Last Year

I didn’t turn to watch my mom drive away when she dropped me off. Instead, I focused to find where the stadium and entrance was. It wasn’t too hard to find; the stadium was located next to where I had gone to middle school.

My middle school was affiliated with the high school. If you lived around the area, Westley was were you went to high school by default. My guess was that since the high school was ever-expanding to accommodate 4,700 students, and many more staff members, they chose to build the stadium here at the middle school location; might as well, Laurent Middle School had the space, more so now. The middle school was demolished and rebuilt coincidentally on the same campus as the elementary school I attended. Now, Jane Morris Elementary and Laurent Middle School were affiliated, and both were located closer to the high school location.

I had to say that the finished product was beautiful, and a lot more inviting and enjoyable than the dump I had gone to, but regardless, it was sad to see so many memories vanish, especially since I got to know so many of its comfortable spots. Naturally, when the middle school closed down to be demolished, rumors spread about how “it was because a deadly disease was slowly spreading through the air vents” or “because they’re going to make a movie there” or whatever.

Left in its stead stood nothing, yet the stadium remained, looking more alive than I’d seen in ages. My heart beat faster as I walked towards the entrance where groups of people huddled laughing and talking. I took out money and paid to enter, finding that the game had already started, which was fine by me; I wasn’t really here to see the game.

I texted Brandon again that I was here, and his reply was “Oh no! I’m running a bit late. I’ll tell you when I’m here.” I sighed and bought a drink to pass the time.

His being “a bit late” turned into pretty late. We were halfway through second quarter when he finally arrived. It was a good thing I saw him. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have texted. He arrived alone, meaning that he had left his friend hanging too. I felt relieved at that.

“Hey!” He gave me a big hug, as if that could make up for it, which it did. “I’m sorry I’m late. I couldn’t find a ride to the game by the time I was finished with homework because everyone else was already here. Had to wait for my mom to get home from work.”

“You should have just told me,” I responded. “I could have given you a ride.”

“I’ll keep that in mind next time,” he said. I smiled at the thought of there being a next time.

“I need to go meet with my friend. Come with me,” he demanded, grabbing my hand. I through the empty drink in the trash as we passed it and headed up the steps to the seats. He called his friend, asking general question about where they were, so general that I couldn’t determine gender or anything about them.

After going up and down the stairs in the excruciating heat of August, we finally found his friend. She was at the bottom, sitting as close to the field as the seats permitted.

Olivienne was very beautiful in a very natural way. As the we got to talking, I realized that she posed no threat as she was only interested in girls. Her raven black long hair almost matched how dark her eyes were, and her tan skin made her a rare sight to see in this part of the state, like me. She was beautiful in the same way one would call nature beautiful.

Brandon and her talked for a little while, and then she was gone to see some friend of hers. We were left alone, making my heart beat wildly with anxiety.

“She was nice. I like her,” I complimented her.

“Yeah she’s one of my good friends,” Brae responded, sitting down on the concrete bench. Our school had been so cheap in building this stadium that rather than making it with normal metal bleachers, they set the seats in concrete only. It was very uncomfortable, really, but there wasn’t much to do about it other than bring your own cushioning, which some overly devoted football parents did.

The game went on, our school team taking a lead from the very beginning. The away team had won no points, making the crowd go wild every time our team scored another touchdown. Brandon and I didn’t speak much to my disappointment, but he would occasionally make a move that would have me smiling for five minutes. Most of the time he would be on his phone, but he would sometimes scoot closer to me, or hold my hand or put his arm around me. It was a hot night and the heat from his arm only made it worse, but I didn’t complain.

Though it was a quiet night and we didn’t say much, it was a nice way to spend the evening, much better than staying at home alone in my room and wishing for company. I had begun to go out again, encouraged by the familiar faces that recognized me everywhere I went.

The rest of the night was spent in awkward silences and small conversations. I was perfectly content with both, and I was glad he had chosen to spend his evening with me. After the game, he gave me a hug and said goodbye, leaving early when his ride arrived before mine. I didn’t mind that he didn’t wait for me. I texted him a quick thank you for a good time, to which he replied with just a happy face, but that was enough for me; I had enough to be happy about for the rest of the night.

My usual boring Saturday morning began with waking up early and going on errands with my parents and brother. I received no texts from him, and I prepared to be disappointed. I decided that if by lunchtime he hadn’t said anything, I would text him to know if he could go on a date.

He didn’t send a text, and didn’t respond quickly either. I explained to myself that he was just busy, and that that was a good trait in a person. Even with this I realized he might just not be that interested, which bothered me more than it should, and I couldn’t understand why.

Finally, at two in the afternoon, he answered. “Hey! My schedule cleared up! I’m free to hang out at 2!”

I thanked the god I didn’t believe in and asked him where we would hang out, and we settled on hanging out at the local outlet mall in case we wanted to watch a movie. It was the most popular place for everyone to hang out because there really was no other place to go without going into the downtown, which was much to unsafe after sundown.

