Daylily
03
I managed to sleep for a few hours. Over the last couple of days, I started sleeping less and less. Before my father had even passed away, I would find myself lying on the living room couch, my mind racing through thoughts until an absurd hour in the morning. I thought about him and how long he had. I thought about my length absence from physically being in my office. I thought about the daily check-in with my boss. I thought about the day I would have to tell them.
I wished it wasn’t so soon.
The phone call was pained. My boss was upset, his voice faltering as he told me to take my time. The company bereavement time was a week, he suggested I use all of it. He said he would log it into the system for me, and whatever other days I needed. I tried to tell him I would be in the office in a week, but he knew better, I could hear it in his voice.
A part of me wanted to get back to work. I wanted to start working on pitch decks and sales ideas. I wanted to start socializing again, I wanted to get back into the swing of living on my own. I wanted to get out of Nova Scotia and never come back.
The clock read 5:58am.
Part of me wanted to try and fall back asleep, but I knew myself better than that. I sat up, feeling every vertebrae in my spine pop as I swung my feet over the cushion and placed them against the hardwood. Running my fingers over my neck, I glanced over and felt my heart skip a beat.
Sidney was sitting there, his legs up on the coffee table, his arm in the empty space where my body had been. After a small reunion with my mother, Sidney and I sat on the couch and started to binge watch the first series on Netflix that we hadn’t seen. Episode after episode, we sat there, without a word, and watched whatever swirls of color were on the screen.
My mother made some kind of chicken dish for dinner. She took her dish and ate in her room, apologizing to us for not wanting to be social. It didn’t phase me. I knew my mother well enough to know that she was going to need a long time to be ready to do anything with a group of people, even if it was just Sidney and I.
I headed into the kitchen, trying to stretch out my stiff muscles in the process. Flipping the light on, I peered over my shoulder and watched as the late cascaded into the living room, falling just short of Sidney. My heart was racing as I looked at him in the shadows, peacefully sleeping in an uncomfortable position.
I thought back to the days we would fall asleep watching Are You Afraid of the Dark on the couch in his basement. I remember being brave and keeping the light off through the whole night. I missed the innocence of everything. I missed how simple it was to be in someone’s life.
My brain was floating through memories as I turned the coffee maker on and started to gather mugs and ground coffee. Filling the back with water, I shut the top and pressed the on button. Seconds later, the machine started to let out a low hum. As the sound of the water heating filled my head, I leaned against the counter and put my hands over my eyes. My warm breath rebounded off the palms of my hands and heated the sensitive skin on my face.
I thought about laying on the floor like this, releasing the tension in all of my muscles and just sinking into a dark abyss. I didn’t want to feel this way anymore. I was tired of it already and it hadn’t even started yet. We still had the wake, we still had the funeral, we still had the rest of our lives without him.
“I can’t do this,” I whispered to myself, my eyes opening as I looked up at my hands. “How the fuck am I supposed to do this?” I pulled my hands from my eyes and looked up at the ceiling.
I didn’t like speaking to him this way. I needed him next to me. I needed to see the sparkle in his eyes and the twitch of his nose before he spoke. I needed to hear his laugh and his voice.
This wasn’t enough.
“Do you have work today or something?” A deep voice floated through the kitchen, causing every nerve in my body to go numb. The deep, raspy, version of Sidney’s voice tickled my ears, causing a knot to form in my stomach.
I tilted my head down slowly and looked over at the doorway where he stood. His strong arms were crossed against his chest as he leaned his shoulder into the doorframe. His body was wrapped in the same tee shirt he was wearing yesterday and a pair of sweatpants with a small Penguins logo on them.
My lips twitched as if a smile was going to appear. The feeling faded.
“I just wake up early,” I shrugged a shoulder as I turned from him and glanced down at the coffee pot. The water was slowly dripping into it.
Too slowly.
“You never liked waking up early,” Sidney pushed off the door frame and walked over to me, “are you alright, Liv?” He copied my position against the counter. He was so close I could smell the scent of him from his clothes. The coffee smell wasn’t strong enough to keep his scent out of my sinuses. It started burning up, setting fire to everything in my head.
I nodded. “I’ll get back on track eventually.” I whispered as I glanced up at him, my cheeks heating up when I caught his eyes drilling into me. He was tracing over every inch of me, over and over again. When he noticed me looking up at him, he sucked in a deep breath and looked away.
“I’m home for the summer,” Sidney rubbed the back of his neck, his eyes still dancing around the room, “I’ll stay here as long as you need me to.”
