All I Have To Give Is Guilt For Dreaming

"It’s not about you."

That's what she said to me. But no matter what she claimed, the paranoid feelings wouldn’t go away. And I couldn’t ask her straightforward the things I wanted to know. If I was wrong, I was afraid she’d think I was self-centred, thinking it was all about me. But all I wanted to make sure was that I wouldn’t lose her. She was the closest friend I’d ever had.

Some might say ‘it’s a god-awful small affair’. But not to me. This was more important than anything. The two people I loved the most; both of them so far away yet so very close, one in ambivalence, one in doubtlessness.

"It’s all about you."

That's what she said to me. And I believed her, throwing any negative thoughts on the fire. Quite a fire. But you almost couldn’t be more straightforward than that. We couldn’t be wrong, but still there was always a small nagging anxiousness, is it too much time, too little? All I wanted was to make sure was that I wouldn’t lose her. She was the love I thought impossible.

Some might say 'out of sight, out of mind'. But not this time. This was more tangible than anything. The two people I loved the most; both of them so far away yet so very close, one in doubtlessness, one in ambivalence.

"I don’t know who it’s about."

She never said it to me. I never asked her about it, not sure if I should. How straightforward could you be? I didn’t know what was wrong or right. All I wanted to make sure was that I wouldn't lose her. She was a question mark, as of yet.

Some might say 'I should be home by now'. But not yet. This was more time-craving than anything. The two people I loved the most; both of them so far away yet so very close, in doubtless ambivalence and ambivalent doubtlessness.

"Who is it about?"

This is what I ask. But no one seems to hear me, because I speak so quietly. I can't be straightforward. I’m afraid of doing something wrong and messing things up. But all I want is to make sure that I won’t lose you. You are amazing, all of you.

Some might say 'can you show me where it hurts?' But I can't. Not alone I can't, for this is more complex than anything. The people I love so much; so far away yet so very close, ambivalent, doubtless, beloved.

Can you show me where it hurts?