Status: In Progress
Where Is My Mind?
TWO - BEFORE
God, he's getting worse.. The thought crossed her mind as sat across the dinner table, watching him pick at his food like a child who wasn't hungry. She didn't have much of an appetite herself, but she knew her reasons for not eating were very much different than his.
"Why would you put mushrooms in the sauce? You dumb bitch. Been married six years and you still don't know what I don't like." He muttered at her. She gulped down her water then sighed. Yes, she knew he didn't like mushrooms. And for six long years, she never put them in any food she served him. What inspired her to do so tonight, she didn't know. But she was hardly sorry. She loved mushrooms herself. She expected him to pick a fight about it. Ben could pick a fight about anything.
"Honey, I made a cake to eat afterwards. Pineapple upside-down, your favorite. You can pick around the mushrooms and I'll eat them myself." As the words left her mouth, Ben slammed his fist down onto the table.
"I shouldn't have to pick around the mushrooms, Kelly! Why would you even fucking buy them from the store? Waste of goddamn money." Ben retorted, and dropped his fork onto the table. He doesn't want cake, she scolded herself. "I work all fucking day to put a roof over your ungrateful little head, to put food on this table that you can feed me, and you waste the money I've worked for to buy these.. this.. nasty fungus and for what, Kelly?" She could see his face begin to turn red. Why did she do it? She knew better. She knew it would start a fight, she knew better.
"I'm sorry, Ben. It was just supposed to compliment the flavor of the sauce. You don't have to eat them." Kelly's attitude peaked through her words and Ben could sense it.
"You better watch your tone! I have enough to deal with on a daily basis without your disgusting sarcasm and comments. Just keep your fucking mouth shut, or I'll beat some sense into you. Got it?" He was glaring at her with his dark eyes, both fists now on the table as he centered her in his vision. Anger and fear was causing her heart to start racing, her blood vessels clenching and making her sweat. He was definitely getting worse.
Ben had always been on the more aggressive side, even while they were dating. She met him when she was twenty, and at that time, she found his contentious demeanor exciting, even attractive. But at that time, it was never directed towards her. Instead, his fierce personality made him strong in her eyes, and made her feel safe. She knew that he would fight for her, be a leader and a protector. Kelly had a bit of a feisty personality of her own, but she had been willingly submissive for Ben. In the first few years of their relationship, that consenting, even enthusiastic, submission of hers paired with his assertive personality made for a dynamic, happy and provocative relationship, going into their marriage. Sure, they fought. But what couple didn't have to rough it out every now and then? The make-up sex afterwards was always the best.
But after a few years of being married, the fights got more than verbal. When Ben began to use his hands, Kelly's willful submission turned into more of a forced submission. She hated to admit it, but she grew fearful of him. When that kind of quarrel first started, he would only lay hands on her occasionally, after big fights. Kelly had backed her car into his truck one afternoon, adorning his fender with a grisly scratch and a petty dent. That was the first time it got so violent that she had to hide the marks and bruises from her friends and coworkers the following week. The fight had hurt her pride more than anything, though. She always considered herself a strong woman with her own sense of independence. She wanted to be a good wife and she truly loved Ben. However, his bubbling anger began to make her feel like she sincerely believed that she had deserved what had happened to her, despite the spunky personality in her that retorted at the thought of being treated that way. On another occasion, Kelly had been dancing around the living room while drinking a glass of chardonnay and had bumped into Ben as he was leaving the house for work, successfully spilling the burgundy "happiness elixir" (as she had called it most of her life) all over his pristine white button-up. In a vicious rage, Ben had grabbed her by the hair and pushed her against the wall, screaming obscenities and consequently breaking the cheap wine glass in the process. During that particular fight, Kelly had been just intoxicated enough to dare to roll her eyes in the middle of her (heartfelt) apology, provoking Ben to slap her hard in the face and punching her a few times in the gut. I'm seeing stars, she had remembered thinking as she had doubled over in a heaving pain.
For the most part, their fights had been minimally violent. A slap here or there became more common, but in all honesty, it didn't bother Kelly the way she felt like it should have. After all, the rest of their relationship was mostly perfect. The sex was still great, even after six years. In the last year however, the fights had become worse. Much worse. Ben always seemed angry, fuming over little things and picking fights frequently. He started hitting her regularly, over seemingly meaningless issues. Over the last month, it had become a daily ritual. Kelly ultimately knew that it didn't matter whether or not she had added the mushrooms to the sauce. Before the end of the day, Ben would have found something, anything, to get angry about that would conclusively turn into a fight. Kelly knew that no matter what she did, she would be treating fresh wounds tonight. It was because of these things that Kelly would look at Ben from across the table every single night and think, he's getting worse.
