‹ Prequel: Dear God
Status: ACTIVE
Almost Easy
Cause you’ll miss the fire I be
Liz’s POV
The house sold, and that was the first step. The next step was a storage unit for all my shit while I found out what I was doing next. I kept a duffel bag of the clothes that currently fit me, and a few that would fit me while I got bigger, in the back of my car. I had switched over my phone number the day the house sold, as the switch went through I had declined a phone call from Zack while tears stung my eyes. I had left a note for Zack at the hospital with Dad this morning before I left, I told him to give it to Zack the next time he was there. I glanced down at my stomach as I drove up the highway, the feeling once against hitting me that what I was doing was going to be the hardest decision I’d ever made. I needed to let my heart heal, fully, and that meant I needed to leave all of California behind.
I couldn’t keep Zack without keeping a part of Matt, I couldn’t keep any of them without keeping a part of Matt. Now that I was going to physically going to have a part of Matt with me for the next however many years, that would be hard enough, I needed to give myself space, my heart space, my head space to find some semblance of a healthy life again. I needed to finally remember what a real smile felt like.
That also meant leaving Marie, and work, especially work. The phone laying on the seat beside me was clean, it a name saved inside the memory, not a trace of California, not a single email address connected and my social media was inactive. I breathed in and out as the state line for Nevada. If I knew any of my friends, or family, correctly someone would have managed to put LAX on their radar for my departure and I couldn’t leave from there. If I stayed in Vegas for a few days and then left from there I could almost bet I’d be set. Where was my landing pin set? I wasn’t sure yet, that’s what Vegas was for. I had yanked all my cash from my bank accounts and sliced up my credit cards so Matt wouldn’t have any way of tracking them since a few were still joint between us.
“Here goes.” I inhaled again as I watched the signs for California on the opposite side of the high way disappear in my rear view.
.:.:.:.:.
Matt’s POV
“You don’t understand,” Zack pleaded with the woman behind the desk at customer service of LAX, “She’s my sister, she’s pregnant, and I need to know if she’s on a plane leaving, or has left.”
“I can’t let you know that, sir.” She sighed again, “Your best bet is filing a missing persons report with the police.”
“Yeah, you’re right, come on.” Zack grabbed me by the arm as his fingers dialed in Liz’s number on his phone for the millionth time since we stepped in the building. It was becoming subliminal for him. “We have to get to Huntington PD-“
“Zack, we know why she left and we know she’s safe.” Brian sighed as he hurriedly followed us, “The realtor said Liz mentioned a new start and you know how she is.”
“So I’m supposed to give up on her!?” Zack turned quickly as we exited the building, “Her and my nephew? Just like that?!”
“No, but we’ve done all we can do. You know Liz wouldn’t want you to worry like this.” Brian grabbed on to Zack’s arm, “Come on, let’s go grab a drink or something.”
“Yeah, I know… Yeah.” Zack nodded and looked at me, “How are you not already at the PD filing a report?”
“Because I’m with Brian on this and that’s the only thing keeping me from breaking down.” I shrugged, “She just took away from me one of the most exciting and important things to me but… I know Liz, just like you do. If you chase her she’s only going to run farther and we’ve been really up her ass.”
“Alright, I’m going to go visit my parents for a bit… maybe mom will be up for a trip outside today since it’s really nice out.”
“There ya go,” Brian smiled, “Alright I’ll drive this asshole home. You have a good visit, ok? Call me later or something?”
“Alright.” Zack nodded and left, leaving Brian and I to walked the parking lot away from him.
“You think she’s ok?” Brian lit up a cigarette.
“Oh totally, it’s Liz. But I’m still worried as fuck, I’m clinging to dust here staying sane.” I grabbed the pack from his hands before he tucked it back in his pocket, “I want to know that kid so bad… I want to be in his life.”
“I know, I can’t imagine, Matt. It’ll be ok, she’ll come around, she always does.” He unlocked the car and opened his door, “It’s Liz, you two have this unhealthy way of finding each other at the end of the day.”
.:.:.:.:.:.
Zack’s POV
I walked down the hallway of the care home towards my Mom’s room, my mind in every other place but here. Wherever Liz could be or whoever she could be with. The fact she hadn’t even come to me about leaving was what hurt me the deepest. She’d always managed to keep me in the loop before, but this time, apparently this time I couldn’t even make the cut.
“Hey guys.” I smiled and walked in the room, Mom was sitting up having lunch and Dad was watching TV by her bed, I tried masking the problems behind my voice as I leaned over and gave her a hug.
“Hey there, Z.” Dad smiled and gave me a quick hug.
“Have either of you heard from Liz?” I asked, taking a seat on the opposite side of Mom’s bed, leaning my body against the top of her bed next to her.
“Oh, actually yeah,” Dad reached on to the table next to him, my heart skipping a beat as he picked up a small folded stack of paper, “She left this for you this morning, said to-“
“This morning?” I asked, he nodded, “Sorry keep talking.”
