Miles to Go

“You’ve always… you’ve always been a bullshitter. You say all this crap, and sometimes it’s nice, hearing about how you’re standing up for me or how you’re going to kick whoever’s ass for doing something to me, but… at the end of the day, they’re all just words. That’s all you do. You talk. And when push comes to shove, you stop pushing and walk away. You never actually do anything you say you will.” Rylie broke off then, and I glanced at her, hands clenching the wheel. She looked drawn, wary, like she’d just made the most painstaking speech of her life.
“Yesterday,” she said after a beat, “yesterday you did.”
I wanted nothing more to deny the things she’d accused me of, but… she was right. Every single thing she’d just said about me was nothing if not true.
Even when we were younger, and Rylie actually had a personality, she was the one who stuck by what she said and what she believed. I was the one who often swayed my opinion to others’, and, while it had never occurred to me, I was all words. When she was hurt because of what someone did, I comforted her and told her all I was going to the other person… but I never actually did any of it.
“Rylie—”
“Seth. Just… forget it, okay?”
Not knowing what else to do, I agreed, staring at her intently from the corner of my eye. She’d turned to look out the window, staring outside unblinkingly. It was almost funny, how the way she carried herself conspired against her I-don’t-give-a-shit attitude. She was always collected, her posture perfect and never relaxed, her clothes almost stiff looking.
And then it hit me.
The way we’d been brought up, with all the chaos and emotional turmoil, had not only messed her up, it had matured her. It didn’t always come across that way because of her reckless approach, but it was there. She was practically an adult; she certainly had more than enough experience.
But who could blame her? It made sense. With our lifestyle, it was almost logical to just grow up instead of remaining a kid and enjoying our existence.
And that’s what life was about, was it not? Logic. It was always about the logic and reasoning. Emotions or thoughts had absolutely nothing to do with it.
I winced. Was this how Rylie thought? How could she bear it?
I shook my head, trying to force myself off that particular train of thought as I pulled into the driveway. Even before I’d fully pulled to a stop, Rylie was getting out of the car, bag in hand.
But this wasn’t a surprise.
So I did all that I could and climbed out of the car, and, at a much slower pace, made my way inside, dropping my bag by the door as I went straight to the kitchen where I could find my mother putting together a snack for Rylie and I.
And, lo and behold, there she was, making salads.
“Honey, is everything alright? I heard Rylie come in but she didn’t even say hello.”
“She’s fine, mom.” I couldn’t help the frown that flittered across my face. She was unbelievable.
“Are you sure—”
“Are we moving again?” I interrupted, stuffing my hands in my pockets.
“What? Honey, where are you—”
“Answer the question, mom. I don’t want to hear anything about how things like that aren’t preplanned and whatever else. Just answer the question.”
She stuttered for a moment before answering, “No, I don’t think so. Are you unhappy here, is that it? What—”
“Even if I was unhappy, what would you do about it? We only pick up and leave when you guys are unhappy and you know it.”
“Seth, what are—”
I scoffed, unable to help myself. As I said, unbelievable. “You really don’t get it, do you? You’re not playing oblivious or anything. You honestly don’t see it.”
“See it? What are you talking—”
“Forget it,” I said with a sigh as my lips curled in a bitter smile. “Just forget it.”
“Seth!”
“I’ve got homework, mom.”
“Seth! Talk to me.”
I angrily turned to her, eyes narrowed. “You live in a glass house. No one cares about how perfect you make us seem except for you. You’ve raised us to believe that looks and perceptions are everything. Well, mom, they’re not.
“We’ve spent our entire childhood spinning things around, lying to everyone, including ourselves, because you taught us that no one could know. No one could know how screwed up we were or the truth about your so-called “perfect family.” Well, I’m done. I’m done with the lies and your perfect life.”
“S—”
“No. I don’t want to hear it. And as hard as it is for you, I don’t care if you insist on me helping you keep up pretenses, but leave Rylie alone.”
“Rylie? W—”
“Yes, Rylie. You wanted me to watch out for her? Well, I am now.”
