Risk It All

"You know...this is way more awkward than I thought it would be." Nolee whispered as she found herself on all fours while Kira straddled her in what was supposed to be a supportive partner labor pose. Labor class had not been what Nolee expected to say the least...especially with Kira present.

"Really? Cause I'm having a fun time." Kira smirked as Nolee rolled her eyes.

"Of course you are."

"Now stop being distracting, you're supposed to be practicing your breathing." Kira scolded. "I'm your focal point remember?"

"You're my pain in the ass too." Nolee retorted with a small smirk.

"I love you too sweetie, you're doing amazing."

"Shut up."

Beforehand the class had consisted of informing the expectant mothers of how the birth process starts once the water breaks.

"What if your water breaks at Cosmo's and all the customers are suddenly forced into a game of slip and slide?" Kira gasped making the labor coach and other expectant couples look at them.

"Kira I swear to god." Nolee whispered warningly although trying to contain the small giggle that wanted to escape.

"Sorry, I shouldn't make you laugh now huh? The baby's just gonna shoot out at this point."

"Stop. It."

"Umm as I was saying class, evening primrose oil is also commonly used within the last few weeks of pregnancy. This special oil contains prostaglandins which are known to help ripen the cervix. The softening of the cervix makes for easier dilation and effacement once the labour process begins. Evening primrose oil capsules can be taken orally or inserted vaginally. Many women do both. It can also be used to massage the perineal area if you want to help your partner out." the labor coach smiled as both girls looked each other.

"Did she just say..."

"I think so..."

"Yeah no...I'm not rubbing oil on your vagina sorry. I'll spray some Pam down there for you and call it a day."

____

"Well...that was informative." Kira shrugged when they had exited the class.

"It's official I'm asking for the maximum amount of drugs allowed when I give birth." Nolee sighed feeling overwhelmed at all the female anatomy details she just had to absorb, questioning if she could really pull through childbirth at all.

"Now now, using drugs for your own selfish comfort is wrong Miss Wade." Kira teased wagging her index finger. "When do you think she'll come anyways?"

"I have no idea. I'm just hoping it's on my day off." Nolee replied worriedly.

"Really? Cause I'm hoping it's at work, I'd love to see Cosmo's face when you deliver on the coffee shop floor." Kira grinned sardonically.

"You're supposed to be encouraging remember?"

"I am encouraging. I'm encouraging you to scare the shit out of our boss." Kira reasoned as if her suggestion was honestly valid.

"I'm NOT delivering on the coffee shop floor...if I can help it." Nolee replied nervously as her eyes flickered, trying not to bring the scenario into existence.

"Well I guess we'll have to wait and see when little miss decides to arrive. You better stay put until your due date nugget." Kira warned lightly poking Nolee's stomach.

"Can we just go get food now, I'm starving." Nolee pleaded as Kira awkwardly bit her lip.

"Umm...I was actually going to meet Connor in a few." she replied rubbing the side of her neck.

"Oh..." Nolee whispered as she looked at the ground suddenly remembering their previous conversation. Connor's words had still cut at her and she tried her to best not think about the fact that both Irishmen hated her right now. She also tried her hardest to not wonder what Murphy had been doing at this moment.

"Maybe you should just call-"

"I'm not ready." Nolee interjected softly feeling it was best if she gave the brothers more time to cool off.

"Fine." Kira sighed in defeat about the situation once more, not wanting to agitate the pregnant girl now she was so close to giving birth. "Do you need me to walk you home?"

"No, you go ahead and meet up with Connor. I'll see you tomorrow, thanks for coming with me today." Nolee gave a slight smile as the girls exchanged a hug.

"Of course. See you tomorrow." Kira smiled before giving a wave and both girls had went in different directions. Nolee sighed as she had yet again walked back to her apartment alone allowing her thoughts to wander. Stopping at the local deli to quench her fresh fruit craving just before home, her eyes couldn't help but wander to the couple across the street from her. Her face slightly falling at the couple holding hands and both smiling happily, the woman with a bump as well.

Kira had distracted Nolee during the class enough to not focus on the other expecting couples around her and how supportive the partners had been. Now that there was no distraction a pang throbbed in her chest trying not to think about what it would've been like if Murphy had been there with her instead. Quickly turning her head away from the couple and continuing her way home, Nolee slowly ate her fruit. When she reached her apartment door she couldn't find the energy to open it. She only stood there staring at the rusty brown color, Connor's last words repeating in her mind.

