Try a Little Harder, You've Got to Measure Up

Thanksgiving Day 7.15am

Opening his eyes slowly, feeling more than seeing the foreign sheets against his skin, Evan moans a little as he feels his throat complain by stinging harshly at the sound. He’s not sure where he is, the soft sounds coming into the room, the dim light that’s streaming through the half-closed curtains in the room making him feel disorientated at first. It’s only then when he takes in more of his surroundings that he notices the steady pressure of someone’s hand in his. His gaze travels down his arm, feeling as if he moves in slow motion, and tears threaten to spill from his eyes when he sees Enzo holding onto his hand, his eyes shut but he can see the movement behind his eyelids as if he’s dreaming vividly. He turns his hand in Enzo’, squeezing softly as he keeps his gaze on him. Enzo’ eyes flutter open, unfocused at first until he notices what is happening and he practically jumps up in his chair, grabbing Evan’s hand with both of his. Enzo swallows a few times and when he speaks his voice sounds a bit hoarse and shaky, “Hey baby, how are you feeling?” Evan just watches him for a moment, not even sure how to answer that and his eyes close for a second as tears roll over his cheeks now. He can feel the bed dip a bit, Enzo’ hand now cupping his cheek and he opens his eyes again to look right into Enzo’ eyes, the worry and fear clearly visible in them.
“I don’t …” Evan starts but stops as he feels his throat sting again and he swallows hard, trying to get rid of it.
“You want some water?” Enzo then asks, dropping his hand back to his side, as he waits for Evan to reply. He only nods softly as he pushes himself up in a sitting position, now taking really in where it is that he is laying in a bed. Enzo stands up from the bed, pouring some of the bottled water in a glass and hands it to him, and Evan can feel him shaking a little as he takes it from him hand. Taking a tentative sip, he sighs as he swallows, the sting instantly soothed but not gone before he takes another.
It’s quiet in the room for a few tense moments, the only sounds are Evan’s own breathing and the shaky ones that obviously are coming from Enzo, as Evan starts to rethink what happened. It’s only then that he realizes what must’ve happened and he’s starting to panic. His breathing coming out in short puffs while he can feel himself tense up at the thought of what Enzo must be thinking right now. His head snaps up suddenly, looking at Enzo and at the careful way he’s standing next to his bed. All he can see right now is Enzo’ eyes on him, probably judging him for whatever he did the night before and not even really wanting to be here. So he does the only thing that makes sense to himself right now, not wanting to hear the rejection and judgement from the guy he loves so much, when he says, “Leave please, I just … I just want to be alone. You should go home.” His voice is a lot steadier than he thought it would be, and he’s not sure what to think of the sharp intake of breath that comes from Enzo, ‘it’s probably relief that he doesn’t have to stay’ he thinks.
“What?” Enzo asks, looking at Evan in confusion, “Why … No, I have to stay.”
Evan sighs, closing his eyes for a second as he wills the tears to finally stop falling before he opens them again and looks at Enzo coldly, “Just go … Leave me, you don’t have to … Fuck, just go!” He ends up raising his voice at those last words, turning his face to the window to his left and refusing to meet Enzo’ eyes again, sure that he’ll only find his own thoughts to be true.
Enzo keeps looking at Evan, stunned and tears are threatening to spill from his eyes as he reaches out to take his boyfriend’s hand. But Evan only pulls it away quickly before he can even touch the back of his hand, and now he really is starting to cry again.
“Evan, baby, come on. I’m not going to leave you here alone. You shouldn’t be alone right now.” he starts to plead only to get interrupted by Evan again, now practically shouting,
“Will you fucking leave now! Just go …”
Enzo stumbles back a bit, feeling as if he’s just been punched in the stomach, and he doesn’t know what to do right now. Every fiber of his being is shouting at him to stay put, but the coldness in Evan’s voice is enough to make him doubt that too. It’s then that a knock sounds at the door and a nurse walks in, it’s a new nurse and she smiles softly at Enzo before looking at Evan who’s still staring to the window.
“Everything okay here?” she asks softly, more to Enzo than to Evan right now, and all Enzo can do is shake his head at the same time Evan turns to the nurse and says, his voice still cold and harsher than he’s ever sounded, “It would be if he would just go.”
Enzo is sure the nurse can hear the sob escaping his lips at Evan’s words, but he can’t tear his eyes away from his boyfriend, not when he’s saying that he doesn’t want him to be here, when all Enzo wants is to just stay close and be there for him. The nurse takes a step closer to the bed but turns more towards Enzo first as she speaks in a hushed voice, “Maybe it’s better if you do go home for now, sir. Come back in a few hours or so if you want.” She adds a bit quieter, “It’s not unusual for people to react like this, don’t worry too much.”
Enzo stares at the nurse, knowing his expression must be close to desperation but he tries to school his features as he nods minutely, before he turns back to his boyfriend, who’s still turned away from him. He reaches out, wanting to at least touch his hand before he goes but stops his movement mid-air when he notices Evan flinching slightly at the gesture already. So with a soft sigh, he drops his arm next to his side again and practically whispers, “I will be back later Evan, I’m not just going to walk away, you know.” He sounds desperate and broken, not sure if he’s actually doing right by leaving but he can feel his own heart shattering to pieces by the coldness he receives from Evan, so he retreats slowly and glances over his shoulder to Evan as he closes the door of the room behind him.

