Blue

I never thought I’d be peeing on a stick, but here I am.
I’m squatting over the toilet in the women’s bathroom, becoming claustrophobic by the shiny metal walls on either side of me. I just swallowed the morning after pill as well, with a handful of water from the sink.
I never thought I’d be spending over fifty dollars at a drugstore. I bet the cashier that just rung me out at the CVS downstairs thinks I’m one of those poor straight college girls who got herself into some trouble with the boyfriend.
Well, that’s not true.
I’m not even blaming myself. The only person I’m blaming is my friend Vee, who brought me to the stupid college party in the first place. “Cam,” She said. “Let’s go to a college party.”
“No.” I replied. “No. No, no, no,no.”
First of all, we’re seniors in high school. And gay. Really gay. I mean, I am. I don’t know about Vee because she was all up in some guy’s crotch the night of the party. And that was even before both of us got wasted.
But, I didn’t know I was getting wasted. Someone spiked the punch. Yep, the most cliche thing you can do at a party, somebody did. And I fell victim to it because after a few minutes I was dizzy and couldn’t see straight. I kept drinking more because it tasted so good and I was just so thirsty from the stress of being left alone. I tried to find Vee, but like I said, she was entertaining some guy on the opposite side of the room which seemed like a mile away from me. So instead, I plopped down on the couch and drank more of the punch. People came and went in the spot next to me, and I didn’t talk to any of them; at least I don’t remember if I did.
I don’t know why we were even at the party anyway. I didn’t want to be there, but Vee made me go, made me be her “wing woman.” I didn’t know what that was, but I went along anyway because I thought maybe I could meet some older college girls. And do what? I don’t know, probably just giggle like an idiot and then run out the door, face red with embarrassment. I liked girls. I like them a lot, but I couldn’t talk to them. I could talk to Vee because we’ve been best friends since we were in preschool. But every other girl? Forget it. Most of my friends were guys who liked guys so I wasn’t really surrounded by any other girls. And if I didn’t have to talk to them, then I wouldn’t.
At the party, there were a lot more guys than girls, so when we got there, I was more comfortable than I thought I would be. No one tried to talk to me, but I guess that was probably a point in my favor. Even when I couldn’t think straight, everyone left me alone. Maybe I looked wasted. I did hear a lot of buzzing and humming, and at the time I thought maybe it was the music. But thinking back, it was definitely all in my head. The music was loud, and obnoxious, and I tried to tune it out while I waited for Vee to be done doing whatever she wanted to do there.
The party was at some kid’s house from the local community college in Warwick. He was an art major, and for some reason he was going to a community college. RISD was in the next town over. He was a painter, and his paintings were scattered all over his house. They were big abstract things, on large canvases. They were full of neon colors that hurt my eyes when I looked at them for too long. They almost looked like graffiti, but more artistic, if that makes any sense. Maybe that was why RISD didn’t accept him, because he just made glorified street art. His name was Rave, and he was really stuck up. Vee knew him because her sister, Cali, had gone to the same school and dated him for a few weeks. Rave would come to Vee’s house all the time, and they would always talk. Or well, Rave would always talk about himself, his favorite subject. And now I guess he and Vee were best friends, even with Cali out of the picture. Rave was a drug dealer. If you didn’t already guess that from his name, and from the fact that he’s a painter. He sells LSD very discreetly to the high school kids. As far as I knew, Vee never did any LSD, but after what happened last night, I can’t really believe anything she says anymore.
So, when I woke up this morning and realized that the punch had been spiked, I really wasn’t all that surprised. I was a little bit worried with what the punch had been spiked with.
My thighs were getting sore. The pee wasn’t coming out, and I was getting anxious. I had to pee now. I needed to know if there was something growing inside of me, because if there was I needed to get to a clinic and fast. I guess I should have grabbed a Starbucks on the way here. Or, I could quickly jog up to the third floor to the Dunkin Donuts and suck an ice coffee down. No, no, I couldn’t waste anymore time. I will my bladder to give me some kind of liquid. Enough to soak this little flimsy stick I’m holding.