She had done a well enough job blocking out her feelings since Murphy walked out the door but her facade was slowly slipping each day that past. The desire to call him had grown stronger and it would be a fucking lie to say she hadn't wished he'd be waiting at her doorstep for her. Tears burned the corners of her eyelids imagining how much he must've hated her right now.

'It's for the best remember? Murphy needs to be happy, without you.' had been her mantra ever since.

"Nolee, is that you sugar?" a familiar soft voice appeared as the small girl turned her head to the culprit. Her brown eyes widened in surprise at the familiar gray haired woman.

"Alice?" she replied in shock. "You...you've lived here the entire time?" she questioned confused upon discovering Murphy and Connor's beloved waitress Alice being halfway to opening the apartment door across from her, still in her waitress uniform.

"Well I'd surely hope so, if not I've been paying rent to the wrong place all this time." Alice joked.

"I just...how come I've never see you?" Nolee questioned still confused as the elder woman shrugged.

"Well I do practically live at the diner, only come back here to sleep it seems. Most people never see me either, I'm like a mystery here. So don't go spoiling it for the other residents." Alice teased once more making Nolee giggle slightly despite her tear stained face.

"Now what's gotcha all worked up that you're crying in the hallway sugar?" Alice questioned with concern this time.

"It's nothing Alice, I don't want to pester you with my problems." Nolee assured.

"Well I'll tell ya something Nolee, I've been waitressing since I was 14 and you would be surprised how many people have opened up to me about their secrets. I guess there's something comforting about a frumpy old gal like myself, I'm willing to bet there's not much out there I've haven't been heard or been told. This hair ain't gray for no reason, a lot of wisdom made it that way." Alice assured opening her door. "Why don't you come inside for some tea?"

"Umm...okay..." Nolee replied meekly not wanting to offender the elder woman and carefully walked in the apartment. Nolee had instantly felt nostalgia spread through her as the various antique knick knacks radiated a comforting feeling, especially the smell.

"Sit down sugar, it's okay." Alice smiled pointing at the vintage pattern couch. Nolee slowly sat down on it as Alice made her way to the kitchen and prepared some tea. Nolee's eyes couldn't help but wander at the many photographs around the apartment with a young man in particular. She raised her eyebrow in curiosity at his military uniform.

"Here you go sweetie. You like one lump or two?" Alice asked gently referring to the sugar cubes on the tray she had set down.

"Just one please." Nolee smiled politely as Alice dropped a cube into her tea before handing it to her. There was something kind and welcoming about the woman as Nolee studied her a little more carefully.

"So, what's troubling you dear?" was all it took from the elder woman to make Nolee pour her heart out. She explained to Alice her origins and what brought her to Boston followed by the unexpected relationship that became between Murphy and her after their first kiss at McGinty's. How Murphy had changed her whole life in a good way even when she told him the truth about her abuse, up until Tristan had found her.

"Is that why there was so many cops here? That was because of you?" Alice gasped as Nolee nodded her head slowly.

"Oh sweetheart I'm sorry. You been through hell and back it seems." Alice sighed putting a hand to her heart. Nolee continued on with how things were when she left the hospital until the day she walked into the bar hearing the men mention Murphy. How their words had made Nolee reconsider her decision to be with Murphy, fearing they had been right about her. All the drama she unintentionally brought with her and how she didn't want Murphy to have to sacrifice his own happiness to take care of her.

"I'm scared if he continues to spend his time worrying about me all the time, he'll eventually get sick of it. I don't want him to resent me somehow."

"Oh sugar." Alice sighed as she put her cup down. "I'm sorry but I'm afraid I need to set ya straight. You are allowing your trauma to control you. Even though you temporarily were able to let some walls down when Murphy came into the picture you're letting them build back up after more trauma happened. You're pushing away the good things you have left because it's better you do it before they do it to you am I right?" Alice questioned as Nolee look down embarrassed.

"Now sweetheart I'm sorry but you cannot let others' opinions influence your relationship or use that as a cop out. What Murphy and you do is your own damn business. There will always be someone that has something negative to say, but you have to say screw them. Only you two know what's best for you, no one else. Now Murphy...let me tell you something Nolee there's not a lot of men out there like him or his brother. It sounds like he really loves you and is willing to put up with whatever you throw at him because he loves you that damn much. You may think you're holding him back, but really you're only holding yourself back sugar. You gotta give up that fear of being a burden, I'm more than sure Murphy knows by now what he got himself into, I don't think he'll end up resenting you."