He’s not sure how he got home in one piece when he stumbles through the front door of their apartment and heads straight to the kitchen. The moment he left Evan’s room his tears stopped, feeling a cold creep through every vein in his body and a numbness covering him completely as he drove home on auto pilot. Until now when he walks into his kitchen, after throwing his keys on the side table in the hallway, and finds his mom and dad sitting on his kitchen table with cups of coffee clutched between their hands. They both look up in surprise, clearly not expecting for him to return home so soon, but their expression quickly change when his parents notice the sad one on his own face. Enzo just stands there for a moment, looking at them with his eyes wide open and his mouth opening and closing a few times before any sound comes out, “He told me to leave.” he says quietly and now the tears start up again, saying it out loud to someone else than just himself, making it all the more real. “Mom, he didn’t want me there with him, he just … he just …” In a matter of a second, Karyn is up on her feet and in front of him, pulling Enzo into a hug and all he can do is cling to her right now, fisting his hands in the back of her sleep dress as he cries. She softly shushes him, one hand soothingly rubbing his back as he holds him tight into her embrace. His face is buried into her shoulder, his sobs only getting louder with every passing second and they stay like that for a long while. He’s not sure how long they’ve been standing there but when his tears subside a little, his mom coaxes him into sitting in between her and Tim, his dad already pushing a cup of coffee in front of him without saying a word. Enzo looks up at him thankfully, only managing a soft ‘Thank you’ before he grabs the cup and takes a tentative sip. It’s exactly how he likes it, and right now he can’t be more grateful for his parents to be here right now. He doesn’t want to think about it, but he also can’t imagine how things would’ve gotten down if they weren’t here when Evan collapsed. He gets pulled out of his thoughts when his mom asks what exactly happened at the hospital that made him leave and Enzo has to swallow hard a few times before he can tell them.

When he’s done recounting what’s been said, he stops for a second and looks up into his mom’s eyes and she can clearly see the frightened look into his as he adds with a shaky voice, “I’ve never heard him like that mom, not even when we had a fight. You should’ve seen the way he looked at me, I’ve never known him to look at me with so much coldness in his eyes.”
“Oh sweetheart,” Karyn mumbles as she reaches over the table and puts her hand on his, squeezing it softly. “I can’t imagine though, that he’d really want you gone. I know what you just said but …” She sighs, trying to contemplate how and what she should say, “Just don’t give up on him, no matter what he says, okay? I know that can and will be difficult but I’m sure he loves you more than life itself. And I know you do too so, … Go freshen up, take a shower and maybe try to get some more sleep. When Hannah wakes up, we’re going to go to the shops for a while, trying to take her mind off things too.” At the mention of his sister, Enzo suddenly looks back up from where he was staring into his coffee cup, “How’s Hannah? Is she okay?”
It’s his dad that answers now, a crack in his voice audible when he starts, “She cried herself to sleep on the couch yesterday night. She’s scared for Evan and I tried to explain as much as I could to her but … Well, you know he’s just like a brother to her, she loves him endlessly but she’ll be okay.” All of them stay silent after that, each lost in their own thoughts and it’s not until Hannah walks into the kitchen, showered and dressed almost an hour later, that all of them look up in surprise at the time.
The moment Hannah sees Enzo sitting on the table, she practically leaps towards him, her arms tightly around him as she buries her face in the crook of his neck. “How is he? Is Evan going to be okay? When can I go and visit him?” she asks in one breath before she looks up at her brother. Enzo smiles a bit sadly at her, doing his best not to show too much of his worries to her and answers, “He’ll be okay, I don’t know when but he’ll be fine. But I think it’s going to take a little bit until you can visit him. I’m not sure though, I’ll ask later when I go back to the hospital.” She nods and starts to turn towards their mom but then she abruptly focuses back on Enzo, “Wait, why are you home? Shouldn’t you be in the hospital with Evan?”
He almost lets out a choked sob at the question, but can refrain himself just in time before he says, “I just came home to shower and change my clothes. Evan was asleep anyway.”
“Oh, okay then. You will tell him I love him when you go back, right?” Hannah asks him as almost an afterthought and all he can do is just nod as he can feel his throat constrict with his emotions.

