Tragedy's Path

I let my body relax in the hot water while I take a sip of my favorite wine. I close my eyes and allow myself to think about what the future holds for me now. I had so many questions that I wanted to ask God, but it wasn't his fault. I was just looking for someone to blame. I try to tell myself that shit happens. Life isn't fair and I knew I wasn't an exception. I was nobody special. I just needed to accept what was. Would I live long enough to beat cancers ass? Will I ever be able to have any children with my Husband? I had so many questions. I felt bad for not telling anyone sooner, but I begged Matt that this was what I wanted.

It had been a week since I found out and nobody knew that I had stage 3 breast cancer; not even my best friend. I knew I needed to tell her before we told anyone else. She was always there for me and I for her. She was struggling with so much herself. My best friend was ready to be a mother, but life was making that extremely impossible for her.

I let the tears roll down my face as I finished the glass of wine. I was about to get out when I saw Matt come in with bags of what looked like food and a bouqet of a dozen red roses. He was oblivious to my tears as he sat the bags down on the counter and then began taking out the containers of food. I grabbed a towel and wiped the tears away before wrapping it around my body. I was so happy to have a man like him in my life and here he was trying to prove his love for me. He wanted me to know that even though this cancer is trying to destroy me and everything I love, he was not going anywhere. He would always love me no matter what. That this was just a bump in the road for us and we would get through it.

I wrapped my arms gently around him and buried my face in his old Guns N' Roses t-shirt. I wanted to remember the way he smelled.

"I know what you're doing!" he said, turning around so I was now against his chest. He laid his chin on my head and I could hear him sigh. It made me smile. I enjoyed being wrapped in his embrace. It was home. I didn't want to be anywhere else but home.

"You're not going anywhere. Do you hear me?"

I looked up and was met with his hazel orbs. I could see the sadness in them and I instantly felt bad for ruining the moment.

"We're going to eat this delicious food that you love so much and watch movies. And then we are going to discuss how many babies we are going to have while practicing."

"That sounds good to me."



I was extremely sore the next morning. Matt showed me just how much he truly did love me all night. It was one of the best nights we've ever had together. He had already left to go to the studio with the guys so I was home alone trying to figure out what to do. I didn't want to spend all day sulking in the house again and there was something that I knew that needed be done.

I took a sip of my orange juice and picked out an outfit to wear for the day. I was planning on telling my best friend about the breast cancer and to say I was nervous about it was an understatement. She was already dealing with enough shit already. I didn't want to intrude her with my problems as well. I always told her everything, but everything wasn't as near serious as this was.

I decided on a plain white tank top and my favorite pair of blue jean shorts. I wanted to see if she would meet me at the beach. It was our go to spot when everything went to shit in our lives. It was the perfect place to tell her. I also wanted to do a little bit of shopping before Matt came home. I needed some new lingerie and I wanted to cook Matt something special. I wanted to do something nice for him since he's been going out of his way to make sure I stayed happy even though that was the hardest thing to do dealing with my current situation.

I grabbed my phone off the charger and dialed Charla's number.

"Hey, bitch! What's up?"

"I need to get out of this house. Do you feel like going to the beach?"

"Uh, duh. You and me both. Brian has been driving me crazy and this house stinks of sex."

"That's nasty. It's a good thing I'm not coming over there then."

"Shut up, hoe. When do you wanna go to the beach?"

"I'm ready now."

"Okay. Give me twenty minutes."

"You and I both know it won't take that long."

"Yeah, but I gotta wash something."



I had to pick the hottest day to come to the beach. I mentally cursed myself as I walked over to Charla who was getting out of her car. I could feel the sweat start dripping from my forehead already. I grabbed my sunglasses from my purse and put them over my eyes. I watched as other people made their way to the water. It was a beautiful day and at that moment I was grateful to have a best friend that I could share so many good memories with.

We made our way near our favorite spot and laid our towels down so we wouldn't have to sit on the sand. I took two water bottles out and gave one to Charla. I quickly got myself comfortable and enjoyed the few moments of silence. I could feel my heart pounding in my chest. I wasn't sure why I was so nervous to tell her. It wasn't like I planned on having cancer. I didn't ask for it. I guess I just didn't want people to act differently around me. I didn't want anyone's pity. It is what it is and all I could do was take it day by day. I had to enjoy life more. I wasn't sure how much time I had left on this earth, but I wanted to enjoy spending every moment with the people that I love.

"What's bothering you?" she asked, finally breaking the silence.

"What makes you think something is bothering me?" I asked. I could feel her eyes burning holes in me.

"You're normally all cheerful and chatty when you're around me. And I'm your best friend, so I can sense these kind of things."

She was right. I wasn't being my normal self. I didn't want to start our conversation off by talking about the cancer, but she knew something was wrong.

"I went in last week for a mammogram and they found cancer."

Silence filled the air for what seemed like a life time. I knew she was shocked and didn't know what to say. Before I could look up to see her reaction, I felt her arms wrap around me and tears hitting my skin. I cried with her. We sat like that for what seemed like a good ten minutes.

"Are you okay?" I ask, wiping the tears off my face. I heard her scoff.

"My best friend just told me she has breast cancer and she's asking me if I'm okay. Are you okay?"

I nodded and gave her a reassuring smile. We talked about how Matt was taking it and about how the doctor was wanting to do a biopsy to make sure it hadn't spread anywhere and to see what kind of cancer it is. It felt good to be able to get everything off my chest. I was just grateful that she didn't see me any differently.

"You're going to beat this shit. You're going to have babies of your own and watch your God babies grow up. Do you hear me?"

All I could do was smile and nod. My thoughts suddenly filled of doubts of my future. What exactly did life have planned for me?