I haven’t talked to Vee since before the incident occurred last night. The last thing I knew that she was doing was going into the upstairs bedroom with one of Rave’s friends, Jeremy who is a self described Pastel Goth. Meaning he’s Goth, but is allowed to wear bright colors, hence the pastel. Whatever, that’s her taste and her choice, but she told me she was a lesbian, so even in my drunken stupor, a bunch of insults ran through my head that I planned to throw at her, but my mouth wouldn’t move. And so instead, I just watched her walk upstairs with Goth Jeremy, black lipstick marks all over her neck and the front of her chest.
Jeremy looked a little too old for her, maybe in his mid-twenties. We were still only seventeen, seniors in high school, not even halfway through the first semester. Midterms are still a month away, and we’re getting ourselves into trouble. This is not how I want my senior year to go. I planned it all out during the summer; Vee and I would get through the school year together, me trying to work at getting all A’s and applying to a bunch of different colleges for Women’s Studies, and Vee at least trying, and then we would walk during graduation, go to the party the school threw for the seniors every year that lasted from eleven at night to five in the morning, spend the summer together and go off to college. Whether Vee came with me or not, I was going to college and that was that.
And now, my whole future could be screwed up if a smiley face shows up on this pregnancy test that I am squatting above. Even though I’d get an abortion, there would still be the lingering rumor that I was “the lesbian that got pregnant during her senior year of high school”, and it would follow me and haunt me for the rest of my life.
Vee and Jeremy locked themselves in one of the bedrooms and participated in God knows what. It might have been some Pastel Satantic ritual for all I know. Instead of sacrificing animals, they sacrificed colorful unicorns who bled glitter. I don’t intend to know because I intend to never talk to Vee again.
After my one friend left me alone and vulnerable on the couch of some stranger’s house, someone came and sat down next to me, and directed their words towards my face. What they were saying, I don’t know. All it sounded like was “murp murp mee mee meep moop?” And I must have said “murp” back, because the next thing I knew, they grabbed my hand and pulled me off my drunken butt so that I was standing up. I was swaying, and the room was spinning and now their face was right in front of my face. At first, I thought the person was maybe another butch lesbian who wanted to be allies with me. Whatever minimal feelings that were inside me, turned to relief because maybe I would be rescued. So I followed, my hand still entwined with hers. I got a semi-good look at her; she had short brown hair, and some kind of cat tattoo on the nape of her neck. She had on a baggy t-shirt and jeans that were ripped in several places, including on the butt where I saw smiley face boxers peeking out of the hole.
When I realized that I was being taken into a bedroom, my relief turned to fear because I was not being rescued. The door closed behind me, and it was really loud. Louder than any noise I had been hearing all night. I was starting to sober up, but I was still drunk enough to not really be able to move that well or speak any incoherent words.
She opened her mouth and the “meeps” and “murps” turned into actual words. “I saw you down there, all lonely and drunk.” She started, but her voice was deep. Deeper than it should be. I looked down and her chest was pretty flat. Okay, maybe this wasn’t a lesbian at all but an actual guy. And I was in a bedroom, the one place I never wanted to be in with a man. I started to move away, but my legs were jello, so I ended up falling back on the bed. The person, which I was now pretty sure was a guy, leaned forward on top of me, his hands on either side of me. His breath smelled like beer, and he reeked of marijuana. Oh god, he was both drunk and under the influence of drugs. This could not be good. Drinking and smoking pot was never a good combination. Not in books, and not in movies, and especially not with real, actual people who you were having an encounter with.
“I think I can cure your loneliness,” He slurred, his mouth moving closer to mine. Inside, I was gagging. Mentally puking my guts out. Physically, I was not doing anything besides trying to move my head to the side, and even then his lips grazed my cheek.
“Let’s have some fun.” He said, and started to take off my shirt. I squirmed away from him, rolling on my side, my legs becoming a little stronger, but still jello-y enough where I couldn’t lift myself off the bed. “Hm, feisty, I like that.” He laughed. It was a really nasally laugh, higher than his voice, like he just sucked up helium. I continued to mentally puke.
