Risk It All

"Did somethin' happen?" Murphy questioned concerned while Nolee fumbled with her fingers.

"P-please just sit down." she replied softly as Murphy raised an eyebrow at her but obeyed and sat down on the other side of the couch.

"Nolee what's goin on' ye startin' ta make me nervous." he questioned as she tried to gather the courage to speak.

"Murphy...I don't think I can do this anymore." she whispered.

"Do what love?"

"Be with you..." her lips trembled with the confession. There had been a flicker of confusion in the Irishman's blue eyes while his eyebrows had furrowed.

"Nolee are ye havin' a flashback right now-" his voice began in confusion causing her to exhale a breath.

"I'm being for real this time Murphy...I can't do this anymore." she painfully whispered once more watching the confusion turn to shock.

"Why?" was all he could muster in response.

"Because I can't keep making you rearrange your life for me. I didn't realize how unfair this was to you...and I don't want to be a burden to you anymore."

"What are ye talkin' about Nolee, ye are not a burden ta me." Murphy questioned squinting his eyes in response.

"The more we've gotten to know each other....the more I've realized how amazing you are Murphy. There's so much you're capable of and I realize now...I'm only going to hold you back." she reasoned shakily.

"Hold me back? Ye not holdin' me back, I'm here because I want ta be, ye know t'at." Murphy replied astonished.

"I do know that and that's why I won't let you be." Nolee whispered as her tears had betrayed her. "I told you before I'm complicated. I have so much to work out...and I'm only dragging you down because of it. I see how tired you are Murphy, I see how exhausting it is to handle me and I'm so sorry. I can't keep doing this to you, I refuse to."

"I seriously can't believe ye really doin' this right now. After everythin' we've gone through, ye really tellin' me this?" Murphy gasped in shock.

"Exactly my point. Everything that's happened, it was exactly what I was terrified of. I never wanted you to have to be involved with Tristan. I didn't...I didn't know I would fall for you this much when I met you. You don't deserve to have to be tied down by me, especially with a baby that isn't even yours-"

"Oh not t'at shit again Nolee, I told ye I don't fuckin' care ye pregnant with someone else's child damn it! What else do I gotta ta prove ta ye I want ta be with you?" Murphy shouted in frustration as she could only sit and look down at her shaking hands avoiding eye contact.

"I'm sorry Murphy...but I made up my mind."

"So t'ats it then? Ye just get ta make ta decision and I get no say, just fuck how I feel?" Murphy questioned while shaking his head. "Christ Nolee, why can't ye see t'at I'm fuckin' in love with ye?" Murphy whispered exasperated. The hypnotizing blue eyes had once again filled up with hurt and knowing she was the one to cause him pain had destroyed her inside.

"I won't let you be..." she firmly replied slowly shaking her head. "I'm sorry." the final response had made Murphy only stare at her devastated and Nolee hated herself for that. Getting up from the couch and adjusting his coat he exhaled a deep breath.

"Just remember ye ta one who chose t'is." Murphy had told her coldly before getting up without another word to her as she watched him walk out her door slamming it behind him. As soon as he had left the little composure she held had faulted, she could only put a hand to her mouth to muffle her sobs before collapsing on the couch.

The only good thing in her life the past couple months was now gone and she had no one to blame but herself. A part of her had desperately wanted to chase after him and change her mind. But the other half had stubbornly made her remain on the couch. Deep down she knew it was better this way. Murphy was better off being able to live his life without her burdens. Her world was too complicated for someone as beautiful as Murphy MacManus. And someone as beautiful as Murphy deserved to be happy...even if that didn't include her.

Nolee had managed to calm herself despite the heavy lump burning in her throat. Slowly peeling herself off the couch she walked to her phone and shakily pushed in the familiar numbers.

"Kira? Can you please come over...I need you."

_________

"You did what?!" Kira gasped speechless as she stared at the smaller girl. "Why Nolee?" was all Kira could ask as Nolee had explained her what happened at the bar and how she overhead the men talking about Murphy. How their words had affected her and the more she thought about Murphy, the more she began to realize they were right.

"He deserves better Kira. He deserves someone without baggage and complications like I have. I'll only weigh him down."

"Murphy is crazy over you Nolee, he doesn't care about your baggage."

"Maybe not now, but what's going to happen a couple months now when there's a screaming newborn in the middle of the night`? What if he realizes what a mistake he made and wasted his time with me? I don't want to be responsible for tying him down Kira...he's too good for that. I don't know how I couldn't see this before."

"Nolee I love you, but you have to got stop thinking you're not good enough for anyone, especially Murphy. You can't keep coming up with reasons to push away good things that come into your life because of what happened. You deserve clarity too."

"You don't understand Kira..." Nolee whispered helplessly although she knew her best friend had been right. Why did she have the urge to push away any good thing coming her way? Maybe it had been the notion that any good thing always seemed to be taken away from her. Maybe it was the notion of realizing she had become attached to Murphy, that it was better for her to end things before he did. Because she wasn't sure if she could take it if he had.

"I don't want to push him away, but those guys...they're right. Getting to know Murphy in the short time we have, I realized he has so much potential to give to this world, so much good to spread. I can't let him give up his life for me it wouldn't be right."

"You're not thinking this all the way through Nolee." Kira whispered in admission to her best friend. "Murphy loves you, don't ruin what you have with him and push him away." the taller girl lightly warned as Nolee could only look down at her hands.

"It's for best the Kira, trust me. Murphy is better off without me."

_____

In the morning when Nolee's alarm had begun to blare she let out a groan slapping it off. Slowly sitting up from her bed she looked around the room and sighed. The eerie silence of her apartment had been noticeable as she got up. The strange sense of deja vu coming to mind as she began her normal routine just as she done months ago, alone.

Her mind did its best to not think about Murphy as she got ready for the day. Ignoring the urge to curl up in a ball and hide in her apartment like usual, Nolee knew she needed to get on with her life just as she had when she came here, on her own. She could wallow all she wanted but there was no getting passed the fact that life would go on even if she didn't want to, including Murphy.

The strange sense of getting used to doing everything on her own again had become foreign but Nolee had no choice but to get reacquainted with it. Back at square one all over again, but this time there was nothing tying her back to Phoenix. All she had to focus on was the fact that the baby would now be due in a matter of weeks and her concern should be only that.

The lump in her throat remained as she fixed her breakfast, ignoring the ache that still throbbed in her heart as she knew Murphy wouldn't be there at her door this morning. As much as the guilt had consumed her she had forced herself to block it out. She couldn't dwell on him any longer, she had made her decision and she would need to live with it. Murphy would be where he needed to be and maybe one day she would be to.

Nolee had just prayed that eventually in time Murphy could forgive her.