Burn Us Down

“Gerard?” Olivia called as she heard the front door close, her eyes drifting towards the doorway which led into the living room. She had been expecting him for a while. Barcelona’s match had finished a while previous and he’d promised, when he’d left them earlier in the day, that he’d not be too late home, and she was a little surprised that he was late. He’d promised to be back in time to help put the twins to bed and she was a little surprised that he’d missed it. He loved it. Since the twins had arrived, he’d grown to love helping settle them down for the night, and Olivia was surprised that he’d not even texted to let her know that he was going to miss it.

Closing the book that she’d been reading, she watched the doorway for a few moments, expecting his figure to fill it, but when it didn’t, she climbed to her feet. Shuffling forwards, she stopped in the doorway before she leant over, tapping his shoulder gently.

Gerard, who’d been shrugging his jacket off of his shoulders, jumped a little at the touch before he reached up, pulling the set of headphones away from his ears. “Livy” he breathed “I thought you’d probably be upstairs” he added.

Olivia lifted a shoulder in a small shrug. “I thought I’d wait up for you” she mused “I thought you’d be back sooner” she added.

“I would have been” Gerard replied, leaning over to untie the laces of his shoes “I just had a couple of things I needed to take care of on the way home. Didn’t I text?” he prodded without looking up at her.

“You didn’t” Olivia replied “And I was kind of surprised. You said you’d be back in time for bedtime” she added, gently folding her arms across her chest.

Gerard kept his eyes averted for a moment longer before he stood up, letting out a gentle sigh. “I’m sorry” he noted “I should have texted” he added.

“I don’t mind that you didn’t” Olivia replied with a soft smile “I was just kind of looking forwards to seeing you for a little while before I needed to get some sleep. I feel like we keep missing each other lately” she added.

It was subtle. The fissure of distance that’d grown between the two of them since they’d last talked about their relationship, but Olivia had noticed it. Gerard was quieter, he seemed to be more introspective than before, and whilst Olivia knew that she needed to prod him on it, she hadn’t quite found the nerve to. She knew that there was something bothering him. He’d not said anything, but she was well enough versed in his mannerisms to notice when he was off, and whilst she wanted to encourage the openness that he’d encouraged in her, she didn’t want to rock the boat. They were Ok, even if they weren’t what they’d been before, and she would have taken Ok every time if the alternative was broken up.

Gerard’s eyes scanned her face for a long moment before he lowered his head, letting another sigh fall out of his mouth. “Can we go and sit down?” he asked gently.

Olivia lifted an eyebrow, but didn’t question him. Instead, she nodded and stepped back into the living room. Stepping across the room, she plopped down onto the couch and looked back up at Gerard, watching as he sat down a little away from her. Staying quiet, she watched him mess with the strap of his watch, a nervous tick of his, before he turned to look at her. “I made this hard” he announced quietly “When I…when I went out and did what I did with Lana, I made this…this wonderful thing so much harder than it should have ever been and I can’t undo that. We’re never going to be what we were before, and knowing that me and my actions are the reason why…that’s really hard” he explained quietly.

Olivia stared at him quietly, her hand gently squeezing his to encourage him to keep going.

Gerard’s eyes drifted to their hands before he squeezed back softly. “I love you” he murmured “And I…I know that you love me too, or at least, I hope you do, but that doesn’t stop my mind from sometimes thinking that this could so easily go wrong again and the last thing in the world I want is for you to end up hating me. I sometimes think that…that maybe just quitting whilst we’re ahead is the best idea” he added.

“What?” Olivia squeaked.

Gerard closed his eyes at the tone of her voice. He’d been expecting it, the shock, the hurt, but it hadn’t left him any more prepared to hear it. Taking a moment, he allowed the word to hang in the air between them before he picked his head up, looking at her again. “Olivia…”

“How could you just want to quit?” Olivia cut in softly.

“I don’t want to” Gerard insisted “God, Livy, it’s the last thing I want to do, but I just…sometimes I worry that it’s never going to get close to where it was and you’re going to wake up one day and wonder what on earth you’re still doing with me. I don’t want to quit, but if we were going to, I’d want to do it soon, whilst things are still OK. I don’t think I could cope if you hated me” he added.

Olivia blinked up at him, her eyes wide and a little tearful, before she shook her head. “I can’t believe you’d even say that” she spluttered.

“Olivia…”

“I don’t care that it isn’t perfect” Olivia interrupted him again, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand “We’ve clearly both got things that we’ve still got to work through, and that was always going to be the case after what happened, but do you really think there’s going to come a morning when I am just going to wake up and stop being in love with you?” she pressed.

Gerard opened and closed his mouth a couple of times, not quite sure what to say to her.

Olivia sniffled as she shook her head. “I know we’ve got our problems still” she said “And I know that you’re impatient to have them fixed because you’re impatient about everything, but just because it isn’t what it was, doesn’t mean I am any less happy that you’re the one here with me. Despite everything, you’re the person I love most and that’s not something that’s just going to disappear one morning out of the blue. It hasn’t done yet and the last year has been the hardest one we’ve gone through. You made a mistake, I’ve forgiven you for it, and…”

“You’ve forgiven me for it?” Gerard interrupted.

Olivia blinked a couple of times, running the words through her head, before she wiped her eyes again, offering him a small nod. “You hurt me” she replied “And it’s taken some time to try and get past that, but I think I am there. We both made mistakes before, Gerard, some were worse than others, but we’re here now and that’s more important to me. You’re still the guy I love, you’re my babies’ papa, and I’d quite like it if you stuck around. Will you?” she prodded with a shaky smile.

Gerard swallowed thickly before he nodded his head, his eyes shining with tears. “If that’s what you want” he spluttered out with a nervous laugh.

Olivia’s thumb gently brushed beneath his eye, the pad capturing a few of his tears before she kissed his cheek softly. “I love you, cariño” she whispered against his skin.

Gerard squeezed his eyes closed as another laugh fell out of his mouth. “You’ve not called me that in forever” he whispered.

“I’ll call you whatever you want me to, just as long as you stay” Olivia replied as she leant up, kissing his temple gently.

Gerard stayed still, letting her press gentle, reassuring kisses to his head and face, before he turned to look up at her. “All I want is what is best for you, nena” he said gently “I want you to be happy” he added.

Olivia’s lips touched his forehead. “I am happy” she whispered “Maybe things aren’t as easy as before, but I am still happy. You, Aria and Rosalie, you guys make me happier than I thought I could be” she added.