Status: Complete
Risk It All
Normal
'Trauma never goes away completely, it changes perhaps, softens some with time, but never completely goes away.'
Waking up to the inevitable new life Nolee was now forced to live, the first moments had left her numb. She had tread lightly into the unknown path she was now on, trying to figure out her next move. She had felt fragile and sensitive in her attempt to live life after trauma occurs. The unnerving feeling of what would come next now that everything you've ever known was forever gone.
The years Nolee had spent with Tristan may have been tainted, but it still had been a major part of her life, a routine. Now that major part of her life was no longer existent and Nolee was lost more than ever before. Most people might have had an optimistic outlook on her freedom, after all there was nothing holding her back anymore. But those people didn't know that even when a trauma ends, it never really ends. There's still a battle of the mind wanting to hold on to memories the heart desperately wants to forget, there is no compromise.
The cruel irony of her tainted dreams and the nightmares that plagued her mercilessly before had only worsened. Her mind replaying Tristan's death over and over and the sound of the trigger being pulled echoed in her head. But it was also in her dreams that instead of Tristan being the one to die, it was always Murphy.
A scream would escape her mouth as she sat up gasping for breath and covered in sweat. The internal pain of her nightmares returning left her temporarily helpless. Even though doctors had warned her the possibility of this happening, it did little to ease the suffering.
"Nolee baby, it was just a dream." Murphy would whisper as he sat up with her and wrapped his arms around her just like he did the first night. Again, her hand would reach out to touch his cheek and make sure she was really feeling him. The tears inevitably falling when she felt his warm skin against her palm, signifying the dream hadn't been real.
"It was just a dream my love, I'm still here. Ye ain't gettin' rid of me just yet." Murphy would add kissing her hair. It was then she'd wrap herself around him with her fingers clutching his shirt. A feeling of fright had swept through her at the realization of her being attached to him. The frightening feeling that if something harmful happened to him, she absolutely couldn't bare it.
It was fair to assume to next few days after leaving the hospital had been trying. Her mind had only wanted to stay in Murphy's bed and nothing else. The desire to face the world had been low but the more she laid in the bed, the more dreams would haunt her. Eventually drained of her mental torture Nolee knew the only the way to keep afloat was to get back to her normal routine. Of course the conversation of her returning to the coffee shop hadn't gone well with Murphy. The fear of her becoming stressed out too much had put him in a state of paranoia after what happened at the hospital.
But being the stubborn girl she'd always been underneath the surface, she managed to win the battle. And within a short period of time Nolee vowed to return to Cosmo's. Mostly out of guilt of Kira having to now cover her shifts, but Nolee also felt guilty for invading Connor's personal space back at his and Murphy's apartment. Nolee had prolonged returning to her own apartment as long as possible even when Agent Smecker had called to let her know the investigation had finally closed. Her thoughts had been shut off in regards to where Tristan's body would now be heading.
She was unsure if she could carry on in her apartment especially after Tristan had managed to taint yet another safe haven for her. But as the desperate plea for normalcy grew rapidly inside her, Nolee had to swallow the hard pill that was life.
"Ye gonna be okay?" Murphy whispered uneasily as they stood outside her apartment door. Her eyes had stared at the door blankly while her body tried to gather the courage to open, despite the yellow caution tape finally being removed.
"I don't know." she answered honestly turning her gaze to him. There was a brief moment of exhaustion in his eyes she could detect instantly making her feel guilt. She knew he was trying his hardest to help her recover from everything. He had been so patient with her like he always was she hadn't taken the time to notice how much it was actually affecting him. She further continued to feel like shit remembering what he told her at the hospital, she surely hadn't forgotten.
"I love you Nolee."
The unexpected words from him had thrown her off completely. Guilt further ate at her at still not having been able to say it back to him. Each time she would try and say it back, there was something stopping her. Even though Murphy hadn't brought it up Nolee could see on his face every now and then that he wanted to.