"Got it." Kelly spoke up from across the table.
"Why would you put mushrooms in the sauce? You dumb bitch. Been married six years and you still don't know what I don't like." He muttered at her. She gulped down her water then sighed. Yes, she knew he didn't like mushrooms. And for six long years, she never put them in any food she served him. What inspired her to do so tonight, she didn't know. But she was hardly sorry. She loved mushrooms herself. She expected him to pick a fight about it. Ben could pick a fight about anything.
"Honey, I made a cake to eat afterwards. Pineapple upside-down, your favorite. You can pick around the mushrooms and I'll eat them myself." As the words left her mouth, Ben slammed his fist down onto the table.
"I shouldn't have to pick around the mushrooms, Kelly! Why would you even fucking buy them from the store? Waste of goddamn money." Ben retorted, and dropped his fork onto the table. He doesn't want cake, she scolded herself. "I work all fucking day to put a roof over your ungrateful little head, to put food on this table that you can feed me, and you waste the money I've worked for to buy these.. this.. nasty fungus and for what, Kelly?" She could see his face begin to turn red. Why did she do it? She knew better. She knew it would start a fight, she knew better.
"I'm sorry, Ben. It was just supposed to compliment the flavor of the sauce. You don't have to eat them." Kelly's attitude peaked through her words and Ben could sense it.
"You better watch your tone! I have enough to deal with on a daily basis without your disgusting sarcasm and comments. Just keep your fucking mouth shut, or I'll beat some sense into you. Got it?" He was glaring at her with his dark eyes, both fists now on the table as he centered her in his vision. Anger and fear was causing her heart to start racing, her blood vessels clenching and making her sweat. He was definitely getting worse.
Ben had always been on the more aggressive side, even while they were dating. She met him when she was twenty, and at that time, she found his contentious demeanor exciting, even attractive. But at that time, it was never directed towards her. Instead, his fierce personality made him strong in her eyes, and made her feel safe. She knew that he would fight for her, be a leader and a protector. Kelly had a bit of a feisty personality of her own, but she had been willingly submissive for Ben. In the first few years of their relationship, that consenting, even enthusiastic, submission of hers paired with his assertive personality made for a dynamic, happy and provocative relationship, going into their marriage. Sure, they fought. But what couple didn't have to rough it out every now and then? The make-up sex afterwards was always the best.
But after a few years of being married, the fights got more than verbal. When Ben began to use his hands, Kelly's willful submission turned into more of a forced submission. She hated to admit it, but she grew fearful of him. When that kind of quarrel first started, he would only lay hands on her occasionally, after big fights. Kelly had backed her car into his truck one afternoon, adorning his fender with a grisly scratch and a petty dent. That was the first time it got so violent that she had to hide the marks and bruises from her friends and coworkers the following week. The fight had hurt her pride more than anything, though. She always considered herself a strong woman with her own sense of independence. She wanted to be a good wife and she truly loved Ben. However, his bubbling anger began to make her feel like she sincerely believed that she had deserved what had happened to her, despite the spunky personality in her that retorted at the thought of being treated that way. On another occasion, Kelly had been dancing around the living room while drinking a glass of chardonnay and had bumped into Ben as he was leaving the house for work, successfully spilling the burgundy "happiness elixir" (as she had called it most of her life) all over his pristine white button-up. In a vicious rage, Ben had grabbed her by the hair and pushed her against the wall, screaming obscenities and consequently breaking the cheap wine glass in the process. During that particular fight, Kelly had been just intoxicated enough to dare to roll her eyes in the middle of her (heartfelt) apology, provoking Ben to slap her hard in the face and punching her a few times in the gut. I'm seeing stars, she had remembered thinking as she had doubled over in a heaving pain.
For the most part, their fights had been minimally violent. A slap here or there became more common, but in all honesty, it didn't bother Kelly the way she felt like it should have. After all, the rest of their relationship was mostly perfect. The sex was still great, even after six years. In the last year however, the fights had become worse. Much worse. Ben always seemed angry, fuming over little things and picking fights frequently. He started hitting her regularly, over seemingly meaningless issues. Over the last month, it had become a daily ritual. Kelly ultimately knew that it didn't matter whether or not she had added the mushrooms to the sauce. Before the end of the day, Ben would have found something, anything, to get angry about that would conclusively turn into a fight. Kelly knew that no matter what she did, she would be treating fresh wounds tonight. It was because of these things that Kelly would look at Ben from across the table every single night and think, he's getting worse.
"Got it." Kelly spoke up from across the table.