Risk It All

*Murphy's POV from that night*

"One thing ye always seem ta need is some rope. Never know what ye gonna need it for, ye just do. Hmm...perhaps I should get me some." Connor whispered aloud to himself as his light eyes were fixated on the television that played his western movie. His thoughts were interrupted by the sound of the apartment door slamming open making him startled.

"Ta fuck is ye problem?" he questioned when he saw his twin stomp through. A storm was brewing inside the darker haired male that automatically put his brother on alert.

"I don't want ta fuckin' talk about it." Murphy grimly replied as he only walked to their kitchen table and searched for his wallet. When he found it he slid it into his jean pocket and turned back to his brother.

"Don't bother waitin' up for me." was all he had told him.

"Murph what's wrong-"

"I said don't fuckin' wait up for me." Murphy snapped once more before heading back out the apartment as Connor only furrowed his eyebrows in confusion.

"Ta hell is his fuckin' problem now?" he whispered to himself with a sigh. A strange sensation had flowed through his veins making Connor uneasy. It had been a long time since he felt this way and his eyes could only stare at the apartment door. He had felt this way the night Murphy went to check on Nolee, the only time he had felt this misplaced was when his brother was in trouble. Now that feeling seemed to be even stronger making him nervous. Something was wrong, very wrong.

Murphy slammed himself down on the cold metal bench with a huff. Reaching into his coat pocket for his cigarettes and lighter his fingers hastily lit a single stick up. Taking a long drag of the cigarette he followed it up with the brown paper bag wrapped bottle of liquor. Murphy relished the smoke hitting his lungs, the feeling almost foreign to him for he had cut back on them. Exhaling a satisfied breath his eyes had wandered up to the dark night sky.

His mind was racing and the frustration flowed in his veins largely, he attempted to keep it at bay, but it was getting harder each passing minute. Gritting his teeth as his mind had betrayed him solely thinking about her. The frustration of how she could make him feel this way when no one had ever made him feel it before. The unfamiliar ache in his heart left him stunned as he tried understand the loss he was feeling.

Murphy's breath became shaky as he recalled the only time he felt remotely this hopeless was when their Ma gotten unexpectedly ill. The remembering of the fear Connor and him had felt watching their usually independent and powerful Irish blooded mother slowly getting weaker. At first it had been only minimal things that didn't seem too bad, until suddenly it did. The doctors had been stumped as to what was attacking their mother and the young brothers had only clung to each other for support. For the first time in their young lives they began to fear they would lose their mother. The most important woman of their lives, how would they survive without her? Murphy's face dropped as he recalled the many times Connor had spent the night consoling him after they had taken care of their mother. For Murphy did not know how to deal with what was happening. Their mother had miraculously recovered thankfully, yet the feeling was so eerily similar in this moment...why?

Murphy took another long drag as the past couple months flashed through his mind. How unexpectedly his life changed, yet it was for a good reason it seemed. How unexpectedly the world seemed brighter to him each day that followed. Now...it felt cloudy again.

Another exhale of frustration had left lips as he desperately tried to figure out what was happening now in this moment. His hand tightly clenched into a fist as he could feel his eyes betraying him with angry tears building up in the corner of his eyes.

"So t'is be ta place ye go when ye in a mood?" Connor's voice has appeared from beside him as Murphy exhaled another deep breath and quickly blinked the tears away.

"Ye followed me here?" Murphy replied begrudgingly keeping his gaze on his cigarette.

"Of course I fuckin' followed ye. Figured I should after ye stormed out ta way ye did. Ta my surprise I found ye here." Connor replied curiously as he observed the scenery of the Rose Kennedy Greenway.

"Well I only spent me whole fuckin' life with ye, my apologies if I need a space of my own ta think once in a while." Murphy retorted as Connor rolled his eyes.

"T'ats pretty impossible when we're twins ye fuckin' idiot. Ye seem ta somehow always forget I can sense everythin' ye do, not like I'm happy about it, but t'ats beside ta point." Connor snapped back as he joined the darker haired male on the bench. "Now ye gonna tell me what's wrong, or am I gonna have ta beat it out of ye?" Connor questioned in annoyance but deep down there was some truth to his claim. Murphy felt his stomach churn as he briefly looked out his peripherals at Connor.

"She broke up with me Con."

"What? Why?" Connor whispered in shock as Murphy only scoffed.

"She says she feels like she's nothin' but a burden ta me. After everythin' t'ats happened she seems ta think she's holdin' me back or some shit like that." Murphy lamented. "I don't understand."

"Maybe Nolee's tryin' ta cope with everythin' and it's making her think things t'at aren't true. Maybe she's dealing with a lot of guilt Murph." Connor suggested lightly as Murphy shook his head.

"She seemed pretty fuckin' sure about her decision." he replied glumly before standing up. "Jesus fuckin' christ t'at girl, she's so goddamn stubborn!" he shouted in further frustration as he chucked the glass bottle of liquor into the trash can. Connor slightly wincing as he could hear the glass shatter inside the metal can.

"Murph ye gotta calm down."

"What happened wasn't her fault, why can't she see t'at? I'm tryin' me best ta help her in every way possible, but how can I do t'at if she still tries to push me away?"

