Salt

The next morning, I awoke to a text from Ambrose, asking if I wanted to come over for more brainstorming. Unfortunately for him, I left it on read. I didn't think I was ready to face him just yet.

Instead, I pulled my covers closer, as I stared at the ceiling. The uneven swirls of jagged edges of optical patterns teased me, kept my mind spinning, as it betrayed me and made me think about last night again.

For some reason, Ciara's words really got to me. After all, I kissed and held my friends' hands often... so why did I feel so ashamed this time?

I'd told myself that it meant nothing, she was just looking to rattle me, but I couldn't bring myself to believe it. Something was wrong, and I didn't know what it was.

My sister's voice carried throughout the whole house, signalling she was up and ready for school for once. Her jovial tone was a change from the usual. By the sounds of things, she and mom were exchanging jokes. Any other time, I'd claim she was delirious.

However, I confined myself to my bed, watching the walls and ceiling move. Like a psychedelic dream, I was swimming in their dance. If I raised my arm, I could point out all the shapes and the people they were trying to represent, giving themselves life.

Finding my phone under the pillows, I saw the screen display the time. Seven a.m., what was I supposed to do with this? Work wasn't an option today, and I didn't feel like brain-storming either... so what other choice was there?

I scrolled through my contacts, until I found Jesse's name. I admit, I hesitated on pressing that dial.

While things weren't awful between us, we also weren't where I wanted us to be. Things had never been easy for us, and the past eight months were a definite learning curve on where we'd gone wrong, I still wasn't one-hundred percent clued in on why we broke up in the first place.

It had been Jesse's call. I remember sitting on his couch, waiting on him to come home for hours, and when he did, it seemed like he had no idea I was supposed to be there. I thought he was drunk, but he'd never been a big drinker, so I brushed it off. In the end, I left it, wanting to get a head start on dinner but then he'd dropped the ball.

Although I'd been fully convinced we were perfect, apparently he perceived us differently. He exclaimed he couldn't do it anymore, that he was tired of fighting (what, I didn't know), and said he wasn't good enough for me... and that's when my world fell apart.

Because for the fifteen months we'd been a couple, he'd become my entire world. He'd consumed me, made me laugh during times I thought it would be impossible, I refused to see a future without him in it. Every time I pictured it, he was all I could see.

And, as I had previously stated, it took a long time for us to settle and recapture our friendship. I mean, it wasn't without our fair share of speed bumps, ones I'd had no knowledge if we would ever get over.

But now we're here. Where we shared glances, held hands and exchanged forehead kisses, like everything was just dandy between us. As if the past was no more.

And, if Ambrose and Fletcher had been telling the truth about what I said at our annual bonfire... then there was no way Jesse didn't know.

I've always wanted more, he knew that now. But the real question was:

What did he want?

What if he didn't want me?

My chest tightened, crushed under the weight of thinking it. If the man I wanted held no more feelings for me, what was I to do?

Despite my internal protests, my finger pressed down on the dial button. It was too late to back out now.

It rang three times before he picked up.

"Hey! I was just thinking about you," His voice was sugary sweet, so much that I tingled, in places not so foreign to either of us.

"You were?"

"Yeah. It's early though, why are you awake?"

I couldn't say I was thinking about him too, that would seem desperate. And I wasn't. I just wished he could be here, on this bed, snuggled up to me, so I could forget the rest of the world. The noises would all dull, just so I could hear his lovely heart beat.

To inhale his scent, which was understandably a strong musk of paper, to brush my fingers through his straw-like hair, to trace the beard that always used to scratch me – I missed it like nothing else.

Eight months of this. I have no clue how I managed this whole time. He was so intoxicating that I didn't feel the darling poison.

"Just am, I guess." Is what I settled on. Great. What a brilliant excuse, Ash.

He chuckled, and I sighed.

"Alright. Do you want to grab breakfast at Bubba's?"

Giving him a second of deliberation, I agreed and instantly hopped out of bed. The minute I woke up, I'd been sure I would spend the whole of the day in bed, but I couldn't resist hanging out with Jesse.

I raided my closet for something nice to wear, briefly before I came across a certain white button up. I flung it on, complimenting it with a leather waist belt and skinny jeans.

I didn't even shout a goodbye as I left the house.

The sun wasn't long up, casting a golden shine on the houses of my friends and family alike, as I walked. I noticed the glare on windowpanes before they blinded me, keeping me in the dark.

Serene February air floated around me, swerved me as my body intercepted its dance and called on the slightest breeze of wind. My arms erupted in goose pimples, but I didn't bother to hug them out, so I carried on.

