Someone Out There Loves You

When I woke up the first thing I could feel was pain. Lots of pain. My head throbbed. I tried to remember last night, but all I could recall was me opening a bottle of wine. So I guess this is what a hang over felt like?

I also had cramps in my whole body from sleeping in my awkward position in the shower cubicle. I must have been really drunk last night.

Finally, I felt a dull sting in my right hand. I glanced to it, to see a longish cut running along my palm. What the hell was I doing last night?

I clumsily pulled my self up, ignoring the queasiness in my stomach and the thumping in my head and stumbled to the living room. My eyes settled on the mess of broken glass and bloody bandages.

I quickly figured out that I must have cut my self on the glass and tried to bandage my self up whilst intoxicated. Really smart of me.

I stumbled towards the first aid box once again and bandaged my self up properly this time. I then swallowed two pain killers and hoped that I would not get any diseases by washing them down with water from the tap.

My eye caught my notebook which was left open on the floor. “Get a job.” Stood out in big letters. Well, may as well make a start.

I got changed and pulled a comb through my dark hair. A quick look into the mirror told me what I already knew. I looked a state. My eyes where bloodshot and had dark circles under them. Right, that’s it. I’m never drinking again.

I grabbed my bag and notebook and headed out of the flat. The traffic roared and sent streams of gas to pollute the atmosphere. There were hundreds of people hurrying to their jobs, barging past me without even an apology. Well, it’s not like I wasn’t use to it. I caught site of a little cafe next to a book shop.

I quickly walked towards it and opened the door. The sound of the bell echoed through the room and I felt the waiter’s eyes on me as I stepped inside. The cafe didn’t look that crowded so I bagged a table at the back of the room. I looked around and saw the waiter was smirking at me. It made me feel uncomfortable so I glanced away but I noticed he was walking towards me.

“What would you like?” He asked cockily. I lifted my red face to look at his. He was quite good looking with short brown hair and dark brown eyes to match. He looked about my age and the way he was smirking at me made me realise he was quite full of him self.

“Can I just have a tea please?” I answered.

“Of course.” He replied writing my order down on a little note pad which he had produced from his apron. “No, this one is on me.” He smiled, licking his lips as I pulled my money out.

“Th-thanks.” I stuttered. I realised he was hitting on me and I didn’t like it. I’m very embarrassed to say in my entire eighteen years of living, I have never had a boyfriend or been kissed. He flashed his perfect teeth at me before heading off.

I shook my head a little confused and reached over to grab a newspaper which was piled up on the counter which held the sauces and such. I flicked straight to the jobs section and immediately began writing own details of jobs I could apply for in my notebook.

This was stupid! All these jobs required qualifications. Something I didn’t get. I slammed down my pen and took a sip of my now cold cup of tea. I heard laugher and looked up to see the waiter had been joined by another boy.

This boy was quite chubby compared to his friend. In a cuddly way though. He had messy dark hair which hung past his ears and pale skin. He suddenly looked at me and I glanced back down to my note book.

“Hey, do you think I can get that girls number?” That was the waiter speaking. I recognised his arrogant tone.

“I don’t know, Gerry. Maybe you should leave her alone? She looks like she doesn’t want to be bothered.” That was waiter’s friend. I looked up to see who they possibly could be talking about. The only other female in the cafe was a fifty year old school teacher marking some books. Maybe he liked older women?

“Just because you don’t have the guts to ask a girl for her number doesn’t mean I shouldn’t.” Ouch, now that had to hurt.

I looked back down at my book and wondered whether I should continue my quest of looking for a job when I felt a presence in front of me. I already knew who it was without looking up.

“Hey, did you enjoy that tea?”

“I-it was very nice.” I mumbled hoping the waiter would leave. I could almost feel his smirk and I when I looked up, it was there in its shiny glory.

“How about you give me your number and I can make you some more?” He suggested winking.

No! No! No!

This shouldn’t be happening. “I have to go.” I told him panicking. I quickly grabbed my bag and near enough sprinted out the cafe. I caught site of the other boy and close up I saw he had the most amazing green eyes. They where filled with worry.

Being outside in the fresh air didn’t make it any better. I heard someone shout “Wait!” but I carried on running. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. Why the hell was I having this reaction? It was a normal thing to do wasn’t it? A boy trying to get a girls number. But then I remembered I wasn’t a normal girl.

I needed alcohol. I needed to forget. I needed release. I needed not to go back to that hell I now call home.

I found a little corner shop and I entered. I grabbed as many cleaning products as I could fit into my basket and a bottle of their cheapest wine. You would have thought I would have bought some food but I haven’t had much of an appetite lately.

I left the shop after having to show the cashier my I.D because she didn’t believe I was eighteen. That’s when I saw it.

Well not “it” more like “him”. A homeless man sat in an abandoned doorway. Nobody even looked at him as they walked past. He was invisible. Just like me. Except I wasn’t homeless. I had a home. And all I’ve done is complain about it. I didn’t deserve it. I was a bad person. I needed to be punished.

The rest of my walk home was a blur of angry faces as I bumped into them aimlessly. “Rude girl.” One of them muttered. “Has no respect” muttered another.

But I didn’t care. I was past caring now. I was numb.

I reached my flat and dumped my bags by the door. I then headed into the kitchen. I opened a draw. Inside where rows of knives. I selected a reasonably blunt one. It glistened in the light. Perfect.

I then rolled my sleeves up. Just underneath my shoulder. I didn’t want anyone to see this.

I placed the knife on my skin and pressed down lightly dragging it across. With the slight sting it caused came release. I had been bad and this was my punishment.

With a deep breathe I placed the knife in the sink. I looked at the damage I had just done to my self. I tiny trickle of blood was dripping down my arm. I felt my lips curve into a smile.

That’s better.