‹ Prequel: White Noise
Status: Active

Static Screams

Ballast

Lila plopped down next to me on the swing. The sunset blazed a burning orange, casting a warm glow across her face. She had a glow about her that I imagine all new mothers to have, but she also looked a little worse for wear. Dark circles were etched deep beneath her eyes, and her skin was sallow. Every angle of her body was hollow.

“We need to talk about earlier,” she stated bluntly. She looked at me expectantly, body angled towards me. I couldn’t look at her, I felt like I couldn’t breathe at all. That dream that I just had spooked me deeply, and I was terrified of the words that threatened to spill over. The feelings that I had pushed so far down over the years, that I’d tried in vain to completely forget about.

“Lila…” I trailed off, facing her. “I…I just can’t, okay?”

“You can’t talk?” she spat, brows furrowed. “You can’t have one god damn conversation with me?”

I shook my head. She was right. I sighed. “Talk, then.”

“God damn it, Holland!” she jumped up, standing in front of me. “Why are you always so hot and cold with me?”

“It’s been hard, without Ryan…”

She shook her head angrily, glaring at me. “This isn’t a new thing, Hol. Sometimes you’re on my side, sometimes you’re my safest bet. Then sometimes…,” she paused. “Sometimes I don’t like who you are at all.”

She was right. Over the years, I played many roles in Lila’s life. I was always either the confidant, the only person she could talk to. Or I was the worst of the worst, a monster looming in the corner and ready to pounce. I looked down at my hands in my lap, my insides shaking with pain and anger. “You don’t understand, okay? You’ll never get it.”

She crouched down in front of me, lifting my face until I make eye contact with her. “Explain it to me,” she whispered. “Please. I need you.”

I didn’t realize I had started to cry until tears dropped onto my hands, still clasped together in my lap. “I was in love with him,” I whispered, barely audible. I cleared my throat, before repeating it a little louder. “I was in love with him, and you took him away from me.”

She sat back, recoiling. “You’re…you’re…..”

“It doesn’t matter what I am,” I spat, standing up and running my hands over my face. “It doesn’t matter, because he loved you, and you were happy together, and that was all I ever wanted for him.” I paused, daring a glance at Lila. Her eyes were wide and wet with tears that threatened to spill over. I sat down, cross-legged in front of her. “I was so in love with him, Lila. I was so in love with him. And he was happy with you.”

“Holland…” she trailed off, before grabbing my hand.

I sighed shakily. “I pushed it down, over time. You two were so perfect together. You were everything he needed – everything I couldn’t be – and it was worth it all to keep it to myself if it meant he was happy. And he was, Lila. He was so happy with you.” I paused again, inhaling deeply. “He was so happy and so in love with you, and then all of this shit went down, and all I wanted to do was protect him. And by extension, I wanted to protect you, because you were his whole life, and I couldn’t let anything happen to that. I never blamed you. It wasn’t your fault you were the one he wanted. I swore to myself that I would never let what I felt for him cloud how important you were to him…and now, how important you are to me.”

She choked on a sob, squeezing my hands in hers. “Look at me, please.”

I steadied my eye contact with her, but I couldn’t stop talking. “Lila…you were everything he ever wanted and needed. I love you because he did. But I can’t love you that way, not yet. Maybe not ever. Because I will always look at you, and think about how you had the life with him I always wanted. I look at you, and I think about how I’m the reason he’s dead. I look at you, and I want to protect you in ways that I couldn’t protect him.” The tears flowed freely now, and I choked on a lump in my throat. “I was so hopelessly in love with him, Lila. From the day I met him to the day I left him. And he never knew.”

She took my face in her hands, wiping tears from my cheeks. “Yes, he did, Holland. He always knew.”
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