I Was Counting on Forever

She couldn’t believe that three hours had already passed by the time she getting back into her car and pulling out of the cemetery. She had a good talk today she thought to herself as she made the twenty minute drive back to her apartment. How different her life had become, before Paul’s death she had only been inside a cemetery twice, now she feels as if its her second home, there’s almost no place she would rather be. Not with Paul there.
As soon as she opened the front door she was greeted by the two year old chocolate lab. Johanna had bought Ben as a Christmas gift the year before last. “Hey Benny Boy, Wanna go to the park?” She asked the massive dog as she walked into her laundry room to grab the dog’s leash from the hook where it stayed when it wasn’t in use. Not long into her walk her phone began to ring, it was Jack, she was expecting his call to figure out tonight’s dinner plans.
“Hey Jack.” She answered the phone to greet him.
“Hey, so what do you feel like having tonight? My treat, we’ll go anywhere you want to go.” He told her, trying his best to lift her spirits.
“I was thinking we could pick something up and bring it home. I don’t feel much like being out in public just yet. Is that okay?”
“Sure, that sounds great. I’ll bring over a Redbox.”
“Sounds perfect, I’ll see you in about an hour?”
“Ok, Bye Jo.”
When the call had ended Johanna found herself in front of her destination, a drug store. While she had no want to face life alone, life was gonna go on with or without Paul, and she needed to know. She wondered inside and found the family planning isle, and quickly found what she had come for, a pregnancy test. While the thought was terrifying she was almost soothed at the possibility of having a piece of Paul still here. Maybe that piece could make her feel like life was still worth living, not for herself but for Paul.

She made her way home and arrived just in time to meet Jack at the door. He had her favorite take out and a handful of movies. She was lucky to have him. He was the next best thing to Paul and she was dreading the day he has to leave to head back out on the road.

“How was you walk?” He asked as he watched come up the walkway to her front door.

“Relaxing.” She replied. “It was nice to get some fresh air. And Ben loves to get out every once and a while.” She gave Ben a pat on his head as he stood beside her waiting for her to open the door, if curse he always had to push his way through to claim his spot on the loveseat in the living room. He was a spoiled dog, but Johanna didn’t mind.

“What’s in the bag?” He inquired as curiosity got the best of him. “You sick?”

“Not exactly. Lets go in and eat, I’m starving. I haven’t eaten all day.” Which was her new normal. She almost never took time to sit and eat unless someone was making her. Maybe that’s why Jack always seems to bring food when he comes over.

Not too long after they were both sitting on the couch starting their first movie while they chowed down on dinner. Johanna though couldn’t get her current situation off of her mind. “Can we pause the movie please?”

“Yeah sure, do you need something.” He asked.

“I think I’m pregnant.” She couldn’t help but to blurt it out like word vomit. It was now of never and she had to get it of her chest. It felt so good to have the weight lifted once she had said it. At least someone knew, and it was someone she could trust not to tell another soul.
“Ok, lets go get a test.” He replied trying to sound calm, the last thing he wanted to do was upset her, with everything that has happened he was unsure of how to read the situation. He had no idea what was going through her head when it came to this. Would she be happy, angry, sad? So many emotions could be happening, and he in no way wanted to sway her feelings. He wanted to take her lead, if she was happy, so was he. He wanted what she wanted. Whatever would help her heal and not hinder her progress.

“I have one, I just need to work up the courage to take it.” She told him.

“Whenever you’re ready, I’m here for you Jo.” She sat contemplating for another five minutes before lifting herself up off the couch and heading into the kitchen where she left her shopping bag from before. She pulled the test out, scanned the instructions and headed to the bathroom. She emerged from the bathroom a few short minutes later test in hand. “So what does it say?”

“I’m too afraid to look, will you?” She asked as she held out the test to him. He took it in his hand and read off the results.

“It says your pregnant.” He told her, unsure of what her reaction would be.

“Really?” She asked in disbelief. A million emotions were flowing through her. Heartbreak for the fact Paul isn’t here to share this with her, excitement for the new life to come, hopeful that this little baby will look just like his or her father. Oh how she wished they would be the spitting image of their father. A smile came across her face at the thought of a little boy running around looking just like Paul.

“So this is a good thing right?” Jack finally asked breaking the silence, he was going out on a limb judging by her facial expressions.

“Yes, its what we always wanted, a family. I just wish Paul was here to experience it all with me.” For the first time in weeks Johanna felt hopeful for the future. Excited about what lies ahead. A reason to continue living even without Paul by her side.