“I appreciate it,” I whispered as I turned my back to him and focused all of my attention onto the coffee maker. I didn’t want to think about him spending all of his summer with me. I didn’t want to think about what could happen between us now. I didn’t want to deal with these feelings now. I didn’t need more stress on top of whatever was going to happen in the next couple of days.
Sidney stayed silent.
“You know, if it ever gets too much, my door is always open.” I could tell he had more words piled in his mouth.
I bit down roughly on the inside of my cheek as the muscle in my chest tightened. Why would he do this now? We haven’t even spoken, we haven’t been back in each other’s lives for more than twenty-four hours. Why was he pulling on my heart strings like this?
“Sidney,” I breathed looking up at him, “I need coffee.”
The brunette smiled at me, his hazel eyes sparkling as he nodded his head a few times and let a small sigh fall from his lips. “You’ve been chugging coffee since we were fourteen.”
“Yup,” I found myself smiling as I grabbed the coffee pot and poured myself and Sidney a mug of coffee. “I’ve been working up my tolerance. I can handle close to ten cups a day.”
“You’re a monster,” Sidney laughed as he grabbed the milk I had set on the counter and poured some into his mug. Swirling the liquid in his cup, he looked down and frowned. “I can’t stop thinking about all of the time we lost, Liv.”
My hands wrapped around my mug and brought it up to my face. The warm steam that lifted from the water hit my face, relaxing the anxiousness now running through me.
“Sid, this isn’t the time or place.”
“Then when is?” His voice was stern, it made my heart beat slow.
“When I don’t have to spend the next week planning my dad's funeral.” I snapped and slammed my mug down on the counter, my hands shaking as the words hung in the air. They floated back into my head, and started to strangle me as I turned my back to the brunette and tried to find something to busy myself with. “Would that be an okay time for you? Would you mind?”
Sidney sighed.
“I’m sorry.”
Shaking my head, I grabbed my mug and walked through the kitchen and into the living room. Grabbing my cell phone from the coffee table, I looked up toward the hallway and felt my blood start to run cold. My tongue ran over my bottom lip as I headed down the hallway, my eyes locked onto the last door against the left side.
It hadn’t been opened in days. Whatever was behind the door was just as my father had left it. It was the last bit of the world completely unaware of his passing. It made me nauseous. I felt like I was disturbing a grave as I carefully twisted the knob and pushed the door open.
For a moment, I thought about looking up and seeing him sitting there. I thought about hearing his laugh or the light sound of his pen scribbling in his notebook. Every time I would walk into his office, no matter how old I was, he would always look up at me, his eyebrows lifted, and a smile on his lips.
“What’s up squirt?”
Tears rushed to my eyes as I slowly walked across the room and over to his large wooden desk. My fingers grazed the cold wooden surface, making a chill run through my body. I wanted to wake myself up from this nightmare. I wanted to squeeze my eyes shut hard enough to wish the pain away. I wanted to talk to him about this. I needed his advice. I needed him.
Instead of leaving, I walked around to the other side of his desk and carefully pulled out the chair. Sitting down in it, I looked down at the desk and felt the tears start to roll down my cheeks. A sob left my lips as I bowed my head down, moving it closer to the hot water in my mug. The steam calmed me for a second, pulling me out of the spiral I was in and tossing me back into the present.
Don’t die with me, Livy.
I took a sip of coffee, trying to push his words out of my head. I was stronger than this. I was going to be okay. I knew how he felt about this. I knew he was at peace. I knew he wanted me there too.
It was just so hard.
My hands shook as I placed my mug down on the desk and pressed my body into his office chair. The smell of dust and leather forced a wave of dizziness over me. I wanted him to walk in and nag me about sitting in his chair. I wanted him back so much.
Exhaling, I pinched the bridge of my nose while I let out a deep breath. I was having such a hard time staying out of my head. Maybe I did need to leave the house. Maybe Sidney was right, maybe now was a good time to talk about anything other than my father. Maybe I needed to go walk around town and see other people.
I looked down at the desk again, my eyes tracing over every single thing on it until they landed on a small notepad off to the side with a pen laid across it. I thought about touching it. I thought about reading his notes. My dad was always so personal and private with his thoughts. He had so many journals and notebooks piled in his desk that I was never allowed to read.
Curiosity got the best of me.
Pulling the chair closer to the desk, I reached over and grabbed the pen. Hands shaking, I pulled the small notepad over to me and looked down, my eyes filling with water as the took in the familiar curved lines. For a man, my dad had incredibly neat handwriting.
