Status: Active.
Secret For the Mad
ii.
The clear blue water lapped at the edges of the pool and at Hayley’s ankles, making soft splashing sounds. She could hear Taylor and Zac too, but they were currently just background noise to her, chatting it up while they sat on huge floaties in the middle of the pool.
When she eventually let her green eyes wander from her distorted feet to Taylor, zoning back in to her surroundings, he was holding a green glass bottle - beer, of course. It made Hayley roll her eyes and she found herself kicking some water at him. He whipped his head around, damp curls flying all over the place.
“Hey! What was that for?” He pouts, looking down into his beer. He knew the chlorinated water had to have gotten in there, so he attempts to kick at the water and get to the edge of the pool. He makes it and sets his bottle on the edge, but before he can paddle his way back to Zac he’s being flipped over. Taylor hadn’t even noticed the younger man slip into the cool water and swim over, hands reaching under the floaty and pushing upward so that Taylor went into the water, getting completely wet.
He also may or may not have let out a loud pitched squeal, which sent Hayley over the edge and into a burt of giggles. It felt good to laugh; it had been so long since she last had that she couldn’t even remember it. It was like a breath of fresh air.
It didn’t last long.
Her mind took her to another place in no time, back to a time when He had told her that happiness wasn’t for her, even though He forced it on her. Forced her to smile, forced her to act like it was all okay, as if she wasn’t drowning in depression and anxiety. It suddenly felt like the air had been knocked out of her lungs and like everything was closing in on her, and for some reason she craved nothing more than to dive into the deep end of the pool and sit at the bottom until it was finally okay.
It was a repeat of what happened with the sunflowers.
She didn’t know what she was doing and didn’t even think about it as she stood and then jumped in feet first, letting herself sink to the bottom. She squeezed her eyes shut and pulled her legs to her chest, arms wrapping around them.
She liked it. She liked how it was silent except for the muffled voices of her friends above her. She liked the way that the cold water enveloped her frail body, greeting her like an old friend. It was comforting, and that scared her. The ease in zoning out under the water scared her, but she found herself disconnecting in no time. She didn’t notice the loss of air in her lungs or the burning that followed, and she didn’t notice the stars taking over her vision.
Things began to fade out slowly. Everything moved in slow motion as she heard a loud splash, and then felt herself being jerked upward by firm, but somehow gentle hands. All she felt around her was the icy air, and she thought that maybe this was finally it. She was finally free.
That wasn’t the case.
When she opened her eyes, Taylor was above her. His mouth was moving, but her brain wasn’t processing anything that was being said. She just knew that he was yelling, and that was enough to make her turn onto her side and curl up once more. She placed her hands over her ears just in case.
He would always yell. He would always tell her how wrong she was. He would always tell her that she needed to smile more and that she needed to do all of these things that she just didn’t want to do.
She didn’t notice the tears streaming down her face, or that now it was two sets of hands carrying her to a pool chair. A towel was wrapped around her, and the warmth helped some. She felt a hand take hold of her face very gently, and then carefully lift it up. She was met with Zac’s kind eyes, and she could tell he was confused, but he was trying. He offered a gentle smile as he let go of her face, and waited until her hands were off of her ears.
“Hey, Hayles. What’s going on?”
She knew he wasn’t as in the loop with things, but he was trying. Taylor was rubbing his face, but he rushed over when he took in the fact that her ears were uncovered. She went to cover them once more, before he rushed out the word, “Don’t.”
She didn’t.
“I didn't mean to yell. I just-” He paused, one hand pulling at his curls, “Fuck, Hayley, I was so worried. I’m still worried. I love you too much to see you do this to yourself.”
She didn’t know what to say. Zac was wiping the tears off of her cheeks with a clean towel, Taylor was pacing, and she was so ashamed. This guilt continued to grow inside of her, blooming like flowers.
“What happens if I’m out one day and I come back and you’re-”
“I’m sorry.”
Hayley didn’t give him the chance finish his sentence. She couldn’t let him. She knew what he was about to say, and it wasn’t something she wanted to hear. While she was broken up into a trillion pieces and it felt like she couldn’t breathe daily, she never wanted to… die. She never even thought of that.
She just wanted to be a whole again.
The short blonde stood up from her pool chair, ignoring how she trembled as she did so. She grabbed Zac’s hand and tugged him gently toward Taylor, and he helped her stay upright. Once they took those three steps, She wrapped her arms around the two men she loved more than anything as tight as she possibly could. They didn’t have to be here helping her. They didn’t have to try to glue all of those tiny pieces of her back together… but here they were.
She felt like crying again.
