Salt

A couple of hours later, Zoey was discharged and given the all-go from the hospital. My mum and dad wheeled her into the car, where I knew they wanted to ask me to come, but with a hard look, they backed off.

Watching them as they whisked off, the puff of smoke that expelled from the exhausted didn’t choke me. No, it cleared the way instead.

Following my feet as they pulled me in the right direction, I watched the world. Parents shouting at their curious children, canines that eagerly wished to flee from the screaming felines, the small group of friends that shared a spliff and spluttered out their laughter at a viral video. They all belonged to themselves. Nothing could penetrate their bubble and they stayed outside of mine.

They didn’t have a place in my world, just as much as I had no right to theirs, like twilight skies and sunshine eyes.

The nip of the February air hit my hands, reminding them that they’d never feel true warmth again. The blood that flowed through my veins was as cold as the water splashing your face in the morning. It was still a shock when it definitely shouldn’t have been.

That surge electrocuted me, hotwired the nerves in my brain and got me thinking once again.

Everything Zoey said to me in the ward, while she was in recovery, I simply took it at face value. I steadily allowed it to poison the stream, where I’d eventually drink and offer out a glass or two. She could lie to me all she wanted, for the rest of her days, but that kind of vulnerability I hadn’t witnessed on her for years.
I’d be a fool not to grab it.

With shaking hands, I found Jesse’s number and called it. It rang only twice before he picked up.

“Hey,” I breathed deeply. I didn’t want to do this. “I guess we should talk.”

There was a moments silence before he agreed. Without any other hope to hold onto, he hung up first.

I was used to darkness. It had shrouded me, enveloped me and nurtured me bitterly from the minute I woke up in the lake. Would it be a surprise to anyone if I needed to see it, to fight it and demand justice?

And who better to pick a fight with than the boy who broke my heart?

Too soon, I was by Jesse’s loft, canary yellow window begging me to climb inside. The small flakes of rust from the ladder dissolved under my touch, like the leftovers of us. Was it a sign or was I just looking for a reason to doubt myself?

Counting backwards from ten, I clutched onto those rails and lifted up, until my sight focused on the blond figure sitting hunched over a charcoal layout.

I tapped lightly on the window, entering as we locked on each other. At first, there were no words, I couldn’t find them in myself. I could’ve snatched them out of thin air, if they even existed.

But the problem was: we knew there was one.

Abandoning his work, he shut the window after me. I took a quick sneak peek at his portrait. Not a structure, but instead a human shape. Sitting cross-legged with her chin resting on the flat of her palm, only the eyes had been completely shaded in. Dark.

Swallowing, I turned, prepared to mark him with every insulting name under the morning sun, but I also found out that while my mouth was prepared to do so… I definitely wasn’t.

I mean, this was Jesse. Jesse. What if this whole thing was just a misunderstanding?

In this moment, it was all I wanted.

“So… I think,” I wrung my hands, pacing back and forth, as I avoided facing him for too long. It would only cripple me. “I think we should talk.”

He inhaled sharply, perching softly on his desk chair once again. He ran his hand through the loose wavy tendrils that had eluded the elastic of his band.

He didn’t have to say anything, I was talking enough for the both of us.

“In the hospital, you all acted like fiends, in a time that was supposed to be about my sister. You literally waltzed in there and you created this massive fuck-storm. I don’t understand what was said, and I frankly don’t care that much for what they said about you, but you mentioned something that stuck.” I bit my lip, fighting with myself for a few dumbstruck moments to look at him again. When I did, I swear my world turned inside out, lonely and chaotic. “What are you living with? What did you do to make them hate you like this?”

The air was still and tasted like salt when it hit the back of my throat, I could choke on it.

But I refused to.

He shook his head.

“I don’t think now is the best time to get into that–”

“Oh, it’s the perfect time. Jesse, please, I need this.” I was aware my voice had rose a pitch, and I stopped moving, instead choosing to fold my arms.

Watching him as he fought with himself, he scratched his ear and his face before he settled on me once again.

I wasn’t an expert in body language, or even people in general, but I had spent more than fifteen months in a loving and respectful relationship with this man, I knew when he was hiding something he thought would hurt me.

Little did he know, refusing to let me in when I’d made him my world hurt just as much.

I kneeled down in front of him, grabbing his large hands, as I forced him to see only me.

“I need this, we need this. It’s okay, whatever you tell me, we’ll be fine. But how am I supposed to know what to do when you won’t tell me anything? I’m not the enemy, I’m always here.”

I thought maybe I’d broken down those defences, when he suddenly pushed back on his chair and dropped my hands. They were left dangling just like my faith, all he now had to do was hand me a noose.

"Ashley, leave.”

I couldn’t prevent my jaw from falling.

“I’m not–”

“I’m not asking. I can’t… I can’t do this. Not with you, not like this.” Eyes misty, he sprang up and turned his back, leaning against the desk. I could see his muscles tensing as he pressed further into it.

I slowly got up, attention never wavering from his shape. He exhaled rapidly, but still deeply. I didn’t want to cause him any harm, he must know that, yet I was still leaving no wiser than I was before I arrived.

The hardest part of leaving was making it look easy. At, least, that’s what I heard, I’d never done it before.

And this was exactly that.

With my heart in my throat and lack of future in his hands, I dug around my jacket pocket and produced the colorful coin. The stars were misplaced, the brightness an omen.

"I don’t want to fight, I just want to make sure you’re all right. Ever since I met you, you’ve become the most important person in my life and no matter what you tell me, it will always be that way. And I’m always going to love you.”

Blinking back the stinging tears, I let it simmer for a quiet moment before I placed the chip on the desk next to his fist and didn’t wait to gauge his reaction before I did as he asked.

Cloudy grey skies hung over me as I emerged back into the outside. I was here, and he was there, and neither of us were the better for it.

The only good thing that came out of that conversation?

Finally, I was able to lay it all for him, I didn’t see how it could possibly get any worse after this. I’d literally came face to face with the elephant in the room, but now it was a matter of whether not it would stomp down and snuff me out.