Animal in Me

So tell me why can't this be love?

My mind blocks out Andy and the rest of Hanoi Rocks talking. I just stare out in front of me. A crap cup of coffee is going cold in my hands and I just feel numb to everything. Not too long after I walk into the hospital waiting room, Andy comes running up to me; tears in his eyes. He could barely get his sentence out. His voice shaking as he tells me the excitable puppy I’ve come to know and love isn’t with us anymore. I just remember breaking down in tears as if this boy was actually my brother and not just someone I met a couple months ago.

I can hear boots come running down the hall and quickly I hear leather skidding across the title before stopping in front of me. I look down and see Nikki’s hazel eyes looking up at me. He places a hand on my cheek and frowns.

“Aria, where’s Vince?” Is the first question he asks. “Please tell me he’s okay.”

“He’s at the police station.” I tell him. “He’s fine. He got lucky. He walked away with a couple scratches, nothing major. If you saw the wreck, you’d be questioning how there weren’t more deaths.”

“And Razzle?” This question causes the tears to well up in my eyes again as the lump in my throat reappears. I can only shake my head as the tears come flowing once more. Nikki pulls me down onto the floor with him and immediately pulls me into a comforting hug. I just bury my face in his neck as he rocks me back in forth. No words leave his lips. He just sits there as I cry in his arms.

**

A groan escapes my lips as the sunshine sneaks behind my curtains and straight into my eyes. I roll over to bury my face in my pillow but instead I’m greeted by a back. I open my eyes more and see Nikki sleeping next to me. Both of us are completely clothed and I have no memories of how we even got here. My memories of last night are fuzzy and blurry. The last clear memories I had was seeing Vince’s Pantera completely destroyed and Andy telling me Razzle had died. Other than that? Complete fog.

I prop myself on my elbows and watch the man next to me sleep. Nikki is one gorgeous man awake. But asleep? He’s breathtaking. He looks so calm, sweet and vulnerable; things he never shows when he’s awake.

Nikki rolls onto his back and opens his eyes a bit. A lazy smile dances on his lips as a hand comes up and caresses my cheek. “Morning, baby. How did you sleep?”

“You’re really asking me that after the night I just had?” I ask him, frowning a bit. “It doesn’t seem real, yet. I don’t think it’ll ever seem real to me.”

He sits up completely, leaning up against the headboard. “You were close with Razzle, I get it. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this.”

“I should have pushed harder when I was begging them not to go.” My voice cracks. “Maybe if I pushed harder, they wouldn’t have gotten in that car. Maybe Razzle would be alive and Vince wouldn’t be on trial for manslaughter. Maybe ...”

“Aria, baby, you have got to stop blaming yourself.” Nikki pulls me closer to him. I just bury my head into his chest. “They are grown men. They make their own decisions. Whether you begged or not, Vince would have gotten in that car and Razzle would have been right there with them. Nothing you could have said would have changed that.”

“But…” Nikki silences me with a searing kiss. He pulls away and rests his forehead on mine.

“Stop blaming yourself.” He repeats himself. “You had no fault in this. Promise me you’ll stop blaming yourself. Razzle wouldn’t want you to do this to yourself. In fact, I’m pretty sure he’s pissed that you keep doing this.”

A small chuckle escapes my lips. “You’re probably right about that.”

“It may be small but that chuckle is music to my ears.” He informs me, a smile on his lips. “After last night, I don’t want to ever see you cry. Seeing you cry is the worst thing I could possibly imagine. It actually breaks my heart.”

“So Nikki Sixx does have a heart, huh?”

“Only for you.” He leans down and kisses me once more. This time it was full of love and nothing else…

“You amazing me, you know that?” I smile up at him. “You’re nothing like how I expected you to be.”

“I only let you see a certain side of me.” He tells me as he pushes a piece of hair out of my face. “You deserve to see the good in me. I don’t trust many people but you? I trust you wholeheartedly.”

“What makes me different than everyone else?”

“You don’t try to bullshit a bullshitter.” He shrugs. “You’ve been real from day one. You don’t let the fact I’m a bass player in a band cloud your judgement of me. There needs to be more real people out there in the world. We don’t need people that sugar coat the bullshit. We need people that can see right through the bullshit.”

“That part of my personality gets me in trouble a lot.” A short chuckle escapes my lips. “And I’m pretty sure you are the first guy that appreciates that in me. Everyone else got sick of it quickly.

“Axl was a fucking idiot to let you go.” Nikki pulls me closer to him and kisses the top of my head. “You deserve the universe, Aria. And honestly, it’s yours for the taking. You just have to find the right guy to give it to you.”

Already found him… I think to myself as I snuggle up against Nikki. My eyes grow heavy as I fall asleep to what has become my favorite lullaby; his heartbeat.
♠ ♠ ♠
chapter title credit: Why Can't This be Love? by Van Halen.

comment&subscribe? Kinda sappy isn't it?