Status: updated as much as possible!

Post Traumatic

They'll Tell You I Don't Care Anymore

(Mike's POV)

Today I finally managed to sleep for more than an hour or two this time. I actually managed to pull off four, minus the two hours I spent awake, staring up at the ceiling because I heard someone whisper my name consistently until eventually I started to see a face in the walls. That was a new one for me, actually. I mean, sure I had seen you and even heard you before but this time was different. Now I was really starting to see you everywhere I went and in everything that I looked at. I was hoping that today would be different, though. I was going to see Kelsey again, we were going to go and visit Chester, together. I was nervous, I was anxious, I was scared. Mostly because I hadn't seen her in so long and so many things had changed, I wasn't sure if she was still the same person I had used to know years ago. I was trying my hardest to remain positive because honestly at this point, it was all I had left.

I got up at around ten, earlier than usual once again, took a shower, got dressed, and nursed a cup of coffee for about an hour. I sat on the small futon sofa that had became my bed this past month in my cozy studio apartment, seeing as in the midst of all the chaos I had just given Anna the entire house without a fight. Flipping aimlessly through the channels on TV, I finally stopped at a random channel once I recognized my own face being broadcast on the screen. I turned the volume up to a maximum, clearly curious as to what was being said about me. It was some gossip channel, talking about how I was staying away from the band completely and shutting them out of my new musical career path. It talked about how I was not even looking like someone who just lost their best friend only a month ago, that it was obvious to the entire entertainment world that I didn't even care about Chester anymore. But I only hoped that everyone who really knew me knew that it was all a big lie. I do care, I do hurt.

Not wanting to get even more angry and emotional then I already was, I quickly shut it off and decided to leave. I wasn't sure of where I was going, seeing as Kelsey wasn't expecting to see me for another four hours. But I knew the longer I stayed home, the longer I stayed cooped up listening to all the rumors and bullshit, I was going to go more crazy. So once I got into the car, I just drove. I decided to head over to a place where I knew that I would always be welcomed no matter what even though the demons kept trying to shy me away from there. When I pulled up into the very familiar driveway, I was instantly greeted by a barrage of hugs and tears. "Uncle Mike!" Chester's youngest twin daughters say to me, hugging onto my legs tightly. I try my hardest not to cry, but it's useless. I hold each of them close, telling them how much I had missed them. "Mommy's inside." I follow alongside slowly as we walk up to the front door. Once inside, it's almost eerie. The memory of Chester is clearly alive and well but any remnant of the past month is gone without a trace.

I could only imagine what everyone here has gone through. I know Tali had talked about selling the house and making a new place for the kids. I don't blame her, it would be torturous for anyone to have to stay here after knowing what happened. But I understood why she was hesitant to leave, too. This was their home, their livelihood, their hopes and dreams. This was the place their kids knew as home, this was the place that they had once lived as one huge and happy family. It would be hard to just get up and walk away, but it would also be just as hard to even stay. I could still picture Chester sitting on a favorite chair in the living room, giving each of the kids a turn to talk with him about their day and how they were feeling. He was consistent and active in each of their lives, I admired that so much about him. He loved all of them so goddamn much. He was their light in the darkness, he was their protector. To see how empty it was with him gone, absolutely killed me.

Once I'm face to face with his wife, I break down all over once again. Sure I had seen them all a couple of weeks ago, but the wounds and emotions were still fresh, still sore. So any sort of comfort I could offer them, I was going to. Mostly because I needed it too. "I heard you and Kelsey finally reconnected." I nod as I wipe my eyes on the sleeve of my sweatshirt. "Yeah, we did. Yesterday actually, at lunch. Brad and Rob had invited me out with a surprise guest. I guess she's been back since then. That's actually why I'm here, I'm supposed to pick her up at four but I couldn't take being home. I was starting to see things, faces mostly. I'm gonna take her to visit him though." I don't dare bring up his name at all whatsoever. It wasn't because she couldn't handle it, it was mostly because I was just trying to spare her already broken heart. "Chester and her were always close, I was glad she was there even before I came along. Kelsey is a great girl, Mike. She's always had a soft spot for you." I laugh a bit awkwardly now, slightly unsure of what to say next. "Yeah."

"So, have you talked to Anna lately? Or even at all?" I knew I was setting myself up for disappointment and disaster, but I was actually curious to know. She shakes her head no before putting a hand on my knee and giving it a light squeeze. "Don't worry, I'm sure she'll come around at some point. This is all just a rough time for everyone. But don't go chasing sunshine that isn't there anymore, let it go. There's always more rays of light ahead for you. I haven't slept well, or at all, really. The kids see him too and I don't even know how to handle it anymore. If we sell the house, I want you to keep most things. Chazzy would have wanted it that way." I can hear the cracking in her voice and it's not long before I'm hugging her tightly and trying to reassure her that everything is going to be alright, even though I'm not even sure when that is. "And I want you to know that we're all proud of you and support you, with whatever you choose to do. I know you've been writing a lot and its very therapeutic. We all know you care, Mike. And he knows that too."