"You don't think it's selfish of me to make him take on a child that isn't his?"

"Nolee there is no perfect setting for love sometimes, it can come out of the most unexpected situations. But in my experience good love, the kind of love that changes your whole life only comes around once in a while. If you're lucky enough to find that love...hold on to it as tight as you can. Don't say things you'll regret later on...you may not ever get the chance to make it right again." Alice whispered sadly as Nolee watched the elder woman's eyes shift to the photographs on the wall.

"The pictures of the man...is he your husband?" Nolee asked gently.

"Yes Nolee. My husband Joe and I met when we're 18 at the diner. He had been in the military and gotten stationed here in Boston. He'd come in the diner often and every time I saw him, I'd turn into a clumsy mess, I was dropping cups left and right it was something bad every time I was around him. His smile was the most breathtaking smile I had ever seen, and when he came in he would always smile at me. The more he came in the more I was smitten with him until one day I got very lucky that man wanted to take me on a date. Call me crazy but I knew as soon as I first kissed him, I was gonna marry him. He gave the most magical feeling of being around him, I couldn't believe a simple girl like me got to experience something so incredible. We were young and dumb, but very much in love." Alice explained as Nolee listened intently watching the woman smile as she reminisced.

"Joe eventually got deployed to war and my world was broken for a while, but I waited for him. I waited every day praying he'd make it home to me. Ironically that wasn't even the hardest part of our relationship."

"What happened?" Nolee whispered.

"When Joe was lucky enough to return home to me...we decided we wanted to get married and start a family. Joe had said how being deployed made him realize how short time could be, he didn't want to waste anymore of it. So we got married and we did start trying for children but unfortunately that hadn't been easy for us. Every attempt had ended in a miscarriage. For whatever reason God decided to not bless me with children, turns out I had some type of auto-immune issue. So that had caused a lot of strain between Joe and I. I was trying to cope with my anger and guilt, I was mad at the world and mainly myself, for I felt ashamed I couldn't even do what women are supposed to do. Even though Joe had been understanding, I could see the pain in his eyes, that made me feel worse. I let my grief get the best of me and I unfairly took it out on Joe. We started arguing a lot and even though I know I had no right to be angry at him, I couldn't help myself. But one day the argument had gotten so bad and I realized how much Joe had been hurting, not just me. He said some hurtful things so I said more hurtful things back...and I demanded he leave. I just wish I had known that when he left...that would be the very last time I'd ever see him again." Alice whispered as her eyes had closed momentarily while Nolee looked on worriedly.

"When Joe left that afternoon he ended up being in a car accident. Another car had ran a red light and hit him head on...killing him instantly. I can still remember how I felt when that officer had showed up at my doorstep."

"Alice...I'm so sorry..." Nolee whispered once more unable to find the words.

"If I could go back, I wouldn't never said what I said, I'd give anything to be able to tell Joe how much I love him just one more time. The only comfort I have is that he didn't suffer much. Don't let your grief and guilt overtake you like I did, it will rob you of everything if you let it Nolee." Alice explained gently while the smaller girl inhaled a deep breath as she listened to the elder woman's words.

"Everything you have gone through has shaped you into the person you were meant to be. Life has brought you here for a reason my dear. Tell me Nolee, do you love Murphy?" Alice asked as the question had made Nolee freeze. The question had put her on the spot and she began to think about Murphy. The part of her that been in denial was faltering, her chest tightened as she felt tears start up again.

"Yes...I do..." Nolee admitted while Alice had reached out to clasp the small girl's hand.

"Then tell him Nolee, don't waste anymore time. Don't let yourself get consumed with your grief, let your past go and let Murphy help you do it. Don't make the same mistake I did, do it now before it's too late."

"I don't know if I can." Nolee whimpered.

"You have made it this far Nolee, you most definitely can. You are a lot stronger than you realize my dear, no matter what your mind tries to tell you are so very brave. Your daughter is very lucky to have a strong mother like you, and I have no doubt in my mind Murphy will also love that little girl just as much as he loves you. Go be with him Nolee, and be happy." Alice told her firmly while Nolee trembled and softly threw her arms around the woman. A sense of clarity seeing to wash over her body.

"Thank you Alice." she whispered gratefully while she felt the elder woman's hands caress her hair.

"Don't let others keep you from living your life. Always listen to your heart."