Two Steps to the Right

He didn’t feel right. His insides were all meh and the cold didn’t feel as cold as it should have. There was no reason to feel like this, all empty and sad, and that was what made him question his sanity. Life was good. No money problems, no medical problems, no family problems, no nothing that could serve as a valid excuse for why he had chosen to isolate himself on this park bench in 25 degree weather this Friday night. It was somehow more comforting that it was dark outside. It looked and felt more representative of his insides. His head whirred with all his thoughts like a dark tornado and he sighed inwardly. He stood up, it had been a half hour and he could feel his extremities starting to go numb from the cold. He made a slow fist, just to be sure it was his own hand, and to make sure that this person was indeed himself. He didn’t feel like this body was himself sometimes. He sometimes wouldn’t recognize himself in the mirror, or he’d feel like his arms or hands weren’t his, as if the real him were somewhere in the back sitting on the sofa of his subconscious while some alien persona controlled his body movements like some kind of intricate puppet. He was trapped in his own mind, and couldn’t find the way out.
He sighed again, this time with a huff of breath that swirled away in smoke carried by the cold breeze. He made a fist. Were his fingers slow to respond because of the cold, or because of the disconnection between his mind and body? He admitted to himself that his lack of sleep probably had something to do with how he didn’t feel right. He stayed up to 3am regularly, not because of classwork or his part time job, but because the thought of waking up again to see a new day was so disappointing. Day to day living was a chore, a test of endurance rather than a joy. For whatever unknown reason, he just didn’t like living. He had given up trying to understand why a long time ago.
He zipped his jacket up a little more and shoved his hands in his pockets. Maybe he would go for a walk. He thought of all the people he could visit, the ones that might even consider him a friend, but he brushed the thought aside. There was a strange flash of conflict between his subconscious desires and his all too present feelings. He did want to be around people. But no he didn’t. That would be silly. Maybe he wanted to want to have the desire to be around people to justify a visit. He shook his head, as if the physical action would clear his mind like a bowl of water being sloshed from side to side. Maybe someday he’d want to be around people again, but for now he just wanted to walk. It was strange that he felt compelled to aimlessly walk down the street. He had no goal in mind. Maybe walking would help him outpace his crazy. His crazy what? He didn’t know.
There he went, having a conversation with himself again as if he were two different people. All his emotions seemed to be another person in there, so maybe he was more than two. Maybe he was three or ten or twenty.
Sadness wanted to curl up into a ball and cry, Frustration wanted to yell out loud and run until he couldn’t run anymore, Shame wanted him to walk until he was far enough away that no one would notice he was even gone. Rationality poked his head in the room and asked how that would even be possible. How would walking farther make someone else forget you were there in the first place? In fact none of you seem to be contributing logical ideas or care about the consequences of any— oh stop it there, moaned Hopelessness. It doesn’t matter whether they’re rational or not, they’re all part of him and equally as real and there’s nothing that can be done about it. No, none of these thoughts are real, shrieked Denial, only Rationality should exist in this bubble head of his! Normal people don’t think all these thoughts and you’re normal you don’t have them and they’re only thoughts and can’t influence any actions that—
Take two steps to the right, suggested the voice of Darkness, immediately overpowering the other clamoring thoughts. Take two steps to the right and you’ll be in the road where oncoming traffic can hit you head on. Isn’t that an easy solution?
He looked up and felt the wind of a car brush against his face as it rushed past. Yes, he was walking by the road, and yes, he could take two steps to the right. Death felt like a very welcoming idea. It was like a warm blanket that he could float away in. He was now numb to it emotionally, and that made him much more open minded to the idea of a permanent solution. Everything died, and why not him a few decades earlier than most? So… two steps to the right. That would be much easier than tricking his relatives into lending him a gun for a “school project” or becoming a custodian for his building to get access to the fourth floor of the building (he supposed four floors would be high enough) or finding how to buy enough sleeping pills to put him under before yanking a plastic bag (with the kind of think rubber band at the neck) over his head. Instead of all of that…
Just two steps to the right, reminded Darkness helpfully.
Another car sped by. It helped that the cars didn’t have faces in them. They were just big metal boxed with dark glass fronts. They neither acknowledged or cared for by-passers. Maybe if he was lucky the car he stood in front of wouldn’t stop at all. It would feel a bump and keep going to its destination without a second thought.
But aren’t there people in the cars?, he asked. Maybe they would be scared to see someone standing in the road. They might even turn too quickly and send someone else off into the void instead of him, and then where would they be?
Don’t worry about it, they won’t mind, said Darkness.
Darkness was his friend. All the other thoughts seemed to bog him down but usually darkness said what would make him feel better. Sometimes he agreed with Loneliness and Apathy, and the three together generally made more sense to him than Rationality.
He turned into the street and thought he might have perceived reality going a bit slower than normal. He took a step into the street and his ears suddenly turned on and he recognized the sounds of a dozen cars driving on different parts of the street. There were one or two pair of headlights getting gradually bigger.
You ought to take another step, cooed Darkness. If you take a step with your right leg and wait for just twenty more seconds those metal boxes will reach you.