Things to tell Sidney:
I’m sorry (treatment)
I’m proud of you (cliche)
Don’t ever change (cliche—again)
Don’t name your kid Paul (or his middle name), use Aarron instead
Make up with Liv
Be there for her (end)
Tell her how you feel (you have my blessing)
Tears were rushing down my face as I thought about my father scribbling this list down. I started shaking my head, the disbelief and raw emotions swelling in my stomach making me queasy. I felt like throwing up. My head was spinning. Sweat was starting to drip down the back of my neck. I was burning up, but I felt cold.
Every inch of my heart felt cold.
You have my blessing
“Liv,” Sidney was kneeling next to me, his hands quickly rising to my cheeks as he took in the look on my face. “Livy, hey, look at me.” He straightened his back, putting his hazel eyes in my direct line of sight. As I locked my frantic eyes on his, I felt a new wave of tears push from the back of my eyes.
I shook my head, unable to keep my eyes in his as I thought about my father’s list. My heart felt so heavy. All he wanted was for us to make up. He wanted us to be there for each other, to be what we used to be. He knew about our emotions, our feelings. He knew.
I should have done it for him. I should have let him see us happy together one more time.
Sidney found the note on the desk. Holding it between his fingers, I watched as his hazel eyes ran over it, line by line, nearly ten times. Each time he would start from the beginning, the glassy film on his eyes would get thicker.
By the tenth time, the glass had shattered.
The brunette shook his head as he ran a hand through his hair, his teeth running over his bottom lip as he looked over the paper one last time.
“Can I keep this?”
I nodded, my mind not ready to see it again.
Sidney nodded for a moment before setting the paper down and lowering himself so his eyes were aligned with mine. It took me a few minutes to gain the courage to look at him. When I did, I felt every screaming thought in my mind silence. His eyes were so big, so bright and caring. He wanted to scream words at me. He wanted to spill out his guts, it was written all over his face.
I was terrified.
“Can we talk over lunch,” Sidney’s eyes jerked to the note and then back to mine. “I think this might be the time, you pick the place.”
My heart pounded in my chest as I thought about the summer tradition between him and my dad.
“Stick with tradition?” I whispered, my eyes hopeful as I glanced at him.
Sidney smiled at me, his eyes shimmering in the morning sunlight pouring in from the window. Running his fingers through my hair, he nodded his head and held his hand out to me as he stood up. Pulling me out of the chair, he carefully wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into him.
“Would you mind keeping the tradition with me?” Sidney whispered into my hair.
“I’d be honored.”
I wished it wasn’t so soon.
The phone call was pained. My boss was upset, his voice faltering as he told me to take my time. The company bereavement time was a week, he suggested I use all of it. He said he would log it into the system for me, and whatever other days I needed. I tried to tell him I would be in the office in a week, but he knew better, I could hear it in his voice.
A part of me wanted to get back to work. I wanted to start working on pitch decks and sales ideas. I wanted to start socializing again, I wanted to get back into the swing of living on my own. I wanted to get out of Nova Scotia and never come back.
The clock read 5:58am.
Part of me wanted to try and fall back asleep, but I knew myself better than that. I sat up, feeling every vertebrae in my spine pop as I swung my feet over the cushion and placed them against the hardwood. Running my fingers over my neck, I glanced over and felt my heart skip a beat.
Sidney was sitting there, his legs up on the coffee table, his arm in the empty space where my body had been. After a small reunion with my mother, Sidney and I sat on the couch and started to binge watch the first series on Netflix that we hadn’t seen. Episode after episode, we sat there, without a word, and watched whatever swirls of color were on the screen.
My mother made some kind of chicken dish for dinner. She took her dish and ate in her room, apologizing to us for not wanting to be social. It didn’t phase me. I knew my mother well enough to know that she was going to need a long time to be ready to do anything with a group of people, even if it was just Sidney and I.
I headed into the kitchen, trying to stretch out my stiff muscles in the process. Flipping the light on, I peered over my shoulder and watched as the late cascaded into the living room, falling just short of Sidney. My heart was racing as I looked at him in the shadows, peacefully sleeping in an uncomfortable position.
I thought back to the days we would fall asleep watching Are You Afraid of the Dark on the couch in his basement. I remember being brave and keeping the light off through the whole night. I missed the innocence of everything. I missed how simple it was to be in someone’s life.
My brain was floating through memories as I turned the coffee maker on and started to gather mugs and ground coffee. Filling the back with water, I shut the top and pressed the on button. Seconds later, the machine started to let out a low hum. As the sound of the water heating filled my head, I leaned against the counter and put my hands over my eyes. My warm breath rebounded off the palms of my hands and heated the sensitive skin on my face.