He still had me pinned beneath him. Instead of standing all the way up, he flopped on top of me, his chest against mine. He was wiggling around like a worm, and I realized he was trying to get his pants off. I tried to kick him, aim for his crotch, but it wasn’t working because soon his pants were all the way off, and he was standing there in the smiley face boxers. He seemed really drunk because his movements were all really jerky. Something hard was pressing up against my hips and I tried to get away, I really did. But this guy, whoever he was, was extremely heavy. And it didn’t help that he was trying to suck my face off. His hands were entwined in my hands, and it was a hand hold I couldn’t get myself out of. I flailed and kicked, and tried to scream, but whatever came out of my mouth wasn’t loud because he was laughing and no one was coming to my rescue. I knew Vee probably had to be in the next room, but I didn’t have a way to get to her. My phone was in my back pocket, and I had this unbelievable weight on top of my chest.
My mind was going a mile a minute, but my body wasn’t reacting. I felt like there was a part of me that wanted to give in to this, because I obviously wasn’t getting away. This kid wanted something from me, and maybe, just maybe, I wanted to give it to him. I wasn’t yelling rape, because well, it really wasn’t. We were both drunk, and even though I thought I was extremely gay, maybe I was a little bit straight. Or maybe I would be just to get through this. I mean, I’ve never been with a girl anyway, so why not try with a guy first? Maybe I’d like it enough and I could call myself bisexual. This could be a social experiment. A social experiment that no one else would know about, but an experiment none the less.
“Oh God,” He moaned. He was grinding on top of me, as I awkwardly lay under him, all my clothes still on. It was like he wasn’t even trying. He just needed someone else’s body to get himself off. And I guess I was that body.
The hard thing was rubbing against my thigh, and the faster and faster he did that, his boxers were coming off. Finally, he just pulled them off and I closed my eyes. I wasn’t interested in seeing below his waist, so when I opened them again I concentrated in his face. And well, I guess he wasn’t so bad. He had a clean shaven, soft face, with a narrow jaw and small lips. He had acne peppering his cheeks and forehead, but so did I, so acne wasn’t that big of a deal. His chest was flat, and it was bumping against mine, but he wasn’t taking his shirt off.
Relaxing into this, and moving my own hips, I watched him smile, whisper, “Yeah. Yeah.” I wrapped my legs around his waist and that was it. He took my pants off, removed my own boxers, and I let him go inside me. It happened slowly, and I didn’t realize what was happening until I was laughing. Laughing so hard, like it tickled. I felt like I was being tickled and I couldn’t stop myself from laughing. Laughing so hard that I was ignoring the pain that shot up through me. He slowed down, pulled himself out and just stared at me. “Was I bad?” He asked. “Was I that bad?” He was frowning now, his brow furrowing and his beer breath huffing out of his nose.
“No.” I managed to choke out, calming down. “No, it just...I felt like you were tickling me.” His face was still close to mine, so I wasn’t able to see anything below his chest. And I guess I didn’t want to, seeing as how this felt. I never read about anyone being tickled in any fanfictions.
“Oh.” He said, seeming disappointed, like he was expecting that I would have another reaction. That I would jump into his arms and promise to love him forever. Well, that wasn’t going to happen, even if I was drunk. Of course, my brain was fuzzed, so I wasn’t thinking about whether there was a condom involved or not. I wouldn’t think of that until I woke up this morning with a pounding headache and projectile vomit coming out of my mouth like a fountain. I freaked the hell out, my brain spinning with all the possibilities of what could go wrong with my life.
“Well,” He huffed. “This was disappointing.” He said, pulling up his pants and getting off of me. He adjusted himself in his jeans and opened and shut the bedroom door behind him. I laid there in the bed with my pants and boxers down around my ankles, still laughing, ears ringing and vision blurry. I was bleeding, but I didn’t realize it until I picked my body up and stood unsteadily on the floor. The blood trailed down the inside of my thigh. I stared at it for a second, dripping onto the hardwood floor. Drip, drip, drip. I pulled up my boxers and jeans and figured it would stop eventually. And it did at some point, but I was soaked this morning and had to throw both boxers and jeans away so there wouldn’t be any questions asked. Before my head cleared, I thought my period may have started, but then I remembered that I had sex for the first time the night before.