After a beat during which I honestly thought she was going to have me psychoanalyzed, she nodded. “Fine. Let’s just ignore the fact that I’ve taken care of the both of you, fed you, kept a roof over your head. But if that’s how you feel, fine. I’ll leave you alone.” She stepped away from the bowl of salad and towards the doorway.
“No, mom, that’s not what I’m saying. I’m just saying maybe you should stop caring about others so much and start caring about us, your family.”
“Yes,” she said steadily, “I’m sure that’s what you were just saying.”
I could only watch her leave the room, brow furrowed. Why was it I was constantly messing up with someone?

I ended up on the beach twenty minutes later.
I was sure I looked miserable, wearing jeans and a tee-shirt and hanging out alone. But it was better than being inside.
“New kid!” I heard a familiar voice say as a strawberry blond ran up to me, stopping when she was next to me.
I blinked once, twice, stunned that I was seeing her again, here of all places. “Hey.”
“You remember me, right? I’ll be offended if you don’t,” she warned teasingly as she mockingly placed her fisted hands on her bare hips.
“No, no. Charlotte, from that party. I remember.”
She smirked, pleased. “Good. Want to tell me why you’re here, all miserably pathetic looking by yourself?”
My eyes narrowed slightly even as my lips twitched. “Not really, no.”
“Hopeless,” she accused, grabbing my elbow and tugging me to the sandy ground with her. “Hasn’t anyone told you you’re supposed to be miserably pathetic with company? God.”
I laughed. “Well, I’m not miserably pathetic anymore, but feel free to hang around anyway.”
“Oh, don’t worry. That was my plan anyway. I’m just shameless like that.”
My eyebrow rose as I laughed. “Are you always so open to sharing your life?”
She shrugged. “Sure. Because then if the person you’re talking to doesn’t like you, it’ll get settled faster before things get tangled and messy and complicated.”
“That was, uhm,” I rubbed the back of my neck, “a pretty long run-on sentence.”
“Yeah, I do that a lot.” She grinned. “But I get nineties in English, so it’s okay.”
“Ah,” I agreed, “well if you get nineties.”
“Exactly.” She paused. “Was that sarcastic?”
“No,” I lied all too innocently, “of course not.”
She laughed. “Look at that. You actually have more of a personality than I thought. Last time all you really did was agree with me and stare a lot.”
I playfully glared at her. “Are we even?”
“Yes.”
“Good.”
She laughed again, and I decided I liked her laugh, if only because she used it so often, even when things weren’t funny. She had a nice smile too, something else she used very often. “You’re pretty nice, for a jock.”
“Now that’s just stereotypical,” I chastised lightly. “Big into labels?”
“Hm, nope, not really. I was kind of hoping it bothered you though.” She beamed. “Did it work?”
“You’re funny,” I said sarcastically, failing to keep a straight face when she laughed again.
“Aren’t I though? What about you, Mr. Personality? You any fun?”
I looked at her, eyebrows raised. “Why don’t you find out?”

“I wouldn’t try that.”
I jumped, turning to look towards the source of the words. “Aren’t you in my trig class?” I asked, looking at the blonde curiously.
He only shrugged. “You’d have better luck with the window.”
I looked at the dark house, then the empty beach, and then back to the blonde again. “Why?”
He jutted his chin out towards the house. “Wait for it.”
Just as I looked, the kitchen lights flickered on and a shadow moved past the window. “How did you…?”
“I’m out here a lot,” he explained.
“With her?”
He stared at me. “You’re not serious.”
“Right. Uhm, thanks.”
He just shrugged again.
“Do you know what she looks like?”
“Young. About your age.”
I nodded. “Then it’s okay. Thanks, again.”
“Sure.”
I sent him a grateful smile before climbing over the fence and jogging to the French doors before slipping inside. “Hey,” I greeted, glancing at Rylie who was comfortably situated on the kitchen counter. “What are you doing awake?”
“Couldn’t sleep. Where have you been?”
“Out.”
She nodded. “Right. Who’ve you been with?”
I stopped mid step, turning to look at her. “Did you just make a joke?”
She shook her head. “It was a serious question.”
“Was it?”