I thought about laying on the floor like this, releasing the tension in all of my muscles and just sinking into a dark abyss. I didn’t want to feel this way anymore. I was tired of it already and it hadn’t even started yet. We still had the wake, we still had the funeral, we still had the rest of our lives without him.
“I can’t do this,” I whispered to myself, my eyes opening as I looked up at my hands. “How the fuck am I supposed to do this?” I pulled my hands from my eyes and looked up at the ceiling.
I didn’t like speaking to him this way. I needed him next to me. I needed to see the sparkle in his eyes and the twitch of his nose before he spoke. I needed to hear his laugh and his voice.
This wasn’t enough.
“Do you have work today or something?” A deep voice floated through the kitchen, causing every nerve in my body to go numb. The deep, raspy, version of Sidney’s voice tickled my ears, causing a knot to form in my stomach.
I tilted my head down slowly and looked over at the doorway where he stood. His strong arms were crossed against his chest as he leaned his shoulder into the doorframe. His body was wrapped in the same tee shirt he was wearing yesterday and a pair of sweatpants with a small Penguins logo on them.
My lips twitched as if a smile was going to appear. The feeling faded.
“I just wake up early,” I shrugged a shoulder as I turned from him and glanced down at the coffee pot. The water was slowly dripping into it.
Too slowly.
“You never liked waking up early,” Sidney pushed off the door frame and walked over to me, “are you alright, Liv?” He copied my position against the counter. He was so close I could smell the scent of him from his clothes. The coffee smell wasn’t strong enough to keep his scent out of my sinuses. It started burning up, setting fire to everything in my head.
I nodded. “I’ll get back on track eventually.” I whispered as I glanced up at him, my cheeks heating up when I caught his eyes drilling into me. He was tracing over every inch of me, over and over again. When he noticed me looking up at him, he sucked in a deep breath and looked away.
“I’m home for the summer,” Sidney rubbed the back of his neck, his eyes still dancing around the room, “I’ll stay here as long as you need me to.”
“I appreciate it,” I whispered as I turned my back to him and focused all of my attention onto the coffee maker. I didn’t want to think about him spending all of his summer with me. I didn’t want to think about what could happen between us now. I didn’t want to deal with these feelings now. I didn’t need more stress on top of whatever was going to happen in the next couple of days.
Sidney stayed silent.
“You know, if it ever gets too much, my door is always open.” I could tell he had more words piled in his mouth.
I bit down roughly on the inside of my cheek as the muscle in my chest tightened. Why would he do this now? We haven’t even spoken, we haven’t been back in each other’s lives for more than twenty-four hours. Why was he pulling on my heart strings like this?
“Sidney,” I breathed looking up at him, “I need coffee.”
The brunette smiled at me, his hazel eyes sparkling as he nodded his head a few times and let a small sigh fall from his lips. “You’ve been chugging coffee since we were fourteen.”
“Yup,” I found myself smiling as I grabbed the coffee pot and poured myself and Sidney a mug of coffee. “I’ve been working up my tolerance. I can handle close to ten cups a day.”
“You’re a monster,” Sidney laughed as he grabbed the milk I had set on the counter and poured some into his mug. Swirling the liquid in his cup, he looked down and frowned. “I can’t stop thinking about all of the time we lost, Liv.”
My hands wrapped around my mug and brought it up to my face. The warm steam that lifted from the water hit my face, relaxing the anxiousness now running through me.
“Sid, this isn’t the time or place.”
“Then when is?” His voice was stern, it made my heart beat slow.
“When I don’t have to spend the next week planning my dad's funeral.” I snapped and slammed my mug down on the counter, my hands shaking as the words hung in the air. They floated back into my head, and started to strangle me as I turned my back to the brunette and tried to find something to busy myself with. “Would that be an okay time for you? Would you mind?”
Sidney sighed.
“I’m sorry.”
Shaking my head, I grabbed my mug and walked through the kitchen and into the living room. Grabbing my cell phone from the coffee table, I looked up toward the hallway and felt my blood start to run cold. My tongue ran over my bottom lip as I headed down the hallway, my eyes locked onto the last door against the left side.
It hadn’t been opened in days. Whatever was behind the door was just as my father had left it. It was the last bit of the world completely unaware of his passing. It made me nauseous. I felt like I was disturbing a grave as I carefully twisted the knob and pushed the door open.
For a moment, I thought about looking up and seeing him sitting there. I thought about hearing his laugh or the light sound of his pen scribbling in his notebook. Every time I would walk into his office, no matter how old I was, he would always look up at me, his eyebrows lifted, and a smile on his lips.