A few hours pass by rather quickly as I'm spending equal amounts of time with each of their kids. The twins stick to me the most, asking me things about their dad and practically begging for me to tell them stories about him while they also show me all the incredible things that fans from all over the world had sent them in the last few days. Pictures, hand drawn portraits, letters, books, cards, personalized trinkets, you name it. His oldest, middle and youngest son don't really say much but they still take the time to at least acknowledge me and I'm grateful. Before I even know it, I see that it's already 3:30, Kelsey was going to be expecting me in half an hour and I didn't dare want to be late by even a spare minute. "I love you T. I'll check in with you guys really soon." We all exchange goodbye hugs before I'm making my way back down the winding driveway and into the car, beginning on my short drive back downtown to Kelsey's bookstore. When I finally pull up in front, it's exactly 4:00 on the nose and I can see her from the outside already starting to lock up.

"Hey." She greets me warmly with a small smile as she climbs in the passenger seat beside me. I lean over and give her a half hug before starting to drive again. I was never good with small talk, especially around her, so the silence that fills in the air around us is slightly uncomfortable. Thankfully, she speaks up first. "You look like you actually got some sleep today." I chuckle, shrugging my shoulders some. "I guess you can say that. You look great by the way, I really like the way those glasses look on you." I mentally smack myself after hearing that comment. Could I have sounded anymore like a fucking tool trying to hit on her? What the hell was wrong with me? Now I can see why it's been so long since I had any human contact with the outside world. I was too fucking weird and awkward for anyone to even want to be around me. She laughs gracefully, keeping her eyes locked on me as I continue to stare at the road ahead of us. "Oh, thanks. I usually only wear them sometimes but I guess I should start more often if you think it's a good idea."

Thankfully before there's anymore chance of it becoming an even more awkward situation, I pull into the large cemetery parking lot. I can feel an overwhelming sense of sadness strike between us once we get out and I lead us to Chester. On the way, Kelsey stops at the small flower garden and takes a beautiful, single white rose with her to give to him. She's clutching it rather tightly to her chest as we continue to walk for another few feet until the obvious spot stands out. It's still fully decorated and there's a couple of fans leaving bouquets of flowers just as we arrive. They don't say anything, they just smile weakly with misty, red and sad eyes before leaving to give us privacy. That was the one thing that I admired so much about our fan base, was that they were so fucking amazing and respectful. Kelsey immediately drops to her knees in the grass beside, leaning down to kiss the top of the stone. She's whispering softly, only loud enough for herself and him to hear. I keep my distance as I don't want to invade her private moment with him until I see her start to sob pretty harshly. I rush down next to her, instinctively pulling her into my arms and cradling her like a child.

"I miss him so much, Mike. I miss him so goddamn much. I feel so awful that I was hardly ever around but it was just so hard. Especially with you being with Anna. She never liked me and you know it, that's why I just had to distance myself from you and ended up losing him. But I don't blame anything on anyone. I just wish I could have been there, I wish I could have somehow stopped all this from happening. I wish I could have saved him." She's bawling and crying her eyes out and I can't help but to cry too. It's painful, because we both shared and suffered in the same way. I wish I could have saved him, I wish I could have changed everything that happened, I wish that I could have told her how I had really felt about her all those years ago. Even though I couldn't change anything that had happened now, I still was determined for her to know that I still deeply cared about her. "I know Kels, so do I, every single day since it's happened. But listen, I'm here for you now and she's gone. That's all that matters, is that I have one of my best friends back beside me and you have me. I'm not going to just disappear on you, either. I'm in a dark place but I promise I won't keep you shut out. Things are going to change, I can feel it, I know they will."

She looks up at me for a brief second before kissing the tip of my chin gently. It was plain to see now that not much had changed between us even after so many years of not speaking or seeing each other had passed. Although I wasn't so sure of much anymore, I was sure that I was going to somehow make it out now that I had Kelsey by my side. "You know, I was actually dreading this moment since last night. I wasn't sure how it was going to be, finally being alone again with you after so long. But you haven't really changed much at all besides the fact that you're still that big hearted girl that I've known for so long." I was pretty surprised with myself as the words just flowed out of my mouth without any hesitation. It was weird, seeing that I was so hopeful sounding after just being around her for the second day in a row now after almost five years of not. I felt like I had found the missing light that I had been searching for and it scared the hell out of me of how sure I had felt about it. "I know Chester wouldn't want us to be like this, he would want us to be happy and smiling. But it's not easy, I know it isn't. I haven't slept right or at all this last month because I'm starting to see him, hear him, almost everywhere that I go and in everything that I do."

"I know, I've seen him too. He's been in my dreams these past few nights and it hasn't been easy to fathom. But I guess that's just his way of still being there for us, you know? We can't fight it, the best thing to do is just go along with it and accept it." I sigh knowingly before giving her another tight squeeze. We each say our own separate goodbyes to him as the sun is starting to set in the west and the moon is coming out. We walk back closer to each other this time with my arm slung around her shoulders. It's a peaceful silence now and I actually feel like I can breathe easier for once. "I'm glad to see that's its not awkward between us. I was so worried that it was going to be weird being around you again after yesterday but its obvious to see that it's not an issue between us. Thank you, for taking me to visit him, Mike. You don't know how much of a relief it is to finally be able to have my own sort of closure between us." I smile at her, nodding my head as we get inside my car once again. "And if you're not busy Friday, I have the day off all day. Maybe we can go to a movie or something? Actually catch up in a not so emotional setting?" Her voice is calm and her eyes are glimmering with hopefulness, it's impossible for me to even think of saying no to her.

"Of course, I'd love to hangout with you Kels. That really sounds great, I honestly can't wait. It'll be just like the old days, before I became such a fucking train wreck."
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Here's chapter 3! So sorry it's taken so long once again Kels but hope you're still enjoying this! Love you to pieces! xx