Just Don't Panic

The scent and taste of his skin was sinful, almost. Lust overtook all else and it was all she could do not to rip his clothes from his body, limbs getting caught in sleeves and pant legs as they rushed to undress.

‘Taking it slow’ had been the go-to phrase of their relationship. It had been two months and there were no labels yet, no pressure. Well, maybe a little pressure from their mutual friends. Apparently people had been rooting for them to get together for a couple of years now… who knew? Not Tay, anyway. She could be pretty oblivious to this stuff. And she’d never really looked at Jack like that before. It was only after an innocent, sweet kiss goodbye on the cheek turned into a passing look, and then a sweeter kiss on the lips. Jack couldn’t even say what made him do it -- the kiss on the cheek. He had no idea. His body worked faster than his brain and it just seemed to… click. For both of them. They had their first date the next day.

But taking it slow… that was important. Jack had been burned one too many times before. And Tay? Well. She had one boyfriend all through high school and then for two years after that. She’d been single ever since.

It wasn’t that she didn’t want to date, it was just that… well. She didn’t feel as safe with just anyone. But Jack was a sweetheart. Jack was her friend.

Jack was-- was--

Jack was kissing her bare shoulder, breath fanning across her neck.

Hot breath, hotter skin. He was too heavy on top of her, breathing too heavy in her ear. He was breathing so hard and she felt like she could barely take in any air at all.

“I don’t think we should, we’ve only had two dates,” she spoke up, pushing at him.

Just a grunt in response, and she felt her pants coming down.

“No,” she frowned, squirming. No. This happened to other girls. This happened to girls on the news and girls who were friends of friends of friends… this happened to other girls. “Stop. Stop. Can you get up?”

There was a moment of silence, and then a sentence that would chill Tay’s spine until the day she died.

“I don’t want to stop.”

A hand covered her mouth, and she heard his belt unbuckling.

He was so heavy.

Jack was so heavy on top of her now, one hand hurriedly trying to undo her pants.

Just don’t panic. Just don’t panic. That was all she had to do, was not panic.

But it was too late. A sob was working its way up her throat but it caught, wouldn’t come out. Left her feeling breathless all over again. It took a few seconds to realise Jack was looking at her.

“Tay…?”

“Get off me!” she shouted, her voice suddenly making its way back to her. “Get off, get off!”

She didn’t wait for him to move, fight or flight kicking in -- and it was like a mixture of both for Tay. She shoved at him as hard as her trembling arms would let her and stumbled to the other side of the couch, trying to put barriers between them.

Tears streamed down her face, and she slid to the floor, sobbing. She felt panicky and embarrassed and downright ridiculous; deep down, she knew she was safe here. Jack wasn’t that man. Nothing bad had been happening. She’d wanted to, for crying out loud. Yet, it didn’t settle her fear. And now she was in tears on Jack’s livingroom floor. He probably thought she was insane.

“Hey…” he said softly, walking slowly around the couch and crouching down. “Taylor…? Did I-- did I do something? It’s okay, we don’t… I thought you wanted…”

“I did,” she cried. “I do. I-- I’m sorry.”

“Come and sit on the couch,” he offered a hand out to her to help her up, then thought better of it. “Uh. We don’t… I don’t have to touch you. Just come sit on the couch. Here, uh, there’s tissues on the coffee table.”

It was a tense five minutes, calming down, with Jack sitting silently beside her. The panic attack had been… sudden, but quick. Knocked the air from her and then dropped her to the ground like an empty candy wrapper. She eventually put a hand on his knee, letting him know that touch was okay. He responded by rubbing her back.

“I didn’t mean to yell at you,” she mumbled. “It-- something just took over, I panicked.”

“That’s okay,” Jack said quickly, smiling just a little. “Don’t feel bad, I just… I’m confused? Was it me? I should’ve checked in with you, I just thought that’s where things were headed… I’m sorry if it freaked you out.”

Tay laughed a little, dabbing her nose with a mostly sodden tissue. “Well… that was where things were headed, you’re not wrong. It wasn’t you, necessarily. I, um. Jack… I was… I haven’t dated in so long, even casually, because the last time I tried, something bad happened.”

Jack swallowed and nodded, putting an arm around her shoulders. “We don’t have to talk about it if you’re not ready to.”

She was relieved to hear this. She wasn’t sure she could dish out the details so coolly after such a horrible flashback -- something that hadn’t happened to her for months now. Though, the idea of talking about it to him didn’t seem so terrifying.

“I’m not right now,” she decided. “But soon.”

Jack kissed her cheek. “That’s okay. I’m here whenever you’re ready. Is there anything I can do…?”

“I’d appreciate you checking in on me, for future reference,” she smiled softly. “I’m sorry. I wanted to be spontaneous because… well, I wanted you. But I think we might have to take this part slow too.”

“Whenever you’re ready, Tay.”

“How about tomorrow?” she nudged his side. “Over a Jack Daniels and some candles…?”

Jack laughed. “That sounds divine.”

The next day, though, it hadn’t worked out either. She couldn’t relax enough, couldn’t enjoy it. But that was okay. Jack made sure she knew that. He was willing to try as many times as it took, at her pace. Taking it slow was perfectly fine by him, as long as it was with Tay.

And as for her, she didn’t feel that panic again. She was safe with Jack, and she knew that. She also knew it was going to take some time before they could be fully intimate.

But she had someone who was willing to wait, to put in the effort, to make her feel at peace with it.

Taking it slow was going to be worth it.