Postcard Burnt in Flames

“I am not going in there!” I muttered as I turned my head back and forth in a swift no.
My black hat with the pom-pom on top felt more ridiculous now. Surely it was necessary to dress warm, but in my effort to look “chic” – I had donned an entire black outfit – I had missed the addition of any colors as my cousin’s outfit was the complete opposite of mine.

“Did you think I was just leading our brigade north for no reason?”

Her question was edged with exasperation, so I sighed in defeat and took a step closer to the door of the small shop. We had been walking for almost twenty minutes since the Cathedral in an eerily straight line north. I had no notion our fast pace was to get to a sex shop, but then again considering who I was with, it made sense. Kay glanced at me and waved her hands forward.

“I am most certainly not going in there alone, I am not a prude -but what do I need from a sex shop?” I asked her suspiciously. In my mind I couldn’t help but wonder if the “wild night” I had drunkenly asked for on the flight was coming back to rear its head.

“Do I really need to dot the i’s and cross the t’s for you?” she asked. Her lavender jeans emphasized her curves and her white turtleneck went stylishly with her white faux fur coat. She was definitely referencing the request I had made on the plane and she was delivering on it. Not that I could blame her, I had practically pleaded for this- just not in the context she was thinking.
She took in my appearance and shook her head.

“What?” I asked.

“You don’t look terrible J, but you could have used some color-even a pop of it.”

I had wanted to dress stylishly and I figured an all-black ensemble was the way to go. Helsinki was the last stop of our two-week European adventure. For the most part, I had worn muted and neutral colors. She had worn anything but. As she had put it, I was the night-sky and she was the neon sign.

“Let’s just get this over with,” I said with gritted teeth. Some passersby had noticed our delayed approach to the shop and my embarrassment was increasing. It’s not that I hadn’t been in a sex shop but I had no idea what kind of debauchery this would turn into. My request for a “wild night” had been merely to do with getting drunk and cavorting around the city before we returned to the reality of work and home.

The shop was smaller than I imagined and very crowded with items hanging from the walls to the ceilings. A bright pink dildo package hanging from a thread on the ceiling almost whacked me in the head as I stepped further inside. There had been a few other customers in the shop who seemed quite taken with the shop owner, but my view was blinded by all of the sex paraphernalia. There were outfits, toys, lubricants, whips, and all assortments to suit your devious needs. Feeling completely out of my element, I wanted to get out of there as fast as possible.

“What are we meant to -?” I asked Kay over my shoulder except she wasn’t there. Of course, she wasn’t. Maybe she was testing me, to see if I would purchase anything. “What is the safest thing I can buy in a sex shop?” I asked myself. My eyes roamed over the wall in front of me, until I saw the condoms by the cashier. Bingo!

The customers from before were now exiting and I had to step aside to let them pass. I noticed their bright smiles and wondered what they had bought. Were condoms even exciting? Kay would probably roll her eyes at a predictable choice. It was getting dark and my frustration was peaking. She hadn’t even joined me inside and was probably smoking. I could go for a cigarette, even though I was trying to ditch the bad habit. Getting nowhere, I decided to put the kibosh on the whole thing.

“Can I help you?” a mild-mannered voice asked from behind me. Startled and feeling like my delayed choice might be suspicious, my hands reached for the first item – the pink dildo that had whacked me in the head earlier. The voice belonged to a man in a checkered long-sleeve flannel with a vest over the top. His voice was not as deep as his son’s but it carried the same air of melody. Kari Valo looked like he belonged in a fishing magazine, not running a sex store.
Of course I knew he ran a sex store, but did I know which one or where? No. Coming to Helsinki certainly had nothing to do with it either.

Kari looked at the dildo I was holding. My face was flushed with the brightest red. “I’d like to buy this,” I said not meeting his stare. He only smiled and motioned for me to follow him to the cashier. It was only as I got closer that I started to notice all of the HIM memorabilia. I heard the door open from behind me and footsteps came to rest by my side. Kari had been placing my purchase in a bag.

“I don’t know what’s brighter pink, your face or that dildo?” Kay asked with a laugh. I noticed Kari was trying to not laugh as well. She reached her hand into the condoms tub and placed some on the counter. He added them to the bag.

“We’ve got a wild night planned,” she said as Kari smiled, completely unfazed. He finished ringing up the purchase before asking if we wanted an autograph. Kay didn’t miss a beat.

“Do you sign dildos?” she asked. I hated her. She had the raunchiest attitude but because she was so sincere, she got away with it.

“Of course,” Kari said as he spoke the English a bit slowly. He had beautiful hand-writing, it was a shame it was on a dildo. “Who should I make this out to?”

“For Kay on the dildo and for her, J on this,” Kay said reaching into her purse. She pulled out an envelope that had white thick paper inside. Kari signed the dildo while Kay cracked some jokes. She was really making him laugh. He looked at me. “So which one of you is the HIM fan?” he asked.

“Oh me. BIG FAN,” Kay exaggerated as she slid the white paper forward for him to sign next.
Kari started asking her some questions on which songs she liked best or album. “Oh you know, they’re all my favorite. Which ones do you like?” He answered her questions as he signed the paper and wrote a longer note in Finnish.

“You’re quiet,” Kay said nudging me.
“Not every day, you’re getting an autographed dildo by Kari Valo,” I said with a nervous laugh as Kari laughed too.

“You both have very beautiful smiles,” he said as he shook our hands. He wished us a goodnight and safe trip.

Once we were out of earshot and near the door, I couldn’t hold my tongue any longer.
“What the hell was that?” I asked.

“I thought I’d take you on a HIM trip,” she said laughing as she held up the bag. “Did you not know his father had a sex shop?”

“Of course I knew!” I said as we reached the door. I pulled it open and someone was standing on the other side, but I was too caught up in our conversation to notice. “I didn’t know that I’d have Kari Valo sign a bright pink dildo in my lifetime.”

Kay stopped walking and turned to me. “You did purchase the dildo, love.” Her grin was turning wicked as she pulled it out of the bag, tossing it to me. We both stared at one and another and erupted into laughter.

“You should have had the condoms signed too!” I said as I reached in the bag to pull them out. We had stalled in the doorway absentmindedly when a cough brought my attention back to my surroundings.

“Oh sorry,” Kay said as she walked through the door in a haste, trying to put the condoms back in the bag but they fell to the floor behind us as we passed to let the other person walk inside. “Shit,” she muttered

“I’ve got it,” I said to her as I turned around quick to scoop up the condoms before the door closed behind me. The stranger had pushed the door back open so I could bend down to retrieve the condoms.

“Have you got everything okay?” he asked as I stood back up.
“More than my hands can juggle,” I said cheekily, starting to relax. The tension of a sex shop evaporating with the hilarity of it all.

It was then that I had fully stood up and was looking into the face that had held the door open. Green eyes piercing my own as I held a pink dildo and a roll of Raspberry flavored condoms in both hands.