“Mhm.”
I grinned. “I met this girl.”
“And you were with her until two in the morning?”
“Yeah.” When I saw her head cock to the side, I backtracked. “No, not like—not like that. We were talking. And we walked across the beach.” I half smiled. “And I was tackled in the water. That’s it.”
She nodded. “Okay.”
“Either you don’t believe me, or you don’t care. Which one is it?” I asked, praying she wouldn’t say the latter. That would just… it would undo just about everything.
“No, I believe you. I think.”
I laughed, and I saw her eyebrow rise in surprise, which just made my smile widen even more. “I’m going to bed, Rile. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Set—” she broke off, and when I looked at her, she was very careful to look at everything but me.
“Yeah?”
“Uhm. Dry your hair, before… you’ll catch a cold.”
I slowly nodded, too stunned to react in any other way. “Right. Thanks, I’ll do that.”
“Sure.”
“Good night, Rylie. Try to get some sleep, okay?”
“Okay.”
I stepped out of the room before remembering and poking my head back in. “Oh, by the way, our neighbor sits outside during this time. He tells me you’re here every night. Lack of sleep can get you sick, too, you know.”
And, while she was still frowning at me, I ducked out of the room and silently snuck up the stairs, wondering why since my parents were heavy sleepers.
But I did it anyway until I got inside my room.
And, after changing and drying my hair, I went to sleep, strangely content.

“Rylie! Wake up, we’re late!” I snapped, touching her shoulder.
She gasped, flinching upright and away from me until I no longer touched her. “Don’t do that. What’s wrong with you?”
I stared at her, hand midair. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah, just don’t…” she sighed. “Never mind. Did you want something?”
“We’re late. You need to get dressed.”
She ran a hand through her hair before picking up her phone. “We’re like already two hours late.”
“It’s okay—”
“We already missed official attendance. Does it really matter?”
I frowned at her it-doesn’t-matter attitude before realizing how stupid it was, expecting otherwise. Small steps were always good. “I guess not. I’m kind of surprised you’d rather stay home though.”
After staring at me for a moment, she very deliberately said, “We live on the beach.”
“But you hate the beach.”
She shrugged. “I’m not too fond of in here either.”

And so that’s where we ended up, on the beach an hour later, after we’d both gotten changed and ready.
“You look bored out of your mind,” I commented, watching Rylie as she stared out at the horizon.
“I am bored out of my mind. I don’t understand the appeal of this.”
I laughed. “Just relax. It’ll come to you.”
Instead of responding, or reacting in any way really, she stared at me skeptically. “This is the second time you’ve laughed in the last twelve hours.”
I shrugged. “It does happen, you know.”
“Not with you, it doesn’t.”
“Well, it does now.”
She turned back to the horizon, not dignifying that with a response.
“Hey, Rylie?”
“What?”
“Just out of curiosity… what does appeal to you?”
She turned to look at me, the movement so slow and precise that I immediately knew what was coming and internally winced. “What is your problem?”
“I know that sounded a lot worse than it did in my head,” that much was certainly true, even if it didn’t come off that way, “but I’m…” I faltered, irritated when I couldn’t find the right words. “I know nothing about you. I’m just trying to know something about you.”
“Really? Because to me it just sounded like you were trying to ask me if I was doing drugs again.”
This time I did wince. “Not my best moment, I’ll admit. And I am sorry about that.” When she didn’t respond, I whispered her name, worrying I’d just undone everything that happened over the last few days.
Her shoulders rose with a sigh, dropping when she let out the breath. “Yeah, I know.”
“That’s all you have to say?”
“I—” she stuttered for a moment, hesitated, and finally said, “This isn’t a movie where an apology fixes things, Seth. We’ve been messed up for too long to fix it in a couple of days or weeks or even months.”
My head snapped to the side to face her. “You… that’s exactly what you said to what’s-her-face a couple of years ago. That girl who used to be your best friend, just before you guys stopped talking entirely.”
“The situation… was different,” she conceded. “Not only did I not have to live with her, but… you and her aren’t at all similar.”
