Burn Us Down

40: I Want There To Be


Olivia, who’d been staring down at her stomach as she smoothed her shirt over it, startled slightly before she picked her head up, smiling gently up at Gerard who stood over her, a mug extended out towards her. They had been together for a while. After Olivia had shown him the scan photo, the two of them had spent a while basking in the news that they were expecting, but with Gerard due to head back towards the airport, Olivia knew that the mood was changing. They had kept things light. The news that they were expecting two babies was big enough that it had, momentarily, dwarfed everything else that hung over their heads, but Olivia could see that Gerard’s mind was drifting towards the elephant in the room, even if he hadn’t said anything. The smile on his face, whilst still bright and wide, had dimmed ever so slightly, something that someone who didn’t quite know him like Olivia did would have almost certainly missed.

Reaching her hands up, she plucked the cup out of his hand. “Is it…?”

“Thea approved” Gerard interjected as he sat down next to her, his own mug in his hands “I made sure to ask what was best” he added.

Olivia couldn’t stop herself from smiling into her drink as she sipped at it, something which caused Gerard to tilt his head, a curious smile of his own on his lips. “What?” he prodded.

Olivia shook her head. “Nothing” she mused “I just…I think you’ve just given me a little glimpse of what the next few months are going to be like. You’re definitely going to be a fusser, aren’t you?” she asked, her voice light and teasing.

Gerard offered her a noncommittal shrug, a slightly impish grin tugging the corner of his mouth upwards.

Olivia laughed, but quickly the sound faded, allowing an uncomfortable silence to creep in and hang around them.

Gerard watched Olivia as she sipped on her drink, trying to come up with the right way to start their next conversation, but Olivia beat him to the punch, shaking her head as she gently set her mug down on the deck between the two of them. “Why would you rather have destroyed everything we had than just talk to me?” she asked quietly, her eyes hesitantly glancing up at him.

Gerard flinched at her question, his eyes guiltily settling on the mug he cradled in his hands. “You make it sound so calculated” he murmured.

“You had doubts” Olivia pointed out, trying to keep her voice as even and as calm as she could “You chose not to talk to me about them. You chose to go out. You chose to say what you did to Lana. You chose to not tell me the whole truth, even when you got caught out. It was calculated, Gerard, maybe not consciously, but you must have known what the cumulative effect of all of those decisions would be. You had the chance to be honest with me, you had a load of chances to be honest and you just…you weren’t” she added.

She didn’t believe that he would have hurt her deliberately. She knew Gerard, and she knew that he wouldn’t go out of his way to hurt someone he professed to love, but she needed him to understand the damage that he had done. It was more than the kiss now, even if that did still hurt her. It was that he had had his doubts about them and had chosen not talk to her. That he had risked their relationship by kissing Lana rather than have a slightly awkward conversation with her, and she needed him to see that. She needed him to see that his lack of trust in her and her reaction to his doubts was what had done the damage, damage she didn’t know if they could make up.

“I know I wasn’t” Gerard replied “But…”

“Why not?” Olivia pressed, cutting him off “Why didn’t you just tell me, Gerard? Am I really that unapproachable that you felt like you couldn’t talk to me about the fact that you had doubts about us?” she added.

Gerard shook his head vehemently. “You’re not unapproachable” he insisted “And there’s no denying that I should have talked to you, but you’re not the reason I didn’t. I…I can’t explain it. I was…we were…things between us weren’t so straight forwards. The timing of my proposal was off, and you didn’t even take a breath before you launched into planning, and that’s not me blaming you, because I am not, I just…I got lost in everything for a moment. You’d always been my future. Since we met, it just…it seemed right, but the engagement, the wedding plans, it was concrete and real and I just got overwhelmed. I should have said something, and I absolutely shouldn’t have done what I did with Lana, but it was just a moment and it was a moment of my making, not yours. I’ve made so many mistakes, Livy, but they’re my mistakes and they’re not caused by you. Please, don’t blame yourself” he added, turning to grip Olivia’s hand tightly in his own.

Olivia stared at their hands for a long moment before she turned to look at his face. “What am I supposed to do now, Gerard?” she asked softly.

“Come back to Barcelona” Gerard replied.

Olivia shook her head. “Gerard…”

“Not home” Gerard clarified, cutting off what he was sure would be her insisting that she wasn’t anywhere near ready to return to their shared home “Just the city. It’s your home, and with the…” he trailed off, gesturing towards her stomach. He couldn’t quite get the word ‘babies’ out of his mouth. He could barely get it through his head.

Olivia smiled despite herself. “The babies” she mused.

Gerard’s smile was small as he nodded. “You should be home” he said “With your papa, and your sister, and all of your friends. I will give you whatever you need to be comfortable. You can have the house, I can go somewhere else. I can get you an apartment or something if you’d prefer. I just want you to be home and comfortable and the rest of it…us…”

“Is there an ‘us’ now?” Olivia asked, her eyes meeting his.

Gerard’s breathing stuttered, his stare dropped back towards his lap. “I want there to be” he said carefully “But I know that I have no right to push you. Those…those babies are mine, and I will be the best freaking papa for them, I promise you that now, but I know that I have no right to expect to be anything more to you, Livy. If you want us to just raise these kids without being together then I will be…well, I won’t be OK with it, but I will learn to deal with it. I’d do anything for the three of you, Livy, you just say the word” he added, his head lifting so that she could study his eyes.

Part of Olivia wanted to throw her arms around his neck and not let go. The combination of his words, her early pregnancy hormones, and not having seen him face to face for over a week was proving to be a powerful motivator to just cling to him, but she kept herself in place. She didn’t want to give him the wrong idea, or worse, any kind of false hope that there was a reconciliation around the corner. She didn’t know what was going to happen aside from the fact that in a matter of months, there was going to be two little babies that were going to need both her and Gerard in their lives.

Gerard smiled at her sadly before he looked away, staring at the cup he still held in his hands. “I’m sorry this is such a mess” he said gently.

Olivia nodded her head gently, staring out into the distance as another silence settled between the two of them.

Gerard glanced down at his watch, letting out a soft sigh, something which made Olivia look back at him, a little smile on her face. “You have to go?” she asked.

Gerard nodded. “My flight back is tonight” he said “I expected this trip to end a lot differently, so I didn’t really want to hang around” he added.

“You thought I’d ask you to fly to Alicante just to break up with you?” Olivia asked.

Gerard shrugged half-heartedly as he moved to stand up.

Olivia shook her head, mimicking in climbing back to her feet. “I’m staying until the end of the week” she said “My flight back is booked for Saturday morning” she added.

“I’ll pick you up” Gerard “If that’s OK. I mean, if you’d rather your papa or Melissa…”

“It’s OK” Olivia interjected with a little smile.

Gerard smiled at her sheepishly, the tops of his cheeks pink.

“I guess I will see you on Saturday, then” Olivia mused.

Gerard nodded, stuffing his hands in his pockets to prevent him from reaching out and drawing her into a hug.

Olivia noticed, feeling the urge to keep herself back too, but she gave in, gently wrapping her arms around his waist. “It was good to see you, Gerard” she whispered into his chest.

Gerard didn’t say anything. He just kissed the crown of her head and held her close, not sure how many more times she would allow him to get that close.
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Thanks to Jayme112234 for the comment :)