Miles to Go

“Stop it!” I yelled, my hands curling into fists at my sides as I breathed heavily. I heard my voice echo back to me, but couldn’t lower my volume. “You’re adults, act like it!”

“Maybe we would,” my mother snapped, “if you acted your age and not like a bratty five-year-old.”

I continued to evenly stare at her for a moment before finally turning away and walking out the front door, my movements portraying everything I didn’t feel. For the first time in my life, I was truly angry, furious. I wanted to scream, yell.

With slow, precise steps, I made my way down the driveway onto the street, turning right.

Crossing my arms, I walked straight ahead of me, staring in front of me at nothing. I wasn’t sure how long I walked, just like that, arms crossed, a dazed expression in place, and not a single thought going through my mind.

I wasn’t aware of my surroundings, the cars that passed by, the cool temperature, the wind blowing my hair in my face, or even the sound of my own feet touching the ground. And when I came across a rather busy intersection, I didn’t register that, either.

That was, until a warm hand wrapped around my arm and pulled me to a stop.

I looked to my left, gazing at Desmond curiously, whose hand still rested on my arm. His ocean blue eyes were staring unblinkingly ahead of him, at the cross signal that showed a red hand, his light curly hair in his face.

When the light turned, he dropped his hand, instead tucking it into the pocket of his jeans, and began walking.

I silently followed him, still staring at him while my stomach continued churning with unexpressed anger. When, finally, it passed, the sun had set, leaving a dark, starless sky in its wake, and Desmond and I had somehow found ourselves on the beach.

Sighing quietly, I loosened my hands that had been gripping my ribs, and uncrossed my arms from across my chest, letting them hang at my sides.

Still not looking at me, Desmond took my hand in his cold one, and when I looked over, I finally noticed the lack of his ever present hoodie, a short sleeved shirt taking its place.

“I’m okay now,” I said softly, “you can go, if you want.”

He glanced at me before looking ahead of him again, not missing a beat as he continued walking across the soft sand. “And if you decide to go walking into traffic again?”

I half smiled. “I won’t. It was a onetime thing.”

He nodded, but didn’t say anything else.

When we finally reached our section of the beach, he dropped my hand and I stopped, watching as he went to the spot just at the edge of the white fence surrounding his house, the corner further away from me where he’d sat that very first night, and took a seat there, shoulders hunched, legs crossed, and his hands playing with the sand just by his knees as always.

I stood where he’d left me, shuffling my feet and glancing around, at the ocean, my fence, the house behind it, the sand under my feet. Normally, this is where I sat, right on this exact spot right here.

I glanced at Desmond again.

And going against every instinct I had, I took a deep breath, and crossed the space to him.

“Where did you go?” Seth asked as soon as I stepped into my room the next morning, engulfing me in a hug.

I immediately pulled away, crossing my arms across my chest. “Out. Why are you in my room?”

“Because I was waiting for you. You were out the entire night? Please tell me you’ve got something better than that. And you couldn’t call me?”

“I was in the backyard,” I said slowly, rolling my eyes. “And I didn’t exactly have my phone.” I pointed to the table beside my bed where my phone sat. “Get out, I have to get ready for school.”

“Yeah, yeah. Just a heads up, the parents are furious. I’ll cover for you as much as I can, but they’re madder than I’ve ever seen them.”

“Don’t bother. I don’t even care.”

“Try not to let them know that,” he said, stepping out of the room and closing the door behind him.

I pulled out a pair of jeans and simple white t-shirt and went into the bathroom to brush my teeth and jump in the shower, even as my mind stayed focused on the previous night.

We hadn’t spoken the entire night, just silently sat beside each other like two strangers. Until just a little past midnight. When I’d gotten cold, something rather odd since it didn’t happen often, my being cold, his arm had gone around me, and that’s how I’d fallen asleep, emotionally drained and pressed against him.

It was intimate, but not in a romantic, despite how we’d fallen sleep. I felt almost as if I’d made myself vulnerable to him somehow, something I’d never done, exposed myself, and… it felt like I’d almost given myself to him in a sense, but that could very possibly have been because of my lack of a social life. For all I knew, it was just a nap, a night spent together accidently and nothing more.

I shook my head. No. I wasn’t going to be one of those girls, the ones who analyzed every single thing a guy did around them. That had never been me, and it wasn’t going to suddenly change.