After merely moments, Enzo pushes back his chair, suddenly announcing that he’s going to take a shower as he stands up and walks out of the room, his parents following his retreating form with worry in their eyes. He doesn’t stop into their bedroom, just heads straight into the bathroom and strips himself from his clothes while he lets the water in the shower run already. It’s only when his eyes unconsciously fall on the place where Evan was sitting that he just breaks down and slides down on the floor, his back against the wall next to the shower, sobbing uncontrollably for what seems hours with his arms wrapped around his knees. A soft knock and the door opening slightly, makes him look back up, finding his dad leaning against the doorframe with a concerned look.
“He is going to be okay, Enzo.” Tim says softly, “We’re all here for him and for you, son. Just remember that, you’re not alone in all this.” That last sentence elicits a soft smile from Enzo, looking up at his dad as he says, “You almost sound like one of his songs.” But the moment he has spoken those words, tears all already spilling back from his eyes. So his dad crouches down next to him, puts a hand on his bare shoulder and squeezes gently, “He’s a smart guy, he’s just … I don’t know, he just lost his path for a moment here. He’ll get there again, with you. Now go and take that shower.” Tim stands back up, smiling at his son before he leaves the bathroom again after Enzo saying softly, “Thank you dad. i love you.”
“I love you too Enzo, we all do.” Tim replies before he shuts the door behind him.

Enzo takes his shower in a record time, not in the mood to draw it out like he usually does whenever he gets the chance and soon enough he’s back out, toweled dry and walking towards their bedroom to quickly put on some fresh clothes. After dressing himself he heads back out, finding the door to their joined work room ajar and he snaps his head up, calling his dad throughout the hallway. Tim comes towards him fairly quickly, making Enzo think that he must’ve been anticipating his call, and looks between the opened door and Enzo for a moment. “Did you happen to find the pills in here, dad?” Enzo asks without any preamble, cutting right to the chase. His dad sighs and looks behind him towards the living room for a second before gesturing for them to go inside. As soon as the door shuts behind them, Tim runs a hand through his hair and nods towards a guitar case in the corner of the room. “The bottles were in there.” he says silently and Enzo can only stare at the case, looking at it as if it offended him in any way. “You got to be kidding me? In there? Why would he …” In a very similar way to his dad, Enzo runs his hand through his own hair as the walks to the guitar case, opening it with a sigh when he finds it empty. “I always thought he kept his old guitar in here. I mean, not that I had a reason to doubt that, but … Fuck, why?”
Sighing tiredly Tim shakes his head, “I don’t know. Didn’t he ever tell you anything about it? Even in a hidden way or something.”
“I’m not sure anymore, maybe … Maybe I just never picked up on it with being so busy and all. I don’t know.” Enzo replies as he closes the case again and looks around the room. It’s filled to his maximum almost, mostly Evan instruments stashed away here and a few bookcases along with two desks, one for each of them with their computers on top of them.
Coughing softly, Enzo’ dad says, “We’re heading out in a few minutes, do you need me to stay or something? I can if you want.”
“No, dad. Just go out with Hannah, she needs it too. I’ll just … I’ll just try to figure some stuff out here.” Enzo answers almost absentmindedly, his eyes still roaming the room as if it’s the first time he’s seen it. “Okay, we’ll be back in a few hours. See you later, son.” Tim speaks up before leaving Enzo alone in the room.

When he hears the click of the door closing, Enzo’ gaze snaps towards Evan’s computer and heads over to it, settling himself on the desk immediately. He starts the computer, quickly typing in Evan’s password and waits for it to start up completely. Right now he couldn’t be happier that both of them have each other’s passwords in case of something urgent, the feeling that here he might find some answers, since there are no clues as to what Evan had been doing exactly evident anywhere else. When Evan’s desktop pops up, a picture of the two of them from when they first moved into their apartment as a background, Enzo’ eyes fall on one of the few links that are fixed on the taskbar at the bottom. It’s one he’s never seen before, it doesn’t look even remotely familiar and he clicks it after a moment of hesitation.
Surprised to find that it opens a diary site, Enzo looks at it in confusion for a few seconds but then shakes his head and tries to enter the login. It’s remarkably easy for him to log on to it, Evan has used his normal personal email account and his usual password for it so soon he finds himself staring at what is apparently a homepage of Evan’s online diary.
“What the fuck?” he mumbles as he clicks the first entry made, scanning over the words quickly.

