Flucht

There was a bitterness in the air that belied the usually mild Berlin autumn. Ruedi Schmidt shivered in spite of himself before wrapping his arms a little closer to his torso. It was a beautiful night despite the cold – the stormy grey clouds from earlier in the evening had departed and the moon now shone with the intensity of a thousand suns, bathing the pavement in a milky-white light. The bustle of the day had long faded from the city streets, and Ruedi finally found himself entirely alone with the man accompanying him for the evening. Felix Müller, a friend of a friend’s friend and absolutely perfect for Ruedi, if the friend’s friend was to be trusted. From the very second Ruedi had begrudgingly agreed to the blind date, he had lowered his expectations to almost nothing. He certainly hadn’t expected to enjoy the company of the tall, clean-shaven man who had wolfed down his plate of sauerbraten with an enthusiasm that Ruedi had found oddly endearing.

As a bitter breeze ghosted across the nape of Ruedi’s neck, he shivered again. Felix noticed this time, slowing to a stall and facing Ruedi with a half-smile painted across his face.

“Nervous?” he asks teasingly, his eyes twinkling mischievously in the moonlight. “You’ve barely said a word since we left the restaurant. I’m not that bad, am I?”

“I’m just cold,” Ruedi muttered unconvincingly. Felix cocked his head to the side inquisitively, raising an eyebrow in disbelief until it was barely visible under his mop of messy, dark hair. Ruedi felt his heart flutter a little as he struggled to keep the corners of his lips from tugging upwards. “Okay, maybe I’m nervous.”

“Why?”

Ruedi stared morosely at Felix, suddenly lacking in words to day. He didn’t do things like this, not since his mother had found out and told him to pack his bags. In some way, he was still trying to live to her standards and keep himself from disappointing her any more than he already had. So, in a way, he thought, it wasn’t really his fault that he was so woefully under-prepared for what he was convinced was about to happen.

Felix’s eyes widened a little as realisation dawned across his face. “Oh. You mean you’ve never kissed a guy?”

Ruedi shrugs nonchalantly in a feeble attempt to not betray the embarrassment now radiating from his every pore. He swears he can already feel his cheeks turning a burnished red. He’s sure Felix can see it too.

“I’ve never even kissed a girl.”

Felix pauses momentarily before smiling widely and threading his own arm around Ruedi’s and steering him gently in the direction of the nearest side-street. Although his overcoat was thinner than Ruedi’s, Felix was warm to the touch and Ruedi unconsciously found himself moving a little closer to his companion.

“We can change that,” Felix whispered as he walked, dropping his grip on Ruedi’s arm. Their fingers brushed together slightly and Ruedi could have sworn it felt like there were tiny electrical charges zipping between them before Felix is very close – almost too close. Ruedi can make out the beginnings of a five-o-clock shadow smattered across Felix’s jawline and as he opens his mouth to speak, Ruedi can feel Felix’s breath on his jaw. “Only if you want, though.”

Ruedi nodded without thinking and before he could think, Felix’s lips were on Ruedi’s and for a second, Ruedi felt as if he might suffocate. There were a million questions flying through his head in the split-second that it had taken Felix to close the gap between them. He didn’t know how – or when – he should breathe, nor where he should place his hands – did he keep them by his sides or should he wrap them around Felix’s neck like people did in those god-awful romantic movies his mother had insisted on him watching? He didn’t know if he was meant to keep his eyes open or if he closed them, or whether he really should be thinking about all of the germs that another person could transfer through one kiss. And then he realised with a jolt that if people saw – if his mother saw – then they would be repulsed. Guilt filled him from head to foot and for a second, he considered pushing Felix away and running as far as he could. According to everything he had learned in his relatively short nineteen years on the planet, everything about this act should feel wrong.

And then Ruedi realises suddenly that it didn’t feel wrong, not at least to him. It felt like years of repression had been lifted from his shoulders and just as suddenly as the realisation hit, he noticed how soft Felix’s lips were against his own, and how warm Felix’s hands wee against his waist. In that second, he realised that it felt far less like drowning and more like a dip in an alpine lake on a warm summer’s day. For the few brief seconds that their bodies were entwined, Felix was the sun and the stars and the moon and when they broke apart, Ruedi even found himself feeling a little disappointed.

“Nervous now?” Felix asked after a few seconds of silence, the barest hint of a smirk playing at the corners of his mouth. Ruedi smiles giddily in return, wrapping his arms around Felix’s neck – it couldn’t just be for show in the movies, right? – and pulled him in until the space between their bodies was once again minimised. It felt like the most natural thing in the world, standing in a badly-lit alleyway with only the half-light of the moon illuminating their faces, his arms wrapped around this friend of a friend’s friend.

“Not anymore,” Ruedi mumbles, before pulling Felix in to take the leap once again.