“What’s up squirt?”
Tears rushed to my eyes as I slowly walked across the room and over to his large wooden desk. My fingers grazed the cold wooden surface, making a chill run through my body. I wanted to wake myself up from this nightmare. I wanted to squeeze my eyes shut hard enough to wish the pain away. I wanted to talk to him about this. I needed his advice. I needed him.
Instead of leaving, I walked around to the other side of his desk and carefully pulled out the chair. Sitting down in it, I looked down at the desk and felt the tears start to roll down my cheeks. A sob left my lips as I bowed my head down, moving it closer to the hot water in my mug. The steam calmed me for a second, pulling me out of the spiral I was in and tossing me back into the present.
Don’t die with me, Livy.
I took a sip of coffee, trying to push his words out of my head. I was stronger than this. I was going to be okay. I knew how he felt about this. I knew he was at peace. I knew he wanted me there too.
It was just so hard.
My hands shook as I placed my mug down on the desk and pressed my body into his office chair. The smell of dust and leather forced a wave of dizziness over me. I wanted him to walk in and nag me about sitting in his chair. I wanted him back so much.
Exhaling, I pinched the bridge of my nose while I let out a deep breath. I was having such a hard time staying out of my head. Maybe I did need to leave the house. Maybe Sidney was right, maybe now was a good time to talk about anything other than my father. Maybe I needed to go walk around town and see other people.
I looked down at the desk again, my eyes tracing over every single thing on it until they landed on a small notepad off to the side with a pen laid across it. I thought about touching it. I thought about reading his notes. My dad was always so personal and private with his thoughts. He had so many journals and notebooks piled in his desk that I was never allowed to read.
Curiosity got the best of me.
Pulling the chair closer to the desk, I reached over and grabbed the pen. Hands shaking, I pulled the small notepad over to me and looked down, my eyes filling with water as the took in the familiar curved lines. For a man, my dad had incredibly neat handwriting.
Things to tell Sidney:
I’m sorry (treatment)
I’m proud of you (cliche)
Don’t ever change (cliche—again)
Don’t name your kid Paul (or his middle name), use Aarron instead
Make up with Liv
Be there for her (end)
Tell her how you feel (you have my blessing)
Tears were rushing down my face as I thought about my father scribbling this list down. I started shaking my head, the disbelief and raw emotions swelling in my stomach making me queasy. I felt like throwing up. My head was spinning. Sweat was starting to drip down the back of my neck. I was burning up, but I felt cold.
Every inch of my heart felt cold.
You have my blessing
“Liv,” Sidney was kneeling next to me, his hands quickly rising to my cheeks as he took in the look on my face. “Livy, hey, look at me.” He straightened his back, putting his hazel eyes in my direct line of sight. As I locked my frantic eyes on his, I felt a new wave of tears push from the back of my eyes.
I shook my head, unable to keep my eyes in his as I thought about my father’s list. My heart felt so heavy. All he wanted was for us to make up. He wanted us to be there for each other, to be what we used to be. He knew about our emotions, our feelings. He knew.
I should have done it for him. I should have let him see us happy together one more time.
Sidney found the note on the desk. Holding it between his fingers, I watched as his hazel eyes ran over it, line by line, nearly ten times. Each time he would start from the beginning, the glassy film on his eyes would get thicker.
By the tenth time, the glass had shattered.
The brunette shook his head as he ran a hand through his hair, his teeth running over his bottom lip as he looked over the paper one last time.
“Can I keep this?”
I nodded, my mind not ready to see it again.
Sidney nodded for a moment before setting the paper down and lowering himself so his eyes were aligned with mine. It took me a few minutes to gain the courage to look at him. When I did, I felt every screaming thought in my mind silence. His eyes were so big, so bright and caring. He wanted to scream words at me. He wanted to spill out his guts, it was written all over his face.
I was terrified.
“Can we talk over lunch,” Sidney’s eyes jerked to the note and then back to mine. “I think this might be the time, you pick the place.”
My heart pounded in my chest as I thought about the summer tradition between him and my dad.
“Stick with tradition?” I whispered, my eyes hopeful as I glanced at him.
Sidney smiled at me, his eyes shimmering in the morning sunlight pouring in from the window. Running his fingers through my hair, he nodded his head and held his hand out to me as he stood up. Pulling me out of the chair, he carefully wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into him.
“Would you mind keeping the tradition with me?” Sidney whispered into my hair.
“I’d be honored.”