"Ye don't have ta go back here just yet, ye more than fine stayin' at our place." he offered gently sensing her hesitation.
"I have to do this Murphy, I need to feel normal again. Plus I'm sure Connor would like to use his bathroom in peace."
"Connor's been fine stayin' at Roc's anyways, he understands."
"Still, it's not fair to put him out because of me. I eventually have to come back here anyways." Nolee reasoned with a sigh as she turned back to the door. Carefully her fingers reached for the knob and twisted. Slowly opening the door she took a step inside the small apartment and looked around. It strangely felt untouched and most of her things had remained the same. The glass shards had swept up, and as her feet got closer to the living room a nervous feeling brewed in her stomach at the spot Tristan had been in. The blood had been cleaned out and any trace of him seemed to be gone thankfully, except for in her mind.
"Maybe it's best if ye find another place ta live." Murphy had suggested. A part of her had wanted to agree with him that perhaps it was a good idea to seek out a new apartment. But the realistic part of her knew it would be unwise to try and find a place now when the baby would be due very soon. At this point she had no means to spend her savings on anything else, she had no choice but to suck it up.
"When the baby is born I will." she answered softly. "But for now, I'll have to deal with it." she added firmly sticking to her decision. She could feel Murphy's eyes burn a hole into her with disapproval but she simply disregarded it.
Tearing her eyes away from the spot on the floor Nolee walked to the window of her living room and opened it up. The beams of dust had danced in the sunlight that was now exposed, for normally Nolee had always kept the curtains shut. Uneasy at the idea of people looking into her apartment it was instinct to keep everything closed, especially given her past paranoia of Tristan. Pushing the dusty black curtains to the side and allowing the sunshine to beam in fully as well with fresh Boston air, she exhaled a deep breath. The view from her apartment window seemed so different now, but the feeling hadn't scared her away. This was still her safe haven, the little rundown place she had found solace in when she first moved here and it would continue to be just that.
Tristan had manage to many things from her, physical and mental, but this...Nolee refused to let him have.
______
*Two weeks later*
There was a neutral feeling of calmness as she scraped off the crumbs of the muffin trays. Previously a mundane task Nolee had now took it in stride. Settling into a new routine at Cosmo's had been easier than she anticipated. The customers still may have been assholes occasionally, but Nolee had become grateful for all the distractions. It had helped taken her mind off of things as she still tried to adjust with a life with no sign of Tristan. There were still moments she would catch herself having paranoia of him finding her. It would take some time for her mind to retrain of course, but for now all she could do was take it day by day.
"Have a good day." Nolee smiled at the customer handing their coffee before they had exited the shop.
"Okay, look I know you're trying to be as normal as possible, but you're being like way too nice to customers. It's scaring me." Kira told the smaller girl with wide eyes making Nolee laugh slightly.
"Sorry Kira. Just how I am I guess." Nolee shrugged at her best friend. Kira had been extra tentative since the hospital and Nolee could see she now appeared to walk on eggshells around her. It seemed that everyone had been that way towards her and part of her was agitated by it at this point. The only person who still treated her normally was of course Cosmo, not like he had been informed of everything she had endured lately.
"It's fine." Kira quickly assured not wanting to chance hurting the smaller girl's feelings. Nolee only sighed in frustration as she tilted her head at her best friend.
"K, please stop."
"Stop what?" Kira asked with confused eyes.
"Stop feeling like you have to walk on eggshells around me now."
"I'm sorry." Kira bit her lip anxiously in response. "I just want to make sure you're doing okay. I don't want you stress out."
"You sound like Murphy." Nolee sighed at the familiar paranoia now rubbing off on her best friend.
"It's true though. You're so close to giving birth, I just want...I need you to be okay." Kira had whispered. Nolee felt her stomach churn slightly noticing the taller girl's expression. It was obvious how much her scare at the hospital had affected everyone. And it made her guilty to see the people she cared about being worn out from worrying about her.
