Salt

I wasn’t in Jesse’s loft for too long before my fantasies overcame me.

I remembered a time when I was only eighteen, freshly graduated and optimistic about the future I would surely build for myself. The plan was easy. I’d excel in all my classes, make some of my fellow classmates jealous with my quick learning ways, and earn some money on the side bussing tables.

Nobody plans on their workload being too much for them to bear, but it was. After more than a few failed tests, I stopped going altogether, and eventually just dropped out, and ended up back here. While my parents weren’t satisfied, sometimes I think it was the best decision I ever made. I enjoyed school, but now when I look back on it, I’m aware I didn’t have the passion it would certainly command of me.

When I moved back home, my friends were all there for me. Whether it was through a cup of hot chocolate, or stuffed teddy bears with my name stitched on their stomachs, or a pink banner expressing their love. I may have lost my future, but I was still me.

And they all filled me in everything I’d missed out on. Ambrose got his job at the local newsagents, Lu had come out to his parents, my sister was raving about the current romantic movie she was obsessed with, and Fletcher had gotten his first serious girlfriend. Everybody was doing well for themselves, it was the perfect moment.

Then, Lu pointed out that a hottie had recently moved into town from somewhere in Vancouver. Nobody had gathered the courage to talk to him yet, and he hadn’t made a move to get to know anyone either. We figured it was best to leave him alone for now, allow a few weeks to get a bearing of the land.

One night, I was walking home from work, and I stopped on the sidewalk to admire what I thought was snow falling. As I prepared to look up, a larger splash hit my head… until I was completely drenched. Dripping and stinking of something so potent, it could only be one thing.

A man vaulted down the last few stairs of the fire exit, a panic in his eyes I’d never seen replicated to this day. He rushed out a mountain of apologies, explained he accidentally bumped into the bucket and offered me to use his shower. Even in the dark, I saw him. His puppy brown eyes, his crooked smile as he attempted his apology, the manner in which he held himself. I was putty in his hands.

After the much-needed cleanse, I’d planned on clearing out, but I was instantly drawn to the shapes and figures that took up the entirety of his walls. I commented on a few to him and in those few hours, we never once brought up the reason I was in his apartment in the first place. Time passed much faster than either of us planned it to, and soon enough, it was way past midnight.

I’d loved every minute, I wanted him to ask my number, but he didn’t. I left the loft, instantly down from my high, and walked home alone. My only prayer was that next time we see each other, he’d take the plunge.

But, in the next few instances I met him, we were in our group and he fit in effortlessly. Like a chameleon, he adapted to our ways quick and shared his life story where appropriate. We immersed ourselves in his history of living in Vancouver and he asked about all of our lives in turn. He was polite, and sweet, and I was smitten.

He’d been a part of our circle for a good couple of months before he asked me out for a cup of coffee, alone. Laughs were shared, secret glances exchanged, and he didn’t make me feel nervous, which was a first. I was comfortable. I’d never had that before.

How could I stop myself from falling in love?

We settled into the relationship easily. Nothing ever felt forced, there was no doubt in my mind about him – I thought I’d found the one.

And I was right. He was the one, for me.

I just wasn’t it for him.

Curling his bedsheets in my palm, I relaxed into the feel of them. I recalled sweet kisses, chocolate goodbyes, and times I would never trade for anything else in the world. All of my greatest memories lived here, and the one worst.

I traced the shape of the number 6 chip, as a buzzing noise rose from near the door.

Closing in, it crossed my mind that perhaps Jesse knew I was here and had come to rescue me, but that left as soon as I pressed down on the receiver.

“Jess, mate, it’s Kieran. I… need help.”

I didn’t recognize the name, but that wasn’t to mean I couldn’t hear the desperation in his voice. Besides, if he came here for advice, then he made the right call. Jesse was such a genuine and wise soul, I could find no fault in his reasoning.

So, I let him in and opened the door, as his feet touched the stairs. He popped up over the railings, his dark hair long and shaggy and he looked somewhat pale. He barely hit the top step when he stopped to gawk at me.

“Sorry, I thought this was Jesse Irving’s–”

I nodded. “It is, I’m sorry, he’s not in, but if you would like to–”

He shook his head swiftly, eyes darting all over the place. They reflected off the dull light of the landing, and I instantly stepped forward.

“Hey, it’s okay. Come in, I can make you some coffee or tea; whatever you like.”