Once I got out of my rather long shower thanks to my distracting thoughts, I pulled on my clothes and ran a brush through my hair, pausing for a moment to brace myself.

And then, calmly, I stepped outside, grabbing my bag before going downstairs where my parents already sat, awake and waiting for me.

My dad got to his feet, clearly furious. “Where were you all night?”

“In the backyard.”

“Don’t lie to me—”

“She’s not,” Seth said, seeming to appear out of thin air. “She’s out there a lot, whenever she can’t sleep.”

I looked at him, wondering how exactly it was that he knew that.

“Stay out of it,” my father snapped, not looking away from me. “And that boy? The one who went after you yesterday? Were you with him all night?”

“No,” I lied, knowing he’d believe me.

“Before your tantrum yesterday I’d have believed you, but now I’m finding that just a little difficult.”

“So, what? You think I’m just some little slut that sleeps around? You think that’s what I was doing last night? Hanging around street corners trying to get some cash?” I asked defensively, furious.

“Is that what you do? It’s not like you ever tell us where you get your money from.”

Feeling my anger intensify, I only shook my head, turning towards the door. “Think of me what you want. I stopped caring a long time ago.”

When I stepped outside, the first thing I noticed was Charlotte’s car parked in front of Desmond’s house and paused, brow furrowed. What the hell was going on?

Desmond, who’d been putting his bag in the backseat, turned to face me, locking eyes with me instantly. He turned to the car, saying something I couldn’t make out through the distance between us. And then he closed the door, turning and coming towards me.

I squared my shoulders, crossing my arms defiantly.

“How are you?”

I carefully kept my expression blank, not wanting to give away my surprise. I had to admit I didn’t expect that. “Fine, thanks.”

“Liar,” he accused, frowning. “Something’s wrong.”

“It’s nothing—”

“Rylie, I’m so—Desmond. Hey.” I turned to look at Seth just in time to see his eyes travel past Desmond and I to the bright yellow car. “Isn’t that…?”

“Yeah,” Desmond said. “It is. Maybe you should go talk to her.”

He shook his head. “No, uhm, that—that’s okay. I’ll go get the—”

“Seth,” I interrupted. “Go talk to her.”

He hesitated. “Will it make you feel better?”

“Yeah, it will,” I said, surprised to find that a part of me actually meant it.

“Okay.” He took a deep breath. “Okay.”

We watched him start down the stairs and slowly make his way to the car, glancing back at us every few seconds. And then, finally, he was in the car, his eyes on us even as he spoke to Charlotte.

“You were telling me what was wrong,” Desmond said suddenly, bringing my attention back to him.

“No, I was telling you that there was nothing wrong,” I corrected, looking away from my brother and back to him.

“You’re right. And I was calling you a liar.”

I half smiled. “Everything’s fine. Let’s just go see how those two are doing.”

He nodded. “Sure.”

Just as we made it to the car, I saw Seth smile as he leaned over, kissing Charlotte’s forehead. And as he pulled away, his lips formed the words, “I’m so, so sorry.”

I opened his door, poking my head inside. “Please tell me you guys made up.”

Charlotte, biting her lip, slowly nodded and took Seth’s hand. “Yeah, we did, actually. Seth told me about… about yesterday. Thank you.”

I shrugged. “Sure. I didn’t really do anything.”

She smiled. “Seth said you’d say that. But thanks anyway.”

“Mhm. So how are we getting to school?”

“I’ll drive you guys,” Charlotte said, glancing at Seth.

“Great,” I said a little awkwardly, getting in the back.

Desmond followed suit, getting in on the other side of the car and sitting on the edge of his seat, so I was in one corner and he was in the other.

Well, that’s not strange at all.

I saw Desmond every day after fourth. Every single day, we’d walk past each other, not making eye contact or acknowledging each other in any way really for some reason. And being me, I was always ever so careful to avoid contact with others, including him.

But today, as I walked past him, I couldn’t help but stare. And then he turned, looking straight at me, and as he brushed past, his hand lightly brushed my own, his fingers intertwining with mine for a brief, single moment, and then he was gone, the warmth from his hand quickly fading.

I fisted my hand, trying to keep the warmth there.

It was only when I was sitting in class several minutes later, staring at the board in complete and total boredom that it hit me.

I hadn’t flinched away.