She didn’t let go of them for a long time. She didn’t want to yet, and maybe she just couldn’t. She needed this, and deep down, they did too. The three stood there for a long time, huddled together in some sort of group hug as if it would mend the cracks that had formed in their foundation.
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When she eventually let her green eyes wander from her distorted feet to Taylor, zoning back in to her surroundings, he was holding a green glass bottle - beer, of course. It made Hayley roll her eyes and she found herself kicking some water at him. He whipped his head around, damp curls flying all over the place.
“Hey! What was that for?” He pouts, looking down into his beer. He knew the chlorinated water had to have gotten in there, so he attempts to kick at the water and get to the edge of the pool. He makes it and sets his bottle on the edge, but before he can paddle his way back to Zac he’s being flipped over. Taylor hadn’t even noticed the younger man slip into the cool water and swim over, hands reaching under the floaty and pushing upward so that Taylor went into the water, getting completely wet.
He also may or may not have let out a loud pitched squeal, which sent Hayley over the edge and into a burt of giggles. It felt good to laugh; it had been so long since she last had that she couldn’t even remember it. It was like a breath of fresh air.
It didn’t last long.
Her mind took her to another place in no time, back to a time when He had told her that happiness wasn’t for her, even though He forced it on her. Forced her to smile, forced her to act like it was all okay, as if she wasn’t drowning in depression and anxiety. It suddenly felt like the air had been knocked out of her lungs and like everything was closing in on her, and for some reason she craved nothing more than to dive into the deep end of the pool and sit at the bottom until it was finally okay.
It was a repeat of what happened with the sunflowers.
She didn’t know what she was doing and didn’t even think about it as she stood and then jumped in feet first, letting herself sink to the bottom. She squeezed her eyes shut and pulled her legs to her chest, arms wrapping around them.
She liked it. She liked how it was silent except for the muffled voices of her friends above her. She liked the way that the cold water enveloped her frail body, greeting her like an old friend. It was comforting, and that scared her. The ease in zoning out under the water scared her, but she found herself disconnecting in no time. She didn’t notice the loss of air in her lungs or the burning that followed, and she didn’t notice the stars taking over her vision.
Things began to fade out slowly. Everything moved in slow motion as she heard a loud splash, and then felt herself being jerked upward by firm, but somehow gentle hands. All she felt around her was the icy air, and she thought that maybe this was finally it. She was finally free.
That wasn’t the case.
When she opened her eyes, Taylor was above her. His mouth was moving, but her brain wasn’t processing anything that was being said. She just knew that he was yelling, and that was enough to make her turn onto her side and curl up once more. She placed her hands over her ears just in case.
He would always yell. He would always tell her how wrong she was. He would always tell her that she needed to smile more and that she needed to do all of these things that she just didn’t want to do.
She didn’t notice the tears streaming down her face, or that now it was two sets of hands carrying her to a pool chair. A towel was wrapped around her, and the warmth helped some. She felt a hand take hold of her face very gently, and then carefully lift it up. She was met with Zac’s kind eyes, and she could tell he was confused, but he was trying. He offered a gentle smile as he let go of her face, and waited until her hands were off of her ears.
“Hey, Hayles. What’s going on?”
She knew he wasn’t as in the loop with things, but he was trying. Taylor was rubbing his face, but he rushed over when he took in the fact that her ears were uncovered. She went to cover them once more, before he rushed out the word, “Don’t.”
She didn’t.
“I didn't mean to yell. I just-” He paused, one hand pulling at his curls, “Fuck, Hayley, I was so worried. I’m still worried. I love you too much to see you do this to yourself.”
She didn’t know what to say. Zac was wiping the tears off of her cheeks with a clean towel, Taylor was pacing, and she was so ashamed. This guilt continued to grow inside of her, blooming like flowers.
“What happens if I’m out one day and I come back and you’re-”
“I’m sorry.”
Hayley didn’t give him the chance finish his sentence. She couldn’t let him. She knew what he was about to say, and it wasn’t something she wanted to hear. While she was broken up into a trillion pieces and it felt like she couldn’t breathe daily, she never wanted to… die. She never even thought of that.
She just wanted to be a whole again.
The short blonde stood up from her pool chair, ignoring how she trembled as she did so. She grabbed Zac’s hand and tugged him gently toward Taylor, and he helped her stay upright. Once they took those three steps, She wrapped her arms around the two men she loved more than anything as tight as she possibly could. They didn’t have to be here helping her. They didn’t have to try to glue all of those tiny pieces of her back together… but here they were.
She felt like crying again.
She didn’t let go of them for a long time. She didn’t want to yet, and maybe she just couldn’t. She needed this, and deep down, they did too. The three stood there for a long time, huddled together in some sort of group hug as if it would mend the cracks that had formed in their foundation.
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