Post Traumatic

(Mike's POV)

The drive back home with Kelsey was quiet, seeing as I was deeply stuck in thought and the words that Talinda had told me, about how time is precious and all that, kept replaying over in my head constantly. She was right, so goddamn right. Look at how fast things had changed for her; one minute she's on vacation with her family and C, all happy and in love. The next minute, she's coming home to find out he's no longer with us and planning his funeral. In a sad and heartbreaking truth, time really is a valuable thing that never should be taken for granted. I learned that now, and I wanted to start fresh with that being the first thing I would do, make sure I made every moment count no matter what it was. "You don't have the old place anymore?" I shook my head as we pulled up to my apartment. Anna had taken the house and almost everything when she left. Mostly because I didn't want to deal with it.

"You're welcome to come inside, look around. I can show you some of the new material I've been working on if you're not in a rush to go back home." She agrees in an instant, insisting that she'd love to. We walk up the small walkway before I unlock the door and let her go ahead inside first. Thankfully I had cleaned up a tiny little bit, but it still looked pretty bleak and desolate in here. Pictures, cards, letters, drawings, all kinds of things people had given and sent me were all scattered around the place. The most heart wrenching item was placed right beside my new bed, the sofa, on the cluttered coffee table. It was a picture of me and Chester, doing our signature hug at the end of what would be the very last show that we would ever play together, in Birmingham, England at the Barclaycard Arena. It practically killed me every time I looked at it, but it also gave me a sense of closure in a way. I knew he was always with me, every step of the way. Even if I couldn't physically see him, I knew, he was always there.

I finally notice her staring directly at it before telling her to sit down. There's tears in her eyes and a broken smile on her face. I hug her close to me, finally feeling tears leak out of my own eyes. "I can't believe that was the last time you would be playing with him. I can't believe that I couldn't have been there." Shes sobbing now and the only thing I know how to do is just hug her even tighter and try to reassure her that no one could have ever known that. "Come on Kels, there's no way none of us could have ever known that. Believe me, because if I would have known, I would have just hugged him for a little longer, I would have told him the words that I didn't have a chance to because he was so anxious to just get home and see Tali and his family. I would have told him that I loved him so damn much and that he was the best friend, the best brother that anyone could ever fucking ask for. I stare at that fucking picture everyday for hours on end, just wishing that it was real. Just wishing that it would somehow become a reality again, that he was still beside me."

At this point now, we're both breaking down as we just hold onto each other for support. I can't stop the words from replaying in my head as she finally looks up at me, her eyes red and her cheeks burned by the tears. "You have to tell her before it's too late." And so I try to, in the easiest way possible. "I love you, Kelsey." She smiles weakly, putting a hand to my face. "I love you too, Michael Shinoda." It wasn't exactly the way I had planned things on going, but it was a definite start. She knew that I loved her, that I had never stopped loving her. "How about we finally listen to that new stuff you were talking about showing me earlier?" I laugh nervously now before agreeing and walking over to my desk to grab my laptop from off the top. I was hesitant to show her the newest one that I had worked on, so I decided with a 'Place to Start' first. She kept her attention focused on the lyrics, the sad rhythm, the phone messages that I had added in at the end. Everyone had kept calling me and calling me for days on end, trying to offer support and sympathy, but I didn't want it. All I wanted was to wake up and find out it all was a bad dream, that Chester was still here all along.

"Wow, that was really intense but I love it. It really shows the pain and the darkness that you're stuck in. But you know, I think for you, I think you've already found that new place. Talking about it, singing about it, writing about, you're finally at that crossroad. Do you go to that place of light and healing? Or do you go down the path of despair? And you know what else? So what if Anna isn't here anymore. Obviously she's hurting, we all are, but to abandon you in your time of need, is clearly showing that she doesn't care about you any longer. And I know she's been spreading lies about me, I know she's been telling Tali that Chaz and I had hooked up while she was pregnant and all that but you know the truth, so does she, so does he. And I know Chester told you after it had happened, because I had asked him to. He knew I never could tell you how I really felt because your heart belonged to her, so being the amazing he is, he did it for me without hesitation." I sat there, a bit stunned by what I was hearing. Sure I had known the rest, but I never knew it was because she was in love with me.

"It all happened just like this. We kissed, we talked, we hugged, and we said goodbye. I had my last moment with him literally thirteen fucking years ago. I never got to physically see him or hug him ever again after that, because I was busy with work and he was busy with his life, his career. And do you know what I told him before I left that night? I told him that I loved him forever, but my heart was already occupied by someone else. And without being bitter, without any hateful feelings, he accepted it. He knew, Mike. He knew that someone was you all along. Despite you being with Anna, he knew that I was devoted to you all along. That's why he went out of his way to tell you about what had happened between us. I spoke with him on the phone, I got to see him maybe once or twice when you guys had come to play in my city, but that was it. I never got to see you, because I knew it was pointless, you weren't the same person anymore. No one told you they had seen me either, because I had asked them not to tell. I didn't want to break my own heart by looking at your face anymore, knowing that I couldn't ever have you, knowing that I could never love you like she loved you. So now that we're here Mike, why don't you tell me what it is you want to know?"

There's tears pouring down both our faces once again before I make a bold move and kiss her, hard on the lips. There weren't any words that I could say at that moment that would truthfully explain what I wanted to tell her, so I used my actions instead. And boy, did it fucking feel so damn good. "I'm tired of the fear that I can't control this, I'm tired of feeling like every next step's hopeless." She sighs now before proceeding to smack me playfully in the chest. "I told you, you don't need to know anymore, because you found that place to start now. I love you and I think you love me? So how about we start from there? Let's take this slowly, but lets see where this all leads us to. I want to be able to spend more time with Tali and the kids, I want them to know that I'm sorry for being gone for so long but that I never stopped thinking about all of them. I want to make Chester proud, I want him to know that I'm going to fulfill my promise to him all along and let you know that I'm taking my place back where I belong. My place is with you, Mike. And if you love me like I think you do, then you'll be with me on this one. We're going to ease into this, but it'll be worth it, I promise."

I kiss her once more after she finishes, sealing the deal. "We both will make Chester proud, Kelsey. Together, just like it should have always been."