“I would hope so,” I said quickly, repelled by the thought. “I’d hate myself if that were the case.”
“But you are like her,” she said softly, pulling her knees up to her chest. “I’m not saying that to get back at you or something, I’m being honest. You were both nice, yes. But you were nice to strangers while you both treated me like crap. And I was her so-called best friend, your sister.” She glanced at me before quickly looking away. “I was only her best friend in school, or when she was alone and/or miserable. I was only your sister when no one else was around. You were always my brother. Always. But that made no difference then, and it makes no difference now.”
“Rylie—”
“Everyone, at some point in my life, has either hurt me, or left me. I know what you think of me. But am I really so bad if the way I am protects me?”
“Are you serious? Rylie, you don’t feel anything! That isn’t normal, I don’t care if it protects you or not. I could tear you apart right now, and it wouldn’t affect you. You’d continue your life as though nothing happened.” I took a deep breath, knowing I had to calm down and speak rationally if I had even a prayer of getting through to her. “Everything you just said… it could bring even the strongest person to tears. And then there’s you. You speak in monotone words, grunts, and nods. I’ve never in my life seen you cry since you learned to speak. I remember when you broke your arm in the second grade and you didn’t even cry then or utter a single complaint.
“And right now, it’s almost funny because if I didn’t know any better, I’d say you were trying to justify being the way you are, especially because you flat out told me you know what I think of you, which I’m sure is all wrong. But in reality, in your reality, that means that you know, but don’t really care.”
She nodded. “I won’t deny that. But I’m not wrong about the way I believe you perceive me.”
“Yes, you are. That’s the thing, Rylie. Things change. Nothing in life is carved in concrete except for maybe our names on the driveway of the house we were born in. So yeah, I’m sure you were right, at one point. But what I think of you today isn’t even close to what I thought of you a few weeks ago when we first moved here, or even what I thought of you only yesterday.
“You were telling me about that girl, your old best friend. That’s the perfect example. There was a point in time when you were inseparable, and by the time your friendship ended, you were nothing if not separated. Things happen, Rylie.”
“That’s very true,” she agreed, nodding, “but I don’t have to care if it does. I chose the easier way to live, Seth. I’m sticking to that.”
“It’s not easier, even if it seems that way! It’s stupid, and it sure as hell isn’t living. Tell me the last time you smiled, really smiled, or laughed and had a good time. Tell me the last time you did something for fun, because you wanted to do it for yourself. And drinking doesn’t count.”
Her eyebrow rose, but she didn’t voice her question. So I said, “Yeah, I know about the drinking, Rylie. I even know about the drugs you got into in the last town we lived in. Why do you think Tyler or whatever his name was stopped dealing to you? The first time you tried it, I thought you were experimenting and let it go. But the fifth time you went and got high, I fixed your problem for you.”
I shook my head. “The drinking is a bigger problem, and it’s hardly something in my ability to stop. But it doesn’t mean I don’t know about it.” After a two minute silence during which we both stared at the waves crashing against the shore, I softly said, “Now would be the time where you deny this before finally asking if I’d told our parents.”
“There’s nothing to deny,” she said just as quietly, “it’s not true.”
“You’re a good liar, Rylie, everyone knows it. But you can’t alter the truth when I’ve seen it with my own eyes.”
“We’re in high school. People drink. It happens.”
I scoffed. “I’m surprised to hear that from you of all people. Even if you’re the most passive person now, we both know how strong of a personality you’ve got. The last thing you’d let happen is let yourself get influenced by others or do something just because everyone’s doing it and it’s cool. Everything you’ve done, all the decisions you’ve made, good or bad, are your doing.”
“I’m not denying that.”
“I knew you wouldn’t. You’ve always taken responsibility for your actions. That can’t be said for many people. Hell, it can’t even be said for me. How many times have you taken the blame for me?”
“Never.”
“Liar. I can think of a few times.”
“Must’ve dreamt them up.”
“Whatever you say.”
She only closed her eyes, her tense muscles visibly relaxing. It had finally hit her, the warm sun and the salty breeze.
Following her example, I too closed my eyes, breathing in sync with the waves as I let the conversation end.