"I'm fine Kira, I promise." Nolee whispered back placing her hands on the other girls shoulders. What I need is my amazing sarcastic best friend insulting me to help me get through my work days again." Nolee replied softly but the plea in her voice had been obvious. She needed her friendship to carry on the way it had been before the recent events occured.
"Your brisk walking around the shop is officially a turbo waddle." Kira replied calmly as both girls stared each other down before Nolee had been the first break down in laughter. Her hands clutched her stomach as she tried to contain herself. It had been a long time it seemed since she laughed this hard. Wiping the faint tears from her eyes from laughing, she smiled at her best friend gratefully.
"Thank you."
______
"Murphy better have ordered my burger I'm starving." Nolee grumbled as she entered the familiar doors to McGinty's. The twins and Rocco had somehow persuaded her to have dinner and drinks (well they got to drink at least) at their second home. Her interest in being out in public was still low and while the twins had been sympathetic to her hermit ways, they still offered her invites to get out the apartment once in a while. Maybe it was for best that she did finally, it had been a while since she had seen Rocco anyways.
"And a strawberry milkshake." she whispered childishly as she began to make her way deeper into the bar but just as she took another step forward, she felt herself trip over her shoelace.
"Damn it. Not again." she groaned at the prospect of having to bend over. It was an extremely daunting task at this point doing anything at this level with her belly, especially at work. She looked around her nervously making sure no one else witnessed what a jackass she felt like trying to reach around for her shoe laces.
"Hey, anyone seen Murphy lately?" she heard a distinct male voice say as her head automatically lifted up in curiosity.
"Ye, ta lad's been missin' in action."
"Oh t'ats right, he's too busy playin' step-dad." another voice chimed in while Nolee recognized the voices as the common Irishmen bar-goers.
"God I can't believe he's really willin' ta take care of a kid t'ats not even his."
"Such a shame t'at young lad, wastin' all his potential."
"Poor stoke got no idea he's throwin' his whole life away."
Unable to hear anymore of the mens' conversation Nolee lifted herself back up. She bit her lip as she tried to control the knotting in her stomach. She swiftly turned on her heels to exit the bar, quietly wiping the tears that fallen down her cheeks.
____
Nolee was not sure how long she sat on her couch staring at the turned off television. The mens' words had echoed in her mind. Nausea began to build as the more the words played, she began to wonder if the words held merit. With her mind already in a delicate state the words had cut at her, especially when they were already thoughts she had buried deep down. To hear someone else say them out loud broke her.
"Poor stoke got no idea he's throwin' his whole life away."
Her lip began to tremble as her thoughts had shifted to Murphy. She replayed that exhausted look he had in his those captivating eyes back at her apartment. The captivating carefree eyes that were slowly being worn down because of her. Murphy had doted on her constantly and each day he seemed to show her how amazing he was. He had been so patient with her as she tried to fix her life. But was she really worth him wearing himself out like this?
"You really think he'll love someone as weak as you and take care of your child?" Tristan snarled pointing at Murphy on the ground. "He'll realize soon what a burden you'll be and then what darlin?'
Remembering Tristan's words more tears slipped out as it only seemed like it was confirmation of her and the men's' thoughts. The rose colored glasses were lifted and Nolee realized now the gravity of the situation, just how much Murphy really would be giving up all because of her. The traumas, Tristan, and the baby...they were right. She really was nothing more than a burden. And what would happen when Murphy realized that?
More time had seem to pass as she remained in her spot lost in her thoughts. The eventual sound of her door opening broke her out of her trance. A lump in her throat formed already knowing it was Murphy.
"T'ere ye are lass. Roc, Con, and I were waitin' at ta bar for ye, what happened?" Murphy sighed with relief to find her on the couch. Another wince going through her at seeing him worrying over her yet again.
"What's ta matter love?" Murphy asked concerned noticing her silence. Biting her lip and closing her eyes for a brief second, she inhaled a deep breath before slowly raising her read to meet his eyes, an ache in her heart.
