Status: Writing it as I go, if it gets a good response I'll finish it.
Last Year
Preface
You say you’re not the same person now, that you have changed all your old habits and that you’re a bad person now. I’m not convinced. If you were to be the bad person you say you are, you wouldn’t have apologized. You wouldn’t have felt bad, and you wouldn’t have spoken to me at all. You’re just the same, just now with different habits. You’re a good person, you always will be, and you can’t convince me otherwise.
I would lie if I told you I still loved you. I don’t, but I do still think about you. It’s more worry over you, guilt, and knowing that if I had done things differently, maybe you wouldn’t have gone down the path that you chose. You said it wasn’t my fault, but I can’t help feeling that you changed because of me, to wash all versions and memories of me you had, and I don’t blame you.
I wasn’t sad that you shut me out because of me, but because I was worried about what it could mean. I was worried you were going to do something stupid, something you wouldn’t have done otherwise, and I guess I was right. I was right to worry about you and wrong to have let you leave like that.
I’m writing you this letter to apologize and to get a sense of closure to everything that happened between us. Of all the letters I wrote you, I promise this will be the last one if you want it to be. I hope that after this you can forgive me, and if you can’t, I don’t blame you, but I want you to know that I still think and care about you.
I apologize for the way I treated you. You did not deserve the hurt I put you through, the small things I would do to get a reaction out of you to cover my insecurities. You were patient and kind each time, and I was wrong to push you.
I apologize for my insecurities. You loved me regardless and showed me how to love myself, but it was wrong of me to seek it from you. You shouldn’t have had to remind me every time you thought I was beautiful, and it was selfish of me to have put you in that position.
I apologize for the times I was jealous and took away your time. I was jealous of your friends, and of the way you had people to go to. I shouldn’t have taken that time away from you or made you leave them to be with me.
I apologize for my cold reaction to leaving you. I didn’t cry, it didn’t break me as much as it broke you, and I thought I could lie enough to convince me that it was because I was with my parents, because I didn’t want them to see me cry, but truly it’s because I felt things fading as soon as we pulled away from my house. I felt for the first time that we wouldn’t be able to maintain a relationship with the distance, and I’m sorry I was so heartless to your pain and your feelings.
Most of all, I apologize for not telling you how wonderful you were as often as you deserved to hear it. I’m ashamed that it took an abusive relationship to see how amazing you were and how respectfully you treated me. I wish I had told you all the things you deserved to hear.
I will forever find myself comparing my partner to you, to how you treated me, to how perfect our relationship was. Any relationship in the future will always be ruined by the memories of us, and I will never be able to stop wondering what would have happened if I hadn’t moved, if we had stayed together, if I could have been given a second chance to cherish you.
I miss our conversations, how easily words came to the both of us and how we could stay up talking to each other without feeling that precious minutes were passing us by. I miss the relationship, yes, but I miss the friendship the most.
You will forever remain my best friend in my memories. I hope you give me the privilege of knowing how you are every once in a while.
I would lie if I told you I still loved you. I don’t, but I do still think about you. It’s more worry over you, guilt, and knowing that if I had done things differently, maybe you wouldn’t have gone down the path that you chose. You said it wasn’t my fault, but I can’t help feeling that you changed because of me, to wash all versions and memories of me you had, and I don’t blame you.
I wasn’t sad that you shut me out because of me, but because I was worried about what it could mean. I was worried you were going to do something stupid, something you wouldn’t have done otherwise, and I guess I was right. I was right to worry about you and wrong to have let you leave like that.
I’m writing you this letter to apologize and to get a sense of closure to everything that happened between us. Of all the letters I wrote you, I promise this will be the last one if you want it to be. I hope that after this you can forgive me, and if you can’t, I don’t blame you, but I want you to know that I still think and care about you.
I apologize for the way I treated you. You did not deserve the hurt I put you through, the small things I would do to get a reaction out of you to cover my insecurities. You were patient and kind each time, and I was wrong to push you.
I apologize for my insecurities. You loved me regardless and showed me how to love myself, but it was wrong of me to seek it from you. You shouldn’t have had to remind me every time you thought I was beautiful, and it was selfish of me to have put you in that position.
I apologize for the times I was jealous and took away your time. I was jealous of your friends, and of the way you had people to go to. I shouldn’t have taken that time away from you or made you leave them to be with me.
I apologize for my cold reaction to leaving you. I didn’t cry, it didn’t break me as much as it broke you, and I thought I could lie enough to convince me that it was because I was with my parents, because I didn’t want them to see me cry, but truly it’s because I felt things fading as soon as we pulled away from my house. I felt for the first time that we wouldn’t be able to maintain a relationship with the distance, and I’m sorry I was so heartless to your pain and your feelings.
Most of all, I apologize for not telling you how wonderful you were as often as you deserved to hear it. I’m ashamed that it took an abusive relationship to see how amazing you were and how respectfully you treated me. I wish I had told you all the things you deserved to hear.
I will forever find myself comparing my partner to you, to how you treated me, to how perfect our relationship was. Any relationship in the future will always be ruined by the memories of us, and I will never be able to stop wondering what would have happened if I hadn’t moved, if we had stayed together, if I could have been given a second chance to cherish you.
I miss our conversations, how easily words came to the both of us and how we could stay up talking to each other without feeling that precious minutes were passing us by. I miss the relationship, yes, but I miss the friendship the most.
You will forever remain my best friend in my memories. I hope you give me the privilege of knowing how you are every once in a while.
♠ ♠ ♠
The thing about this story is that it's true. It's messy with lots of characters because that's just how life is. This letter was sent to him because life was messy, and it still is. the background to all the characters are real, too, and I just portray what it is like growing up as a minority in the South, both from the inside and the outside.