A Light to Call Home

“The blast occurred just hours ago in this tiny Israeli village on the outskirts of Tel Aviv.”

“Ziva was an unexpected and unfortunate casualty.”
“Vance got a call.”
“Ziva.”
“Are we sure?”

“Come back home Jr. You need to Breathe.”

“I’ll come back home when Trent Cort is dead.”

“Well that’s not true.”
“What are you doing here?”
“What a I doing here what are you doing. What are we doing? Is anybody here?”
“Ah Dinozzo.”
“What do we know? What are the facts because we don’t assume. We verify. DO we know she’s dead because if we know she’s dead we’re gonna get him.”
“Yes she’s dead and we will get Cort. Us. Not you.”
“Oh yes me. We’ve lost agents before haven’t we and when we do it’s all hands on deck!”
“She’s more than an agent to you.”
“She was a daughter to you and a sister to McGee and Abby, she was no more to me than anybody.”

“She’s Ziva’s daughter Tony and your daughter Tony.”
“She didn’t want to disrupt your life anymore than she already had.”
“That was not her decision to make.”
“She knew you wouldn’t be pleased.”
“Then she never knew me at all.”

“You jeopardized your entire career and for what?”
“For you”

“Ziva’s not replaceable”

“That does not matter.”
“So what does?”
“That you had my back. That you have always had my back and that I was wrong to question your motives.”
“So why did you?”
“I trusted my brother Ari. I trusted Michael. I could not afford to trust you.”
“I thought you weren’t sure what to say.”
“I guess I had a long time to think about things.”
“I’m sorry Ziva.”
“No it is I who am sorry

“Do you ever think about soul mates?”

“At Lo Levad “

“Tony you are so…”
“Handsome. Funny. What?”
“Loved.”

“She was my family.”

“This is me Tony. This is who I made of myself, but it’s not who I wanted to be.”
“I know. I know. You wanted to be a ballerina.”

“In that moment I didn’t want Trent Cort dead. All I wanted to do was take care of Tali. Everything in her life that she had was gone except me. I’m everything to that little girl now and I’ve never been anyone’s everything before.”

Tony opened his eyes to moonlight dancing through his window and across his floor. He punched his pillow once in frustration before reaching for the bottle of bourbon he kept by his bed. When the glass was half full he settle the bottle down and drank the liquid in the glass quickly. Two and a half years and the dreams still came every night assaulting him with memories so vivid it was as if he could hear the voices clearly. He had never known pain and loss like this before and he wondered how Gibbs survived losing not just Shannon, but Kelly too. If not for Tali he’d have lost himself in a bottle a long time ago and very possibly put a gun to his head.

His grief was always there simmering just below the surface and most nights the darkness of it threatened to consume him. She’d been his best friend, his partner and there was nobody he ever trusted more. He’d given her his heart and he’d known when he left her in Israel she was the only woman he’d ever love. He glanced back at the bottle still sitting on his night stand.

Every night he found it harder and harder not to get lost in it, to drown away all the pain he was so tired of fighting. It was a losing battle he was done fighting. He grabbed the bottle and carried it to the kitchen sitting it on the counter. He opened the refrigerator and removed the beer and pulled all the alcohol from every nook and cranny in his house and started pouring it down the drain.
When he was finished Tony slipped into his daughter’s room to watch her sleep for just a few minutes. Her brown curls fell across her pillow as she slept peacefully. He wished it was always this way, but even two years later she suffered nightmares from the explosion. He hated those nights when she woke screaming for Ziva.

From the moment he held her he knew he would make sure she had the life he and Ziva never did. He made sure she knew every day that her daddy loved her regardless of the mistakes she made or the talents she had. His love was endless and without strings. He’d made sacrifices and he would make hundreds more to make sure she was happy. He would give her anything to make that happen, but he couldn’t give her Ziva.

“Mr. Dinozzo is everything okay?” Tali’s nanny whispered from outside the door.

“Yes Chaya everything is fine. I am sorry I woke you,” he whispered.

“I heard you in the kitchen. You did not drink all of those did you?” she asked.

“No. I poured them out,” he said his eyes watching the shadows that danced around his daughter’s night light. “I don’t think it is safe for me to have in the house anymore,” he admitted to the woman.

“Better for it to go then. Would you like me to make you a cup of tea?” she asked kindly.

“Thank you Chaya, but no. You go back to bed. It’s late and Tali is too much like her mother, up at the crack of dawn,” he said quietly before pressing a kiss to his daughter’s head before slipping out of her room and closing the door.

Chaya headed back to her own room while Tony grabbed a pillow and blanket and headed for the living room. Charlie, the red merle australian shepherd he bought to grow up with his daughter was curled up on the couch. When he’d first brought the eight week old puppy home almost six months ago he’d tried to keep him off the furniture. He had tried to make him an outside dog, but the critter had wrapped himself as tightly around his finger as Tali. He was intelligent and funny with an infectious personality his daughter loved. The first few months he thought he was going to pull his hair out, but eventually the dog settled into their little family.

“Get down you goof,” he commanded the dog affectionately. The dog jumped off the couch stretching his front legs with a yawn. Tony dropped his pillow on the couch and laid down. Charlie walked over and curled up on floor beside him and Tony dropped his hand onto the dogs head and rubbing his ears. Charlie sighed contently and Tony drifted off soothed by the animal’s presence.