"Murphy...we need to talk."
Waking up to the inevitable new life Nolee was now forced to live, the first moments had left her numb. She had tread lightly into the unknown path she was now on, trying to figure out her next move. She had felt fragile and sensitive in her attempt to live life after trauma occurs. The unnerving feeling of what would come next now that everything you've ever known was forever gone.
The years Nolee had spent with Tristan may have been tainted, but it still had been a major part of her life, a routine. Now that major part of her life was no longer existent and Nolee was lost more than ever before. Most people might have had an optimistic outlook on her freedom, after all there was nothing holding her back anymore. But those people didn't know that even when a trauma ends, it never really ends. There's still a battle of the mind wanting to hold on to memories the heart desperately wants to forget, there is no compromise.
The cruel irony of her tainted dreams and the nightmares that plagued her mercilessly before had only worsened. Her mind replaying Tristan's death over and over and the sound of the trigger being pulled echoed in her head. But it was also in her dreams that instead of Tristan being the one to die, it was always Murphy.
A scream would escape her mouth as she sat up gasping for breath and covered in sweat. The internal pain of her nightmares returning left her temporarily helpless. Even though doctors had warned her the possibility of this happening, it did little to ease the suffering.
"Nolee baby, it was just a dream." Murphy would whisper as he sat up with her and wrapped his arms around her just like he did the first night. Again, her hand would reach out to touch his cheek and make sure she was really feeling him. The tears inevitably falling when she felt his warm skin against her palm, signifying the dream hadn't been real.
"It was just a dream my love, I'm still here. Ye ain't gettin' rid of me just yet." Murphy would add kissing her hair. It was then she'd wrap herself around him with her fingers clutching his shirt. A feeling of fright had swept through her at the realization of her being attached to him. The frightening feeling that if something harmful happened to him, she absolutely couldn't bare it.
It was fair to assume to next few days after leaving the hospital had been trying. Her mind had only wanted to stay in Murphy's bed and nothing else. The desire to face the world had been low but the more she laid in the bed, the more dreams would haunt her. Eventually drained of her mental torture Nolee knew the only the way to keep afloat was to get back to her normal routine. Of course the conversation of her returning to the coffee shop hadn't gone well with Murphy. The fear of her becoming stressed out too much had put him in a state of paranoia after what happened at the hospital.
But being the stubborn girl she'd always been underneath the surface, she managed to win the battle. And within a short period of time Nolee vowed to return to Cosmo's. Mostly out of guilt of Kira having to now cover her shifts, but Nolee also felt guilty for invading Connor's personal space back at his and Murphy's apartment. Nolee had prolonged returning to her own apartment as long as possible even when Agent Smecker had called to let her know the investigation had finally closed. Her thoughts had been shut off in regards to where Tristan's body would now be heading.
She was unsure if she could carry on in her apartment especially after Tristan had managed to taint yet another safe haven for her. But as the desperate plea for normalcy grew rapidly inside her, Nolee had to swallow the hard pill that was life.
"Ye gonna be okay?" Murphy whispered uneasily as they stood outside her apartment door. Her eyes had stared at the door blankly while her body tried to gather the courage to open, despite the yellow caution tape finally being removed.
"I don't know." she answered honestly turning her gaze to him. There was a brief moment of exhaustion in his eyes she could detect instantly making her feel guilt. She knew he was trying his hardest to help her recover from everything. He had been so patient with her like he always was she hadn't taken the time to notice how much it was actually affecting him. She further continued to feel like shit remembering what he told her at the hospital, she surely hadn't forgotten.
"I love you Nolee."
The unexpected words from him had thrown her off completely. Guilt further ate at her at still not having been able to say it back to him. Each time she would try and say it back, there was something stopping her. Even though Murphy hadn't brought it up Nolee could see on his face every now and then that he wanted to.
"Ye don't have ta go back here just yet, ye more than fine stayin' at our place." he offered gently sensing her hesitation.