“Said to make sure you read it next time you were here.” He stared at me, “I didn’t peek, is everything ok?”
“Uh, I think so.” I nodded and opened the papers, holding it high enough to hide any expression coming over my face. That would be a task.
Zacky Bear.
I’m assuming by the time you get this the explanation will be well deserved. I don’t know where to start, I’ve written dozens of these over the last few days and honestly I’m not sure this is even good but the clocks ticking for me to go before someone realizes my phones off.
Tell Jacky I love her and to keep those little ones coming, Coltons going to need lots of playmates his when we come to visit. Give the group my love, this decision was the hardest decision I’ve ever made in my life, and we all know the severity of my decisions through this life. I can’t tell you exactly where it is that I’m going, I’m not even sure at this point but I’m driving and I don’t plan on stopping too soon. Tell Mom and Dad I’ll be back soon, but don’t get them worked up please, tell them with the amount of grace it’s taking you to read this in front of them without showing what’s wrong. I love them so much and I know I’m walking away from precious time.
Give Liddy extra love and hold her extra tight, Zack, let her know how much she’s loved and teach her never to settle for anything less than what you and Jacky give her. That was my fault and that’s what made me decide to leave. I was settling for less than the love you, mom, and dad have showed me my whole life. I look at what you and Jacky have and realize that’s not something California has in it’s back pocket for me. My hand’s cramping up writing this but I need to get it off my chest before I go.
I need to breathe, again, I need to remember what it felt like to be so excessively happy that the promise of another day wasn’t like a death sentence to my heart. I need to wake up somewhere that feels new, I want to lay down my single mom roots somewhere no one really knows what I’ve come from. Far enough to forget what a sunset over the ocean looks like but still close enough I won’t need a passport to visit. I love you with all my heart big brother, I know this probably isn’t easy right now and if we’re as alike as everyone says, you’re probably crying on this paper as much as I am. But I will call you when it’s time, and I will reach out when I feel like I’ve found my footing once again. Please don’t search too hard and please don’t worry yourself about me. I’m fine and I’m not going to secretly keep contact with anyone for the sake of peace and letting you all continue your lives.
So until we speak again, know that I love you, and pass that love around to everyone who deserves it. And tell Matt that he won.
Love forever, Little Baker
I wiped my eyes and put the paper down, my eyes meeting a very concerned Mom and Dad, “Oh, where do I start?” I laughed a little and folded the paper up as I began my simple attempt at explaining the situation without worrying them.
The house sold, and that was the first step. The next step was a storage unit for all my shit while I found out what I was doing next. I kept a duffel bag of the clothes that currently fit me, and a few that would fit me while I got bigger, in the back of my car. I had switched over my phone number the day the house sold, as the switch went through I had declined a phone call from Zack while tears stung my eyes. I had left a note for Zack at the hospital with Dad this morning before I left, I told him to give it to Zack the next time he was there. I glanced down at my stomach as I drove up the highway, the feeling once against hitting me that what I was doing was going to be the hardest decision I’d ever made. I needed to let my heart heal, fully, and that meant I needed to leave all of California behind.
I couldn’t keep Zack without keeping a part of Matt, I couldn’t keep any of them without keeping a part of Matt. Now that I was going to physically going to have a part of Matt with me for the next however many years, that would be hard enough, I needed to give myself space, my heart space, my head space to find some semblance of a healthy life again. I needed to finally remember what a real smile felt like.
That also meant leaving Marie, and work, especially work. The phone laying on the seat beside me was clean, it a name saved inside the memory, not a trace of California, not a single email address connected and my social media was inactive. I breathed in and out as the state line for Nevada. If I knew any of my friends, or family, correctly someone would have managed to put LAX on their radar for my departure and I couldn’t leave from there. If I stayed in Vegas for a few days and then left from there I could almost bet I’d be set. Where was my landing pin set? I wasn’t sure yet, that’s what Vegas was for. I had yanked all my cash from my bank accounts and sliced up my credit cards so Matt wouldn’t have any way of tracking them since a few were still joint between us.
“Here goes.” I inhaled again as I watched the signs for California on the opposite side of the high way disappear in my rear view.
.:.:.:.:.
Matt’s POV
“You don’t understand,” Zack pleaded with the woman behind the desk at customer service of LAX, “She’s my sister, she’s pregnant, and I need to know if she’s on a plane leaving, or has left.”
“I can’t let you know that, sir.” She sighed again, “Your best bet is filing a missing persons report with the police.”
“Yeah, you’re right, come on.” Zack grabbed me by the arm as his fingers dialed in Liz’s number on his phone for the millionth time since we stepped in the building. It was becoming subliminal for him. “We have to get to Huntington PD-“
“Zack, we know why she left and we know she’s safe.” Brian sighed as he hurriedly followed us, “The realtor said Liz mentioned a new start and you know how she is.”