"Nolee's instinct has always been ta protect herself. She's known nothin' but fight or flight, and she usually chooses flight. T'at night with Tristan she finally chose ta fight, she's tryin' ta deal with t'at. She killed ta man, it's not in her nature ta hurt someone, so it's probably messin' with her." Connor reasoned to his twin as he only sat back down the bench running a hand through his dark hair in exhaustion.

"Maybe ye need ta give her some space Murph."

"And if I do and she decides ta stick with her decision, then what?" Murphy questioned worriedly while Connor inhaled a deep breath of his own.

"I don't know brudder." Connor answered with a shrug. "All ye can do is give her some time."

"I don't know why I get this stupid fuckin' feelin' like...like I don't think I can be without her Connor." Murphy had whispered painfully as the other Irishman's eyes had slightly widened at Murphy's admission never hearing the words out his mouth before. Connor sat on the bench for a moment unsure of what to say but ultimately gave a nod of understanding.

"I know Murphy." he had only whispered back while both the brothers had looked on the greenway in mutual silence.

"Come on, I think it's best if we get ye home." Connor suggested after a while of the other irishman

sulking.

"For once just leave me be for a while alright?" Murphy had protested of course and Connor rolled his eyes as the feeling of deja vu hitting him. So many times Murphy had told him that when they were younger and Murphy had spent the evening sulking down at the creek by their house.

"Not a chance ta way ye emotions are right now. Get ye ass up." Connor demanded also the same way he had many times before, hearing a grunt from his twin in dismay naturally, but ultimately obeying. Murphy stomped out his cigarette before adjusting his coat while Connor gave a small smile of sympathy, wrapping an arm around his twin.

"I think it's time ye gave Ma a call."

_____

The next few days had see to come and go in a blink of an eye. Things had almost seem to go back to normal for Nolee as she continued to do her work at Cosmo's, almost normal had it not been for her burying the heartache inside the best she could. Having not seen or heard from Murphy this long had messed with her greatly as she now had gone back to walking to and from work alone again. There had been no calls or messages either, not that she expected there to be any. Sleeping by herself had been a challenge as the dreams remained, but she felt slightly hopeful that the dreams hadn't been about Murphy anymore at least.

"I can feel you burning a hole into my back like a kid holding a magnifying glass to an ant hill." she told Kira knowingly as she cleaned up the pile of scone crumbs the previous customer had been so kind to leave her, feeling Kira's presence behind her.

"I still think you're making a mistake..." Kira replied lowly as the smaller girl closed her eyes for a moment but continued to concentrate on the crumbs.

"I told you to please drop it Kira."

"I can't drop it!" Kira sighed in sadness. "I don't want see you both apart...it doesn't feel right." Kira admitted. There was a small feeling of agreement on Nolee's part just barely.

"Don't worry...he'll forget about me soon enough."

With that notion in mind Nolee had attempted to concentrate on finally having to attend childbirth classes, having put them off long enough. The idea of her birth coming around so soon had put her on edge but hopefully the classes would help...maybe. At least Kira had offered to go to classes with her and while Nolee agreed, she feared the taller girl would most likely say or do something embarrassing. Either way the countdown was officially beginning and whenever the mysterious life in her stomach decided to reveal herself, only time will tell.

"You better not be overdue." she sighed to her stomach feeling the full effects of third trimester. The silver lining of not having to deal with all the hormones anymore was just in her reach. But for now, she'd have to settle with her nightly ritual of soaking her feet in warm water.

"Maybe I should sign us for those mommy and me classes after all seeing as it'll be just you and...Connor?" Nolee whispered nervously when she spotted the spiky haired Irishman waiting by her door. "What are you doing here...?"

"Why." Connor replied curtly as he stared at her. "How could you do t'at to him? To us?" he questioned softly as the small girl looked down at her feet.

"There's a lot you wouldn't understand Connor..."

"Ye right, t'ere is a lot of things I wouldn't understand. But what I do understand is that these last couple months I watched me brother go from semi okay with his life ta not one damn complaint. I don't think I've ever seen Murphy smile as much as he has either. We were havin' some really good times, and ye just gonna bail on us like t'is?"

"Connor please understand I'm not trying to hurt you both on purpose, I'm really not." Nolee whispered guiltily.

"Look Nolee, I know ye have gone through some bad shit and I'm so sorry for t'at, I am. I know the guilt must be hard ta handle right now, but ye need ta let it go. Don't let it warp ye mind and make ye lose sight of ta good t'ings in ye life right now, especially Murphy. Don't hurt him like t'is." Connor replied gently.

"It's not just that Connor..." Nolee sighed as she closed her eyes. "When I was going to meet you guys at McGinty's I had gotten there before you had. But when I got there I heard the guys at the bar talking...they were talking about Murphy. They said Murphy was an idiot to be with someone who wasn't even having his kid, and that he was only throwing his life away being with me. That Murphy has so much potential and the more I am around Murphy...I see that potential. Murphy could do so many great things for this world and I...all I can offer him is a list of problems. Don't you think your brother deserves better than that? I never wanted him to get caught up in my past...and I was crazy to think it could ever work between us." Nolee admitted as the Irishman stared at her briefly before shaking his head.

"I get where ye comin' from lass...but I'm really disappointed in ye." Connor whispered sadly before turning on his heel and walking off without another word. Nolee could only watch the back of him until he was no longer in sight. The Irishman's words had cut her deeply and all Nolee could do was hang her head in shame.