Now as I squatted over this pregnancy test, I wasn’t bleeding anymore, even though I did put on a maxi pad just in case anything else started to leak during the day. And speaking of leaks, I was starting to pee. Finally. The pressure in my bladder slowly let up, and a warm stream of liquid came out, splashing my hand and the pregnancy test. I read the instructions and they said to wait a minute for either a smiley or frowny face to show up. I hoped to god that a frowny face came up. Two frowny faces for that matter.
After I walked out of the bedroom, I ended up calling a cab to take me home. My head was clearing up more and more as I realized what the hell I just let happen. I didn’t talk to anyone else, didn’t try to get Vee, just walked down the stairs and out the front door, pulling my phone from my back pocket. I had the cab company on speed dial and asked for a cab to pick me up. They told me it would be about a twenty minute wait, so I just sat outside on the steps and waited. I had to lean on the railing because it hurt to sit regularly. I hoped no one came out and tried to talk to me, because I wouldn’t know what to say to them. I hoped he wouldn’t come out and try to talk to me, whoever he was. I hoped I never saw him again. Or Vee. She was the one who left me alone, not even giving me any kind of warning as to what she was going to be doing. I thought we were coming to hang out with Rave, and that was it. I didn’t know she was planning on bedding Goth Jeremy and leaving me alone in the living room where someone could come and take advantage of me. Well. It wasn’t really that. I was drunk and not thinking straight. I had no one to blame but myself. And Vee. She was getting indirectly blamed, but blamed nonetheless.
The cab came, I told them my address and I was brought home. I paid the driver and got out of the cab, and just stood on the curb as the cab drove away. I stared up at my house, my eyes glazed over, and my jaw slack. I was feeling exhausted, and all I wanted was to go to sleep. My parents thought I was sleeping at Vee’s tonight because I had told them--under Vee’s supervision--that we were going to hang out and do homework and watch some movies tonight. They believed me, even when I was so obviously lying through my teeth. Vee didn’t do homework, and they knew that. But maybe they thought she had changed, now that we were in our senior year. Good for them for having wishful thinking.
I turned my key in the lock, slowly and quietly as I could, and walked inside. The living room was dark, the kitchen was dark, and my dad’s study was dark. All the lights out meant my parents were asleep. My room was in the basement, so I didn’t have to worry about waking them up by going upstairs. I went downstairs, not even turning on my light and crashed on my bed. I was feeling crampy and sore, and my head was pounding, and I swore I was hallucinating because I thought I heard Vee yelling my name. But I passed it off as a before-sleep auditory hallucination and fell asleep until eleven this morning. After waking up soaked in sweat and blood, realizing I had sex with a man last night who may or may not have been wearing a condom, I threw on clean clothes, not even bothering to shower, and ran out the door, and started the half-mile walk downtown to the CVS at Providence Place mall. I lived on Federal Hill, so it wasn’t too bad of a walk. But I was still feeling sore and achy, and my head was definitely pounding, but there wasn’t any time for tylenol. I had to get a pregnancy test. All the anxieties I would have felt last night if I was sober were all slamming into my brain at that moment. I started crying, thinking ahead to my future as a pregnant lesbian, raising a child I didn’t even want, suffocating it with a pillow, and then dying in a jail cell somewhere. All these anxieties still floated in the back of my head as I shook the flimsy stick, waiting for an answer.
“Cam?” I heard my name and immediately felt confusion. Who knew I was here? Were the rumors already flying? I shook the stick harder and harder, needing an answer.
“Cam, it’s Vee.”
My heart dropped into to my butt. What the hell was she doing here?
“Cam, I’m so sorry about last night.” And how did she know where I was?
“Vee?” I asked, like I didn’t just hear her say her name.
“Yes! Cam, oh my god, it is you!” Her voice was closer.
“How did you know I was here?”
“I followed you.”
“What?” I exclaimed, sitting straight up now. The squatting position was starting to hurt my back.
“Oh God, Cam, I am so sorry. I know what happened to you last night, and I saw you go home in the cab. I made Jeremy drive me. I was calling your name, but you were already inside. So I spent the night outside your house. Then I heard you leave this morning, and it took me a few minutes to catch up. But I saw you go into CVS and I knew exactly what you were doing.” Vee was out of breath. Yep, she definitely had been following me and couldn’t keep up.
I sighed, shaking my head, not wanting to deal with her shit right now. But when I looked down, I choked on my spit.