“So I’m supposed to give up on her!?” Zack turned quickly as we exited the building, “Her and my nephew? Just like that?!”
“No, but we’ve done all we can do. You know Liz wouldn’t want you to worry like this.” Brian grabbed on to Zack’s arm, “Come on, let’s go grab a drink or something.”
“Yeah, I know… Yeah.” Zack nodded and looked at me, “How are you not already at the PD filing a report?”
“Because I’m with Brian on this and that’s the only thing keeping me from breaking down.” I shrugged, “She just took away from me one of the most exciting and important things to me but… I know Liz, just like you do. If you chase her she’s only going to run farther and we’ve been really up her ass.”
“Alright, I’m going to go visit my parents for a bit… maybe mom will be up for a trip outside today since it’s really nice out.”
“There ya go,” Brian smiled, “Alright I’ll drive this asshole home. You have a good visit, ok? Call me later or something?”
“Alright.” Zack nodded and left, leaving Brian and I to walked the parking lot away from him.
“You think she’s ok?” Brian lit up a cigarette.
“Oh totally, it’s Liz. But I’m still worried as fuck, I’m clinging to dust here staying sane.” I grabbed the pack from his hands before he tucked it back in his pocket, “I want to know that kid so bad… I want to be in his life.”
“I know, I can’t imagine, Matt. It’ll be ok, she’ll come around, she always does.” He unlocked the car and opened his door, “It’s Liz, you two have this unhealthy way of finding each other at the end of the day.”
.:.:.:.:.:.
Zack’s POV
I walked down the hallway of the care home towards my Mom’s room, my mind in every other place but here. Wherever Liz could be or whoever she could be with. The fact she hadn’t even come to me about leaving was what hurt me the deepest. She’d always managed to keep me in the loop before, but this time, apparently this time I couldn’t even make the cut.
“Hey guys.” I smiled and walked in the room, Mom was sitting up having lunch and Dad was watching TV by her bed, I tried masking the problems behind my voice as I leaned over and gave her a hug.
“Hey there, Z.” Dad smiled and gave me a quick hug.
“Have either of you heard from Liz?” I asked, taking a seat on the opposite side of Mom’s bed, leaning my body against the top of her bed next to her.
“Oh, actually yeah,” Dad reached on to the table next to him, my heart skipping a beat as he picked up a small folded stack of paper, “She left this for you this morning, said to-“
“This morning?” I asked, he nodded, “Sorry keep talking.”
“Said to make sure you read it next time you were here.” He stared at me, “I didn’t peek, is everything ok?”
“Uh, I think so.” I nodded and opened the papers, holding it high enough to hide any expression coming over my face. That would be a task.
Zacky Bear.
I’m assuming by the time you get this the explanation will be well deserved. I don’t know where to start, I’ve written dozens of these over the last few days and honestly I’m not sure this is even good but the clocks ticking for me to go before someone realizes my phones off.
Tell Jacky I love her and to keep those little ones coming, Coltons going to need lots of playmates his when we come to visit. Give the group my love, this decision was the hardest decision I’ve ever made in my life, and we all know the severity of my decisions through this life. I can’t tell you exactly where it is that I’m going, I’m not even sure at this point but I’m driving and I don’t plan on stopping too soon. Tell Mom and Dad I’ll be back soon, but don’t get them worked up please, tell them with the amount of grace it’s taking you to read this in front of them without showing what’s wrong. I love them so much and I know I’m walking away from precious time.
Give Liddy extra love and hold her extra tight, Zack, let her know how much she’s loved and teach her never to settle for anything less than what you and Jacky give her. That was my fault and that’s what made me decide to leave. I was settling for less than the love you, mom, and dad have showed me my whole life. I look at what you and Jacky have and realize that’s not something California has in it’s back pocket for me. My hand’s cramping up writing this but I need to get it off my chest before I go.
I need to breathe, again, I need to remember what it felt like to be so excessively happy that the promise of another day wasn’t like a death sentence to my heart. I need to wake up somewhere that feels new, I want to lay down my single mom roots somewhere no one really knows what I’ve come from. Far enough to forget what a sunset over the ocean looks like but still close enough I won’t need a passport to visit. I love you with all my heart big brother, I know this probably isn’t easy right now and if we’re as alike as everyone says, you’re probably crying on this paper as much as I am. But I will call you when it’s time, and I will reach out when I feel like I’ve found my footing once again. Please don’t search too hard and please don’t worry yourself about me. I’m fine and I’m not going to secretly keep contact with anyone for the sake of peace and letting you all continue your lives.
So until we speak again, know that I love you, and pass that love around to everyone who deserves it. And tell Matt that he won.
Love forever, Little Baker
I wiped my eyes and put the paper down, my eyes meeting a very concerned Mom and Dad, “Oh, where do I start?” I laughed a little and folded the paper up as I began my simple attempt at explaining the situation without worrying them.