Connecting with my eyes briefly, he chewed the inners of his cheek before accepting my invitation. Once inside, he took a long hard look at his surroundings, moving closer to an oil painting of an old building Jesse said he used to visit.

“Glad to see he got his mojo back, used to say the juice is what did it for him.” He turned back to me, smile wry.

Juice?

“Yeah, he’s always been pretty talented.” I mumbled, as I switched on the stove. I bit my lip, in a bid to help myself say my next words carefully. “So, how long have you been using?”

His eyes, although unfocused, were hard.

“What? I’m not–”

“An… acquaintance of mine just died because she was on a high. The inability to see straight, muddled thoughts, endless itching, and lost time. I’ve seen this before.” I put the kettle on, sighing. “So, for now, I can make you a hot drink and we can talk about it. Or not, no pressure.”

Even though he was at the other end of the apartment, the emotions that crossed his features were all too easy to pinpoint. The spasm under his muscles craved attention, but I made no comment.

Coming to me quickly, I was glad that there was an island separating us. I didn’t think ill of him at all, but there was such a thing called personal space.

Holding out his steaming mug of mint tea, I sipped on my own.

“Do you think he’d be okay with me… leaving them here? I’ve already dropped half of my rent on it and I didn’t use it, I swear. I’m just… jonesing.” As if on cue, he shivered. He took a single sip of his tea before meeting my eyes again. “If it’s not okay, I totally get that, I wouldn’t want to tempt–”

“Tempt?”

I’d let his words get past me once, but I couldn’t do it again.

He shrugged lazily, gulping down the rest of his tea before reaching into his jacket pocket. With shaky hands, he produced a ziplock bag with a needle and a small black square the size of an eraser. It didn’t seem like much, but it caused me to set my mug down and grab it from him swiftly.

I wasn’t overly familiar with a lot of drugs, despite my sister’s keen interest in them over the past year, but I’d never forget how the “worst of the worst” could look.

“Is this…” I paused, trying my best not to cry. “Black tar heroin?”

He didn’t move, he didn’t have to.

I’d previously made my best effort not to grill him more on everything he’d said before, but I couldn’t let this chance pass by me. I had so many questions and I didn’t have a single real answer for any of them.

“Why would you bring this here?”

He shrugged again, attention wholly focused on the bag in my hands.

“I don’t know. Things haven’t been going great for a long time and I just – well, I broke. I went to my old dealer and he was all happy to see me again, so I didn’t feel guilty about buying again. This was going to be the last time, I promise, but when I got home and it was staring at me, I…” He drifted off, eyes clouding over.

Although I was still angry, I knew I couldn’t lash out on him. He’d been down on his luck, feeling like he would never recover and instead of escaping back into the comforting arms of an old dangerous friend, he’d come to Jesse for help. And while I knew that my ex was an amazing guy, I didn’t know he had people like this drifting in and out of his life. It must be so difficult to live like this man.

Some people believe they’ve been dealt a difficult hand, but until somebody appears in your life who is riddled with temptation and paranoia, it’s easy to forget how beautiful your time on this earth has been.

While I didn’t understand it, and likely never would, the best I could do was not be judgmental.

So, as I calmed down, I thanked him for coming here and being vulnerable to me. He took it in stride and, just as he left for the door, turned around to face me.

“I’m sorry, but I never got your name. I’d like to thank Jesse and his wonderful girlfriend, if she’ll let me.” His smile was toothy, but sweet.

I tried to return it, but even he noticed I wasn’t into it.

“Ashley and not his girlfriend.”

He stood there at the doorway, inert. Eyes wider than I’d seen them previously, chest rising and falling at a minuscule state, he resembled a deer in headlights. Time was frozen for him, for better or good.

And, if it was possible, the air surrounding us got colder, reminding me it was February.

“Ashley, as in the love-of-his-life-Ashley?”

I brightened. “Well, I would say–”

“I have to go.”

Not giving me the chance to either finish my sentence or say my goodbyes, he bolted down the landing stairs and was gone before he finished the word ‘go’.

Leaning against the door once it was closed, I tried to rack my brain for a reason why he reacted like that. It was an instant flip, it couldn’t mean anything pretty.

It continued to jeopardize my thoughts as I went to finish my tea, finding the chip sitting next to my mug, the bag with the drugs on the other side.

Rolling the plastic coin over my fingers, suddenly the meaning all came crashing into me. All at once, no pause and no hesitation. The answers I’d been waiting on were fulfilled, but immediately, I knew I didn’t like them.

Suddenly, things were no longer the same.

We’d never be the same again.