon she begins to feel drowsy, and then her head hits the bar table. Her eyes shut slowly, and for a moment she thinks she is at peace.

When she wakes up she is in a bed, and Murphy is at her feet. She is back in a tank top, and her stiches are fixed. Did she pass out from the pain? The blood loss? The alcohol? When she hears John's words it doesn’t matter anymore.

"They're going to kill, Finn," he tells her in a sense of urgency as if he knows her work with the spacewalker is not finished.

She pushes herself out of the bed instantly and winces at the pain shooting from her wrist and shoulder. She runs outside, and her eyes fill with sorrow as she realizes that Finn is tied to a stake, and there is no hope.

"Clarke!" she shouts at the girl standing next to Bellamy and Kane. "You need to go to him, Clarke," she says as she runs over to them. She ignores Clarke's protests saying, "You need to tell him you forgive him. You can’t let him die without knowing you forgive him." Her words are rushing out of her mouth, "he died when he thought you died, Clarke. He didn’t mean any of it; he was just trying to kill the pain too. Tell him you forgive him, Clarke." Her panic comes with tears, and all she can say is, "please," over and over until Clarke agrees.

Kane and Bellamy's eyes burn into her, but she does not care. She is only trying to save Finn because she knows how he feels. He deserves this. When she sees Clarke cross the boundary she turns away, almost as if to give them a private moment. When she hears Bellamy call out her name she walks away in fear. It is her turn to run because she is scared of what he'll say. She is scared that he won't forgive her.

That night after Finn's death the newfound alliance is almost broken by the commander's man who poisoned her cup. Though the situation is resolved, Nyx hears Clarke telling Bellamy that he was right - that has to get inside Mount Weather. She has an uneasy feeling when Lincoln volunteers to lead him through the tunnels.

Lincoln is the only one that knows how to use the tunnels, and the ground is not safe. Still, it is too soon for Lincoln, and it is too dangerous for Bellamy.

By the time the sun rises, though, the two are already gone. The days she spends waiting to hear if he is okay seem like centuries. As she sits at the bar with Murphy two nights later, he tells her that he overheard Clarke on the radio with Bellamy. He is going to turn off the acid fog and free the grounders, making an army from within. She is satisfied for now, but the back of her mind pulls at her in worry for his safety.

"I'm leaving with Jaha in the morning," he adds after a few moments of silence.

"Why?" she asks. Her eyebrows furrow as she downs another drink.

"There's nothing for me here, so maybe there's something out there," his empty eyes stare at hers.

"Will you come back?" she asks him realizing that she will be alone.

"If I don't, then you should know I love you," he says pausing to choose his words. "I think you're the closest thing to a real friend I've ever had."

She understands. Strangely this delinquent turned villain turned friend is the only man she's met that was there just to be there. Maybe it's because he knew how it felt to hate himself like she does. She will miss him. Her hand gives his knee a squeeze before she tells him, "yea, yea, I love you too, Murphy."

When she wakes the next morning in his bed, Murphy is really gone. Just when she thinks she's as hollow as she can be the emptiness inside her keeps growing. It is festering, and she does not know how to stop it anymore.

While their army prepares to march, she decides to go ahead with Clarke and Octavia to Tondc. She needs distractions. She needs recklessness. Being inside her head too long is dangerous.

Everything that happens from when they get to Tondc until they reach the door of the mountain is a blur. There is a missile. There is anger. There is resentment. There is a graveyard. There is guilt. All of that seems worth it, however, as they stand in front of the hunk of metal waiting for Raven to blow the turbines and shut off the electricity so they can open the door. She cannot wait to open the door and see Bellamy and Nathan again.

Soon, however, a horn blows, and though her are screams in the crowd of fog, Nyx recognizes it is as a sign of retreat. The grounders are abandoning them.