“Cam? Cam, are you okay? What stall are you in?”
I coughed and coughed, but managed to raise my arm up and stick it up over the top side of the door so she would see.
She shook the door. “Cam, let me in. Are you okay?”
Coughing, I unlatched the lock, and Vee stood there, her eyes red and her hair a mess.
Once I was able to catch my breath, I followed her eyes down to my hand that was holding the pregnancy test.
She gasped and covered her mouth.
Well, it was better than my reaction. In the little white space where the pregnancy test told you your fate, was a little blue frowny face. It was the happiest picture I had seen in my life.
I felt relieved. I felt free. Released. I wasn’t going to get pregnant, and I wasn’t going to end up in jail from killing a child I didn’t want. I would be able to move on with my life, and hopefully forget this ever happened. Either that or laugh about it in ten years. I also silently vowed to never trust a punch bowl again.
Vee’s shoulders were shaking, and I was afraid she was starting to cry. I mean, I was happy, but I wasn’t crying.
But instead of a sob, a gasp escaped her mouth and she bent over, hands grasping her stomach, and she gave out a big, “HA!”
“Um…” I said, confused as to what was going on. Realizing my pants were still around my ankles, I pulled them up and flushed the toilet. I threw the pregnancy test in the bin with all the used tampons and pads.
“Oh God, Cam, you thought you were going to get pregnant.” She managed to say after laughing for another minute.
“Well, yeah, Vee. I let a dick inside of me.” I wasn’t holding back. “A dick that could have been prevented of going inside of me, if you just stayed downstairs with me and not went upstairs with some Goth kid.” I pushed past her and went to the sinks to wash my hands.
Vee was still laughing, but she was trying to catch her breath now.
“And so now, I feel a little less gay that I did yesterday morning.” I thrust my hands under the blow dryer and watched the water bead off my hands and onto the floor.
“Oh Cam,” She managed. “Oh God, I’m so sorry.”
“You should be.” I said, stepping away from the blow dryer, waiting for it to turn off.
“You know Rave is trans, right?”
I didn’t reply right away, because, um, no, I did not know he was trans.
“And Jeremy is trans.”
Okay. So, there were two trans guys at the party. Great.
“And so is Ash.”
“Who’s Ash?” I asked.
“You didn’t even ask his name?” She crossed her arms, a smile playing on her lips.
I squinted at her. Ash? Who was Ash and why would--Oh.
Oh.
My jaw dropped open and Vee started laughing again.
I had sex with a trans guy last night. Not a cis guy. So, the dick that went inside me...wasn’t a dick at all, but a strap on.
I had nothing to worry about this morning. I was only bleeding because I had never put anything up there, not even my own hand.
I felt like the stupidest person in the world at that moment.
Vee came over and wrapped her arms around me. “I am so sorry, Cam. I should have let you know that most of the guys there were trans. There were a few cis guys, but they were all gay.”
“Wow.” I said. “Wow.”
“I know.” Vee rubbed my back in small circles. “You never had anything to worry about in the first place. And,” She giggled again. “Even if it was a real dick, that still would have showed a frowny face anyway. You’re not supposed to take a pregnancy test until you miss your period.”
“Oh. Well. I also took the morning after pill. So I guess I covered all the bases, huh?”
Vee’s eyes were wide. “You bought the morning after pill? Isn’t that like fifty bucks?”
I nodded.
“Oh God, Cam.” She pulled me into a hug. “I am so, so sorry.” But she was laughing as she hugged me.
I sighed. “Well. This has been quite a day.”
She nodded. “It has. And I am truly sorry, Cam. Please don’t hate me?”
I shook my head. Well, now I couldn’t hate her. So I hugged her back. “No, of course not. Just never take me to a party again. Ever. No matter what. Next time I tell my parents we’re staying at your house to do homework and watch movies, let’s actually do it.”
“Deal.” She let go of me and grabbed my hand and we shook on it.
We walked out the women’s room together and entered the mall. People were milling around us, and even in all the commotion I could hear my stomach growl.
“Do you want Dunks?” She asked, heading to the escalator.
“God yes.” I answered. “After what I just went through I need an extra large iced coffee.”
Vee smiled at me and grabbed my hand, and we ascended the escalator together.