His leg started to change weight and take another step but Rationality yelled wait! WE can’t do that, we can’t wait for the car to hit us here. That’s ridiculous. The cars on this road are going 35 miles per hour, and you KNOW that cars need to be going at least 55 to have a reasonable chance of being lethal on impact.
Was that really Rationality?? He didn’t know anymore, and didn’t care much either, but it made sense to him so he silently nodded and stepped back onto the sidewalk. There was a round of groans from the thoughts. That was the simplest plan yet, and you still managed to screw it up!said the Sergeant. He didn’t really know who the Sergeant was, he was a couple different thoughts and emotions combined, but he sure yelled a lot. The Sergeant helped him recognize when and where he messed up and what parts of him were wrong and bad, but sometimes he confused it with Disappointment and Discouragement. Beratement was a good description of it but that wasn’t really an emotion, so he just thought of it as the Sergeant, because he reminded him what a drill sergeant might be like.
Regret cursed the fact that he had missed his opportunity as well, but they both were suddenly overtaken by Darkness. I hate to admit it, sighed Darkness, but it’s true. You need to walk further to where the cars go by the sidewalk faster. Try the highway.
He continued moving his legs in awkward stride. He glanced at his watch. It had already been an hour, and he’d hardly felt it. Well, he didn’t feel hunger (at least not for the last several months), or happiness, or sadness very often in fact he hardly felt anything so I guess it wouldn’t be that strange to be numb to the passing of time too. He cracked a smile and pursed his lips to stop from laughing. It wasn’t really funny, but it still felt a smile inadvertently plaster itself on his face. He thought to himself how insane it all was and walked with deliberation south towards the highway.
Sadness snuck back and made tears start to well up in his eyes. He brushed them away, a bit confused why Sadness thought this was a good time to act up. He gave way for Apathy to take back control and pushed Sadness back into the recesses of his mind.
This was some internal conflict, wasn’t it. What are they fighting over anyhow?
He made it to another street corner and the green man on the sign told him it was okay to move into the street, but he was already halfway to the other side of the crosswalk, looking to the side where the headlights rushed towards him. He felt a twinge of disappointment as they stopped at the red light.
Another corner and he was on main street. How long had he been walking? How far away was his room? Does that really matter, cooed Hopelessness? I guess not, he thought.
What are you doing walking on this street towards the highway? That’s one of the most pitiful, pathetic calls for attention I’ve ever seen! The Sergeant snarled.
Wait, which of you are on my side? He directed the thought to them all.
We’re all on your side, they all replied.
Well, should I be walking there or not?
Never mind where you’re walking to, your body is probably cold after being outside so long! Is that how you treat your body even though there are so many others that can’t walk how you do, or have all that you have in your perfect life!? the Sergeant grumbled.
Yeah, what do you think about that? Questioned Guilt, making a surprise appearance.
Don’t listen to them, returned Darkness. It’s not that cold outside, and you have a jacket. I mean, do you feel cold?
I guess not, he admitted.
Then walk. Darkness added reassuringly that many people had been, and will be colder and live to tell the tale.
He followed the instruction. Maybe I just need to go to sleep, he opted.
No, you should get to the highway, argued Darkness.
Sadness seized control once more and he stopped in his tracks, suddenly confused about what was going on and what his surroundings were. Tears started to well up again. He felt his body signaling something. He was…cold. Very cold. Maybe hungry too. He tried to snap his fingers but could only clumsily wave his hand back and forth.
Maybe he didn’t want to go to the highway, it was still several miles out. What he wanted was a donut. He wandered inside the 7/11 and looked for one. No donuts. Maybe he’d get a small cup of hot chocolate for a dollar. His hands shook more than he thought they would as he tried to fill it up without burning himself. He thought back to the last few minutes. Wait, had he seen anyone as he entered the store? Were there people here? Were there any other people that he’d seen tonight? Yes…that’s right. The cashier was there and had said something like “hello”. He hadn’t noticed almost.
He was soon walking again, but towards campus again.
I feel crazy, he thought. I must be insane.
He was taking more control of his headspace and Rationality came back out from the other room and started to sweep the others away and clear them out. The other thoughts and emotions had slinked away to where their complaints couldn’t be heard so clearly. He again was a mix of everything and felt nothing, however paradoxical it sounded out loud. He thought maybe he shouldn’t be left alone to his thoughts the rest of the night.
He left the store and took out his phone. He texted someone and they responded.
We’ll try again later, said Darkness reassuringly. We got closer this time but don’t worry, we’ll get there.
He shook his head again and closed his hands into fists and closed his eyes. Where was the cup of chocolate? Oh, he had set it down.
He focused on opening and closing his fists and brought himself closer into reality. This was reality, he was here, he was in the now, and he was going to be in control.
He took out his phone again. I’ll visit for just a bit, I just need to warm up, and probably shouldn’t be left alone to my own thoughts. That’s enough for tonight, he thought, more pleading for calm than commanding it. That’s enough for tonight.
He started to walk back. Did he need help or something? No, he chastised himself, it was all just in his head.