Losing It

When I close my eyes and darkness emerges, there is a light in the distance. As I reach closer to see it and touch it, there stands a silhouette. I watch her slithering like a serpent in the curtains of my mind. When she edges closer, she calls to me and glistens like a siren emerging from the water. Once my eyes open, the image of her fades away through my eyelashes. As she evaporates away, that’s when I remember that I am truly alone in the back of my Monte Carlo.

I hate closing my eyes because I can never forget the image of Bian Pham, a red rose in my meadow of white lilies. She conveyed beauty with each petal, but when I reached for her, her thorns pricked the fingers of my heart. I regret ever letting her hold onto it. All I ever wanted to do was to fall in love. I suppose it was foolish of me to give her the one thing I couldn’t take back.

As I sit in the backseat of my car, the atmosphere intoxicates my mind. A wave of remembrance crashes against my brain like tidal waves. I could never forget that night. My heart was racing, and my mind was screaming, "You've got your whole life to do these things." But I did it anyway because I was a sucker for the way she looked that night. The moonlight through the windows acted as her spotlight. Her eyes were hooded, but I could spot the way her dark eyes looked intoxicated above me. Bian’s makeup was smudged and her usually straight hair was tangled.

I remember my legs were shaking and my hands were searching for her in the backseat of my car. She felt so far away despite our bodies being so close. She felt so far away despite our moans harmonizing in the chorus of lovemaking. But when our hands grasped in the final throws, and she echoed out, “I love you, Kasem,” I felt like I found her. My heart thought that she was the one.

But in the backseat of my car was also the day I could never forget. If only I knew that she wasn’t true. If only I knew that the girl I adored was the girl I loathed. I was absolutely certain that I wanted to spend forever in this love trance until she confessed, “Yeah, I fucked a fuck ton of guys while we’re together and? I like fucking.”

So now I cry because I lost it. I lost my virginity. I lost it to a girl that played me.

I knew I was only sixteen, but I thought I loved her. I thought it would last forever. But I suppose roses wither with time.