The bell to the waffle house rang pleasantly as I entered, seeing a small collection of people already eating and laughing away with friends. The atmosphere in this place couldn't be compared with anywhere else in town.

My eyes scoured the establishment before they rested on a shining blond figure sipping tentatively on a black coffee. He was staring out the window, the hint of a smile on his lips as he faced the door.

If I wasn't sure before, then I certainly was now.

Giving him a quick kiss on the cheek, a chill ran through me when he returned it, just before I retreated and flopped onto the seat opposite.

“Long morning?" I cracked out, gesturing to his steaming mug.

Licking his bottom lip, his attention never once wavered from me. It was no wonder why I was boiling underneath these thin layers of clothes.

“I haven't slept," When he caught onto my expression, he laughed. "My clients keep changing their minds on the design and it's just aggravating."

Jesse's job often had him working in the next town over, since Jasper was too small for any architecture firm to set up. Clients came from all over the world though, sometimes with a request, so my guess was that he was slowly building a pretty name for himself, which was amazing.

He was creating a buzz with a job he loved, why wouldn't I be happy for him?

"How about proposing a deadline? I know you don't like doing so, but you've got to put your foot down at some point." I said, placing my menu flat.

He shook his head.

"It's not as easy as that, Ash. I don't know, I just needed a break."

I agreed, as I gave my order of hot chocolate and strawberry crepes to the waitress. Jesse was dedicated, in all areas of life, I shouldn't have expected any other answer.

Already, having only been in his company for little more than five minutes, I was calm. He'd always done that. No matter how big the situation, or how much I exaggerated, he soothed me like no one else could. It was another point to add to the list of reasons to love him.

My blood boiled, simmered and cooled down, as I met his gaze. If I could melt, I'd be a puddle on this futon, absorbed against my will.

"Is that my shirt?"

I chewed the inside of my cheek. "Um, yeah, I-I didn't think you'd mind. Do you want it back?"

"No, it looks better on you, anyway." A sly grin forming, he tried concealing it behind his mug, as our food was served to us.

We dived in right away, laughing and reminiscing about subjects that weren't my current predicament. Carefree, with a burst of energy I had missed, I was glad to be in this moment, considering we could have left things sour.

I was grateful.

After breakfast, we left Bubba's together, him telling me some more stories about the sketches he was in the middle of making. I listened intently, because to me, the soft sound of his voice was like therapy. Everything made perfect sense when he spoke, and it helped in ways he probably could never imagine.

Instead of pocketing my hands like I usually did, I let them sway by my side.

By this time, there were armies of people on the street, traveling to their jobs or school, or simply just doing the same, but I blocked them out. They meant nothing when I looked up, expecting to drink him in, only to find he was already staring at me too.

The morning was cold, but my body was hot. And that was the best thing to be.

"So, Ambrose tells me you're researching..." He trailed off, scratching his facial hair again.

I sighed. This was not something I wanted to discuss with him.

"The best we can. We, um," I briefly pondered on telling him more, but then swiftly brought myself out of that doubt. "I received new evidence, so we're trying."

His brows furrowed. "What new evidence?"

"Just a letter and a bit of my dress."

Suddenly, we'd stopped walking. He was looking down at me, incredulous, as if truly I'd withheld something important from him. I didn't want to be seen like that, so I pulled him to the side, to the alley between neighboring apartments.

Also, this could potentially save us from eavesdropping ears. I'd no idea who was to blame for my drowning, so it was best to play it safe.

“It was mailed to me. Or dropped off, I'm not sure. Either way, they know where I live. That's something."

"Yeah, something scary, Ash. Why didn't you tell me sooner?"

I opened my mouth to explain, but nothing came out. It's not like I didn't trust Jesse, since he'd never give me reason to doubt him, but I had no excuses for him. I wouldn't lie to him, not after everything we've been through. I couldn't do that, not this time.

So, instead I limped a shrug, fighting back the swell that had begun in my eyes. It wasn't fair to do that, not here, not at this moment in time.

I felt weak. Heavy. Incomplete in my own self. My body was crumbling under the pressure, and my mind wouldn't be too long after it, I know. There's only so much I can carry, before I'm due to fall. And when I fall, I'll go down so hard, so devastatingly, the people in my life will just have to stand by and watch, not contributing.

There, I'd found it. My reason not to tell Jesse before. He didn't deserve to be a part of this. He didn't deserve the hurt it would only inflict.

Slowly, delicately, his dusty hands enveloped mine, cloaking me in a promise of safety, showing me that he loved me unconditionally. The way a girl looked to be loved; the way I did.

He pressed his body against mine, allowing his heartbeat to synchronize with mine, singing together. His kisses were lost in the middle of it all, but each place they touched burned, emblazoned into my skin I could never forget.