April 20th : Okay, I finally found some pills online and ordered them immediately. Now here’s hoping they’ll get the job done. Oh yeah, I also started jogging and exercising again. Really, really want to get rid of that belly of mine. Ugh, …
Enzo got home early today, but didn’t say anything just yet. I want to make sure that it’ll help before I mention it to him. I’m positive though he’ll try to talk me out of it…
Squinting at the mention of Evan deliberately hiding this from him, Enzo quickly clicks on another date a bit further along, starting to read them more deliberately.

June 13th : Shooting is finally done, now it’s waiting for the completion of it and I can’t wait to see it. I can feel things have changed with me, and some of the staff complimented me earlier on my weight loss. There’s still a bit that I do need to lose, but I’m sure I’ll get there.
Been having some issues with Enzo though. Not sure why but we keep having these arguments about the stupidest things … Although, mostly I think he doesn’t like the way I look these days and it shows in his comments and looks he’s giving me. He tries to hide them, but I can see it clearly …

September 1st : Fuck!! Can I swear here for a few moments, I hate it when we fight but we can’t seem to stop it either. I’m just so scared Enzo will finally realize that he doesn’t want me like this anymore. I just know I’m not the way I used to be. …

September 27th : Went to the doctor today. Haven’t really been feeling well but apparently my blood pressure was on the high side. He kept asking about my weight though … Told him all would be fine, that I was just stressed and that showed in my weight loss. I’m not sure he was all that convinced though. Of course not, the few pounds I’ve lost are hardly noticeable at the moment. I can’t believe he actually brought it up, but well, he’s a doctor so I guess even half a pound can be a lot for them.
Started sleeping on the couch too last night, I can’t bear to think of the rejection Enzo is sure to give if he should accidentally wrap his arms around me in his sleep and realizes I’m not the one he fell in love with.
Still can’t tell him about the pills though … Not anymore, not after I see him looking at me and I just know it’s because I don’t fit his ideal anymore. …

October 17th : I can’t … I just can’t see it. Why doesn’t this work anymore … I can see the way the others look at me. I know they only look at me and pity me. Fuck, I need to write again, but those stares aren’t doing me any good either.
My head hurts and my stomach feels like it has needles in it. Maybe if I only … I don’t even know. Enzo said something today again about when we were on the show, the way people loved me even without those abs like Ian’s or Harry’s. God, I know that was just his way of telling me I’ve always been too fat. I don’t even know why he started seeing me …

November 12th : Gotta keep myself up … Enzo’ parents are coming over for thanksgiving and it’s been months since I’ve seen them. I just want to lock myself in my room and not come out. I don’t want to see the way they’ll be sure to look at me. Fuck, I can’t keep doing this … I need to talk to Enzo, I really do … I know that. But what if he doesn’t want me anymore once he figures out how much of a lost cause I really am. I can’t even keep my weight down anymore.
FUCK! …

November 22d : I didn’t talk to Enzo.
I hate this … I hate the way I look … I fucking hate me …

Enzo kept reading, up until Evan’s last entry, merely a few days ago and practically chokes on a sob that escapes his lips as he reads his boyfriend’s words. He sits there for minutes, staring at the screen with a horrified look on his face. He can’t believe Evan actually started believing that he didn’t really love him anymore because of the way he thinks he looks.
Now though, things are starting to fall into place in Enzo’ mind, all the fights, the way Evan reacted and the real reason he actually started sleeping on the couch. It’s so difficult to comprehend though, every single thing Evan has been hiding from Enzo, every single thought that led up to this point and all Enzo can really think right now is that it’s his fault. That he should’ve noticed more, asked more, maybe even demanded for Evan to sit down and really talk to him whenever they had words in the past months. Conversations keep running through his mind, endlessly on repeat, his own words resounding in his head now and realizing how Evan could’ve taken them in his mindset.
He pushes himself off the desk and runs out of the room, not even bothering to close the computer again and without even grabbing a jacket, he takes his keys and heads outside to his car.