‹ Prequel: Year 3

Senior Year

Winter Week 10; (3.10.19)

I literally haven't been this torn since maybe Spring quarter last year, and maybe even since freshman year when I met my now girlfriend. But, anyways, here is the story of the past few weeks and most of the quarter.

The Filipino Dance Showcase is in Spring quarter, and one of the dances I'm in is a partner dance. My partner is super cool, and over the past week, I've gotten to know her really well, and dare I say I may be falling for her a bit. She's really amazing and I'm always excited to see her. Like, this is bad, but I'll drop a little description of the way I feel below. I know I shouldn't feel this way, but lately, my girlfriend has not been the happiest, and it's really difficult for me to be happy, when she's struggling and is generally miserable, and I don't know if it's something I can work with her on, or if it's just something she needs to figure out on her own. I might break up with her so she can work on herself, because it's really getting me down that she's unhappy.

And this other girl, she has a boyfriend. She doesn't really mention him, and I haven't really seen any pictures of them together, so I'm not sure what their relationship is like. But whatever she's doing, she's happy doing, and I think that's what attracts me. The genuine and innate happiness she has about her. I knew I was in trouble, because I was thinking about why I enjoyed hanging out with her so much, and it's because of the way she laughs. It's honestly toxic, and there's a twitch in her nose when she finds something really funny and I knew I was in trouble.

I've been struggling to try and distance myself, but the way we are at practice is kind of flirty, and we text each other song suggestions, which is something I personally find very opening for someone to do. Music is very special, and when somebody shares a song, I feel like it's a large gesture. But we've been hanging out, getting food, and talking, and I really couldn't take it anymore. So yesterday, I went to a party for a few of the dance groups, and really just drank to try and forget how I felt and the anxiety and everything. But she was at a different party, and was drunk texting me a little. And then proceeded to call me. So not only was I thinking about her at that point, but now she's got me all messed up, and I can't focus.

Call me crazy, please. I know I am, and I can't take anymore. I don't think I would ever confess, but if there's a point of no turning back, this is it. This is that point. She made me rediscover how music can change a person. In my eyes, she was mine.