"I have to do this Murphy, I need to feel normal again. Plus I'm sure Connor would like to use his bathroom in peace."
"Connor's been fine stayin' at Roc's anyways, he understands."
"Still, it's not fair to put him out because of me. I eventually have to come back here anyways." Nolee reasoned with a sigh as she turned back to the door. Carefully her fingers reached for the knob and twisted. Slowly opening the door she took a step inside the small apartment and looked around. It strangely felt untouched and most of her things had remained the same. The glass shards had swept up, and as her feet got closer to the living room a nervous feeling brewed in her stomach at the spot Tristan had been in. The blood had been cleaned out and any trace of him seemed to be gone thankfully, except for in her mind.
"Maybe it's best if ye find another place ta live." Murphy had suggested. A part of her had wanted to agree with him that perhaps it was a good idea to seek out a new apartment. But the realistic part of her knew it would be unwise to try and find a place now when the baby would be due very soon. At this point she had no means to spend her savings on anything else, she had no choice but to suck it up.
"When the baby is born I will." she answered softly. "But for now, I'll have to deal with it." she added firmly sticking to her decision. She could feel Murphy's eyes burn a hole into her with disapproval but she simply disregarded it.
Tearing her eyes away from the spot on the floor Nolee walked to the window of her living room and opened it up. The beams of dust had danced in the sunlight that was now exposed, for normally Nolee had always kept the curtains shut. Uneasy at the idea of people looking into her apartment it was instinct to keep everything closed, especially given her past paranoia of Tristan. Pushing the dusty black curtains to the side and allowing the sunshine to beam in fully as well with fresh Boston air, she exhaled a deep breath. The view from her apartment window seemed so different now, but the feeling hadn't scared her away. This was still her safe haven, the little rundown place she had found solace in when she first moved here and it would continue to be just that.
Tristan had manage to many things from her, physical and mental, but this...Nolee refused to let him have.
______
*Two weeks later*
There was a neutral feeling of calmness as she scraped off the crumbs of the muffin trays. Previously a mundane task Nolee had now took it in stride. Settling into a new routine at Cosmo's had been easier than she anticipated. The customers still may have been assholes occasionally, but Nolee had become grateful for all the distractions. It had helped taken her mind off of things as she still tried to adjust with a life with no sign of Tristan. There were still moments she would catch herself having paranoia of him finding her. It would take some time for her mind to retrain of course, but for now all she could do was take it day by day.
"Have a good day." Nolee smiled at the customer handing their coffee before they had exited the shop.
"Okay, look I know you're trying to be as normal as possible, but you're being like way too nice to customers. It's scaring me." Kira told the smaller girl with wide eyes making Nolee laugh slightly.
"Sorry Kira. Just how I am I guess." Nolee shrugged at her best friend. Kira had been extra tentative since the hospital and Nolee could see she now appeared to walk on eggshells around her. It seemed that everyone had been that way towards her and part of her was agitated by it at this point. The only person who still treated her normally was of course Cosmo, not like he had been informed of everything she had endured lately.
"It's fine." Kira quickly assured not wanting to chance hurting the smaller girl's feelings. Nolee only sighed in frustration as she tilted her head at her best friend.
"K, please stop."
"Stop what?" Kira asked with confused eyes.
"Stop feeling like you have to walk on eggshells around me now."
"I'm sorry." Kira bit her lip anxiously in response. "I just want to make sure you're doing okay. I don't want you stress out."
"You sound like Murphy." Nolee sighed at the familiar paranoia now rubbing off on her best friend.
"It's true though. You're so close to giving birth, I just want...I need you to be okay." Kira had whispered. Nolee felt her stomach churn slightly noticing the taller girl's expression. It was obvious how much her scare at the hospital had affected everyone. And it made her guilty to see the people she cared about being worn out from worrying about her.