They won't give up though. She watches David Miller trigger the bomb on the door manually, and when it opens she is the first one in. She follows Clarke down to the tunnels to open the door for Octavia; then she watches as Bellamy takes the blonde into an embrace. Though she is uncomfortable, she holds her tongue. There is a sense of relief that washes over her when she sees him. She wraps her arms around him briefly without a word. Perhaps it was a bad idea, but she could not resist. When he doesn’t say anything she turns to follow Clarke. Soon they are in Dante's cell, and then they are in the command room with lives on their shoulders.

The nerves run through her body when she realizes how close she is to seeing Nathan again.

"All we have to do is pull the lever," Monty says.

They are going to irradiate the whole level.

Nyx thinks back to Finn. She wishes there was a way to help those people. The faults do not lie within the poor civilians Clarke is about to kill just so Nyx could put her arms around Nathan once more.

"I bear the weight, so they don’t have to," Clarke whispers with her hand on the lever.

Nyx places her own hand on Clarke's before saying, "we bear it." They have to. She has to. She is scared that she is running out of time, that she will fade away soon. She needs Nathan to help her, but more importantly she needs him to live.

Bellamy follows suit, uttering a, "we," before the trio pulls the lever and watches the bodies of the mountain men on level five drop like flies.

The four of them take the elevators in silence, the thoughts of what they've done swimming in their minds. They walk through the mess hall, and Nyx finds her stomach churning again. Jasper's eyes are empty, as he stands here looking at what is left of Maya. How many graveyards will they make, Nyx wonders, and when will it be enough? When her eyes land on Nathan the room suddenly has color.

She feels tears trickle down her face as she runs into his embrace. The way he hugs her is irreplaceable. Her legs are around his waist, and he is spinning with her in his arms, "Nyx, oh, Nyx," escaping his mouth in relief. He imagined this moment for months, but he could not have imagined that it would feel this good to just hold her against him again.

When they finally separate everything is grey again, but she is a little less hopeless. Her heart did not skip as hard as it did when she saw Bellamy, the colors were not as bright in her eyes as when her arms were around Bellamy, but Nathan is the next best thing. She needed him. She still needs him. She doesn't know how to cope without him anymore. She was standing at the edge of the cliff for weeks now, but with him here he has pulled her back to safety.

Back at the gate of the Ark it seems as if Clarke is saying her goodbyes.

"If you need forgiveness, I'll give it to you," she listens to Bellamy tell Clarke that he absolves her. Her heart strings tug, and she holds back tears wishing those words were for her. She would kill another mountain of people if he would only say those words to her.

"I bear it, so they don’t have to," Clarke says once more.

That is selfish, Nyx thinks. They all agreed to bear it, so why does Clarke think she gets to run while the rest of them face their demons? She watches Bellamy hug her once more before he turns to walk away. There is an anger in his eyes, but it is muted by fear. Probably fear of what the tree of them have become.

"I can't judge you," Nyx says as Clarke turns to look at her. "Though at some point our sins seem insurmountable, they are still ours to endure. My judgment of you does not erase my sins, so I don't judge you - I forgive you." The words she speaks are difficult, but she manages to push past the jealousy and tell Clarke what she needs to hear.

Clarke smiles with empty eyes before reaching over to engulf Nyx in a hug. "He loves you," she tells Nyx, "and he forgives you too."

"I tried to do the same for Finn before," she smiles at Clarke. "Now I understand how he felt," she pauses before saying, "I'll believe it when I hear him say it."

Clarke nods her head, remembering the day Nyx pleaded with her to forgive Finn. It seems like so long ago that she had lost him. He died for their peace, and Lexa had already betrayed it. She understands now. The moment is not for nothing. Clarke has gained a valuable insight into the woman in front of her that's made her realize that life is not just about survival - it's about how we survive. It a shame that Nyx has to torture herself just to make it. It is a shame that they have to dig graves just to make it.

"May we meet again, Clarke," Nyx's words are genuine, the jealousy eradicated with the apology the blonde tried to give her in the form of forgiveness.

"May we meet again."