Getting ready was hard. I hadn’t planned on things to have developed this far. It felt like I had nothing to wear, so I just settled on a plaid shirt and jeans. Surely, he would make me feel underdressed with the impressive outfits he could pull off, so why not be comfortable while we’re at it?

I was dropped off at 2 sharp, and he was not. I waited around for about thirty minutes until he eventually texted me that he was on his way. I was a little mad, but I wasn’t going to let that get in the way of having a good afternoon.

When I saw his car pull into the circle, I got up and walked towards the sidewalk. He got down, said something to whoever was driving, and headed towards me. The car pulled away as he hugged me. He was wearing the same leather jacket he always wore, along with the jeans and boots, but instead of a simple t shirt, he changed it for a white button down.

He looked incredibly attractive, and I felt lucky to be able to be the one who he spends his Saturday night with. We walked and made small talk, and settled for not watching a movie, and rather going up to the parking garage and watching the sunset. The last time I had gone up there, it had been with Caleb. I was glad to be making new memories to wash away all the bad ones.

We sat on one of the walls of the parking lot, talking about the nice mornings we had together and the football game. He spoke sweetly, just enough to be considered nice, but not enough to be able to tell if he liked me. I decided it had been enough time and that I needed to be assertive about what I wanted, rather than wait for it to happen.

“You know I really like you,” I said, trying to surprise him, and it worked. He was taken aback, and didn’t answer for a long time.

“I don’t know. I mean I really like you too, but a relationship’s just not what I’m looking for right now,” he answered softly.

“Why not?” I asked him, making sure to keep my voice level so he wouldn’t know how much the rejection hurt me.

“I just want to enjoy my years in high school you know?”

“And you wouldn’t enjoy them in a relationship?” I asked, kicking myself mentally for how rude the question sounded.

Luckily, he chuckled. “I just don’t want to limit myself.”

I sighed, hoping that I could change his mind at some point. Challenge accepted. He had a very juvenile conception of what high school was supposed to be, and talking to him made me realize that. He thought he could live from party to party, but didn’t realize that that just wasn’t reality. Parties in movies weren’t really what they were in real life, and sleeping around with people was pretty dangerous, but I would just sound rude if I tried to convince him otherwise, so I just kept my mouth shut.

“Are you having fun like you hoped to?” I asked him, reaching up to play with his hair; a bold move, but he didn’t seem to mind.

“It’s not what I expected,” he answered. Ha.

My fingers traced down the side of his face, lightly following the line of his jaw, down to his lips. I knew what I was doing, and I was hoping my face seemed innocent enough for him to fall for it. He leaned in and kissed me, and I sighed happily to keep the game going.

I was everything he asked. I followed conversation as perfectly as I could. We kissed many times, laughed, and overall had a good time. We talked about everything and anything, and only topics he wanted. The beautiful sunset was everything I could have asked for as a romantic background to the date. I fell harder for him; it was just so perfect, and I hoped that a thousand more dates like these would be able to pull me out of my depression.

“My parents are picking me up at 5,” I told him after our latest conversation came to a restful end. He looked over to me and glanced at his watch. We had 5 minutes until they came.

“You should probably get going,” he stated, getting up and dusting himself off. I got up as well.

“Will you walk me?” I asked, pushing him to be a gentleman. His demeanor changed completely, a mixture between nervous and reluctant. His answer was so quiet I had trouble hearing him.

“Ummm… yeah, sure,” he mumbled, checking the ground and wall for belongings. I could tell he was stalling.

“Do you not want to? It’s okay if you don’t.”

“I just don’t like to meet parents,” he said glancing at me. He wouldn’t keep eye contact with me while we walked down the stairs to the ground floor. While I could understand where he was coming from, it still bothered me.

We paused at the bottom of the stairs. For the first time, an awkward silence fell between us, with me a little upset at the basic gesture of significance, and him realizing how bad it must look.

I feigned happiness, hoping it could show him how willing I was to make us work. “I had a really nice time, Brandon. I hope we can hang out again soon!”

“Yeah, sure, of course. I’ll let you know!” He responded with the same contrived excitement.

We walked out of the garage together, heading in opposite directions. My parents were parked at such an angle that they wouldn’t have seen Brandon leave without saying hello. Looking back on the date during my walk to the car helped me achieve some happy glow, enough to convince my parents. They asked about Brandon and why he hadn’t come to say hello.

“He had already left, and it was hot outside so I just waited inside in the shade,” I lied. It came naturally to me now, after an entire year’s worth of practice. At first, I lied so I wouldn’t get in trouble, then I lied to make myself feel better, until finally, I lied as a desperate attempt at making my words true, repeated over and over, until they could blur the truth enough to live with myself.

That night, I slept better than usual. I think it was because I had something nicer, prettier, more comforting to think about. Brandon really had been a wonderful date. I realized that the reason why it bothered me that he didn’t like me back as much; I hadn’t felt like this in such a long time. In truth, I hadn’t felt in s long time, in the sense that I’d just been numb to the goings on of life for the past year. Feeling the way I do about him brought me frustration, but I felt something, and I went to sleep comforted that at least some part of me was still alive.