"I'm fine Kira, I promise." Nolee whispered back placing her hands on the other girls shoulders. What I need is my amazing sarcastic best friend insulting me to help me get through my work days again." Nolee replied softly but the plea in her voice had been obvious. She needed her friendship to carry on the way it had been before the recent events occured.
"Your brisk walking around the shop is officially a turbo waddle." Kira replied calmly as both girls stared each other down before Nolee had been the first break down in laughter. Her hands clutched her stomach as she tried to contain herself. It had been a long time it seemed since she laughed this hard. Wiping the faint tears from her eyes from laughing, she smiled at her best friend gratefully.
"Thank you."
______
"Murphy better have ordered my burger I'm starving." Nolee grumbled as she entered the familiar doors to McGinty's. The twins and Rocco had somehow persuaded her to have dinner and drinks (well they got to drink at least) at their second home. Her interest in being out in public was still low and while the twins had been sympathetic to her hermit ways, they still offered her invites to get out the apartment once in a while. Maybe it was for best that she did finally, it had been a while since she had seen Rocco anyways.
"And a strawberry milkshake." she whispered childishly as she began to make her way deeper into the bar but just as she took another step forward, she felt herself trip over her shoelace.
"Damn it. Not again." she groaned at the prospect of having to bend over. It was an extremely daunting task at this point doing anything at this level with her belly, especially at work. She looked around her nervously making sure no one else witnessed what a jackass she felt like trying to reach around for her shoe laces.
"Hey, anyone seen Murphy lately?" she heard a distinct male voice say as her head automatically lifted up in curiosity.
"Ye, ta lad's been missin' in action."
"Oh t'ats right, he's too busy playin' step-dad." another voice chimed in while Nolee recognized the voices as the common Irishmen bar-goers.
"God I can't believe he's really willin' ta take care of a kid t'ats not even his."
"Such a shame t'at young lad, wastin' all his potential."
"Poor stoke got no idea he's throwin' his whole life away."
Unable to hear anymore of the mens' conversation Nolee lifted herself back up. She bit her lip as she tried to control the knotting in her stomach. She swiftly turned on her heels to exit the bar, quietly wiping the tears that fallen down her cheeks.
____
Nolee was not sure how long she sat on her couch staring at the turned off television. The mens' words had echoed in her mind. Nausea began to build as the more the words played, she began to wonder if the words held merit. With her mind already in a delicate state the words had cut at her, especially when they were already thoughts she had buried deep down. To hear someone else say them out loud broke her.
"Poor stoke got no idea he's throwin' his whole life away."
Her lip began to tremble as her thoughts had shifted to Murphy. She replayed that exhausted look he had in his those captivating eyes back at her apartment. The captivating carefree eyes that were slowly being worn down because of her. Murphy had doted on her constantly and each day he seemed to show her how amazing he was. He had been so patient with her as she tried to fix her life. But was she really worth him wearing himself out like this?
"You really think he'll love someone as weak as you and take care of your child?" Tristan snarled pointing at Murphy on the ground. "He'll realize soon what a burden you'll be and then what darlin?'
Remembering Tristan's words more tears slipped out as it only seemed like it was confirmation of her and the men's' thoughts. The rose colored glasses were lifted and Nolee realized now the gravity of the situation, just how much Murphy really would be giving up all because of her. The traumas, Tristan, and the baby...they were right. She really was nothing more than a burden. And what would happen when Murphy realized that?
More time had seem to pass as she remained in her spot lost in her thoughts. The eventual sound of her door opening broke her out of her trance. A lump in her throat formed already knowing it was Murphy.
"T'ere ye are lass. Roc, Con, and I were waitin' at ta bar for ye, what happened?" Murphy sighed with relief to find her on the couch. Another wince going through her at seeing him worrying over her yet again.
"What's ta matter love?" Murphy asked concerned noticing her silence. Biting her lip and closing her eyes for a brief second, she inhaled a deep breath before slowly raising her read to meet his eyes, an ache in her heart.
"Murphy...we need to talk."