Are You Happy?

At least that what I told myself, but she planted the seed. I was actively trying not the think about it or about him in that way but it was still tucked away in the back of my head, lingering at the end of my thoughts. I started to notice that the way he talked to me, the way he acted around me, could easily be mistaken for signs of interest, but that’s just the way it’s always been. Nothing had changed in his demeanor since I met him, it’s just his personality. Though I had definitely spent some time thinking about it. He’s a great guy. He always makes me smile and knows the right thing to say. He has a habit of making me blush, although I’m not sure if that’s intentional. There’s very few reasons I can think of to not be into him.

Every time that seed started to take root in my brain, I tried to squash it down. I told myself that it didn’t matter if he liked me or not because it wasn’t the right time to get involved. I needed to find a school, pick a major, get a better job, move out of my parents place, and I’d really like to start doing things I enjoy again. Like painting. I don’t think I’ve even touched that desk in years but lately it’s been calling to me. Or even just drawing. Start small. See? Lots of things that need to get done. No time for boys. Even cute ones.

Laying in bed thinking about everything was only stressing me out, and preventing me from getting the sleep I needed. I took a gap year for a reason. When it was time to apply to colleges I was in no place mentally or emotionally to even consider it. I gave myself a year, my gap year, to find myself again - to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life. I had thought I was making progress but it’s not enough. I had just a little over six months until it was time to send in applications again. My parents would be back next week, fussing over me again to make sure I’d been handling everything okay.

I headed into the kitchen to make some tea to clear my head. Levi was surprisingly still awake, sitting at the breakfast bar no one ever used. He was obviously still a little drunk, chewing loudly on cold pizza.

“Long night?” I laughed. He nodded in response and took another bite while I turned on the keurig.

“You look stressed,” he said with his mouth full.

“That’s what the tea is for,” I answered, putting the bag in my mug.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. I just have a lot to do and not nearly enough time.”

“Can I help?” Yeah he’s definitely not sober. He’s a good brother, and he’s there when I need him, but he never offers help unless specifically asked. He leaves the shadowing to my parents.

“Wanna go to college for me?”

“You don’t want to go to college? Dads gonna be pissed,” he snorted. We talked for a while about why I didn’t want to go, that I couldn’t pick a major. I didn’t have the right credits or portfolio for an art major and everything else was wildly uninteresting. He first suggested fleeing the country, thanks to the vodka, but then he said it. Possibly the best idea he’s had since birth.

“What about graphic design?”

I took my tea and ran back into my room, opening my laptop. There were a lot of schools that offered graphic design courses and majors. It’d be perfect. I can be creative, I can paint, just on the computer. I wouldn’t need specific high school credits to apply and a lot of them didn’t need any type of portfolio. I could even take my classes online, I wouldn’t have to step foot on a campus.

The relief was short lived though, with the rest of my to-do list looming over my head. I still had months before I could apply to any of these programs, which meant months to be talked out of it. I’ll have to sit with the idea for a while before telling Mom.

———

It’s been a few days since I’d seen Ashton at his friends party. We texted often but I had avoided his last two invites to hang out after Riley had put that idea in my head. I felt bad about ditching him and I was really starting to miss how much he made me laugh. I needed cheering up after work yesterday and the talk with Levi last night, and maybe I just wanted to see him, so I sent him a text. We’re still good friends after all.

Willow: coffee later?
Ashton: yes ma’am. I get off at 2

After he replied I decided it was finally time to roll out of bed and get ready for work. It was nearly 7 already. News had finally spread about Jason and I breaking up. Nobody had been out-right rude or anything but they all looked at me like I'd kicked their dog or something. I showered and headed to work, hoping the day would pass quickly.

It didn't. I was looking forward to seeing Ashton and work dragged on. When I finally pulled into the Starbucks parking lot, he was standing outside his car waiting for me.

"You didn't have to wait for me, you could've gotten a drink," I laughed.

"You make the line less boring," He smirked. He pushed off the car and walked to the door. I stood there a second, frozen, before following him.