Ocean Breathes Salty

“Meadow.”

I looked up from the monitor in front of me. Dennis, my boss was standing in the entrance way of the diner’s kitchen. He wore his everyday getup, white button up and red tie. He had a full head of hair, but it was completely silver with age, matching the scruff on his chin. He motioned for me to follow him into the kitchen.

I groaned and finished entering the order on the touch screen before following him into the kitchen.

“Meadow,” he started, as soon as the double doors shut behind me. “Table 7 just complained about every single order being wrong.”

I rolled my eyes as a busser rushed into the kitchen, cutting between us with a bin full of dirty dishes. “Dennis,” I threw my hands up, “Table 7 changed their order like six times, nobody here would have been able to get that right.”

The kitchen was chaotic compared to out on the floor. Pans were banging and Michael, the cook, was shouting orders out. Dennis ignored the noise and put his hand to his chin, playing with his short beard, a quirk that Hannah and I would always laugh about.

“Meadow,” he said, “This isn’t working.”

I dropped my arms to my side and felt my mouth gape open. “You can’t fire me, Dennis,” I said in disbelief.

“Relax,” he said, putting his hand out to try to calm me. “I’m not letting you go. You’re just on a break.”

“What do you mean?” I crossed my arms.

“Look, you’re a good server, my best,” he said giving me a sympathetic smile, “But you’re a mess. And I mean that in the most sincere way possible. Take a week off,” he said. “You need it.”

I shook my head. I didn’t need a vacation. “I need the money.”

“No,” Dennis said, “You have been working 80 hour weeks for the last month. I sign your checks; I see how much you’re getting in tips. You don’t need the money.” Dennis put his hand on my shoulder, gently leading me out of the kitchen. “You’re off the schedule. Now go home, get some sleep, and don’t even think about picking up anyone else’s shifts.”

“But what about Hannah’s shifts?” I asked. The help was needed around here since Hannah left. With both of us gone this place would crash and burn.

“Don’t worry about it,” he reassured me. “I’ve got it taken care of.”

I sighed and went back over to the monitor to clock out.

“And Meadow,” he said. I turned to him again. “I miss her too. It’s different around here without her.” He gave me an encouraging smile and made his way back into the kitchen.

I grabbed my keys from the hostess stand before walking through the ‘Buddy’s Diner’ doors and to my beat up Volkswagen. I jiggled the key in the door and waited for the click signaling it was unlocked. I untied the apron from around my waist and threw it onto the passenger seat before sliding into the driver’s side.

It was almost 8 o’clock. The sky was almost black and streetlights lit up every block. I started the ignition and drove in silence. I didn’t want to go home. I hadn’t planned on leaving the diner until around 1:00am and now my night was completely open.

I didn’t necessarily want to work all of the time, but it kept me busy. It kept my mind from wandering to thoughts I didn’t want.

I drove past the ASU campus downtown and instantly remembered dropping Hannah off in front of one of the buildings. Working kept my mind off of things like this.

I kept driving. No matter what, the memories of her in this city would torment me forever.

I made the familiar turn onto Hannah’s street. I had driven up and down this road so many times in the last month, hoping to catch her sitting on the porch or running down the sidewalk, waiting for something to prove that this last month wasn’t real.

I slowed to a stop in front of her place. It was an old Victorian house that had been split into four separate apartments. Hers was the apartment on the left of the first floor. A wall divided the house in two, separating the neighbors own living arrangement, but the front porch was shared.

”Isn’t it cute?” I remembered her saying when she first moved in. It was a little over a year ago. “It has that charm I want, you know?” I was disgusted at the time. I told her old houses came with problems and bugs. She didn’t care, and just a few weeks ago she and John resigned the lease for a second year.

Looking at it now, it made sense. She had only lived here for a year but it was like she belonged here. The vintage green siding screamed Hannah, except without her here it seemed dull and vacant.

I shut the car off and stepped out, letting the door slam behind me. I walked up to the front porch steps and paused. What was I doing here? This is what happened when I wasn’t working, when I had nothing to do. I searched for ways to feel close to her and always ended up disappointed.

Still, I listed to the floorboards creak as I stepped up to the door. I held my keys out in my hand and located the bright purple spare key Hannah had given me.

I opened the storm door before unlocking the front door and swinging it open. It was quiet and dark. I shut the door behind me and peered around the eerie apartment. I hadn’t been here since Hannah’s mom asking me to grab a burial outfit. At the time her death seemed so unreal that it didn’t faze me. Now, standing in her home felt bizarre, like I wasn’t welcome anymore.

As I stepped into the living area I noticed the dust that had accumulated over everything. Hannah was the cleanest person I know. Seeing any remnants of dirt on her tables, her TV, it was just weird.

I let the moonlight guide me to her bedroom door. It was shut and I found myself scared to open it, knowing that a burden of memories would drag me somewhere that I both did and did not want to be.

I slowly turned the knob and pushed open the door, revealing a dark figure in front of me. I screamed and fell backwards.

“Jesus, Meadow.” John flipped the switch to the left of him, lighting up the bedroom.

“What the fuck,” I muttered as my eyes adjusted to the light. John stood in front of me with a baseball bat in hand.

“I could have killed you,” he said. He tossed the bat onto the carpeted floor behind him.

I leaned onto my arms and picked myself up off of the floor. “What are you doing here?”

“Uh, I live here,” he looked at me like I was crazy, “What are you doing here?”

I rolled my eyes at him, “No I mean, aren’t you supposed to be on tour?”

He didn’t say anything, he just shrugged.

I sighed, “Okay well, I’m sorry,” I apologized reluctantly. I honestly didn’t mean to barge in on him. I didn’t think he was here. It didn’t even look like anyone was here. “I’ll leave.”

“Wait, Meadow,” he said, stopping me in my tracks. “Can you stay?”

I pursed my lips and took a hard look at him. His hair was stringy from oil, he had a red sauce stain on his white T-shirt. I might have been a mess, but so was he.

I wondered why he asked me to stay, but I knew it was probably because he was lonely. Standing in front of him, in their apartment, it hurt too much. I couldn’t stay here. And he might be lonely, but I just wanted to be alone.

I looked at him once more before leaving. “No.”